What were your most difficult adjustments?

[bobb]

What were the most difficult one or two adjustments you struggled with, or are still struggling with in leaving your country to marry a foreigner?

I ask because in 21 days I will be returning with L from Russia.  I think it might be helpful for me to have a pool of experience I can use to help L and me with her transition. 

I have read many posts in many different threads, but nothing all in one topic.  It would probably be helpful for many.

Thanks

[Bitter-Sweet]

I'm not married yet and the longest time i spent in the US was 4 months but...

As for me the hardest thing is to get used to the fact that your parents and friends are so far away. And another thing I had issue with was food, cause it seems that everything, including fruit and vegetables and tea etc. tastes a lot different. that's why when i came to the States first time last year, i was eating very little food.
Another thing is that public transport is not developed, that's why you either have to get your driver's license, or become trapped at home, or you just have to walk a lot

[Lily]

I went to USA to study, not to marry. I think the most difficult thing for me, after the first things like finding rent after arrival were resolved, was my accented English. Here in Moscow I have heard from Americans that my accent is rather slight, but apparently in Chicago it sounded like thunder My Chicagoan classmates told me that if not my accent, I would be well marketable in the States.

[GalinaF]

Hi Bobb, please, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve got an impression that your fiancée is not a young girl. If she is a mature woman who has been responsible for many things for her whole life, her biggest adjustment would be overcoming that terrible state of dependency when she has to explain to you her slightest need and ask you to take her to a doctor or a grocery story or a bank or a hairdresser or … you name it… I still remember how I overreacted when my husband just uttered a very polite question asking why we should go shopping to a WalMart again as we had been there the day before. It seemed to me very humiliating to explain to him what I had forgotten to buy there that I urgently needed…

Also, I have a feeling that you mentioned somewhere that your fiancee wouldn’t be able to learn how to drive because of her age. I think it’s a BS. Everybody can learn how to drive. We have a mute boy who lives close by who is mentally impaired. He drives a truck. He was my greatest incentive while I was learning how to drive at the age of 43. Now, I have to commute 50 miles to get to work.

The sooner your fiancée gets her driver’s license, the better. And she will be really grateful, if you encourage her and support her in that endeavor.

[Blues Fairy]

No major adjustments issues here.   I've always loved walking and enjoyed my pre-driving few months very much; got my drivers license and car rather quickly and now enjoy driving here much more than in Moscow; got a job rather quickly and rather enjoyed its relaxed atmosphere after my stressful Moscow job; got pregnant and was fired immediately, to finally enjoy NOT working after having worked practically non-stop since the age of 17; had my baby and now enjoy being a stay-at-home Mom... in short, life is full of pleasures and it's easy to adjust to good things. 

Two big things that are missing are my dear friends, and my Russian-speaking audience.  Well, Skype is a great tool for keeping in touch and new local friends are being made, albeit slowly; as for the audience, well, I guess I'll have to start writing in English at some point. 

[bobb]

Hi Bobb, please, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve got an impression that your fiancée is not a young girl. If she is a mature woman who has been responsible for many things for her whole life, her biggest adjustment would be overcoming that terrible state of dependency when she has to explain to you her slightest need and ask you to take her to a doctor or a grocery story or a bank or a hairdresser or … you name it… I still remember how I overreacted when my husband just uttered a very polite question asking why we should go shopping to a WalMart again as we had been there the day before. It seemed to me very humiliating to explain to him what I had forgotten to buy there that I urgently needed…

Also, I have a feeling that you mentioned somewhere that your fiancee wouldn’t be able to learn how to drive because of her age. I think it’s a BS. Everybody can learn how to drive. We have a mute boy who lives close by who is mentally impaired. He drives a truck. He was my greatest incentive while I was learning how to drive at the age of 43. Now, I have to commute 50 miles to get to work.

The sooner your fiancée gets her driver’s license, the better. And she will be really grateful, if you encourage her and support her in that endeavor.

Yes, you are right she is not a young girl - she will be 58 on the 15th.  Her English skills have been increasing tremendously.  Every day when we talk on Skype she talks in English 90% of the time now.  Every day she uses more words.  She still has much to learn, but she has learned an incredible amount so far.  

I don't know if you've seen my post in a different topic that I have met many of the local RW in my area.  Shortly after L arrives there will be a gathering to welcome her here.  Several have indicated to me their desire to help her learn where things are in town, etc.    

When I was in Izhevsk in January I suggested to L she should take some driving lessons.  At that time she told me she would never want to drive.  Well, I took that comment with a grain of salt.  I will of course encourage her to learn to drive.  I met a UW about 9 days ago.  She has lived her for 4 years and still doesn't have her license and does not have a desire to drive yet.  

Although my town has only 100,000 the bus stop is 5 minutes from my house and it is 15 minutes to downtown.  My town is very bicycle friendly.  She will never be trapped in the house.  I come home for lunch every day as it is only 3 miles away.

I will always support her in any thing she wishes to do or learn to do.

[Ooooops]

Absence of pickled herring (селедка)   

[Aloe]

i hate that everyone speaks some language i dont understand! Thats probably gonna be her main problem if her english isnt so good. My husband made me do all the things by myself to get me a little adjusted, he sent me to grocery store by myself, sent me to brussels when i needed to go to russian embassy all by myself (had to take 3 buses, a train and a tram in brussels, i was scared *snip*less and mad at him for making me do it, but after i did it i felt SO MUCH better, kinda empowered!) now im not scared to go anywhere, call somewhere myself, if i need to make a call, and stuff like that,  it can be a pain in the ass that he makes me do stuff like that, kind of "drop in the deep end and see if it swims" approach, but in the end i guess its the quickiest way to get adjusted.

[Doll]

At 58 the biggest things will be English, driving and job.

[GalinaF]

It’s great that there is some kind of public transit in your city. I only use metro when I come to NYC, so I can’t comment on how it is possible to live in the USA relying on the public transportation. I have to say that I’ve been spoiled, and I can’t imagine now how I would do family grocery shopping by bus. I don’t want to haul all these bags myself!

I second Aloe’s advice that to speed up your fiancee’s adjustment you’ll have to make her do as many things on her own as possible (e.g., ordering her meal at a restaurant.) Even if it may be difficult for her to talk to a waiter (= a stranger), in a long run, it’ll be very beneficial and help her overcome shyness. As Lily mentioned, there are many places in the USA where the locals are not used to other people’s accents. I’ve experienced many times a sudden change in the facial expression of a person in a store, pharmacy, etc. when I start talking. Nobody says a word, but you can see an obvious reaction, and it’s not a pleasant feeling… On a positive side, it seems that people who know me well don’t notice any accent at all – it’s a part of my personality. 

[mies]

Take her to public places at least once a week.
give her card with money (or cash), show her malls with sales, and let her shop. Adjustment will come much faster. Bring her to the mall at weekends so that she will be around people, will be making small talks with sales assistants. Finding good deals and acquiring things will make her feel more comfortable in the new country, and seeing local people around will make her used to hear English. As long as she will realize that she can find anything, even russian-style herring in USA - she will stop feeling nostalgic about home, and will start enjoying the comfort of American life.
In USA it's very easy to be a good shopper - to find good quality things cheap. Feeling confident about being a good shopper is a good start about feeling confident about other things - English and so on.
Zoos, museums and public parks are also good.  
Aloe's advice is really good.

[Stix]

So ladies, I know some of the guys and at least one woman posting here would say to find an FSU woman that already knows English. Communication is very important in a relationship, so I can understand that point; but with that approach, you obviously leave out a lot of otherwise very desirable women. Given that you know how challenging the transition can be, would you discourage your girlfriends in the FSU who do not speak English from marrying a foreigner? Also if any of you used an interpreter, when did you stop?

Thanks,

Stix

[Doll]

I would not but yet language is the basis of everything. They need to learn it.
Though I personally know many RW here who spoke a little. But than they really learned

[Sculpto]

Absence of pickled herring (селедка)   

No Jewish Deli where you live?  I grew up on pickled herring...

[Doll]

As for me personally ( I did speak English and drive) the adjustments were missing my family (one of my sons is overseas) and job.
So far I am fine with these two but what is left- can't make friends with AW. I tried many times but gave up by now- can't  stand many things in them. Don't take wrong- I do like AW but not for friendship. Something doesn't click, I think it is because they are not sincere (for me)
So - friends.
I did mention my husband as an adjustment but it goes without saying. Marriage is a hard work.

[bobb]

Given that you know how challenging the transition can be, would you discourage your girlfriends in the FSU who do not speak English from marrying a foreigner? Also if any of you used an interpreter, when did you stop?
Thanks,

Please start your own topic and don't hijack this one.  There have been many numerous good posts and your post is rude with no bearing on the topic, in my opinion.  

There is nothing wrong with men posting in this topic, but please keep your comments or questions on topic.

[boaterguy]

I asked my wife and this was her response"

1st Food....so many foods here are so fattening(she did balloon up for awhile)
2nd...getting around...no Public transportation.sidewalks,etc.
3rd...missing her family and friends
4th...difficult making friends here...still hasn't met an honest to goodness FSU friend...everyone she meets falls into the category crabs in a bucket...they are all more interested in proving they are higher up on the social status chain to everyone else! A good example is a lady that is married to a lawyer and lives in an upscale neighborhood with about 1/10th of an acre of land...upscale everything. We have land and a cedar beam house on a river. Our property is probably easily worth double what theirs is...according to her we live in a barn!

[Blues Fairy]

Please start your own topic and don't hijack this one.  There have been many numerous good posts and your post is rude with no bearing on the topic, in my opinion.  
There is nothing wrong with men posting in this topic, but please keep your comments or questions on topic.

One of the hardest things to adjust to is an irritable man who easily takes offense.
I hope your future wife has a lot of patience and wisdom.

[Stix]

One of the hardest things to adjust to is an irritable man who easily takes offense.
I hope your future wife has a lot of patience and wisdom.

Exactly, BluesFairy. A man can drive away the sweetest, most loyal woman in the world if he can't keep his cool. 

[bobb]

One of the hardest things to adjust to is an irritable man who easily takes offense.
I hope your future wife has a lot of patience and wisdom.

Ah BF... Should I quietly let another person change the scope of this topic without expressing my displeasure?  Should I be meek and not express my viewpoint?  I feel this topic is a good one.  There is nothing wrong with his question.  I just don't feel it belongs in this topic.  You may feel otherwise.  

[HiTech]

Absence of pickled herring (селедка)   

Strange my wife likes our better. And you should be able to find it in almost all larger stores.

HiTech

[bobb]

It’s great that there is some kind of public transit in your city. I only use metro when I come to NYC, so I can’t comment on how it is possible to live in the USA relying on the public transportation. I have to say that I’ve been spoiled, and I can’t imagine now how I would do family grocery shopping by bus. I don’t want to haul all these bags myself!

I second Aloe’s advice that to speed up your fiancee’s adjustment you’ll have to make her do as many things on her own as possible (e.g., ordering her meal at a restaurant.) Even if it may be difficult for her to talk to a waiter (= a stranger), in a long run, it’ll be very beneficial and help her overcome shyness. As Lily mentioned, there are many places in the USA where the locals are not used to other people’s accents. I’ve experienced many times a sudden change in the facial expression of a person in a store, pharmacy, etc. when I start talking. Nobody says a word, but you can see an obvious reaction, and it’s not a pleasant feeling… On a positive side, it seems that people who know me well don’t notice any accent at all – it’s a part of my personality. 

I don't remember reading anywhere and I hadn't thought about Aloe's advice.  I don't think I would do the sink or swim technique though.  I would discuss with Luba the good reasons for sending her, on her own, to the Farmer's Market on a Thursday evening or Saturday morning for a few items.  I like the idea about ordering a meal at a restaurant.  So very practical and easily overlooked in all the other things to do to help her adjust. 

Thanks   

[Ooooops]

Strange my wife likes our better. And you should be able to find it in almost all larger stores.

HiTech

Which one is "yours"?        If you are talking about all those Swedish pickled herrings then they ain't even close to seledka by taste.   Not bad, but not the same...   

[GalinaF]

I would discuss with Luba the good reasons for sending her, on her own, to the Farmer's Market on a Thursday evening or Saturday morning for a few items.  

I don't think that there should be any specific “good reasons” for an adult person to run some errands. Don't overcomplicate it.  An adult person should be able to take care of himself or herself. Luba is not a child and she will have to learn how to take care of herself in her new life. I'm a teacher, and I know too well that children don't want to learn new things very often because it requires a lot of work. I know that it's a bad analogy, but hopefully, you'll get my point. Will it be easy for your fiancée to learn how to solve all little problems she'll face? Probably not. Will she be always willing to do everything on her own knowing that she has you as her “crunch”? Of course, it will be much easier to rely on you in every situation. Will it help her in the long run? It's obvious that parents should help their children with their homework, but not do it for them. Otherwise, there will be a bad grade on the next test because the children haven't learned the material. Real life's tests can be far more serious…

[AnastassiaAsh]

For me the best approach is this - show me couple of times how things should be done and I am good to go on my own. Don't go shopping, filling a gas tank, doing laundry and other routine things like that with her for so long that she will be just helpless at the end and won't learn anything. Show her and then ask her to try to do it herself. There are women who would like to do everything on their own as soon as possible and there are women who would want to be relaxed in this sense all the time and would like this 'dependency'.... Sink or swim is not the way.