Bad consequences of taking someone "home"?

[Walerian]

Correct me if I´m wrong but I get the impression that most of you here wish to find someone special. A FSU girl which is different from most western ones and then you want to take her home to good ol England or USA or France etc right?

But.. I would imagine she is who she is largely because of where she grew up, lives and those she has spent her time with. What do you think happends when you take her out of the environment that created her? Those who have experience, what did happen?

I´m simply curious and a little afraid that it will change her and turn her into a western woman.

[JR]

Your fears are well grounded. My ex-wife of ten years quickly assimilated. People to tend to be effected by their surroundings. It's normal.

[SomeGuy]

This might be better asked IMO in the Married section.  
I think the real answer here is simply - it depends.  
Just like not all WW can be lumped into a single category, neither can FSUW.  Gold-diggers and various other negative traits exist virtually everywhere, regardless of location, although we might be able to argue certain traits may seem to occur in higher or lower percentages relatively speaking, which certainly can come into play when someone decides if looking in the FSU or anywhere outside someone's native country is an option for them or not.

There will be a level of change, and it's natural.  A simple example is in how she views 'owning' a house or apartment - outright (in most cases in the FSU) or with mortgage.  Views on healthcare, on insurance are some of the obvious others; savings may be another, of many.

Will she 'suddenly' develop some of the negative generalizations often aimed at WW, such as excessive materialism, upgrade-itis, 'excessive' feminism?  Maybe.  Or maybe these traits were there all along, but she had a limited way of expressing those desires, or they weren't noticed or were ignored beforehand?

Perceptions of different things will change over time and with exposure.  Some elements of culture shock will kick in, and may be small issues, based on logic or (usually) not, or bigger ones.  I think the chance of significantly large changes increases in general, the younger the person is, and possibly also inline with how much a person needs/desires to feel like they fit in; some people are obsessively so, regardless of nationality, and need the approval of others and place that above their own logic and decision making.  Hopefully you wind up with someone reasonably stable, and someone that makes her own decisions, and values your opinions over those that may be pushed via 'peer pressure' and random other opinions.

My wife has had some amount of culture shock, mostly around the relative fragility of mortgages, the prices of some things (insurance, healthcare, some foods), but she hasn't become a 'different person,' nor have her values done a 180* turnaround.  It's relatively early on, though, and we expect some level of changes to evolve over time.  

I'd be interested in hearing from those married 5+ years in particular; I have little doubt of normal changes of perception due to the new environment, but would expect a possibly wide range of answers as to how much 'she has changed' in significant ways.

[Walerian]

Interesting responses so far, keep em coming

You do have a point that this might have been better to put in the marriage section. Any Admin is welcome to transfer it there if they want to

[GQBlues]

But.. I would imagine she is who she is largely because of where she grew up, lives and those she has spent her time with. What do you think happends when you take her out of the environment that created her? Those who have experience, what did happen?

Younger, long-legged femmes do have an effect on men's longterm planning and foresight. They are mostly happy their ladies are 'different' than all the rest in the beginning but will/are also the first ones to be over-joyed when their ladies finally adjust and acclimate like all the rest. The sooner the better.

Strangely funny that, eh?

[Walerian]

Younger, long-legged femmes do have an effect on men's longterm planning and foresight. They are mostly happy their ladies are 'different' than all the rest in the beginning but will/are also the first ones to be over-joyed when their ladies finally adjust and acclimate like all the rest. The sooner the better.

Strangely funny that, eh?

No kidding.

Makes one wonder what it was all for 

[groovlstk]

I´m simply curious and a little afraid that it will change her and turn her into a western woman.

I don't really understand why this is a bad thing, if you marry an adult (who has conceivably built up their own value system) the changes will be a good thing. Someone who doesn't evolve in their new environment will be unhappy regardless of how well your relationship is otherwise going.

[GQBlues]

No kidding.

Makes one wonder what it was all for 

LOL. Well, all I can tell you is somehow men have a 6th sense knowing that the 'younger, prettier' ones have a higher propensity to adjust to new environments. That's why those women are the busiest in any of the dating sites and venues. Yeah, that's it!

[Gylden]

Most people will assimilate into their new surroundings. However at the same time retain some/most of their upbringing. What you end up with hopefully is the best of both worlds.

[Walerian]

I don't really understand why this is a bad thing, if you marry an adult (who has conceivably built up their own value system) the changes will be a good thing. Someone who doesn't evolve in their new environment will be unhappy regardless of how well your relationship is otherwise going.

But if you want them to become almost like a western woman, why not just find a western woman to begin with?

[rkintn]

I believe age would be a factor . Younger people adapt and change more easily ...  My 41 yr old wife of 5 years has
adapted to the different lifestyle but her disposition and morals are the same as from her up bringing and lifestyle she was
born and raised in ...
My 21 yr old stepdaughter on the other hand is completely Americanized !!!  
 

[Jumper]

I don't really understand why this is a bad thing, if you marry an adult (who has conceivably built up their own value system) the changes will be a good thing. Someone who doesn't evolve in their new environment will be unhappy regardless of how well your relationship is otherwise going.

that would also be my thoughts and experience.


as far as whats it all "for"
:lol:
good question!

Hey I've climbed mountains just because they were there.


ok- so perhaps expanding one's dating pool.. or any number of things which would not always equate to
looking to find a non western woman,or one that wouldn't become  a bit westernized?

Unless they felt there was a problem with men or women in their own  culture..

I do not find the basis of looking there ,to be  founded in some inherent "bad juju" in the west.
if so, it seems a false premise.

As example would the western man looking be flawed because he's from western culture?
(or is it just the women?  )

If he relocated to the FSU, would he *change* to be  a different man ?
or would he simply adapt somewhat to his new environment?


That seems in need of answer before assuming a RW assimilating to the west would be a "bad" thing?

[Turboguy]

My wife has been here 3 1/2 years.  I can't say she has changed a lot.  Perhaps there has been a small change in the clothes she wears.  I do think she would prefer to dress like she did in Russia but here where she is in school with gals who wear sweatshirts, jeans and sneakers she would feel a little out of place all dolled up.  She probably is still the best dressed and person in her school and probably takes more care with her appearance than the other ladies in her class but probably has scaled it back just a tad so she doesn't stick out like a sore thumb.

As far as anything else goes she is still the amazing and wonderful woman she was in Russia.

[SMS60]

But if you want them to become almost like a western woman, why not just find a western woman to begin with?

Because they cant

[GQBlues]

But if you want them to become almost like a western woman, why not just find a western woman to begin with?

...and do without those gawd-forsaking annoying superstitions? Are you kiddin' me?

Besides, how much fun is life without her having to ask you to repeat yourself at least 3 times, and do it very s-l-o-w-l-y, so she can better understand what you just said.

Yes, I also greatly miss having those subtitles blazing across the screen everytime we watch TV. Those were the good ol' days, man.

[Jumper]

But if you want them to become almost like a western woman, why not just find a western woman to begin with?

read your bolded part?

not that i'm personally looking for *different*!!
but to play devils advocate..
 *almost like * is not *the same as *

It *could*  be a lot more simple, it could be a search for a individual you connect with, regardless where they live.

It does not have to be a quest for the holy grail of great cultural traits?
but even if it is, those traits will not be completely washed away by locale?

would yours?


To perhaps help:

 In my experience/marriage she adapted quickly to western life..
To the daily things, to the diffrences in the way things operate between the cultures.
 
Yet I do not feel she lost any of the traits a western man would value specifically from the FSU regarding relationships,the  thoughts on family /marriage
some of those may not jive with your own ,some may be quite positive!
Regardless, those  , the ones that effect your relationship directly, ,are individual.
yes perhaps shaped by her upbringing and culture, but they are hers alone.
they are unlikely to change in my opinion.
it  shouldn't be a worry that she, an individual,  would adapt to her new life in normal ways.


Very unlikely, but if she ultimately became the *girl next door*, would  that really be such a bad thing?
considering by that point  in time you'd have found a very special person for you?
in these marriages, it should be no surprise that she becomes your wife, who just happens  have a different nationality. Her individual traits , or the dynamic in your relationship are quite  a bit more prevalent and incompassing than some initial stereotyped cultural nuiances.
I'm not saying they are not  a factor .some may remain,but it isn't the core of your relationship anyway.

 
 

 

[Jumper]

Because they cant

sure , stereotypes abound!! 

including those about RW.

[SomeGuy]

But if you want them to become almost like a western woman, why not just find a western woman to begin with?

Not all WW or FSUW (or ...) are the same, though; now we're stuck in the trap of generalizations.  
My FSU wife shares many of the better qualities and values that I have had in various good relationships with WW, as well as those I consider to be among my closer friends.  Of course, each has their own traits making each unique, but those WW in this case would not fit into the typical WW generalizations any more than my wife does.  The bigger issue really came down to percentages to a point - the traits and values I found most important in a relationship with long term success potential and no absolute showstoppers were not impossible to find in the US, but was a relatively low percentage.  While by no means was it 'easy' in the FSU, there was a noticeable increase in the number of at least those with potential for friendship and possibly more.  

To make it even simpler - if we ignore looks as much as possible, and we know that there simply are some people that aren't even close to a good match, in the US maybe was 10% or so for a chance of 'no immediate showstoppers' that i saw, for my important criteria, that would at least mean 'potential for real friendship, more TBD.'  Out of those, half would wind up with something major I or they considered a 'showstopper' after a relatively short period of time, but possibly remaining as friends or acquaintances.  Some more time, and the number becomes smaller, let's say 1%.  1 out of 100 women with potential on both sides after a reasonable amount of time together (months to years) for something that has real possibilities, not just 'to get married,' that's easy enough, but to stay married, to be happy together, etc.  You could (and some have) say I'm too choosy or selective, but the things really important to me aren't extreme and don't number in the tens or hundreds, they are simply what I know of myself, of others, of experience numbered in the hundreds, of good relationships, lots of mediocre ones, and one or two utterly bad ones.  

Now if we ignore the pay per letter and scam sites, the 10% estimate goes up to at least double, if not triple, at least on my immediate showstoppers.  The pool also has more fish in it.  The same might be said about looking throughout your entire country, to increase the number of candidates, and I would certainly suggest it as a possibility, but ironically, you may wind up with some good potentials, but wind up down the path of trying to each live in their separate place/state, and never resolve the question of 'who moves?' until it becomes a moot point.  Or you may get lucky.  Try it.

Regardless of the numbers, I can say that I found a higher percentage of people in the FSU that I at least considered to have true friendship potential, good character, compatible values, etc.  That doesn't mean anything is a foregone conclusion by any means, and there's a lot to 'distract' someone in the pursuit - using cultural differences as an excuse/blinders, lots of physically appealing women, some scammers of various types, but I'd say in a given period of time, I came across a much higher percentage of people that were of genuine interest to me, compared to within the US.  Of course, I might have found someone local on any given day, just as 'she' might have done the same, but instead, we found each other.

[Shadow]

When they change too much, trade them for a newer model.

[Walerian]

...and do without those gawd-forsaking annoying superstitions? Are you kiddin' me?

Besides, how much fun is life without her having to ask you to repeat yourself at least 3 times, and do it very s-l-o-w-l-y, so she can better understand what you just said.

Yes, I also greatly miss having those subtitles blazing across the screen everytime we watch TV. Those were the good ol' days, man.

*laughing* Yeah I´ve read about those superstitions. Sounds like fun I like the ones where you whisper thank you to the ghosts for watching out for your house while you are gone

Hey, no trashtaking the subtitles. It is good stuff. We´ve had those since we were small here in Sweden. How do you think a whole population learned english?

[Jumper]

Correct me if I´m wrong but I get the impression that most of you here wish to find someone special.

yeap.
see , it does not have to be so complex?

I'm just not convinced everyone is looking for a FSU stepford stereotype who will remain that way for eternity.
however, they may hope to someday rid the screen of subtitles..



I'll be a little bit serious for one second, notoriously hard for me to do.
You can find wonderful women on pretty much every corner of the earth.

To pretend they are all basically the same to me is  both accurate, and complete  sillyness.
Fundamental human needs are the same.Cultural differences can be immense and greatly effect the
dynamics of how  relationships  function,but you'd have to venture beyond the simple west/FSU to get
real  extreme differences.
 
*why* someone would look beyond their street ,their town, their state , or their culture country..
can have a million reasons.

For every why? question, would be a why not? answer.


If you find someone special in France instead of the Sweden,
would you worry that they might become sweden-nized? lol
maybe why they are special to you ,is the very nuances of cultural differences that effected their individuality?
might they lose those, if moving to Germany?   Italy? Canada? the USA?


I think you'd have to establish which cultural traits you feel are part of men looking in the FSU,
or the ones that might be tempting you personally to look..or cause you concern at their possible loss..
to determine what might or might not be lost in the transition...

[SomeGuy]

...and do without those gawd-forsaking annoying superstitions? Are you kiddin' me?

I still occasionally forget and leave an empty bottle on a table, but thankfully, we don't have the full belief of the full range of superstitions in our case.  The cold air one, though..

Besides, how much fun is life without her having to ask you to repeat yourself at least 3 times, and do it very s-l-o-w-l-y, so she can better understand what you just said.

Yes, I also greatly miss having those subtitles blazing across the screen everytime we watch TV. Those were the good ol' days, man.

lmao  There are definite advantages to having a common language fluency across partners.  We only rarely experience this one, but the subtitles..  I don't notice them at all except when occasionally they're done poorly and are blocking part of an important scene, but the pause button is always handy to explain something like various slang used.

[Walerian]

Very unlikely, but if she ultimately became the *girl next door*, would  that really be such a bad thing?
considering by that point  in time you'd have found a very special person for you?
in these marriages, it should be no surprise that she becomes your wife, who just happens  have a different nationality. Her individual traits , or the dynamic in your relationship are quite  a bit more prevalent and incompassing than some initial stereotyped cultural nuiances.
I'm not saying they are not  a factor .some may remain,but it isn't the core of your relationship anyway.

But if I´ve found someone, and let´s say I actually speak russian so we can communicate and I know who she is and I fall in love with her. Everyone changes with time, and that is hard to predict sure, but I fell in love with her for a reason. I don´t want her to be too different from that or atleast not evolve in a bad direction

The evolving in a bad direction goes for no matter where she is from. I´m just wondering if the chances are greater that she´ll change a lot more than she would if she were from the same western country as you are.

[mies]

But if I´ve found someone, and let´s say I actually speak russian so we can communicate and I know who she is and I fall in love with her. Everyone changes with time, and that is hard to predict sure, but I fell in love with her for a reason. I don´t want her to be too different from that or atleast not evolve in a bad direction

The evolving in a bad direction goes for no matter where she is from. I´m just wondering if the chances are greater that she´ll change a lot more than she would if she were from the same western country as you are.

You can always move to live to Russia, right?

also, just to make sure I understand what your question is, could you please give few examples of "bad consequences"?

Thank you.

[Jumper]

But if I´ve found someone, and let´s say I actually speak russian so we can communicate and I know who she is and I fall in love with her. Everyone changes with time, and that is hard to predict sure, but I fell in love with her for a reason. I don´t want her to be too different from that or atleast not evolve in a bad direction

The evolving in a bad direction goes for no matter where she is from. I´m just wondering if the chances are greater that she´ll change a lot more than she would if she were from the same western country as you are.

As you wrote ,there are no guarantees,
in fact if anything there is a guarantee of change.


So assuming you know both very well.
would a RW change more moving to Sweden
than a local Swedish woman over the same time period?

Probably.

Would she change *more* than a Swedish woman, in the traits that first attracted you to her
and that you fell in love with?

I would find that unlikely.



The truth?
its less likely you'd really know her well.
that by far a larger concern than whether she will fundamentally change more than a local woman.