The 10 Commandments---Age Difference

[vwrw]

Turbo, my comment up thread was not designed to minimise the possability, it was to point out that contrary to what many seem to think, not every second woman in the FSU is going to accept a large age gap or even consider being involved in such a relationship. The fact is (Go walk any street in any Russian city at any time to verify), a few are involved in such relationships but on a % basis the number doesn't add up to a round of drinks.

I agree with you that not every second woman in the FSU is going to accept a large age gap or even consider being involved in such a relationship. I also agree that on the streets you can see only a few who are involved in an age gap relationship. However, if you go to an expensive restaurant or night club, casino, or you are in the VIP rooms of airports, the % of couples with age difference increases significantly.

Moreover, even if a woman has been only in relationships with men of her age does not mean she has negative attitude toward a relationship with an older man.  Some women may have BFs of their age but then fall in love and marry an older guy. Vice versa is also plausible. Women may have BFs of older age but then fall in love and marry a young guy.

[Turboguy]

I think if age difference is going to make a difference in 98 percent of the cases it is before the relationship ever starts. 

That was the point that I was making when I said the above.  I am sure lots of women are not interested in an age gap relationship and in that case the relationship never starts.  Still there are people who are open to it.  I can recall when I was in the searching stage seeing profiles where the age they wanted was much younger than I was so I didn't respond.  On several occassions the women who I did not respond to because they stated they wanted a younger man than I was contacted me and expressed interest.   Maybe some people just don't know what they want.

My comment about life stages being bull amounts to this.  If I asked someone to name a couple of life stages issues that might come up some of the first they would think of is children and the man being near retirement age when the woman is starting her career.  As far as children, I don't see that as an age gap issue.  It can happen with couples the same age and it is the kind of thing you should discuss in depth before you have a serious committment.  Yes, woman may marry thinking they don't want children and sense their biological clock ticking and change their mind.  That can happen just as easily with two people who are the same age. 

As far as the retirement age man and the just getting started woman, I can visit the welfare office and see tons of people who decided to retire at 25.  Work was just too much work and bother.  My wife and I are in that situation and we both sort of like it.  If I ever do retire and she starts working then I get stuck with all the house stuff and she likes that idea.

Personally, I don't buy the life stages thing.  I think it is most often a failure to get to know someone before marrying them.  Break over, back to mowing grass.

[tim 360]

I think KenC's "life stages" does have some merit and would apply to some, yet not all relationships and marriages.  In regard to AM/FSUW marriages, which in many cases the couple does NOT have the needed time together before--getting married to be a major problem.  In this case few couples really get to spend even a years time together to really have enough facetime to be sure that the 20 year gap does indeed make a difference or little difference or no difference.  So it is a leap of faith but aren't all marriages today a leap.  That said and even under those courtship constraints...some large age gaps will work and some won't.  Some may devolve after a few years and some may continue for 10 years and suddenly crash and some will stick together just fine.  I think it is more the two people and their mutual commitment than aything else and the ability to compromise.

A big marriage-killer would be if later in the marriage she wants kids and he says "no thank you."  A woman may believe that at 25 she does not want to have a child and says so quite convincingly and she adamantly believes it ( the guy is fine with this) and yet years later at 38 or 42 she may very well decide she "must" have a child.  Or maybe 2 or 3.  The big thing is that people change and a girl at 25 will go through far more changes than the guy who is 20 years older.  In a sense the person one is;  at the moment of marriage,  will change over time and her partner may need to adjust.  Thats it, my 2 kopeks on this beaten to death topic :noidea:.

[KenC]

Turbo,
I, for one, wondered when you would chime in on this thread.  I was hoping that you were busy golfing or BBQing.  (Enjoying your time with your beautiful young wife)  I also hope that you and your wife defy the odds and live happily ever after.

However, my warm wishes for your future success cannot hide my disdain for your ever faulty "logic."  Even when my marriage was in full bloom, I warned others that it was an abberation and for them not to tempt fate as I had done.  I went into my age gap marriage with both eyes open and not with the closed mind you appear to have on the subject.  Simply put, there are additional risks added to the recipe when you marry a spouse with a significant difference to your age.

Just because success can be achieved, doesn't translate into that it will be achieved or even that it is likely.  You have a long long history here and on other forums for misleading readerships into believing that the near impossible is not only possible, but that it is more than likely.  We have witnessed men follow your positive thinking without regard to the logical outcome to their demise.  Your advice and lack of logic can and may have been a damaging factor to people's real lives.  Many whom are just looking for the flimsiest excuse to do something stupid.  You should be ashamed that you are guilty of being such an enabler to the members who come here seeking reaffirmation of bad decisions they are about to make.
KenC

[BillyB]

don't don't get seriously involved with any woman who isn't absolutely crazy about you.

I'm glad you finally understand this. I thought you didn't when you told me "Do you honestly think these girls are worried that you will dump them because they are too young?"

When we men go on a date, we try to dress to impress, groom ourselves better and put on our cleanest underwear. When a woman is "into you" she hopes that she is slim enough, beautiful enough and yes, even old enough if there is a significant age difference. If she's crazy about you, she will be looking for acceptance and be worried if you dump her for another.

Age has nothing to do with it. If a woman isn't "into you" you should not get involved with her. Too many guys go to the FSU and have not idea if the woman is "into him" or not no matter what the age difference is. Most men only care if they are "into her". We have too many guys telling newbies to jump on a plane for a photo he met online when the woman may not even give him her number let alone time of day.

Chances are an 18 yo woman being crazy about an 80 man is remote. The odds improve as the age difference diminishes. Dating sites clearly mention the ages women will approve of their partner. RW will approve larger age gaps compared to their Western counterparts. Even the minimum age difference of the man RW want is on average larger Than her Western sisters. I used to not believe the agency hype but after my experiences, some of it's true with a good portion of RW. Don't look at marriage agencies or international dating sites. Anybody could go compared an American and Russian based dating sites to see the difference. Not all RW wish to find a man around 5 years older than themselves.

It doesn't matter what age difference a couple is, most failed marriages happened to fail because somebody married too soon, was lazy, somebody was abusive, or somebody is stupid, or the marriage happened for insincere reasons on the woman's part or lust or lust on the man's or at least one person was not crazy about the other before the marriage. Any incompatiblities should've been recognized before marriage so many who married quickly to an incompatible person made a mistake. Blaming it on age is an excuse for their failure. Some marriages may happen because a woman feels she's got no other options. She may be a good woman but she may not be thrilled with the person she married if he's her plan B or C.

Man marriages that do start well in the beginning break up because one or both people doesn't work on improving it everyday. The strongest marriages last because they don't let anything from the inside such as financial crisis, cultural differences or incompatibilities or outside factors such as gossip or being seduced by others break them up.

I use to be against large age differences and discouraging others but after reading enough and dating enough I realize it is important to find a person that is "into you" and only then you got something to work with to build a relationship with that person no matter what the age or cultural cultural differences are. Most people who have problems with a multi cultural relationships are those that have little tolerances for differences or changes they have to make in their lives when living with a person from another culture. Guys like Seeker and I love different cultures once we experience it. If people have large age gaps and the man wants to sit home and woman wants to party every night, then age is not the problem, they don't want to adapt to each others lifestyle and married a person that is not compatible with themselves. They did not know who they married and lack of compatibility will be the problem when one is a home body and the other likes to party.

Most relationships that work and last forever get credit for being "age appropriate" It works because of the individual quality traits of those involved.

Most relationships fail have nothing to do with age. Most RW aren't dumb and they understand an older man will age faster than themselves so age wasn't an issue. Later they may learn their man is incompatible in various ways, have different goals, abusive, controlling, looking down at her because she's young, etc....

Compatibility, goals, and your partners character traits should be established before anyone proposes or accepts a marriage proposal. A person also needs to establish the other person's motives. Good or bad? It is risky to marry anyone with little face to face time. Many successful marriages here had a little luck factor involved when they selected their partner.

A guy will find less and less women willing to date a much older man as the age gap increases. If a RW is dating you, she's already accepted the age difference. It is foolish to question her about it or be uncomfortable when walking down the street with her. She will think poorly of you if you let others affect the way you think. The only thing a guy needs to learn is is she into him, compatible, have similar life goals, does she have good character traits or bad motives and he needs to understand if he himself is quality marriage material. If a guy fails to understand those things, most likely his marriage will fail whether he has a 20 year age gap or 4 year age gap.

I date any aged woman as long as she's appealing to me. If a guy targets only much younger women, he increases chance for failure is not because of an age difference. He will most likely fail because he's ruled out no other age of woman can make him happy, will be kissing the young lady's azz and not looking at the red flags caused by her poor behavior and/or fail to understand if they are walking the same path in life. Lust is usually his motive for targeting young women and lust doesn't do much for the success of a marriage.

The young ladies I communicate with or date want a family style life, serious relations and babies. If I'm targeting young party girls, I could have a bigger pool of ladies that I could invite to my home. Once I realize any young lady is focused on only themself and going to parties, I dump her simply because they are on a different path than I.

[BC]

Want the 12 commandments of Age Difference?

1. Men who explicitly seek RW are nuts
2. RW who explicitly seek WM are nuts
3. Statistics do not encompass nutty behavior, polls by nutty men and women provide only nutty results.
4. A woman much younger is appealing to older men, those that can afford will usually find, somewhere
5. An older man is not that appealing to younger women, but will do in a pinch
6. The length of an age disparate marriage is by nature inversely proportional to the age difference
7. When it comes to age differences, you're fooling yourself (both men and women)
8. You're gonna get what you pray for but you may end up not liking it, or be able to keep up
9. What starts really easy, will end up really tough
10. Asking about age differences is only for those seeking justification
11. Responding about age differences absolutely futile
12. We'd all be better off talking about the the pro's and con's of the hole in a doughnut.

[KenC]

Billy,
Very good post.  However, I do not think you make any allowance for people changing over time.  All people are in a constant form of evolution: learning from their experiences and finding new things of interest.  "Growing" as individuals.  Sometimes there is a common bond in this growth, joint parenting is a good example.  But sometimes the growth is not in similar directions.  This growth or evolution causes change.  People change over time.  Sometimes what we hold important years ago is not relevant or the least bit important to us today.  Our priorities can and often change.

When two people marry their goals and priorities are usually the same or similar.  They make the decision based on what they are at that time with an eye on what may come in the future.  But people are not infallible.  They can make miscalculations as to how they or their spouse might change in the future.  They may think they can handle a change like aging or illness or economic down turn, but they never really know for sure until they experience it.

I am of the opinion that the larger the age or life stage difference, the greater chance of the couple evolving in different directions.  When I met my ex, she was adamant that she did not want children.  She had good reasons which I will not get into here.  I believe that she was sincere.  I was also wise enough to understand that she might change her mind at a later date.  Her "miscalculation" was that she thought she would never change her decision, but did.  My "miscalculation" was that I never thought that she would take 10 years to change her mind.  I also "miscalculated" that my health would be an issue in only 10 years.  So even though I preferred not to have any more children, I could have been convinced earlier in the marriage, I was more unbendable later.  She changed and so did I.
KenC

[Turboguy]

Turbo,
I, for one, wondered when you would chime in on this thread.  I was hoping that you were busy golfing or BBQing.  (Enjoying your time with your beautiful young wife)  I also hope that you and your wife defy the odds and live happily ever after.

Sorry Ken,  My golf clubs have been in the attic since my wife's arrival.   Ken, just because I disagree with some of the logic and reasons people think will spell disaster for an age gap relationship does not mean that I recommend age gap relationships for everyone or anyone.   There are risks and I think most will be happier with someone close to their age. 

[BillyB]

I do not think you make any allowance for people changing over time.  

They can make miscalculations as to how they or their spouse might change in the future.  They may think they can handle a change like aging or illness or economic down turn, but they never really know for sure until they experience it.

Yes, people change over time and that is something none of us can predict in our spouse or future spouse. With younger people, they are more likely to change so there is risk marrying a younger person in that sense. As a matter of fact, I've heard RW and their families tell me the same thing and that is why some RW prefer older men in the sense they will not change. If a man is the head of the household, it's especially important to a RW that he doesn't change and send the family and relationship on a roller coaster ride.

I just don't like hearing that "age" is to blame excuse when a marriage with a large age difference fails. In this thread I've read that people heard from a network of friends derogatory jokes on their old man husbands yet nobody seems to mention any pertaining to age. Did anybody actually hear those jokes or are we making things up? In my second post in this thread I mentioned what RW have said about their friend's problems in their marriages and it has nothing to do with age. Just the same kind of problems most failing marriages go through.

Personal accountability is important and a more responsible excuse for a failed marriage involving large age gaps as well as normal age gaps. For example. I may have failed to judge the maturity level of my spouse and I felt she was a spoiled rotten child. I may have failed to judge her life goals as being aligned with mine so we grew apart. I failed to judge her intelligence and I ended up looking down at her as being stupid. I deceived her and went to the disco/club, and bars with her every other night when we were dating but I really wanted her to sit at home with me after marriage. A woman can fail to understand her husband before marriage too but it's important for everyone involved to accept personal responsibility for any failed marriage. With enough face to face time, we will learn a lot and we can judge if a potential spouse is a party animal, abuses drugs and alcohol, if they or us can't handle language barriers and cultural differences or they are physically or mentally abusive.

If we see potential problems with a person, we should not get married to that person yet people can't speak to each other are getting married, people look down at a culture and how people behave, yet marry a person from that culture, some women marry a man that intoxicates himself all the time and wonder why he's so unpredictable and violent, one man likes to sit home but marries a party girl. These things shouldn't be happening regardless of age. Too many guys going to the FSU and the beauty of a woman is the main factor and sometimes only factor they are wanting to marry them. They look for every reason to marry a woman and ignore the reasons right in front of their eyes not to marry them.

It's our responsibility to figure out who we are dating and it's our dates responsibility to figure us out.

With my ex wife, she didn't want a divorce but I would feel miserable with her if I stayed in the marriage. I accept some responsibility because I knew she behaved in ways I didn't like before marriage but I went ahead with it anyway.

I could have married my ex fiancee if I lived in Uzbekistan. She was a fine woman and I'm sure I'd be happy with her but I got kids from a previous marriage so I knew I'd be unhappy being away from them so I did not proceed with marriage. I'm getting wiser as I get older.

There's a few RW I could get married to now but I recognize some major differences between us that may affect us in the future withing a long term relationship. For example, one RW has much different political beliefs than I. We like being together but I know someday I may lose respect for her or she will lose respect for me and once respect is lost, so is the love.

Getting married is actually easy, getting it right is the hard part.

As you mention Ken, people change and that is beyond our control but even if people change, some are strong enough that they will continue to make their marriage work even if they have to adjust their selfish wants. Their wedding vows do mean something to them and if their spouse has issues, hopefully the spouse will take corrective measures to stregthen the marriage. Maybe it's not a bad idea for married people to have their wedding vows printed out, framed, and put on a wall to remind themselves of what they said. Here are some wedding vows in the link below and if one reminds himself/herself everyday of their promise, then life within marriage would be smoother. I can imagine many married people are violating their vows every day.

http://weddings.about.com/cs/bridesandgrooms/a/vowwording.htm

[I/O]

does not mean that I recommend age gap relationships for everyone or anyone.   There are risks and I think most will be happier with someone close to their age.

:whirling: Turbo: That said a few more times (From you) in these threads would gain considerably more respect from those of us who caution on this subject. Your words here prove KenC's point, people do change over time. Nobody is saying don't do it. The point is, proceed with caution and don't expect the masses of FSU women to be interested in a guy twice her age. BTW, to both of you, I also extend good wishes for your continued happiness.

I agree with you that not every second woman in the FSU is going to accept a large age gap or even consider being involved in such a relationship. I also agree that on the streets you can see only a few who are involved in an age gap relationship. However, if you go to an expensive restaurant or night club, casino, or you are in the VIP rooms of airports, the % of couples with age difference increases significantly.

Trophy rooms. Yes of course and the percentage of population inhabiting such is .000000000howmany%? Furthermore, again, the foreign punter isn't working those trophy rooms in search of a wife.

Moreover, even if a woman has been only in relationships with men of her age does not mean she has negative attitude toward a relationship with an older man.  Some women may have BFs of their age but then fall in love and marry an older guy. Vice versa is also plausible. Women may have BFs of older age but then fall in love and marry a young guy.

Anything is possible. Is it practical and will it last are the questions.

A little personal story on this subject. Mrs I/O and I (among others) were in Russia during 2009 (approximately 2 years into marriage) and attended her sisters wedding. After the wedding and celebrations, the Bride, Groom and about 20 (It grew to 30 by day 2) adjourned to a rented house (12 bedrooms, Banya etc newly constructed for the purpose) about 20 KMS from Omsk city. Basically it is a "Country Retreat" with everything and sundry laid on. What a hoot, we partied, played up like second hand lawn mowers and whatever for 3 days straight.

I was (Until day 3 when a few of the older ones started to arrive and join in) probably the oldest in the group by some distance at 43. Mrs I/O (and her sisters) friends were there aplenty, most of them in their mid 20's. It really was interesting to watch their observations of me both at the wedding celebrations and after. Whilst I had met many of them prior, there hadn't been the opportunity to speak to any of them at length (Time and language). Surprise, surprise, I was invited to and did speak at some length during the celebrations proper. At the retreat house, I tended to sit quietly (Between cupfuls of Vodka, go figure) reading a paper or book for a good part of the time (It was in part my holiday after all). During this time and various interactions, one by one, both men and women but particularly the women, came to spend time talking to me. All, without exception remarked along these lines. "Now I understand you two, you have a really strong relationship, you are both lucky to find each other, I couldn't understand it before now, I am really glad for you both, you're a good man".

What wasn't said in those phrases was the most significant IMO. Clearly they were suspicious of an older man, they were suspicious if this could really be genuine, they were suspicious if an older guy would marry a younger woman for the right reasons and vv. It took until they could see us at length in various situations before they could be convinced. It was also clear it had been the subject of considerable social discussion. All of that added up to it being far more abnormal than normal.

[GregfromGa]

This is all I know. There will certainly be enough culture obstacles to overcome with marriage to a woman from the FSU. Language and a big difference in age doesnt need to be two of them. Can people weather that storm? Of course they can. With that being said I would like to just point out that the sun shines on a dogs ass every now and then as well.

[vwrw]

Trophy rooms. Yes of course and the percentage of population inhabiting such is .000000000howmany%? Furthermore, again, the foreign punter isn't working those trophy rooms in search of a wife.

I/O, my belief that there are more women who can get involved in an age gap relationship than a naked eye can see looking on streets is based on my 8 years observation of how easy it was for the wealthy co-owners in the company where  I worked to hook young hot women. If the majority of women were so rejecting of age gap relationships, then the co-owners could not replace their “trophies” so often.  So my theory is that we do not see many age gap relationships not because there are only a few women that can accept it, but because there are only a few men who can or qualify to date younger women.

What wasn't said in those phrases was the most significant IMO. Clearly they were suspicious of an older man, they were suspicious if this could really be genuine, they were suspicious if an older guy would marry a younger woman for the right reasons and vv. It took until they could see us at length in various situations before they could be convinced.

Believe me if you and your wife were of the same age, her relatives still would be suspicious if you married your wife for the right reasons. It is Russian nature to distrust people until they prove that they are trustworthy.  If I were not so lazy typist, I would tell you hundreds examples where relatives on both sides of a newly created marriage were suspicious if the newlyweds have entered the marriage in a good faith and what they have between them is really genuine.

[I/O]

wealthy co-owners in the company where  I worked to hook young hot women.

We can keep exampling micro subsets forever, it doesn't make it normal or usual. My observations suggest the majority of foreign punters are far from "wealthy", at least by Russian standards.

So my theory is that we do not see many age gap relationships not because there are only a few women that can accept it, but because there are only a few men who can or qualify to date younger women.

Firstly, it is , I agree, theory and, if it were fact, then the result is the same anyway, foreign punters aren't going to access this class of women because they can't or don't qualify (not sure why they'd want to anyway). Either way, wasted effort trying to infer it is normal or easily achievable. This was and is my overall point, don't go chasing age gaps on the basis it is easily achievable.

Believe me if you and your wife were of the same age, her relatives still would be suspicious if you married your wife for the right reasons. It is Russian nature to distrust people until they prove that they are trustworthy.

I am well aware of Russian suspicion, I know Russians well enough to know where the angle was in these conversations. Part of the angle was "foreign" but by far the greater parts was "age". No question in my mind about that and in several cases it was mentioned.

VWRW, You, Ray, Anna and I stepped way outside the bounds of normality on several levels to establish the marriages we now have. It is nothing to be ashamed of and continually pressing the advantages or normality of such relationships only suggests discomfort. I, as I am sure you are, am very comfortable in this ridiculous state I find myself but that doesn't mean we should hold these types of marriages up as the "Template Design". To do so is irresponsible IMO.

[KenC]

VWRW, You, Ray, Anna and I stepped way outside the bounds of normality on several levels to establish the marriages we now have. I it is nothing to be ashamed of and continually pressing the advantages or normality of such relationships only suggests discomfort. I, as I am sure you are, am very comfortable in this ridiculous state I find myself but that doesn't mean we should hold these types of marriages up as the "Template Design". To do so is irresponsible IMO.

Well said.

[BillyB]

It is nothing to be ashamed of and continually pressing the advantages or normality of such relationships only suggests discomfort. I, as I am sure you are, am very comfortable in this ridiculous state I find myself but that doesn't mean we should hold these types of marriages up as the "Template Design". To do so is irresponsible IMO.

I don't see people boasting their big age gap marriage or promoting it. If you want to tell everybody here what works in your marriage, that's a good thing and at the end of the day, whatever is working in your marriage probably works in a marriage with less of an age gap. Whatever is working for you that makes you and your wife happy, every year age becomes less of an issue.

Most problems with large age gap relationships are because many men change the rules on what qualifies as "wife" material. They see a young beautiful woman and all brains goes out the window. They won't evaluate a young lady's behavior, maturity level, goals and motives when dating him as much as he would a woman closer to his age.

I once asked an older man who was married to many younger women why he does it and he told me although his marriage lasts only a few years, he doesn't mind rotating out the old women for newer models. The guy was definitely not marriage material due to his mentality and he would continue to have failed marriages even if he married closer to his age.

If a 60 yo guy wants to write a 1000 young ladies and happens to find one that is sincerely "into him" and he is a good quality man, then a marriage can work if they both are "into" each other. Chances are he won't find that woman and instead find insincere women with insincere motives to marry and in the end we'll all(except me) blame it on age gap when their marriage implodes.

If an older man thinks he has what it takes and the complete package to successfully get hooked up with young ladies, then that's his decision and he very well may be successful in a relationship with younger women. Most older guys do not have what it takes and if they only focus on young women, that again is their own decision and they will be lonely for a long time coming.

Any guy who comes here asking about if they have a shot at a marriage involving a big age difference needs to first take a look at himself in the mirror. Until we fully understand the man who posts the question, we'll never know the answer to his question.

[pitbull]

Most problems with large age gap relationships are because many men change the rules on what qualifies as "wife" material. They see a young beautiful woman and all brains goes out the window. They won't evaluate a young lady's behavior, maturity level, goals and motives when dating him as much as he would a woman closer to his age.

Billy,

I think you have it backwards. Most problems with age gap marriages are because at some point (some earlier, some later) older men do not qualify as husband material any more. They start to become a liability, a vivid picture of a not so distant future of "younger wife pushing him in a wheelchair". 99% of those failed age gap marriages a man would be happy to stay with his wife, its the young wife who dumps the husband.

I believe that the "life stages" theory as it pertains to fundamental fairness is the key. The older man should understand that if at 50 he is done with partying, establishing a career and raising children, his 20-something wife hasn't done this yet. And its fundamentally unfair to expect her to "skip" these important stages and fit his own "easing into retirement" life stage. He has to be ready to leap back into the "diapers and sleepless nights" stage in order for her to have this in her life. And its a rather sad situation for a woman when in 10-15 years of trying to mold into the old husband's life stage she finally leaves - with essentially 10-15 years of wasted youth and nothing to show for it.

[Gator]

How did I miss this discussion? 

I see that KenC is participating.  He knows best.

[BillyB]

 Most problems with age gap marriages are because at some point (some earlier, some later) older men do not qualify as husband material any more. They start to become a liability, a vivid picture of a not so distant future of "younger wife pushing him in a wheelchair". 99% of those failed age gap marriages a man would be happy to stay with his wife, its the young wife who dumps the husband.

If a wife gets in a car accident and she has to sit in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down and need to have her diapers changed, does it mean she's not wife material anymore?

If a wife spends all her life taking care of her husband well yet she goes into a wheelchair first, does she deserves to be dumped?

If a husband takes good care of his wife all his life and goes into a wheelchair first, does he deserve to be dumped?

People earn their love over time and just because they go into a wheelchair doesn't mean they are automatically worthless.

If a person leaves their spouse because of an illness or disability, then they never truly loved their spouse unconditionally and of course the other wedding vows to love each other forever are only words.

Pitbull, most sincere women would stay by their husband through thick and thin, especially if he's a good man. Maybe some of those women have exceptional character. Maybe some of those women know their weaknesses but because they answer to a higher calling, it gives them strength to stand by their weaken man until his dying days. Who can't fault a woman like that? We certainly can fault a woman who can't keep her word.

If a woman leaves a good husband she willingly married simply because he has failing health, she has more character issues to address than her husband.

If a woman leaves an abusive husband after he goes into the wheelchair and he isn't the provider he once was, then that failed marriage has nothing to do with age difference. He simple was a bad man to begin with and his recent lack of ability to provide for the woman is the straw that broke the camel's back.

All I know is if a RW is dating me, she's already accepted many things about myself and I don't need to ask questions. Pitbull, if you dated a man and he asked you if the age difference was appropriate, if the height difference was appropriate, if his belly and bald spot was appropriate, what would you think of him? If you are already going out with him, all he needs to figure out are your motives, goals, compatibility issues, and if you're wife material if he is even looking for a wife.

[Daveman]

If a wife gets in a car accident and she has to sit in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down and need to have her diapers changed, does it mean she's not wife material anymore?

If a wife spends all her life taking care of her husband well yet she goes into a wheelchair first, does she deserves to be dumped?

Only if she becomes fat... ain't that how this works? 

[BillyB]

Only if she becomes fat... ain't that how this works?  

lol, that's a good one Dave and true in a lot of cases.

There's two kinds of fat. One, a lady gets fat due to having lots of kids and/or her body naturally retains fat from foods more than the average person. The other kind of fat is where a woman lets herself go physically on purpose and it's due to mental issues. The latter kind of fat is difficult to put up with. It's no different than when a man lets himself go neglecting his body and personal hygiene. His wife may want to divorce him since she never intended to marry a pig.

[pitbull]

If a wife gets in a car accident and she has to sit in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down and need to have her diapers changed, does it mean she's not wife material anymore?

Billy,

Unfortunately, very few men would stick with changing the wife's diapers for years. Women are way more likely to stay and take care of the husband in these situations.

Don't forget, we are talking about large age gap marriages here. A 20-year old woman marrying a 45-year old man may sincerely think she doesn't want kids and has no understanding of the fact that the most valuable thing you can give anyone is time. A 45-year old man marrying a woman his daughter's age should be wise enough to understand that she will change and most probably at 30 will want things in her life that are natural for a woman to have. And if we are talking about "unconditional" love he has to make sure he provides her with these things or natural "stages" of life that he has already had. If he only wants her in his life on his own condition, then he deservs to be dumped. No worse fool than an old fool.

My point is that the woman is the real loser in this situation. The man can get a new "RW candy". For him having a "hot young body" by his side for several years is a frill. On the other hand, no one will give her the wasted youth and time back.

[KenC]

Billy,
The world is not as simplistic as you portray it in your examples.  There usually is not one traumatic accident that leaves a man (or woman) in a wheelchair.  It just isn't as black & white as that.  Pitbull is much closer to reality with her post IMO.

People's positions and priorities change over time.  A little bit at a time usually.  Or there are events that change their outlook on life.  Near death experiences, change in health status, new career opportunities, children, obtaining a different status via graduation.....the list can go on and on.  People make a decision to marry based on their current beliefs and a careful analysis of what the future MIGHT bring.  However, no one can truly predict the future and how life's changes will change them.

Your concept of honoring the wedding vows unconditionally in case of an illness or disability is rather finite.  Why shouldn't the vows be honored under any condition?  Why is there ANY divorces?  It is very judgemental to say they should be honored in this case and not in others.  We all think we know how we would react if (insert any life change you want) but we truly do not know until we are faced with it.  When couples have a big disparity in age, their life changes are on a much different time table than their spouse.  The more in line this time table is, the less chance for there to be conflicts.

One last point I would like to make to you.  Do you think a man wants an unhappy wife whom is just fulfilling her vows?  Personally, I would prefer to be alone.
KenC

[KenC]

My point is that the woman is the real loser in this situation. The man can get a new "RW candy". For him having a "hot young body" by his side for several years is a frill. On the other hand, no one will give her the wasted youth and time back.

Pitbull,
Oh how I do disagree with this portion of your post!

You're assuming that the man was insincere and the woman was not.  You're also assuming that the motivation of the man was her hot young body.  Why is the time spent in the marriage any more valuable to the young woman than the older man? In fact, if you look at it as time left to live, the time was much more valuable to him. Using your faulty logic, why can't the young woman just find an age appropriate new man?

Sorry, but the REAL loser is the party that was still in love.
KenC

[I/O]

If you want to tell everybody here what works in your marriage, that's a good thing and at the end of the day, whatever is working in your marriage probably works in a marriage with less of an age gap. Whatever is working for you that makes you and your wife happy, every year age becomes less of an issue.

Actually, the only thing I have tried to "tell" anyone in this thread is age gaps are not as accepted among RW as some would like and others would like to have you believe. I've presented some evidence to support the view whereas anything else I have seen amounts to theory and speculation.

I don't see people boasting their big age gap marriage or promoting it.

I disagree.

[Ade]

Billy, there's some sense being talked here by Pit, I/O and Ken and life is never as simplistic as you're trying to make out.

My concern with my wife initially was that at 29 (when we first met), she wouldn't know herself well enough to be able to make these long term judgement calls. Sure, there's "only" 13 years between us but it's still a gap where the long term consequences should be considered.

Now, when you're talking of women in their early twenties, it's a whole other ballgame entirely; these women will almost never be able to comprehend, emotionally at least, what it's going to be like 10 years down the road when they are in a 20+ year age disparate relationship. You cannot blame a woman for swearing blind that at 20 she will always think one way when in fact, you know that will never be the case. If, as a mature adult, you chose to blind yourself to this reality you only have yourself to blame for the outcome. You can call her rotten for not "honouring her vows" as much as you like, but that won't help in the slightest when you're old and alone.