Men (and women) why do you let age inappropriate relationships get started?

[Mars]

Here is the thing I do not understand about men involved with large age differences; whether in the beginning stages as Markc444 or in married stage as Gator.

All seem to understand it is a large potential problem.

So my question is:  Why on earth did you ever get started with it in the first place?????

You are looking at dating sites.  You see a pretty face or a nice profile writeup or an age inappropriate gal contacts you first or whatever.  

But right at that point is the time to end it or stop it before it gets started.  Why continue on until you have reached a point of no return where the next step is a meeting, etc.?????  

Then you go on endlessly about whether you should move forward given that you know there is a big potential problem.

Why do you let it get started??

On dating sites where I am registered, I get almost daily contacts from underage women (under my age cutoff).  I immediately delete.  Very simple to do at that stage.

And I set the search engine to have a lower age cutoff, so I never even see profiles or pictures of underage women (under my age cutoff).  Again, very simple to do at that stage.

[Ravens9273]

Mars,

While your point is very good. There is no feelings invested during that first letter.
However while I am not pointing to the Men you mentioned above the problem is not in how you described it. The issue is many Men purposely seek out the much younger Women.
Their journey to find a RW started because of the fantasy many agencies painted that an older Man can meet and marry a much younger Woman.

Each Man has his own story and as mentioned I will not speak for the names you listed. However as a whole a majority of the Men on this adventure started because they believe they can find a much younger, beautiful (trophy) wife.

[dogspot]

Innappropriate to who?

My parents recently celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. They have an 11 year age gap. Is this innappropriate?

[Mars]

Ravens, yes I understand your point.

But I am addressing an entirely different concept.

My topic concerns those who admittedly did not set out to seek a much younger mate.

Rather, I am addressing those who did not have this as a beginning goal; but rather made a (what they thought) would be simple flirtatious contact that would lead nowhere, or replied to a contact when they knew it should go nowhere.

These were wise men who knew before hand there would be serious potential problems and didn't seek to be involved with age inappropriate women; but yet they let the relationship get started.

[Mars]

Innappropriate to who?

My parents recently celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. They have an 11 year age gap. Is this innappropriate?

Dogspot, let's not let this deteriorate into that type of discussion.  Let's agree that each man and woman has their own definition of what is inappropriate.

Then, given the individual definitions . . . why do the men and women let the age inappropriate situation (as defined individually by themselves) get started?

[Misha]

Rather, I am addressing those who did not have this as a beginning goal; but rather made a (what they thought) would be simple flirtatious contact that would lead nowhere, or replied to a contact when they knew it should go nowhere.

Perhaps I am too cynical as I simply do not believe it when people say that they weren't really looking for someone younger, that they simply happened to find someone much younger than they expected...  

[Faux Pas]

It would seem to me that the shear curiosity of the younger woman expressing an interest is enough for most men to start the communication. Of course some men take much less prodding than others. I have no opinion on the age factor. Obviously some work while many do not. Those that do work are pointed to as beaming success and those that don't are always referred to as train wrecks looking for a happening.

Many men enter this pursuit with nothing but thoughts of a much younger wife. To those guys I say "power to them". It takes a lot of energy and patience to make such a relationship work. For those and with this in mind wouldn't it be self-defeating to end it before it began?

[Mars]

Perhaps I am too cynical as I simply do not believe it when people say that they weren't really looking for someone younger, that they simply happened to find someone much younger than they expected...  

Yes, I understand that also.

But let's try to move beyond that to the situations where it is true.

[markc444]

Here is the thing I do not understand about men involved with large age differences; whether in the beginning stages as Markc444 or in married stage as Gator.

All seem to understand it is a large potential problem.

So my question is:  Why on earth did you ever get started with it in the first place?????

You are looking at dating sites.  You see a pretty face or a nice profile writeup or an age inappropriate gal contacts you first or whatever.  

But right at that point is the time to end it or stop it before it gets started.  Why continue on until you have reached a point of no return where the next step is a meeting, etc.?????  

Then you go on endlessly about whether you should move forward given that you know there is a big potential problem.

Why do you let it get started??

On dating sites where I am registered, I get almost daily contacts from underage women (under my age cutoff).  I immediately delete.  Very simple to do at that stage.

First off since  I was specifically mentioned in this post  I will reply to this.  I will not rehash my previous posts but I will say again that I myself never went looking for a Russian woman or a younger woman.  It was simply a friend I found ICQ and developed a strong relationship with over time becuase of common interests.  To be honest, I did not know what she looked like for the first 4 months.  We developed a relationship with just our minds.  It was not until we felt a bond in that manner that we decided to exchange photos.  And we did that by snail mail back and forth, not by sending files as she does not have the internet.  Her ICQ is through her phone company.  So there goes your theory of a pretty face on a website.  For me personally I would never use a dating agency.  I was not even looking for a relationship when we started messaging on ICQ.  And if this does not work out, now that I know how much of a hassle it is to meet someone in Russia I may even shy away from this again.  I mean to be honest I would be happy to meet someone right here in the good ole USA. But this happened at this time and this is where I am. But now I am going on endlessly as you say, so I will stop.  I just wanted to help you get your facts straight.  But to answer that question as why we let it happen.  Because  I just liked the other person and she liked me.  On a mental level.  So I hope that helps you out with markc444 anyway.  I am living and learning, and I am sure I will take away a lot from this one way or the other.

[SMS60]

Because they can in the given situation. Most likely could not do this in local dating. Its like a temptation which they can follow thru with. They most likely would not recieve this temptation on the local level. If they did they would most likely thwart the urge. This is like a secret to them. Out of sight out of mind of their social circle. They will deal with that later.

[dogspot]

Dogspot, let's not let this deteriorate into that type of discussion.  Let's agree that each man and woman has their own definition of what is inappropriate.

Great! Your answer definitely helps in clarifying that.

Since my 12 year age gap relationship is perfectly acceptable to me, I cannot really say why men allow relationships to develop outside of their acceptable range. But when I first started this endeavor, I was corresponding with a nice young lady of 21 years. She was amazing to me and at times I forgot her age. At the time I was communicating with a couple others, and later narrowed it down to her and one other, whom I would go on to spend a significant amount of time with. The truth is, I had a difficult time deciding which one of the two I wanted to continue with, and age did not play a factor in my final decision, although I was well aware that she was too young for me, even in my own mind. But she was so sweet and interesting and cute...

[BC]

Mars,

It is well known that older men are enchanted with young women.. no secret at all and a part of the 'drive' that many seek in FSU IMHO.

I enjoyed the company of younger women before on a short term basis, even a few hours, but almost 8 years ago I began my first long term relationship with almost 18 years difference.

It started before I ever knew RW related fora even exist, so as to the why.. - well it just happened.

Do I regret it?.. not really.. yet.. we have wonderful kids including a our 6 year old.

Do I say it's been easy?.. a resounding 'no'.

Would I suggest others follow my path?.. probably not, and especially not if you are seeking such a relationship.

My motto:  'Age difference issues will grow on you'

[BillyB]

In the past few months I went out with ladies the youngest being 20 years younger than me and the oldest 10 years older than me. Through initial contact we were mentally attracted to each other and physically attracted to each other. Go out on some dates and maybe nothing will come of it, maybe there will be a short term love affair or maybe it'll end up in marriage. That is up to both adults to determine where it'll end up. What is inappropriate about that? Inappropriate is not the word. Maybe we could say there was lack of wisdom on one or both persons if the relationship didn't work out but I wouldn't regret going out on a date with any of the women unless they are insincere or a biatch. Those attitudes by a woman or man are clearly inappropriate.


Mars, why do you let it bother you when adult people decide to do something that's not violating man's law or God's law by simply dating or agreeing to marry?

When I see a couple with a large age difference walking down the street, I don't get upset. I would think that man has money, brains, a good lover, or he has a great personality, good character and probably one awesome dude. The woman who's walking beside him knows him better than me and there must have been something about him that attracted her to him. Maybe you see a disaster walking down the street but those two don't see it that way and are probably enjoying their time together however long it may last.

[BC]

Mars, why do you let it bother you when adult people decide to do something that's not violating man's law or God's law by simply dating or agreeing to marry?

Just to twist the dragon's tail, would it bother you a bit to see a 50 year old man with a 14 year old girl?

Certainly quite unlikely, but possible here within legal and religious bounds.. That's only 36 years difference.. some here have a greater difference?

What's the limit?

[IAmZon]

The simple answer to your overly simple question is - CANDY.  It taste good.

But more to the point, and something Billy brings out, is how ONE dimensional societal steriotypes are.  I think it is exaggerated in the US, but ...

Would a young women rather be with an ugly 35 year old or a very attractive 45 year old?
Would a young woman rather be with a FAT 35 year old or a physically fit 45 year old?
Would a young woman rather be with a stupid and boring 35 year old or a intelligent and cultured 45 year old?
Would a young woman rather be with a 35 year old janitor or a 45 year old professional?
and so on and so on and so on.  The list can grow to be very very long.

In the end (we are animals first), there must be attraction and energy.  That is not defined by age.   

Yes, there are social complications.  But none of us knows what the future holds.

As one who was uncomfortable - after my divorce - in age gaps that were 15 and 20 years ... I have grown accustomed to them.  They are natural to me now.  AMAZINGLY SO!  I don't know why I used to be so uptight.  I see the stupidity of the questions and concerns now in a light I could not only a few years ago.

BUT, there is a prerequisite, or many prerequisites, in order to have a large age gap relationship with one's eyes wide open.  I doubt most men understand this until problems arise - and by then, it is often too late.  The cause of course for these mistakes stem from he man's appetite for the .... CANDY.

[BillyB]

Just to twist the dragon's tail, would it bother you a bit to see a 50 year old man with a 14 year old girl?

Certainly quite unlikely, but possible here within legal and religious bounds.. That's only 36 years difference.. some here have a greater difference?

What's the limit?

Some societies believe if a girl is old enough to bleed, she is old enough to breed. They've accepted that. I would have a problem with a 50 year old man and a 14 year old girl because we are not talking about two adults that can make rational decisions. It starts getting into an area where it's more about a predator chasing prey instead of two people just dating and wanting to find out if they'll fall in love. Most societies consider an 18 yo female as an adult and allows her to make her own decisions on who sleeps in her bed. I can accept that too.

I'd rather keep the age gaps difference discussion within relationships from straying into young hooker/pro dater/sex tourist business agreements and child molestors who clearly aren't searching for love.

[Turboguy]

Oh goody, another age gap thread but I guess this one does have a new twist.

For me,   When did I let it get started?  About 22 years ago right after my divorce when at 45 I lived with a 21 year old girl for 3 1/2 years.   Why,   I guess at that point in my life I would have liked to have kids again and most of the older women already had 4 or 5 by 4 or 5 different men.  After that relationship ended I dated a few other 21 year old women and a 30 year old along with a few who were older.  So for me it started long before I thought about RW.  

Why did I let it get started in the first place?  Why not.  I never really gave it much thought.  I always looked at age as just a number.  

Then you go on endlessly about whether you should move forward given that you know there is a big potential problem.   I must have missed that part in my thought process.   I don't recall going on endlessly or even being concerned about it.    I was targeting older women on the last go round and was not writing anyone under 30.   I was primarily looking in the 35-45 range, but writing women 5 years older or younger as well.   I saw one profile that was someone under 30 and the things she said sounded so wonderful I broke my own rule of no one under 30 and wrote her.  The rest is history but I would have fallen in love with her even if she had been 10 or 20 years older.  She was just very special and we hit it off very well.  

Frankly if someone looks at a profile and has the thoughts you mention they really should just pass and not let it get started.

[Dave13]

Here we go again, another age gap thread!

[Gator]

.... it is a large potential problem.

Mars,

Based on your accusations towards GQ in another thread, I don't think you would understand nor accept the answers.

What you consider as a "large potential problem"  may to another man be nothing more than an interesting opportunity to explore.

Perhaps what you consider impossible is a mere challenge to someone else.

You posts here and elsewhere suggest that you are very risk averse.  If so, why do you go to the FSU where there's some risk with every woman?  In fact, why consider a relationship with any woman anywhere?  You have been  to the FSU "4-10 times;"  why haven't you found a woman?  Do you want to find a woman who makes your heart sing?  Or a woman who makes you stop sweating?

In Donna Pedro's words, if you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

[remiel6]

 

Oh I tire of the same conversations, the same arguments, the same unchanged minds, it goes round and round and round.
He's an adult.
She's an adult.
The rest is none of mine or your business.

oh for gods sake. IF THIS WAS A SCIENCE WE WOULD ALL BE HAPPILY MARRIED AND THERE WOULD BE ZERO DIVORCE.

to quote plato. I only know that I know nothing.

I liked her.
She liked me.
maybe it lasts forever, maybe it lasts one night. I can't do anything about forever. All I can do is right now and here. I can call her on the phone we can talk today. Maybe she'll  change in ten years, but good lord ten years will come on its own and I will deal with it as it arrives.

[Misha]

Oh I tire of the same conversations, the same arguments, the same unchanged minds, it goes round and round and round.

Well, yes. I would say that the three main topics on RW forums are:

1) age gaps
2) how much does it cost
3) how much should a man earn to "afford" a RW

These three topics certainly for much of the bandwidth.

Other top topics:

1) Is she a scammer?
2) train wrecks galore

These 5 genres would certainly account IMHO for more than half of all threads and posts

[I/O]

Why on earth did you ever get started with it in the first place????? You are looking at dating sites.

No, I was in an airport in Moscow (DME to be precise) with several hours to kill waiting for the midnight horror flight to Irkutsk. The second hottest woman I know was working in the then Siberian Airlines ticket area. Of course my ticket needed checking……….several times. That ultimately, through a very twisted series of events over a few years, in part lead to my meeting my now wife.

Why? It’s one thing to pick roses with the blush still on, it’s another thing to have them (one) handed to you.

Why not? Get real. Once a guy is hooked, he ain’t ditching.

Can someone ring the bell when this thread reaches the mandatory 10 pages?

[Misha]

Would a young women rather be with ...

This assumes that she is limiting herself only one man Put the wrong woman in a bad marriage and she may be with the one man for the money, another for "emotional" or "intellectual" reasons and yet another for carnal pleasures 

[Mir]

Cause those who look in FSU are not in their teens and twenties.
And cause the young girls are

But she was so sweet and interesting and cute...

And if they are legal and willing then no red blooded male can resist 

[RussianWind]

Would a young women rather be with an ugly 35 year old or a very attractive 45 year old?

No, a woman would prefer to be with an attractive 35 year old but unfortunately an attractive 35 year old writes to a 20 girl  

You'd better discuss what women should do to find a partner of the same age than to start this age gap nonesence again  

I once dared to answer that I didn't want a partner of an age of my father. My God, you would see how much he got furious