Woman: from friend to lover after some time?

[Lily]

Guys,

I have seen a similar question posted about whether a man has chances to transform into a lover, when he was once categorized as a friend by a woman?

How about a woman friend? Would you be able to regard her with some sexual undertones after you have been 'just friends' for, say, months or even years, if she started to make you signs of attraction?

What if a smart girl used to be mediocre looking but hired a stylist, a personal trainer and made herself beautifully looking, would you see her with different eyes?

[Ade]

Guys,

I have seen a similar question posted about whether a man has chances to transform into a lover, when he was once categorized as a friend by a woman?

How about a woman friend? Would you be able to regard her with some sexual undertones after you have been 'just friends' for, say, months or even years, if she started to make you signs of attraction?

What if a smart girl used to be mediocre looking but hired a stylist, a personal trainer and made herself beautifully looking, would you see her with different eyes?

I have a little experience in this but I think there's going to be no one answer that fits all situations because of the very many variables that can make drastic changes to the outcome.

My experience; I was friends with a neighbours daughter as we grew up. Actually, there were 3 daughters, all very good looking and very bright girls. The older sister and I had a date many years after they'd moved away - a movie - but after we'd got back to her place it fell a little flat in the dating sense; it was like thinking of being intimate with my sister. Very uncomfortable. So nothing happened and we remain friends to this day.

I think, if a couple really do start off as platonic friends with no physical attraction to each other it can be very difficult to get over the initial hurdle and transform the friendship into a fully intimate, physical relationship.

[Shadow]

It is not about seeing with other eyes, but about developing feelings beyond friendship. The looks are something which is portrayed in movies, and in reality will not have such an effect.
What can transform a long time friend in to a lover is a change in circumstances. A bond of friendship is different from a bond of love, in that because of some reason there is no 'tension' in it regarding sexual partners. This can be due to the personal circumstances of the people who become friends, or the circumstances under which they met.

I know of two couples who formed a friendship as penpals and to practice language skills, which eventually grew in to interest strong enough to be married. However that is the virtual world. Two people who are friends in the real world will need a change in the circumstances under which they became friends to change the nature of their relationship. Availability is one thing that could create the change.

[Rina_G]

What if a smart girl used to be mediocre looking but hired a stylist, a personal trainer and made herself beautifully looking, would you see her with different eyes?

as specialist I can say - man will looks at NEW girl by NEW eyes - don't doubt

[OmegaSupreme]

There is the whole "chemistry" issue, but with men, much of it does come down to physical attraction. If a woman is extremely overweight or otherwise physically unattractive, with most men there is no way that they will find them attractive unless alot of weight is lost, or somehow she is made to look more physically attractive. If that does happen, though, I doubt there are many men who would not give her a second chance.

However, there is also the issue of personality. Some people's personalities just do not mesh together well. If a woman has a spiteful or hateful attitude towards people or towards life in general, obviously that attitude would have to change. The same goes with a woman who is overbearing. I'm sure there could be attraction at a later point if those issues were fixed, but I think it's much more likely for a physically unattractive woman to become physically attractive than for someone with personality problems to get those fixed.

[Nat]

When I saw the topic, I thought: "Oh! Have I just met at least one man who can actually consider a single woman as a friend?" And that happened to be you, Lily! And you're no man for sure! 
If a woman is in the age which allows romantic relations and is single, she'll always be treated like a potential girlfriend, I guess. But I'm no man either so that's my girlish point of view 

[OmegaSupreme]

When I saw the topic, I thought: "Oh! Have I just met at least one man who can actually consider a single woman as a friend?" And that happened to be you, Lily! And you're no man for sure! 
If a woman is in the age which allows romantic relations and is single, she'll always be treated like a potential girlfriend, I guess. But I'm no man either so that's my girlish point of view 

To be honest, singles guys will almost always consider a single woman close to their age as a potential girlfirend within the first minute of meeting her. If he decides she is not physically attractive, though, that does not mean that they can't be friends. I am good friends with several single women without having explored a possible relationship with them. And no, I don't consider them all to be unattractive.

[SMS60]

Lily

I would think in your story the man never considered the woman a friend in the first place. What you are asking is hard to explain. Yes, he would want to make babies with her. Her "make over" just made his desires stronger.

My opinion is........A man can't be ''real friends" with a woman. You will have many who will not agree. A man with a strong sex drive and good amount of testosterone running thru his veins will always have a desire.

If a man is completely honest about his thoughts this would prove true.

[oldernotwiser]

Code: [Select]

My opinion is........A man can't be ''real friends" with a woman. You will have many who will not agree. A man with a strong sex drive and good amount of testosterone running thru his veins will always have a desire.

I guess I will be one of the many who will disagree, I do think you can be friends, and not have any sexual desire for that particular female friend.  Have several friends of this nature.  I think Lily's question is if you are in this type of relationship, can you see an attraction develop after you know them better, for me it is tough to imagine, but it is possible I suppose.

[Amerkanski]

Guys,

I have seen a similar question posted about whether a man has chances to transform into a lover, when he was once categorized as a friend by a woman?

How about a woman friend? Would you be able to regard her with some sexual undertones after you have been 'just friends' for, say, months or even years, if she started to make you signs of attraction?

What if a smart girl used to be mediocre looking but hired a stylist, a personal trainer and made herself beautifully looking, would you see her with different eyes?

Understanding this post would the man be single or married? If single, I can assure you women fall under three categories for men. The ones he is sleeping with, the one he wants to sleep with, or he's gay or wants to try and turn your male friends. Other then that, men can't be "just" friends with women because it is not in our nature.

[SANDRO43]

How about a woman friend? Would you be able to regard her with some sexual undertones after you have been 'just friends' for, say, months or even years, if she started to make you signs of attraction?

Personally, no. It happened to me once and to avoid embarrassment on both sides, I made myself scarce for some time until things 'quietened down' . Fortunately, she soon found a new BF, and our friendship returned to its previous routine .

I'd say it depends on the 'degree' of friendship: if a woman has become a sort of 'buddy', i.e. a person one sees often and spends a lot of time with, it means there is considerable personal compatibility which may eventually mature into a closer yet relationship, should mutual physical attraction also come into play. 

The opposite also happened to me. I had a very brief affair with an attractive divorcee - she was in a lull of her long-standing relationship with another man - and she became a friend afterwards for some 15 years, until she eventually remarried. She is a biologist at our Cancer Institute in Milan - now its Deputy Scientific Director - and I'd invite her out to dinner a few times every year also to hear her discuss her work: we're both Aquarians, so mutual intellectual stimulation became a more significant aspect than sex in our friendship - in the meantime, we were also fishing in other ponds, so the transition was smooth .

What if a smart girl used to be mediocre looking but hired a stylist, a personal trainer and made herself beautifully looking, would you see her with different eyes?

Duckling to swan? Hypothetical, never happened to witness that so any answer would be purely speculative.

Other then that, men can't be "just" friends with women because it is not in out nature.

Another gross generalisation of yours, I have several women friends that I never thought of bedding - if physical attraction had been there in the first place, we'd not be friends now. I consider the case I cited above an exception.

[Shadow]

Understanding this post would the man be single or married? If single, I can assure you women fall under three categories for men. The ones he is sleeping with, the one he wants to sleep with, or he's gay or wants to try and turn your male friends. Other then that, men can't be "just" friends with women because it is not in out nature.

Sorry to disappoint you, but even as single men I had a number of female friends, some who were very attractive and had 'high mileage'.  But I guess I am not a typical male  

[Mars]

SMS60:  "My opinion is........A man can't be ''real friends" with a woman. You will have many who will not agree. A man with a strong sex drive and good amount of testosterone running thru his veins will always have a desire."

oldernotwiser: "I do think you can be friends, and not have any sexual desire for that particular female friend.  Have several friends of this nature."

Lily, what you can see from the above two men is something that applies to virtually every thread here concerning men-women relationships.  That is the extreme differences in testosterone levels from man to man.  There is a very good reason why the words of many men who post here sound like the words of women.

I will side with SMS60 and say that any 'normal' man looks at every woman within his acceptable age range as a potential sex partner . . .  at least initially.  After this first look, he then starts to become more rational and thinks about what it would be like to get started in the sexual foreplay with her, etc.  In thinking about that he quickly realizes that he really could not follow through with the foreplay because of something about the woman. 

The something that stops him could be her physical looks, the way she acts, talks, who she is currently attached to, how she is related to his boss, his close friends, what is their work relationship, etc.

As others have mentioned, when that 'something' that initially stopped him is changed, then he will move her back to the category of potential sex partner.

But, this only applies to normal men with normal levels of testosterone.

[Amerkanski]

Another gross generalisation of yours, I have several women friends that I never thought of bedding - if physical attraction had been there in the first place, we'd not be friends now.

There is a huge difference with being "friendly" and friends. And if you re-read your reply you actually prove my point.

[Amerkanski]

Sorry to disappoint you, but even as single men I had a number of female friends, some who were very attractive and had 'high mileage'.  But I guess I am not a typical male  

Oh I have no doubt you are a sensitive and trendy guy and why you closely follow all my posts.

[SMS60]

The opinions are determined of how people label a friend. What is a friend?

My take

Most of my friends are people who I hang out with and can talk about life in general.........go to concerts, bar hopping, watching sports events, go on fishing trips, golfing, ask favors, help me with projects, seek advice.....and on and on.........................If this friend was a woman she just as well be my "girl friend" because this is what you do with your girlfriend or wife and I would be wanting to bone her.

[dogspot]

Personally, no. It happened to me once and to avoid embarrassment on both sides, I made myself scarce for some time until things 'quietened down' . Fortunately, she soon found a new BF, and our friendship returned to its previous routine .

I had a similar experience. I have a group of friends whom have been best friends since 10th or 11th grade: 3 guys and a woman (a very attractive woman). One guy and the woman live in the same city in Northern Cal.  Shortly after my divorce, I went to visit these friends to get my mind off of my issues back home. I stayed a few days at the home of my guy friend and one night at the home of my lady friend. She was in a bit of a funk herself, having recently split from her boyfriend. On the evening that I stayed with her, she opened up and confessed to me that she has had a secret crush on me since we were children and that she would be lucky to have a guy like me. She didn’t go as far as to say that she wanted to be with me then and there, but I was somewhat disturbed by this confession.

After returning home I halted all correspondence for 6 months or so until both of us found stability in our lives. It has now been 6 years, she is married (to a great man who I also consider a friend), and she is still as good a friend as she ever was.

I have always considered this friend to be more like a sister than a friend. She is attractive but that was never a reason why we were friends in the first place, nor was it reason enough to pursue anything beyond our close friendship. I don’t believe what one poster wrote about single guys always considering a relationship with attractive women when they meet.

[BillyB]

What if a smart girl used to be mediocre looking but hired a stylist, a personal trainer and made herself beautifully looking, would you see her with different eyes?

If I had a female friend who started to look better around me, I would look at her with different eyes. If she was giving me signals she wanted me to be her lover, I'm not sure I could resist. If I became her lover, I still may not consider her a woman I would want to spend my life with though.

[Jooky]

From friend to lover? Easy. From friend to a serious relationship, not so easy.

I think most guys wouldn't turn down a friend to lover situation unless:

- The woman is hideous.
- They are taken.
- They don't want to deal with the consequences of the woman wanting a relationship and not just sex.

This thread reminds me of something back in my graduate school days. School was like two full time jobs back to back. We practically lived in the studio surrounded by a small group of peers, sometimes not leaving the building for several days. The first few weeks of the semester my friend and I commented on how there were zero attractive girls in our group. As time went on, these were practically the only girls we'd see. By the end of the semester though, a few of them were starting to look pretty hot. My friend called it being 'stuck on an island'. As you limit your choices you adapt and find something appealing in the choices that you have.

[oldernotwiser]

Quoting Mars

SMS60:  "My opinion is........A man can't be ''real friends" with a woman. You will have many who will not agree. A man with a strong sex drive and good amount of testosterone running thru his veins will always have a desire."

oldernotwiser: "I do think you can be friends, and not have any sexual desire for that particular female friend.  Have several friends of this nature."

Lily, what you can see from the above two men is something that applies to virtually every thread here concerning men-women relationships.  That is the extreme differences in testosterone levels from man to man.  There is a very good reason why the words of many men who post here sound like the words of women.

I will side with SMS60 and say that any 'normal' man looks at every woman within his acceptable age range as a potential sex partner . . .  at least initially.  After this first look, he then starts to become more rational and thinks about what it would be like to get started in the sexual foreplay with her, etc.  In thinking about that he quickly realizes that he really could not follow through with the foreplay because of something about the woman.  

The something that stops him could be her physical looks, the way she acts, talks, who she is currently attached to, how she is related to his boss, his close friends, what is their work relationship, etc.

As others have mentioned, when that 'something' that initially stopped him is changed, then he will move her back to the category of potential sex partner.

But, this only applies to normal men with normal levels of testosterone.

Lily  
There are men who will bonk anything that walks.  There are men with normal levels of testosterone who are more attracted to other men than they are to women, and most of the men here are going to reflect their intelligence,  wit and personality in their postings, not their level of testosterone.

[Shostakovich]

Guys,

I have seen a similar question posted about whether a man has chances to transform into a lover, when he was once categorized as a friend by a woman?

How about a woman friend? Would you be able to regard her with some sexual undertones after you have been 'just friends' for, say, months or even years, if she started to make you signs of attraction?

What if a smart girl used to be mediocre looking but hired a stylist, a personal trainer and made herself beautifully looking, would you see her with different eyes?

Hola Lilly,

First off I've never belonged to that camp which believes that men and women can't be friends.  I won't date a woman I am not attracted to, but after a few dates, if I see that there is nothing more than attraction in play the girl goes irretrievably into the friend bucket - Personality dynamics beyond the chemical attraction won't support a long standing relationship.

Many girls are not datable.  In the US, to characterize it uncharitably, I see a lot of porkers without much style.  There is no way - I'd die a virgin if those were my only options.  If I see them in an elevator or a place where I can examine them discretely I play the makeover game.  Some people just are not pretty but there is certainly fixer-upper potential in some of those gals.  I am just as choosy about appearance as I am about personality and so if an undateable girl becomes a friend, it means there is some resonance on the level of personality so, theoretically, there is a potential for a promotion.  It has never happened though - I suspect the reason is that a lady who would interest me would never let herself go.  Also, I'll never enter an association on the promise of change.  It is not the diamond in the rough that I look for, though it is true also that a cut diamond costs more. 

[point]

I think its possible to have men as friends. Several options-
I know about him too much to have a serious relationship, or he is  interesting person, but there  no chemistry or some  habit or particular character that ok to friend, but not good for boyfriend.

[Seeker]

What if a man and a woman become friends, but due to the situation at the time anything more would not be appropriate?  If that "situation" were to change, I can see friendship being the perfect catalyst to create love.

[DaveY]

This topic reminds me of the movie "When Harry met Sally."

It's a risky proposition,to be sure. The reward is great, but you risk screwing up a good friendship. Sure, you can still remain friends if it doesn't work out, but don't fool yourself, it will never be the same as before.

You can also have a very passive man, who chooses to form a friendship first and from there move on to the next step of intimacy. Or, he might not initiate the next step at all, content in the safety of worshiping from afar.

[ECOCKS]

As many are saying, it can be done but it really doesn't seem too common.