A woman of your age

[Gator]

your wife needs her time with friends

This prompts an age gap comment.

Being a young single mama for two kids whose father disappeared when they were 3 and 4 yo, and with nil family support, my wife became too alone and too confined for too long.  She is enjoying the freedom to not work and to get away, albeit briefly, and have a broad social life.

Do not misinterpret that my wife is anything other than a fantastic mother. My wife's father abandoned her at birth.  Her mother was busy with a 'career' and did not stay around much, so she was raised by her grandmother - a fine woman, a stage actress who traveled to Europe in the 1960s and even owned a car in the 1970s.   My wife dedicated herself not to repeat the cycle, so she constantly attached herself to her kids.

When she listed herself with agencies and started to receive letters from Western men, she avoided the men who had young kids, even if on a part-time basis.    "My own kids are driving me crazy, how could I handle more!" 

That limited her to men with adult children or men who did not have and did not want children.  The latter group was not keen about a RW with two kids, regardless of her beauty.  Such had implications for the age of men with mutual interest.

[Turboguy]

I suppose goals could cause a conflict even in people with similar goals.   A quick example might be two people who are starting thier career but their best opportunites are in different cities.  Our goals mesh well.  I hope I can be of some help to her in reaching hers and do my best to do whatever I can.

For most of my life I have lived within 10 miles of where I do now.   The one exception was back when I was 19-21 I lived in the central part of the state in a much smaller village, around 3000 people.  City life never appealed to me that much but it seems to be what VWRW would enjoy and once she starts her career we will likey make a move.   It will be close enough that I can drive here if that is what I need at that time.  Humm a talking dog.  I wonder if it speaks Engish, Russian or both.  Both would worry me.  I would be intimidated to have a dog that was smarter than I was.

[Shadow]

.  Humm a talking dog.  I wonder if it speaks Engish, Russian or both.  Both would worry me.  I would be intimidated to have a dog that was smarter than I was.

Woof ?

[Simoni]

My dog picked up Russian rapidly when my wife arrived!  Amazing ability these dogs have in the linguistic arena.

[SANDRO43]

Woof ?

Byф!

[remiel6]

My wife to be wants to get a dog after she arrives, now you give me one more thing to worry about 

[Shadow]

Byф!

Sandro for once I can correct you. In Russian it is : Gav! (no cyrillic keyboard present)

[GQBlues]

 

Appropriately or otherwise, I suppose this discussion has gone to the dogs...

[ScottinCrimea]

The discussion seems to have turned to the isuues of being compatible and having common goals and values, which no one here is denying is important.

But the greater the age, or the closer one or the other party is to being at either end of the life stages, the LESS likely it is that they have these commonalities and the MORE likely it is that the differences will be overlooked in favor of a hot body, the great time you had on your two weeks of vacation with her, or desperation for whatever reason on the part of one or the other.

Add to that any language difficulties or lack of face time that prevent you from actually rooting out or discussing in depth what your goals and values are, and you're just loading another bullet in the cylinder.

While the odds are that some with big differences will find this compatibility, and the experiences and stories of some here testify that some have indeed done so, at least temporarily. the greater odds are that it will be found with someone of a more similar age and set of experiences.

[Turboguy]

While the odds are that some with big differences will find this compatibility, and the experiences and stories of some here testify that some have indeed done so, at least temporarily. the greater odds are that it will be found with someone of a more similar age and set of experiences.

I must have missed something.  Can you tell me what those stories were or can you give me some hypothetical examples to illustrate what you are saying.  Sorry, but I just can't see what you said as having any reinforcing validity with the posts in this thread or any other thread.

[Gator]

 

While the odds are that some with big differences will find this compatibility, and the experiences and stories of some here testify that some have indeed done so, at least temporarily. the greater odds are that it will be found with someone of a more similar age and set of experiences.

I agree. 

Turbo, the stories of finding compatibility are in this thread and the archives.  The idea that this is more likely to happen between two people of a similar age is a statement of the obvious.

My recommendations are to date someone of a similar age.  Yet I will not discourage a man who is seriously dating a much younger RW if (and it is a big IF) he has had positive experiences with younger AW, has a history of making good decisions, and has the time and money to build a loving and committed relationship before marrying.

Whether he dates a younger woman or a woman of the same age it is imperative that he determines that the two are indeed compatible (to include productive resolution of conflicts), share common values and have aligned goals.

This takes time, and the younger the RW, the more time he should take before deciding about marriage.  He needs to have the full experience of life with one of these mystifying creatures.  While she may be ready, a big question is whether he is ready for what married life will demand from him. 

I took 5 years.  Too long.  However, I advise to take at least a year or two.

[Turboguy]

I can't disagree with compatibility being important at all.  I think that is very important.   I disagree with the part about age having that much affect on compatibility.  I think the differences in people are a far more individual thing that any caused by age. 

I am not saying everyone should go out and look for a big age difference and I think the ideas you expressed are all correct and important. 

[Zhena]

My favorite niece is married to a man 23 years her senior. They have been married about 8 years and she is still very much in love with him....so yes, it can and does happen.

Will someone explain,why it cant happen?..
I saw an opinion here,that its near impossible and all the woman seeks in such a marriage,is comfort.
Maybe I dont understand something-ok,what a owman seeks in the marriage with a young man?  Why she can love a young one(and supposely enters the marriage only for love) and cant the older one? What a young man has that the older doesnt?
Very shallow opinion,I think.

[Dave13]

Gator, Of course you should take time before you get married, the whole  k-1 process for us was over eight months. I first met Anna in 2002 and we became engaged in 2003, but I do want to point out that I started this in June of 2002 and got my butt on the plane in Oct. 2002. Many of the guys just talk and talk and talk. RW are very tired of the Keyboard Romeo's. I did ask my wife  if this subject came up on the RW board, it does come up, but most of the time its the new ladies posting, makes you wonder why on this board its the guys with thousands of posts! ???

[GQBlues]

This takes time, and the younger the RW, the more time he should take before deciding about marriage.  He needs to have the full experience of life with one of these mystifying creatures.  While she may be ready, a big question is whether he is ready for what married life will demand from him. 

So true in my case...

The 2 dollar question is, how much of our life's experiences and knowledge can we rely on to prepare ourselves to recognize and adapt to the ever-pressing demands of marrying a woman from another culture, let alone one much younger than 'we'? Will you be able to use the age differential in your lives to your relationship’s advantage?

It's so very easy to lose sight of what it really takes to marry a foreigner. It's so easy to play 'husband and lover' in our minds and not pay special attention to the fact that life happens when we're too busy making plans in our own lives – and for ourselves. Being a lover is easy. It's the being a 'husband' is the where we can count the bodies.

I couldn't ask for a better woman in my life than my wife. She's loving, motivated, ambitious, bright (4.0 GPA at Cal-State Univ.) and very beautiful. I have no doubt someday she'll be as wonderful a mother as she is a wife and person today. She's tremendously incredible for me.

But that really isn't the rub.

Before when I decided to settle down and get married, I had visions of what and how my life was going to be. I am an engineer by profession and trust me when I say that being methodical and calculating is second nature to everything I do in my life. I gave myself time for dating/search, time for marriage/settling and laid out contingencies to properly phase the blue moons in my life so I can arrive to my grand design - my very own family.

So off I went with blueprints in hand...

Well, that was a little over 6 years ago...Today, I am barely scratching the surface. In the meantime, I am 6 years further up the age ladder.

A year into my wife's arrival I came to the realization that my life will now be committed to living it based upon the newly dictated scripts in our lives. I shelved the blueprints because it became obvious to me that all the contingencies I allowed for never even remotely came close to cover up the unforeseen conditions along the way. So much of life's realities had to be lived, shared, commit to – unselfishly - for my wife BEFORE she can even be the main component in my life's design. It is not about what's lacking in my wife as a person for us but rather about where she needed to be to become the complete person for herself first.

Suffice it to say, my life today is not how I envisioned it before. It’s become so much, much more. I may still live the life I once envisioned but maybe I won’t. I am at peace with that. Time as always, is linear and life is simply too abstract. It's not my wife's fault, nor is it because of her age. I believe even if she's a day younger than me, the reality is, I will still be in the same position I am today. To me it's important to make sure that the woman I married becomes the fullest person she can possibly be before I can even begin to selfishly reap what I sought for myself in the beginning. IMHO, this falls more in line with marrying someone from another culture.

My wife and I agree this is the way we have to do this. I could've easily been selfish and take what I wanted out of our relationship by year 2, but what future am I giving 'us' if I had done it that way?

Unless you can stand behind the responsibility of supporting your conviction to the fullest of your ability - DO NOT take a woman out of her house and country and fit her into your world without due regard to her significance, not as your wife, but the person that she is. Marrying a woman from another culture, in our case FSU, is a monumental task. It is a huge responsibility. You need to understand the challenges to their fullest as life does not provide for matinee previews...

Would things be different had my wife been a year younger than me? I don’t think so, for me at least. Even at an advanced age, her welfare and being – as her own - will still be foremost in my mind. I didn’t want a wife to fill my void. I hoped for a wife to be complimentary in ours as a family.

[Gator]

Gator, Of course you should take time before you get married, the whole  k-1 process for us was over eight months. I first met Anna in 2002 and we became engaged in 2003, but I do want to point out that I started this in June of 2002 and got my butt on the plane in Oct. 2002.

You are another success story as testified by your 5+ years of marriage and accounts of a delightful life together in Russia's former colony.   I know that you are a fantastic man because how many RW would move to Alaska and track bear?!  I imagine that your kindred spirits were connecting early despite a 17-yr age difference.  So you went with your feelings after just a couple of meetings, and your relationship I assume is stronger than ever. 

Nevertheless, I still think a man should take time, a lot of time with a large age gap.  Okay, where is OWW (OneWeekWonder) who has been married for over 5 years?

I did ask my wife  if this subject came up on the RW board, it does come up, but most of the time its the new ladies posting, makes you wonder why on this board its the guys with thousands of posts! ???

Very interesting about the new ladies.  Implications?  Does this mean the new ladies have concerns early in their marriage and are discussing them with other RW?  I doubt that your wife was posting in her first year with you about the negatives and positives of age gaps.

Normally I avoid the age gap threads, yet as noted by KenC this one differed from the past, in large part due to KenC's and Scott's open and frank comments.

[Gator]

To me it's important to make sure that the woman I married becomes the fullest person she can possibly be before I can even begin to selfishly reap what I sought for myself in the beginning. IMHO, this falls more in line with marrying someone from another culture.

 

A superb post, both in style and substance.

There is much that I could quote, yet this sentence caught my eye.  It describes exactly the level of dedication needed in a loving, committed relationship.  I imagine that it is a 2-way street.  Just guessing, I assume her youth and beauty are mere frosting on the exquisite "cake" you married. 

[GQBlues]

I imagine that it is a 2-way street.  Just guessing, I assume her youth and beauty are mere frosting on the exquisite "cake" you married.

Thanks Gator...

But yes, my wife's had been far above commendable. Even now, she strains to make sure to find balance in her very demanding times these days...work, her online studies as I've mentioned upthread, and our household. She even surprises me because the last time she was in Novo was '07 but yet according to her, she's got way more priorities to attend to lately to even think of going back to Novo anytime soon. She is also very much aware we're trying to save time and money for a home and hopefully a child in the not too distant future...

What I do want to emphasize however, there's a whole lot of work, patience and conflict resolution that were required of us to reach this common goal. It was apparent that 'my plans' need to be amended and superceeded to accomodate both of us and our future together - instead of what was initially stated as being important to 'me'.

Had I married a woman who was 35 (obviously she would be 41 now)...even if we had a child today, my being will be as it is today, my concerns the same for my family's welfare. If anything was to happen to me, my wife at 41 with a child, seem rather unsettling versus a woman in her late 20s/30 with a US degree and full immersion of our society's demands and challenges, both professionally and personally; appear a bit more comfortable to me.

Anyway, this is just me and in no way a promotion for anyone to marry anyone outside their culture let alone a much younger women. This is NOT easy. If I knew then what I know now, I definitely would had done what 'jb' adviced me to do before. Stay home.

To quote Mike Tyson, "Everyone has a plan until he gets hit!". International marriage is, well, a nice cold serving of Garlic milkshake FWIW.

[Faux Pas]

"Everyone has a plan until he gets hit!".

I never ever thought I would live to see the day that Tyson would be quoted with a bit of wisdom yet, here it is.

[SunnyAK]

Very interesting about the new ladies.  Implications?  Does this mean the new ladies have concerns early in their marriage and are discussing them with other RW?  I doubt that your wife was posting in her first year with you about the negatives and positives of age gaps.

It means that the "veterans of message boards battles" are sick and tired of discussing the same thing again, and again, and again...The result of such threads is always the same: everybody just sticks to their own point of view and never budges. Some claim that other people are just jealous of their happiness. Some claim that their feelings were hurt (poor things).

Did I take part in those discussions before? Guilty as charged. After a couple of times realized that they are useless. Everybody's situation is unique: while I'm perfectly happy with my husband who is 17 years older than me, there is somebody else who's miserable with a person of their own age.
Peace!

[Dave13]

Now what do the RW talk about on their boards. ??? My wife does give me some insights, most of the time she just says stuff, but its about a very interesting subject. 

Dave

[SunnyAK]

Now what do the RW talk about on their boards. ??? My wife does give me some insights, most of the time she just says stuff, but its about a very interesting subject. 

Dave

I just don't want to give a heart attack, dear. You know, we - younger wives - have to take a very good care of our older hubbies. To make sure you last longer. 

[JR]

I'm perfectly happy with my husband who is 17 years older than me

WHOOP WHOOP !

AGE GAP ALERT! !

[remiel6]

Thank you Sunny for sharing your opinion, and as you have personal experience from a female point of view it is valuable experience at that. I wish you continued success  and happiness 

[Gator]

Everybody's situation is unique: while I'm perfectly happy with my husband who is 17 years older than me, there is somebody else who's miserable with a person of their own age.

For those who do not know Sunny, she is a long time participant on RW discussion forums.  I recall her breezy and upbeat posts from RWG years ago.  Her name "Sunny" is indeed appropriate.

I wonder if Dave and Sunny now both pack a magnum pistol when taking their walks in Alaska.