Is my Russian wife cheating on me or am I overreacting?

[GQBlues]

Actually You dont understand what it means. I will explain the term.

I used command not demand.

Demanding is controlling. Commanding is conducting yourself in a way where you recieve respect back without asking.

Anything else you want me to explain

So you issue commands to your wife. OK. What else do you do?

[Misha]

So long as she remains subservient.

No, its called having shared expectations. I don't go out all night drinking with single women, she does not go out all night drinking with single men. It is called mutual respect and respecting the sacred vows that we took when we were married.

[Ade]

No, its called having shared expectations. I don't go out all night drinking with single women, she does not go out all night drinking with single men. It is called mutual respect and respecting the sacred vows that we took when we were married.

I thought it was because you were afraid of being tempted into cheating?  :evil:

[Misha]

I thought it was because you were afraid of being tempted into cheating?  :evil:

No, but it is also best to avoid temptation and the appearance of impropriety. Then again, neither my wife or I have to seek "refuge."  :evil:

[GQBlues]

No, its called having shared expectations.

LOL.

You expect her to be subservient, and she needs to expect that you will expect her to be subservient.

Gotcha!

[Faux Pas]

Translation: Control freak and abusers.

There Faux Pas, is a great example of what I was talking about when I spoke of the types of men who look for wives in FSU.

Point taken. But for me GQ, a break for my wife might be some shopping or an evening out with friends (of which I would certainly hope I would be one) unless it was an all girl evening in which I would certainly pass. It could include a getaway weekend to a resort and the spa treatment to which I could attend or not. I'm not demanding or controlling I am very trusting but, I certainly wouldn't marry a woman who was not my very best friend or I was not hers. Apparently this isn't the case of the OP but it doesn't excuse her behavior IMO

A getaway would not include a drunken weekend with the boys for the wife or with the girls for the husband. I see you being flippant on an extreme as if it is nothing to a marriage when in fact, it is very important to a marriage that neither man nor woman behave in this manner. You have been taking a dump on Misha's points that are very valid to prove your point (which is also valid). Thus, my post on overreacting.

[Jooky]

Where is all this information coming from?

The original poster didn't say anything to suggest that his wife sits at home alone taking care of the baby. On the contrary, he stated that he spends 24/7 with his wife, stated that he put in a lot of effort assimilating his wife to an American lifestlye and mentioned that his wife was looking over his shoulder while he was home all day. From his posts he goes into work in the evening and goes on business trips on weekends.

Frankly, his work situation isn't clear and we don't know:

Who spends more time taking care of the baby.
If the wife can drive.
If the wife has a car or not.
If the wife has a job. (From the chat log it seems that she does).

I can understand assumptions based on the chat log and what the original poster had to say, but so many of these assumptions are just coming out of thin air.

Mies, just like nobody here knows how much, how often and with whom this woman drinks, we don't know if this woman has been alcohol-free for the past 2 years. We do know that she didn't go out for a beer. She came home still drunk at 10AM in the morning. We also know that this woman used to drink all the time back home in Ukraine.

So sorry, talking about a woman having a beer after 2 years without drinking doesn't relate to what was posted here.

[Misha]

You expect her to be subservient, and she needs to expect that you will expect her to be subservient.

No, it's called expecting her to act as a married woman as I act as a married man. Marriage should be more than two people acting as if they are still single living under the same roof 

[GQBlues]

Point taken. But for me GQ, a break for my wife might be some shopping or an evening out with friends (of which I would certainly hope I would be one) unless it was an all girl evening in which I would certainly pass. It could include a getaway weekend to a resort and the spa treatment to which I could attend or not. I'm not demanding or controlling I am very trusting but, I certainly wouldn't marry a woman who was not my very best friend or I was not hers. Apparently this isn't the case of the OP but it doesn't excuse her behavior IMO

A getaway would not include a drunken weekend with the boys for the wife or with the girls for the husband. I see you being flippant on an extreme as if it is nothing to a marriage when in fact, it is very important to a marriage that neither man nor woman behave in this manner. You have been taking a dump on Misha's points that are very valid to prove your point (which is also valid). Thus, my post on overreacting.

Every couple do have their own creed and limitations they follow and adhere to. The premise I'm in is the fact there's an obvious lack of a complete story in this saga. That's not being flippant.

I had said before in this thread that if the drinking is habitual for this woman, regardless whether she's doing it with men, women, or their neighbor's dog; I won't tolerate it either. Being I do not know, and neither do you, what's the rush to judgment?

Could be that this particular couple were simply a little more tolerating in theirs but is now giving the OP second thoughts - I don't know. Discuss the relationship and the dynamics both can agree on. Understand one another better.

What I find unpallatable in this thread is the prevailing need to rush to judgment based solely on pure speculatory baselines. I stated an opinion based on these reactions.

[mies]

Being drunk 24/7 does not sound real. I don't believe OP in this regard.

me neither. It looks more like the OP is irritated by her being "irresponsible" and having careless life (yeah, taking care of the house, a child, and not being able to drive a car in USA) while he is working so hard and having all the responsibility.

[Jooky]

Mies, how do you know this woman is not able to drive a car in the USA? How do you know that the woman takes care of the house or even the child? Where was any of this posted?

[BC]

what if going out is her way of dealing with pregnancy-related depression? would it be better if she was mentally rotting at home among bottles with formula and Pampers' packs?

I agree with you and with the idea that break is needed

Ahh... finally something with possible substance so I'll free my thoughts again.

Speaking from experience, pregnancy especially early on can be quite rough.

11 months after touching down in this country our child was born.  During that period my wife went to RU for 2.5 months, MIL came here for 3 months just before birth, I was always at home anyway except for short business travel absences but basically gave up a good bit of work (and income) to spend time with family.  Talking a huge investment in time folks but it still did not negate bouts of post partum depression from time to time, and for a good period afterward.  Birth is just the beginning.

May sound like overkill, but just think about it.. just landed in country, pregnant, foreign doctor and health care system, language, transport dependent, etc etc.. they sum up quickly.

I cannot imagine how we would have survived without the support structure we had available and with me often 'on the road' for business..

In any case I believe the couple at this time in their lives, have, and will continue to face a huge amount of relationship stressors.

OTOH I also did not know anything at all about RW being 'traditional' when we met and married, thus had no expectations at all in that area.  I think today this alone is still of great advantage.  That word is vastly overrated, buyer beware, dig your own hole kinda thing.

[mies]

Mies, how do you know this woman is not able to drive a car in the USA? How do you know that the woman takes care of the house or even the child? Where was any of this posted?

it said so earlier on this thread. She cannot drive (this information appear in the thread but not in current version of OPs posts), and for some reason she cannot lawfully travel by planes (this is what OP says in his posts). She can only use buses or get rides.

Her husband does not spend much time with her nor with the baby. He is traveling a lot (he says it in his posts).
Since he is traveling a lot - I don't see who else except his wife can take care of the baby and children - i am still trying to finish the thread to see if the OP explains anywhere how many of these children they have, whose children they are, and where do they live.

If the wife has a car or not - I am not completely positive, but i think it also was said earlier that she doesn't have a car. Maybe I am totally wrong and she does have a car and is driving. If she does have a car and is driving - why does she need to take a bus while traveling somewhere? wouldn't it be easier just to drive?
the posts of OP gave me impression that wife stays at home.

It was posted approximately on pages 7-15 of this thread.

I am not convinced where the fuss about "partying with dudes" has come from. In the IM chat there both males and females mentioned. The male with whom she is talking is in love with another woman and just was dumped by this another woman. He is going out with some second woman named Olga. The OP's wife tells the guy to forget his ex-gf and take photos with Olga. In my impression - it looks like a chat with a male friend who has girlfriend(s) and the OP's wife was not partying with dudes - she was partying with both males and females.

the OP was happy to "send her out" for weekend to get rest from his wife. Now he is pissed. Why? Mood swing? Changed his mind? Got tired taking care of kids at home while wife was partying and ended up not having a relaxing weekend for himself while she did?

I wonder what OP means by "bad track record 3 years ago"...

[GoodOlBoy]

What I find unpallatable in this thread is the prevailing need to rush to judgment based solely on pure speculatory baselines.

RUSH TO JUDGEMENT.....hmmm where from California have I heard that phrase before...

Oh yeah.....NOW I remember.

Do you also believe that OJ is innocent and some "mean" drug dealer hacked up his wife and Ron Goldman with a knife that terrible night? 

OR.....Maybe it was that "racist" cop...Mark Furman!!  :evil:

Thank G*d I don't have jury duty on the West Coast.


GOB

[Jooky]

Ok, I'm getting confused here and wondering if I've been spending too much time at the computer this week.

Here are ALL of the original posters words, aside from the chat log he posted.

Your Question
is my russian wife cheating on me?
Lately i've had a odd feeling my russian wife is cheating on me or at least hiding something from me. I dont speak russian and she just left for the weekend to visit her russian guy friends. I found this message on my computer from her to them. Long story short i want to be able to trust her and I hope someone can translate this letter and let me know what she is saying and if i'm overreacting.

i should also add that i've tried all the online russian to english translators and they dont work.  I assume because the text is written which english characters rather than russian letters.

I'm curious what the summary of the conversation holds not a word by word translation

we've been married for a year now and have a 1 year old son.  Lately i just feel like something has changed in her... I really hope i'm wrong and overreacting.

yeah i had to stay home with our child all weekend while she spent the night partying with her "guy friends"...  till 10am then came home sunday night drunk after being dropped off from chicago to wisconsin by the same men who so kindly (hmm) drove her up here after she missed the last bus back home..

Just my alarms are going off and I dont want to be played for a fool.

I'm not the jealous type anymore, i just have a million opportunites in my own personal life to be with other people but i've been 100% faithful to her (i used to have a bad track record BEFORE i met her, 3 years ago).

I think your definatly onto something there.  Maybe i'm misinterpreting her reverting back to her true ukrainian identity as somehow cheating on me.  Myabe i'm a controlling jerk because how i feel is that i've worked so hard to assimiliate her into American culture and she finally is adapted extremely well i feel like she took a major step backwards.  Its NOT that i have a problem with the culture itself is that life has been extrmely hard for her here,  due to her nieveness of american ways and laws.  I felt like i was back in Ukraine with her being drunk 24/7 and my life here in america is full of responsability with children and work and life in ukraine was filled with good friends and non stop parties...and what seemed like no responsabilities,  just like she had done ALL weekeend.  

i will try to read all of the replies to evening, i'm at work now and i didnt want to read this while at the house, as she was looking over my shoulder all day.

I was ok with her leaving  over the weekend because i take alot of trips aroudnd the country  for business and since she cannot legally travel on a airplane yet i felt bad for her being home  and wanted her to have fun.  Plus honestly its overbearing sometimes being around her 24/7 and was looking for some down time myself.

So... I don't see anywhere in this where:

- she can't drive
- she doesn't have a car
- she can only use buses
- she phoned her husband saying telling him that she'd be late
- her husband doesn't spend much time with her or the baby

Can you point these things out to me in the text above? Am I not seeing something?

He says directly "honestly its overbearing sometimes being around her 24/7" and "I didnt want to read this while at the house, as she was looking over my shoulder all day." Both imply that he spends a lot of time with her and the baby at home, just not when he's out of town on business.

It's also implied in the chat log that she has a job. Right?

[mies]

Here is my translation of what she said:

19:19:04 bla bla bla
19:19:23 remember -on every occasion i'm blaming you/make you appear the guilty one
19:19:55 gde seychas? - where are you now?
19:19:58 doma? - at home?
19:20:01 spish? - sleeping?
19:21:13 zasnul vchera v mashine, ne razbudit, ne poproshalis Smiley - he fell asleep in the car yesterday, (we) didn't say goodbuy to each other
19:21:25 ona shyfruetsya - she is being descrete
19:21:26 est - yes/i do/i have (for example "i have some time")
19:21:32 u mneya - i have (it)
19:21:36 menya
19:22:08 pokinula, tebya tankom ne razbudish, zasnul, raskinulsya vo ves rost - yes, i abandoned you - you fell asleep, nothing can wake you up
19:22:39 pyan' - drunk
19:23:27 kakih vpechatleniy? - what kind of impressions do you mean?
19:24:23 s toboy razgovarivat - vse ravno, chto golovoy ob stenku bitsya- odin effect - to talk to you is like hammer once's head to the wall - same effect.
19:24:50 nikogda pryamo ne otvechaesh - impossible to get a clear/direct response from you
19:24:58 vsegda razmyto kak-to - always vague/blurred (talk/replies)
19:25:25 pravilno, von pohodite s oley v klub pofotkaysya - that's a good idea, come over with Olya (woman) to club to make photos
19:25:31 vystav fotki - post/upload photos
19:26:12 dazhe esli ona zahochet vernutsya, vse ravno rano ili pozdno tebya opyat brosit - even if she'll want to come back - she will anyway sooner or later will dump you again
19:26:28 tak chto dumay golovoy - so think for yourself/think with your brain
19:27:01 hochetsya verit, chto est chem - i'd like to believe that you have a brain
19:27:03
19:27:34 o, dim, platye moe ostavila u martynova doma - Dima, by the way, i left my dress at Martynow's home
19:27:49 tolko kupila v Akire vchera Smiley - the one i just got in Akira yesterday
19:28:50 priezzhayte, muzh uedet skoro v utu, tak chto budu odna Smiley - (you all) come over, husband is going soon to Utah, i'll be alone
19:29:34 chto o
19:30:06 hot tub(e) - what about hottub?
19:30:10 umnik, hahah - smartass LOL
19:30:42 a tebe lizhby buhat - the only thing you think of is drinking (the tone here is disapproving)
19:30:48 zavyazyvay - cut it (the drinking)
19:32:00 ya v dells hochu, v waterpark - i want to go to dells, to waterpark
19:33:00 hochu v waterpark - i want to waterpark
19:33:38 shut up
19:34:18 eto ty mne? - did you tell this to me?
19:34:23 sam biatch - you are bi*ch yourself
19:35:35 podseli k sebe roommate, devushku kakuyu-nit - get a roommate for yourself, some girl
19:36:37 von marinka ishet zhilye opyat - my (acquaintance) Marina looks for housing
19:36:54 marinka zahochet - Marinka will want (to be your roommate)
19:37:17 a pochemu normalnaya ne zahochet? 1 bedroom? ty na divane budesh Smiley
- why do you think normal girl would not want to? in 1 bedroom? (not too bad) you'll sleep at the couch

19:38:00 ya tebe tut miss wisconsin nashla, ona zahochet Smiley - i just found for you Miss Wisconsin - she'll be eager
19:40:22 nu togda ishi sam krasivuy - then look for beautiful (girl) yourself (i stop helping you)
19:42:05 chto eto znachit? ya tebe nayti dolzhna? chtoby esli chto, ya vinovata ostalas - what do you mean? that I ought to find (a girl) for you? that if something (goes wrong) i'd be the guilty/accused one?
19:42:17 net, spasibo Smiley - no, thank you (i won't do it)
19:42:28 ty luchshe ishi, a ya otsenivat budu - it would be better if you look (for girls) and i will be evaluating/screening them
19:43:17 pochemu? - why?
19:43:38 kstati, fotki ty eshe ne udalil, ya ih mogu videt - by the way - you have not yet deleted photos, and i can (still) see them
19:43:47 tyazhelo, dimochka, da? - hard, isn't it Dimochka?
19:43:49 =)
19:44:58 Smiley
19:45:50 "Zabey na chest, dengi vazhnee" - kruto - "good" moto "forget the honor, money is more important" (most likely she is disapprovingly commenting on someone else's expression)
19:46:04 osobenno fotk - especially the photo
19:46:09 8A
19:46:58 LADNO, POBEZHALA POKURU POKA CUSTOMERS NET - ok - i'll go smoke while there are no customers
20:38:20 slushayu poshla ty na.... - you know what - just fu-k yourself (talking to a femlae, most likely to her mom)
20:38:50 mama pozvonila nervy mne poportila (( - (talking to another person) mom just called me and got on my nerves/spoiled my mood
20:41:22 chto ne izmenilos? - what didn't change? (possibly meaning that her mom was known for this attitude to daughter before)
20:41:44 ya ne dumayu, chto ona ochen odobryaet moy brak - I do not think that she approves my marriage
20:42:57 govorit kultury raznye - she says that cultures are different
20:43:20 koroche, ne ey sudit - in short - it's none of her business
20:44:37 ladno, ty budesh v skype pozzhe? - ok - are you going to be in skype later?
20:45:03 ok, ttyl, u mneya seychas nastroeniya net  - ok, ttyl, i am not in the mood (for talking) right now



----
1) you are right Jooky, hot tub appears in this monologue. But it is not offered by the OP's wife. It looks more like the other person in the chat casually mentioned the hottub in the unknown context, most likely jokingly. About humorous context of the hot-tub question from Dima we can assume by the OP's wife responding to him "smartass". It could be a question of a kind "ok, you want us to visit - we'll come to visit if you have a hottub".
Even though - this last word could have been used in reference to some other question or remark from Dima, which isn't known to us since the OP only quotes his wife.

2) about the car and driving - as i said - does not appear in the comments of OP. It appeared in someone else's post. I did not know from where this information come from. What i see in this situation - the OP's wife prefers to use the bus (she was late at bus) or friend's car, instead of driving own car. The possibilities why she didn't drive her own car:
- didn't want to (possible)
- does not have own car (possible)
- does not have valid driver's license (combined with the info that she cannot lawfully travel by plane in USA - most likely it's related to her immigration status, and it is possible that she does not have valid driver's license).

3) i finally noticed in her monologue that she is in fact working - she is mentioning some customers. who are not there at the moment so she has time to smoke a cigarette.
Which is very interesting remark given that OP claims she chatted from her home computer and left chat window open.
That is:
-either the OP has own business/service/shop and his wife works there (hence easier to overcome problems related to immigration status and inability to travel)
-or she works not in OP's business, and she was chatting from work. Then question is: why OP is lying that she kept the chat window open at home?
- or he was intentionally checking Skype chat history (it seems to me the history can be recovered no matter which computer was used for chat). adn then the OP did not just casually bumped into chat, but he started intentionally spying on his wife.

Even stranger conclusion - if the OP's wife is in fact working AND looking after 1yo baby, AND the house - why the OP claims that she is irresponsible and lazy partying and drinking 24/7 like she used to be doing back in Ukraine. (how long did he live with her together back in Ukraine? Did he make his conclusions about her lifestyle based on her behavior during her 1-week vacation while he was visiting there? Under what circumstances they met?)
Where did he get it from that his wife is lazy and irresponsible? I suppose her working and having 1yo baby is what he calls "I helped her getting adjusted to life in USA" and when she tries to relax and have some fun he calls it "a huge step back to her culture". hmmm.... how interesting..

4) why she can use only bus?
- she can't use flights
- on a trains - "non-citizen looking" passangers' documents are often checked too. At least mine were checked twice in two times i traveled by intercity train. On buses - i have not seen anybody checking documents. She for some reason does not drive car (either can't or doesn't want to).
the options are: air (impossible), train (undesirable), bus (possible), and car (all we know is that she chosen not to drive)

5) i didn't see where it says that OP spends much time with a child. He did spend much time with the child during weekend, and it made him so tired that he decided that he was too lenient with his wife, and should have not let her go for a trip.

6) why a woman who talks disapprovingly of man's drinking and tell him to cut on it, is called an alcoholic?


and finally - i am still curious what OP meant by "bad track record 3 years ago"? Could male contributors in this thread share their opinions, please? :-)

[GQBlues]

Do you also believe that OJ

Holy Desperation Deadbeats Batman! What's OJ got to do with all these? Was he in the hot tub with Chicago Dima?

GOB- Are you speaking of the same OJ who found Florida to be the only state out of 50 to be silly enough to accomodate him? THAT OJ?

 

[Gator]

This is why we have the GQ's of the world. ....They do it at the expense of their own dignity and of their partner. They convinced themselves they are the strong, secure alpha needed in these special situations. But in reality they are weak and probally more insecure than the so called player.

They dont command respect from their mate. They are like jelly fish, no backbone, eventually their mate loses respect for them. They see the weakness. The mate wants a strong partner who respects himself and who has convictions and at least some morals.

The jelly fish eventually turns to blob when it must confront the very issues he was supposedly secure about. The mask comes off. Reality sets in.

Wow!  Strong words SMS.  Is such really justified?  You make a bigger stretch than many posters are making with the incomplete  transcript.

I met GQBlues.  He is not how you described.  He somehow managed to marry a real Siberian beauty who literally stands about a foot taller than him.  A "jellyfish" could never do that.  

I do not not recall the wedding date; however, they are still married well after the time when GC girls and agenda girls have flown the coop.

You are off base here.

[JR]

I think Sculpto and Kuna got sent to the woodshed by "Herr" Dan. :evil:

I've been there a "few" times myself.


GOB

LOL, the war would definately be going in a different direction if Sculpto were here

[I/O]

IMO the "chat" is irrelevant. Whether or not some RM/s is up to his nuts in the ol' lady's guts or not is beside the point. The marriage is over and they need to have a "blunt" (Frank if you like) discussion to sort out the longer term living arrangements.

I base my view on her bad behaviour and to be fair, I would susepct his may be no better. Generally there is fault on both sides. Doesn't change anything. This one is in the crapper. 

[OlgaH]

20:38:20 slushayu poshla ty na.... - you know what - just fu-k yourself (talking to a femlae, most likely to her mom)
20:38:50 mama pozvonila nervy mne poportila (( - (talking to another person) mom just called me and got on my nerves/spoiled my mood

If the OP's wife talks to her mother in such manner (according to your "most likely") the OP's alarms really should be going off.

[mies]

IMO the "chat" is irrelevant. Whether or not some RM/s is up to his nuts in the ol' lady's guts or not is beside the point. The marriage is over and they need to have a "blunt" (Frank if you like) discussion to sort out the longer term living arrangements.

I base my view on her bad behaviour and to be fair, I would susepct his may be no better. Generally there is fault on both sides. Doesn't change anything. This one is in the crapper.  

do you have a mystic ball to see the future in?   how can you know that their marriage is over?

Guys and gals who tell the OP that marriage is over - how can you give advices of this level and importance to a man whom you do not know personally, and whose full story you never learned? It's very easy to give an advices like that here on the forum board, especially if it will not touch/harm your family in any way. And for OP's family your advices could turn into tragedy for 3 people. Be sensible please.

[mies]

If the OP's wife talks to her mother in such manner (according to your "most likely") the OP's alarms really should be going off.

we do not know in which expressions does her mother talk to her. Maybe this style was set by mom.

[OlgaH]

we do not know in which expressions does her mother talk to her. Maybe this style was set by mom.

Mother's style? In such case it sounds as "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree"

[mies]

Mother's style? In such case it sounds as "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree"

sorry, i don't see your point.

also - this was only an assumption that she is possibly talking to her mom. For sure we only know that she said it to a woman. And right after it she told someone else that her mom was getting on her nerves and telling her daughter that she made bad choice of a husband, and whatever else she might have told.

My ukrainian colleague stopped talking to her mom for 10 years when her mom for no reason after her daughter got married was calling her daughter all sort of things and demanding that she divorce the guy and made abortion. And was attacking husband verbally every day. They started living separately, but mom continued calling them every day with a scandal telling her daughter that she is a trainwreck, that the husband is a looser and "empty space", and that they are doomed forever. So one day when their marriage was really close to sad end, my colleague told her mom to fu-k herself and cut all contacts with her. Interestingly, in a 10 years, the couple still love each other very much, they are together, they have wonderful son their mom/MIL wanted to kill unborn, husband is CEO in large company, and woman is director finance in another company. They are solid upper-middle class in Ukraine. What would happen if the woman did not tell her mother the magic words and listened to her? My colleague still does not talk to her mom. And every time when she mentions her - she sounds very bitter and hurt. She says she does not feel like talking to her, and she does not feel that she is her mom.