Divorce

[Jazzyclassy]

    Who gives a damn what you think you deserve to know?  AJ doesn't owe you jack!
           

Obviously AJ does give a damn of how people think , why then he posts things first of all.

As how a lot of people told here many times if you said A say B

And secondly I do not understand such emotions from your side KenC, nobody said anything negative in this thread at all

[Jumper]

I think you definitely should have  kept it in private unless you could openly say what is wrong.
Because you just confused a lot of people by your thoughts and your reasons, I did not understand any reasons and any issues at all . I agree with Doll and Zhena totally
You were picturing such a fantastic fabulous family couple for all of us for so many years that a lot of people are in shock by the news now.

Why showing  perfect relations on public if in truth nothing is/was perfect in your marriage, I will never understand that

Jazzy-
I gave reasons, i just not go into detail of them.
did i react to questions?
i may not have answered them fully, but i did answer them the best i could.

AJ , what happened?
is a question!!

AJ, was it about children?
is a question!!

AJ did she get a new job?
 is a question
Aj
did her mother come over?
is a question.

but some did not notive..that in my FIRST post
i answered those questions already.
a said i wanted to clear up the expected speculation!!
and i did state CLEARY it was none of those things.


and jazzy-
AJ
, your wife *must* have  gotten a better job, or mother arrived , or graduated college,
or been *waiting* for something..

or
AJ you must haved done something , there has to be somerthing ,
or she wouldnt be leaving you (when actually i'm leaving her relationshipwise)

these are not a questions jazzy!
they are  improper and inaccurate speculation and insinuation.
 you can surely see that distinction jazzy?

I have always said that we had to work hard in our marriage, we were happy most of the time for sure!
but yes it took a lot of hard work.I never pretended all was *perfect*?
i certainkly impliad we were happy couple, you can ask members here that know us well, we were.
 Certainly i posted pictures of good times? typically of our anniversary..
 because people tend not to  post pictures of some disagreements they had during the year..?

I guess i understand now,
that unless i wanted to write  a"tell all" book about my own, and my wifes troubles,
i shouldn't have posted we  are seperating at all.right?

why would that make more sense to some of you?

wouldn't the forum members in general, regardless of details,  
still like to be informed that indeed we have come to the decision to seperate?

whatever was i thinking?
 I'm so silly like that !!;D

[Jazzyclassy]

I am sorry you felt that away , after my post in particularly , where i did not say anything which could hurt you and anything new, that some of the members did not express before

I hope you both will be happy and whatever your issues are , one day maybe it will be resolved and no matter what life still goes on

sorry for interfering actually , I do not understand a lot of things in American way of thinking, a lot of people in Russia always say things straight and I think there are huge misunderstandings between Russians and Americans in terms of how you express yourself

[Blues Fairy]

\I do not understand a lot of things in American way of thinking, a lot of people in Russia always say things straight and I think there are huge misunderstandings between Russians and Americans in terms of how you express yourself

Please don't explain bad manners by a national trait of character.  Not all Russians like to pry.   

[Jumper]

 

well ok those two post gave me  a good laugh..
thank you !  i needed one.

jazzy,
 actually i dint intend the post so much at you particularly, but i see how it would be taken that way, i would have as well.

Really  i was just trying to answer your  thoughts and expectations  on being "open " in a forum

there is always going to be a place between -
not posting at all-
 and posting every tiniest detail?
each person willl have thier personal comfort area,
and it will vary on different subjects?

and i was  explaining why i felt dolls earlier *insinuations* and expressed "opinions as facts"  were not the same as a *question*


 I will certainly attempt to be less sensitive on the subject..



so in that light!!
and maybe more like my old self with very  twisted humor-
at least temporarly ,,because today, i'm feeling pretty decent,,each day is different,,
but today
i can  actually joke and laugh a bit at our own expense even! 

so- that said-

dang - we should come clean on everything! ..  ! !!
yeap !! she was *waiting* for something!!! a prize possesion!! that famous GC!!
 she waited so destitute and patiently in a horrible situation , in a trailor with an with nonworking lazy alchoholic husband  !!
6 long and horrible years untill she could get her green card ,  then poof left!
 
(never mind that she got it the second week she was here, many  years ago, that just wouldn't make a good story now would it?)



i feel so relieved now that the cat is out of the bag.!:"whew"!

so  ok now!! what details would you like to know about this  now exposed by the *RWD detectives* story?

maybe:
which alchohol i drank this 6 years?
well i really i prefer  Three Floyds beer,
but my wife got me used to Baltica so she would feel more at home,since my breath would
at least smell Russian..
and hey its the least i could do since i go thru about a case a day and she was slaving away at the local piggly wiggly store
as a clerk to pay for it.

how big a trailor did we live in?
well it was a double wide, that my grandpa left to me,,  so i figured she would be happy..
afterall it was bigger than her old flat  in Dneper
and dint have that tiny lift,, long stairway or crumbling balcony..
all right on the ground floor here, no step at all! livin' large! 
 how much more could you want?
and the heat doesnt even get turned on or off at a give day in the year,
 you can actually adjust it your own self ,on any day you want to !!
 a palace a tell ya!  most of the windows work..
and there is even a car port!!! to rest her lexus under
(oh!!opps!  wait!  i meant her bicycle that she rides to the piggly wiggly store, can be out of the rain there)
me? my ride? well  i let her ride the bicycle to stay in good shape, ,(you can tell it worked from the photos?!)
i cant dribe fro mto many DUI's f course,
so i've a nice cub cadet lawn mower that i took the deck off so it would go a bit faster..its a beaut!
all new spray paint!! bright yeller! nice! 
thats just how i roll !


what about children?
well like i said that was the very biggest issue!!
 'cause you see i wanted 23 of them *lil un's* running around..
that would be sure to keep her home,,and heck if you aint worked in years like me,.
the govment pays you for each one of them little buggers!
 we'd be rich!!
but she only wanted one,two at the most! no compromise at ALL! PERIOD!
how the heck am i going to buy that used bass boast off of  my drinking buddy  fred ,
if she wont have more childrenz??
it just wnt work,and it cant be a happy family without  a decent bass boat in it?
 what can she be thinking? CULTURAL diffeences  i say!
she just dont understand!! its so sad.
  I dont thinkthey have them thar bass boats in the dneper river ,
and so theres no way she can understand how important it is to the happiness of an american man and 'mercan family.


so you can plainly see, not that the details  are all drug out of me, by the KGB..or rather the OBN (old bubushki network)
 
 its just irreconcilible differences..
and some cultural ones.

but dont you worry,, i still care about her!! even if she did leave after she got her GC..
and  i mean how can she know how important a bass boat was to the family right?
i'm  going to try and fix her up with fred, see's how  he gots about 13 or 14 kids from 3 different wives,,and they all left him.
'cause of his torrets and all. 
shes got the GC now,,they was paying cash at the piggly wiggly,, so now maybe she can get a a real good office job like at the farmers insurance place, or something   cool like that? and well fred, he  does have a bass boat..so maybe they can  make it.
and maybe if hes happy enough he'll let me borrow it.so even though sad now , maybe it will all work out for the best for all of is.

 



 my apologies to any that offends, i am light hearted at the moment..so there isnt any sarcasm there ,
just a simple poke at all the funny stereotypes that exist..

i've been taking the comments here way too seriuosly..
 
so you can be shocked at my silly twisted humor,
or laugh about it!!

whatever stirs your borscht!


either way
rest assured  that while i can be pretty crazy,filippant, and silly.
i'm serious in life and family matters,
and i'll continue working to the best interests of my family,and my extended family in Ukraine,and
have the courage to make whatever hard choices that path leads me down.

[SMS60]

And why we should not drink vodka and post on forums.

[Jazzyclassy]

AJ

that is good you reacted that way. I am sure you will both be fine

[acrzybear]

[quote author=AJ link=topic=10508.msg205577#msg205577 date=1256665615

 i meant her bicycle that she rides to the piggly wiggly store, can be out of the rain there)
me? my ride? well  i let her ride the bicycle to stay in good shape, ,(you can tell it worked from the photos?!)
i cant dribe fro mto many DUI's f course,
so i've a nice cub cadet lawn mower that i took the deck off so it would go a bit faster..its a beaut!
all [/quote]

AJ

I thought you looked familar, I think I found some videos of a couple of your DUI's

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[youtube=425,350]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/RNPxIibhcKY&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/RNPxIibhcKY&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

[Doll]

i cant dribe fro mto many DUI's f course,

What is it?

[Jumper]

And why we should not drink vodka and post on forums.

well folks wanted details? they got some?

Details:
Actually I don't drink.
A couple of times a year if we are out with friends,but usually if we are out, i choose to be the designated driver.

 My emotions right now change every hour ,one moment  i'm fine ,
trying to look ahead and being positive..
and can even laugh or make some twisted joke at my own expense..
The next hour something random may remind me of things,
i'll feel gutted,and  i may have to leave the room and cry.pathetic perhaps?
you may be a stronger person than me.
who knows? entirely possible.

 i've walked some pretty rough areas of this earth,,
and been in some bad places and situations..
 Only three things have ever broken me down emotionally,the birth of my son,the sudden death of my first wife, and the current ending  of this marriage.
There are real people (3 of them) with real heartbreak behind these posted words.

so despite wanting them,  *all* the details may not be  comfortable for the peanut gallery to read.

but for the  moment, reading and posting again here is  a bit theraputic for me.Not sure why.

[Jumper]

 

I cant dribe fro mto many DUI's f course

What is it?

Doll, it was in jest..

 I can't drive from too many DUI (Driving Under the Influence)
(written by a trailor park alcholic might come out -
I cant dribe fro mto many DUI's of course)

If you lose your license from driving drunk,,
you can no longer drive a car
 and some drunks resort to driving a scooter or riding lawn mower.


You surely don't  actually believe that's an accurate summation
of my life in some way?

it may be a joke in poor taste.,.?
but there was enough poor taste going around already ..
i truly doubt i added much to it.





 

[Gator]

AJ,

Hang in there.  Rest assured you have many supporters.

[UTRO]

Hang in there AJ.
You've been here longer than most of us.
Can be a tough crowd as we all know.
Majority are friendly fire.
My very first Post was met with some scepticism.... from a certain Russian Woman named JC
Hope your heart heals sooner than later.

[groovlstk]

AJ,

Ignore the bloodsuckers, let them find joy in the details of someone else's misfortune.

[Misha]

My emotions right now change every hour

Divorce is never easy. Make sure to take care of yourself.

[GQBlues]

but for the  moment, reading and posting again here is  a bit theraputic for me.Not sure why.

It's actually a fairly good outlet for the moment AJ. That's exactly what I was thinking. A place where everyone knows your name, your saga but yet remains faceless for the most part.

Even posts that may appear inflammatory, speculative or unsympathetic, strange as it may seem - has its own purpose. You need a relief and an outlet. It's good that you are doing so.

Keep those you feel is sacred to you - well kept and close to your heart. You have many friends here than you do doubters, so if nothing else hopefully this is one venue where you can still find comfort.

btw, I like the trailer bit. But I think it should stay on its lifts. This way you can swing it around 90 degrees at a time to change the view from the bedroom.

I feeger, a diffrent vuw fer every seeson!

We've been watching a whole lot of HGTV recently and every now and then they'll show people moving these massive homes crosstown. I always think to myself there must be a whole lot of people with nothing to do to be doing this. They buy an old house, spend money to pour the slab, pay money to get it moved, then get it set somehow hoping it doesn't blow-up. For the size of the home, it seems to me it's cheaper to just build a new one. But, it's amazing how these things get moved, man...

Post as much as you want and as much as you need AJ.

[Ludmila]

Gals, for those who are left in doubt about the current moment.

AJ is feeling far from nice and sugary.Think yourselves: the divorce in the offing, rainy/nasty feelings about the present and near future-- assorted financial problems, but the main thing is the search for a new wife. Don't think AJ is going to be alone. He is a nice and good looking guy.

It isn't customary to share, even more so, whine , in real-- non-internet-- life among americans ( unlike  Russians). Especially, when at times, your life is rolling somewhat downhill. Meanwhile, to do it here, on the forum-- is OK.
Anyone can post anything. For AJ , posting on this forum is a way not to hold all these negative thoughts inside. It is an OUTLET. It is very important psychologically for him. Let him. He simply needs it now.

That he is turning everything into a farce-- well, it is to distract himself in some way, and to fill up his time somehow. No one would feel happy reporting his own failure preceded by success ( or so we think), when so many have been  rooting for you all way along.

People talking compassionately in their posts, albeit sayin some general things, is a therapy in its own right.
As it turned out, the problems have been there from the start-- nobody wants to part with the dream or with what you like to see in your partner, which they are not and never were. People are prone to self deception . Illusions.

And you know what, I have a feeling, they are not done with the parting. They will keep returning time and again. In this or that format. It is hard to part, especially, if there are some parts in their relationship which are still alive.
I don't think they will ever be enemies. Everything will be civilized. This isn't a story about Lady Macbeth of Mtsensk.

I have a feeling their future families will be friendly. This isn't love Russian style. This is love American style.

Gals, just, perhaps, try to be either reserved, or say nothing at all. You are asking for details thinking you want to give an understanding ear and help with some advice. Jazzy, in America it is called prying , and "лезть в душу". A typical difference in Russian/ American understanding of social models of behavior. "То, что русскому хорошо, немцу-- смерть". You simply have to understand that Americans look at the ways of showing compassion differently.

 Doll and Jazzy, AJ does not need advice.  They-- him and her-- know everything about their life. And since long ago.

Only the heart is bleeding for the kid. Cause the kid thought he found a mom.

[ScottinCrimea]

Pure speculation on my part. Still, I think there may be some vailidity in it.

I see some here wanting to know the details of why the breakup is happening and I wonder why this is so important to them.  What I have concluded is that these are people who are in some way insecure in their own marriage.  They see the breakup of what by all appearances was a happy marriage and the bells of concern start ringing.  They probe for some specific reason for the breakup, hoping that they can look at this specific, concrete reason, evaluate it in regards to their own relationship, and conclude that since this detail doesn't apply to their marriage in exactly the same fashion, that they are safe.

Unfortunately, AJ, you are not providing them with the specific details they are hoping for in order to validate their own marriage, and this frustrates the Bejesus out of them.

Keep posting for your own needs, not theirs.

[Makkin]

AJ,


   It's okay to talk about your divorce here because we have come to know you here as a good guy. Your a class act from what I've read about you and your a pretty honest person.

   No need for extreme details at this time or ever if you feel that way. It's about you being a friend here over the years and sharing your life with us. You have always been able to explain and descibe yourself here. Don't rush to describe things yet or ever if you choose.

   Seems to me some ladies want to see things as it's a woman who made this decision for divorce but as you explain it's you. This is harder to do and takes a lot of thought and strength. You have decided what's best at this time and you are now being thought of by some women here as hiding something because they cannot fully believe a man has made such a life decision.

   In any case I wish you a better time with all this and pray for both of you.



   Makkin

[Caddydaddy]

AJ, I feel sorry to read about that 
It is hard for outsiders on a forum to understand about the how and why of a divorce. This process usually needs quite a time to develop between the involved and it is complicated on the emotional level. I still have people around me who do not understand my divorcement of my Ex, nor understand that I married my Baby so quickly.

Anyway,
I wish you all the luck!

[Doll]

Gals, just, perhaps, try to be either reserved, or say nothing at all. You are asking for details thinking you want to give an understanding ear and help with some advice.

No, I understood what the reason was.

[Faux Pas]

Ludmilla.....excellent post! 

Scott....seems to me a natural human reaction for those with a tendency to be nosey. Some morbid curiosity like the instinct to rubberneck an accident on the highway. It certainly could be insecurity in their own relationships but whatever it is, trying to dig through someone else's recently ending relationship like buzzard's pouncing on roadkill is rude.

The man is obviously in a very difficult state at the moment and needing to vent in his way. Ask him about the details he shares and leave it at that. When you feel the need to ad lib, add conjecture or anything else remember, "silence is golden". There's plenty of time for you to dissect and seek someone to blame later if he chooses to provide you with fodder. It's really time to show a modicum of respect for a longtime member.

[KenC]

Ludmilla.....excellent post!

A year ago I would not have understood AJ's position at all.  But I have learned through my own heartache of my recent divorce that it is not necessary that there be a "bad guy" in a dissolving marriage.  There also does not need to be obvious reasons which others understand.  A marriage can be 90% "right" and only 10% "off" and still fail.  It all depends upon the importance of that 10%.  In the beginning that 10% might be like a pebble in your shoe.  Tolerable for a short walk, but intolerable in a marathon.  Marriage is a marathon.
KenC

[IAmZon]

Dead on!  KENC  - A marriage can be 90% "right" and only 10% "off" and still fail.  It all depends upon the importance of that 10%.  In the beginning that 10% might be like a pebble in your shoe.  Tolerable for a short walk, but intolerable in a marathon.  Marriage is a marathon."

Ludmilla; and BF - your comments typify why so many AM are attracted to RW.

When that 10% builds to the point you think to yourself, "Is this as good as it gets?"  Then, sadly, a do-over is probably the best course of action for all involved.  A good marriage, in the long term, is a very rare thing (much more than we would like to admit).  And, most importantly, things do not need to last forever in order to be wonderfully life changing and worthy.

When I was going through a divorce, the first couple months - even though I TRIED to be very careful and consturive and sound - felt an acid trip.  Time heals that.  I think it is the only thing that does

[Jumper]

Ludmilla.....excellent post!

A year ago I would not have understood AJ's position at all.  But I have learned through my own heartache of my recent divorce that it is not necessary that there be a "bad guy" in a dissolving marriage.  There also does not need to be obvious reasons which others understand.  A marriage can be 90% "right" and only 10% "off" and still fail.  It all depends upon the importance of that 10%.  In the beginning that 10% might be like a pebble in your shoe.  Tolerable for a short walk, but intolerable in a marathon.  Marriage is a marathon.
KenC

Ken's post as very accurate.
and more like 90% amazingly incredibly great, 10% pretty rough.

You can imagine that a couple that is generally happy, would simply work on that 10%,(of course they do)
try to get it to 92/8 then 95/5
and also understand that no situation would likely ever be 100%
you might understand that MANY couples out there now, simple deal with 80/20 and go thru life generally happy?
neither of us are willing to settle for that.
and as ken mentions, its the importance of the 10% thats the crux?
can you imagine,, that a couple working on that 10%,,would experience times were it was much better?
maybe 99/1  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and always have hope that it would stay there ?and it appears that it goes in the right direction..
even when it fluctates or goes to 80/20.. it seems quite possible to work out,, even likely with time?
afterall people change ,thier views change or soften with time,, and they both hope with all their hearts that the paths completely converge with time, and they love each other enough to give it that time..? and do so.
but to actually get there, in time they realize they have to compromise something basic of themselves, not simple things, things that would be at the root of who they are.
Still they both  hope for the best of course!!  because most of the time life is very good!!
 At some piont in thier journey,, enough time passes that they have to both sit down and decide if they feel it will ever change on this 10%,? or if they can both simply decide it isnt that important.and live happily with it.
or they can decide to give it yet more time because indeed they do love each other,and how much time is enough?
The very toughest of those 3 possible decisions is to seperate.
so its hard to imagine they would choose it??

they must not love each other?
but the reality is we do love each other, and have made this decision,
and yes it is the hardest one,by far.
it would be so much easier to again hope that in 6 more years our paths completely converge right?
or just deal with the 10% as we have been..
it is a path already traveled, it is comfortable, it is alongside someone you love,and have fantastic times with..
do you not think we both know this?

for us as a couple,
the 10% has been there all along, it became a deal breaker with time,because we hoped to resolve it all along yet cannot despite 6 years of effort to do so. we decided not to give it another 6 years.
It is more important to me to resolve it than her, so i pushed the issues.we both likely never pushed the issues so hard before, because deep indside we knew it would be a breaking piont and certainly did not want to go there.Why on earth face such pain if you dont absolutely have to?Especially when there is always the eternal hope it can be resolved ,,or maybe with more time it could be?
 
I told you it isnt really relevent to anyone here?
because everyone is different!

1.some couples would simple settle for how it is, it is generally happy, so keep the status quo.
2.some couples , these issues wouldnt be a priority  to both.
the importance of the 10% would be far less, depending on whats particularly important to them in family life.

kenC   -
the peeble is the best analogy i've seen.
and what i see here, is people are thinking  * how can just a peeble break you?*

and yes ,please understand that both of us,, feel the same way!!!
 how on earth can a pebble break us ,it is only an uncomfortble peeble ,so we continued to run the marathon of life together.
we hoped it would come out of the shoe with some prying,or that we could tolerate it the miles to the marathons end.

Someone that trains thier whole life for the one big  marathon,is heartbroken to have to not finish from such a thing.
or a hamstring pull. or any other problem that holds them from the finish?
they are simply devastated ,,but it happens.
They will not finish this particular race, even if thier whole life before was dedicated to it.


For me its a good analogy as i race,and compete, in many events a year,
during the actual race ,it is all that matters ,nothing is more important, i couldn't be more focused..or determined.
I always finish,,and always the best a can.i give everything and leave nothing back.I crashed and broke my ankle ,the fibula, during in an event this year, i picked up the bike and still finished,,and finished well. a 3rd and made good money.
 normally I can overcome anything. other competitors would be in the ambulance to the hospital?I went the next day.the doctors berated me,,casted it,gave me crutches,  and told me 8 weeks off minimum..That week i  removed the cast and raced again the next weekend with it broke.It is a  long series for a chamipionship, you cannot miss events, and i was determined to win it in my class,.,and i did so.During the course of the season,i also broke the scaphiod bone in my wrist..and my bike broke mechanically once ,
and i pushed it about a  mile thru difficult terrain to still finish.(and this was while the ankle was still healing.granted it wasnt a bad break). It was a difficult season. Most are. i'm used to it.
but sometimes things happen ,(they have to me in the past) and you cannot finish.

as you can imagine, my marraige and family is 100,000x times more important to me ,
than any silly racing series or title,
you can trust if i cannot finish something, i did everything possible to do so.
I do not say this stuff to boast,it was to give  a glance into our life..
My wife certainly knows my and her efforts thru our marriage,has always been appreciative of all i've done and all
 we've been thru together.