Taking a "break" for a few days

[Kuna]

I feel uncomfortable reading this thread but not out of concern whether the relationship is about to end or not.  I'm uncomfortable because the OP seems to have lost perspective on the value of life, love and relationships. 

How old is the OP???  What life experience does he have?

It sounds like this might be a relationship he learns from... not the one he is best being in.

We all have them...  and when in those "learning relationships" we're much better off when outside of the relationship and using our new experiences on something much more fulfilling.

[scafidi454]

She and I talked earlier this morning (2:30a.m. my time 11:30a.m. Moscow), and we talked about some of what's been going on.


For anyone who has had to move from a relatively small city to a city like New York or Moscow without a real plan of where you will work or live, you may understand why she is so stressed right now. I think we can all agree that when we are stressed that we sometimes do and say some things that are irrational.


If something will take a turn for the worse in this relationship, then that will be a learning experience. However, if I don't at least try, I'll never know. I am young, as many of you have mentioned, and I have a long life ahead of me. So, I don't think that there is anything wrong with taking a chance this stage in my life.

[Gator]

Sure, take a chance, enjoy the time together (and I hope there is a meeting).  I caution you, however,  to not allow your emotions and expectations to climb uncontrollably.   Or is it too late for that?

[scafidi454]

Sure, take a chance, enjoy the time together (and I hope there is a meeting).  I caution you, however,  to not allow your emotions and expectations to climb uncontrollably.   Or is it too late for that?

I am not so inexperienced in relationships to let my emotions overrun most of my rationality!!!


Actually, she and I often address that issue to make sure that we are both on the same page. My emotions do sometimes overwhelm me, and everything seems rational. However, we both know that realistically we may not actually be together on a daily basis for about another year, and we're both committed to the time in between.


I think that the one thing that sets this relationship apart from many long distance relationships is the time that she and I actually were together for some time before the long-distance portion came into play.


Sometimes I try to think of our relationship as one of a deployed military member or of a convict. No, I don't feel like I am in jail, but I feel that I am obligated to finish my school before making any drastic life decisions.

[GQBlues]

...If something will take a turn for the worse in this relationship, then that will be a learning experience. However, if I don't at least try, I'll never know. I am young, as many of you have mentioned, and I have a long life ahead of me. So, I don't think that there is anything wrong with taking a chance this stage in my life.

No, of course there's nothing wrong with taking a chance.
 
As long as you know with it carries a degree of risk. How much that risk is depends on where you have your heart upon your sleeve. And just as important, you take along a respectable presence of mind that you can maintain a huge degree of integrity in the event nothing falls in your favor.

[Muzh]

No, of course there's nothing wrong with taking a chance.
 
As long as you know with it carries a degree of risk. How much that risk is depends on where you have your heart upon your sleeve. And just as important, you take along a respectable presence of mind that you can maintain a huge degree of integrity in the event nothing falls in your favor.

Very good advice.

[n_lalala]

scafidi454,
so how is it going?

[scafidi454]

Everything is pretty good for now - We haven't talked much because she is very busy (she's going to look at rooms for rent today), but so far все хорошо!

[n_lalala]

i hope you have found something to do to make you think about her not as often as you used to

[scafidi454]

Yes - She told me that she wants to stay in the relationship. - I've had plenty of stuff to do, but I cannot help but think about her sometimes.

[scafidi454]

My visa was approved! I am going August 8th - 17th!!!

[Aloe]

 
My question to all of the Russian women is: Have you ever wanted or taken a break in your relationship? If so, how did it turn out?
 

A purposeful break in relationship would be something that I never heard of in Russia. Any breaks that I have seen were caused by external circumstances, like a business trip for one partner while another stays at home and is waiting for him or her. Sometimes even people mentioned that ' they were tired of their partner and are glad that they had to leave him or her for a while'. They would never think of mentioning to the partner that they were sick of him or her and wanted to part .  Any break was a result of other obligations that are not related to relationships, and the relationship break was a rather secondary effect.

My hubby wanted a break not long ago  Shoved me to the PC and said to go buy a ticket home, cuz he needs a break. Interestingly, he refuses that i take a break while in Belgium, only if i go home. Not sure what to think, but really, it is not the first time i dont really know what to think about it..
It didn't actually come to taking the break. Now he fervently refuses that him wanting a break meant he wanted a break up. Sigh, and all this about cleaning. He says the fact that i don't clean so much makes him feel disrespected and taken advantage of. How stupid is that? It has nothing to do with respect or the lack thereof, only with lazyness. 
I wonder why is it a matter of utmost importance that i invariably must stay with my parents during a break, and not in Belgium?
The weird part is, after this i told him there is no way that we should proceed with the plan to have a baby, and tomorrow i'm gonna go buy the pill, that he got upset over that? I mean srsly, you want a break, how could u possibly think about having babies after that??

[Nat]

Sigh, and all this about cleaning. He says the fact that i don't clean so much makes him feel disrespected and taken advantage of. How stupid is that?

Sounds really stupid. What does he wanna say - that he married a maid? Why doesn't he hire a maid if he doesn't like the level of cleanness or clean himself as diligent as he wants?

[Aloe]

Sounds really stupid. What does he wanna say - that he married a maid? Why doesn't he hire a maid if he doesn't like the level of cleanness or clean himself as diligent as he wants?

That's a good question. It is WAY easier to hire someone to clean your place than to find someone who you are happy with at all the other times, when you aren't busy inspecting your place for cleanliness. I'd pick happy together in a non-sparkling clean place, or happy together with a cleaning person cleaning, instead of unhappy alone in a clean place or unhappy with someone who cleans but doesn't make you happy otherwise

[Boethius]

Marriage is about compromise, Aloe.  Are his cleanliness standards unreasonable?  Is the division of labour unfair?  Perhaps he has a point about not being respected.  At the same time, him sending you "back to Russia" and "wanting breaks" from you is also very disrespectful to you.  Have you pointed that out to him?  No way should you have a child.

[Turboguy]

I have to agree with the others, this is no time to start a family, this is a time to work out the problems in your marriage.
 
Personally I think breaks can be good, but not if you need them.  If you need a break to take a break from each other there are serious issues that need to be worked out.
 
My wife and I are on a break from each other now.  It wasn't because we needed to be away from each other it was solely because she wanted to see her mother, family and friends and to do some things she wanted to do in Russia.  I think it is good.  I think away from each other it lets me (and hopefully her) realize how much I miss her when she is not here.  It lets me realize how wonderful she is and how much I enjoy spending time with her. 
 
I can contrast my feelings to those with my first marriage.  I traveled a couple days a week and could never have stayed married for 18 years if I didn't get a break from her.  I was climbing the walls by the time it was time to head out for another trip.  It is so different with VWRW.
 
I do think you need to find a way to work out some of the things that create friction for the two of you.  Marriage takes work and compromise and both need to be willing to give.  Good luck.

[ML]

My hubby wanted a break not long ago  Shoved me to the PC and said to go buy a ticket home, cuz he needs a break. Interestingly, he refuses that i take a break while in Belgium, only if i go home. Not sure what to think, but really, it is not the first time i dont really know what to think about it..

A few reasons:

a) If you stay in Belgium 'taking a break' where would you go?  Chances are you would be nearby to where he is and there would probably be some contact, thus you two really would not be 'taking a break' from each other. 

b) If you really could get away to somewhere isolated from him in Belgium, chances are it would cost a lot more than your plane ticket to home.

c) If you are far away, there will be less chance that you could see him or walk in on him while he is spending time with another woman.

[ECOCKS]

Tell him you're taking a break to the South of Spain and to call you when he's ready for you to come back.

[Boethius]

Yes, Ed.  Really unacceptable to say that, let alone "send" Aloe back.  Though granted, we're getting one side of the story.

My SIL has a friend whose daughter married an Italian.  He used to say the same thing.  So, one day, after the Italian told daughter to go back to Ukraine, she told him she had lived a good life in Kyiv.  She packed her belongings, bought a ticket back the next day, and moved back to Kyiv. 

The Italian husband made several trips to Kyiv, begging forgiveness and for her to come back with him.  He promised he'd never say anything remotely similar again.  But, their relationship, by that time, was broken.  She divorced him and ended up marrying a Ukrainian, and is very happy.

[Ade]

Tell him you're taking a break to the South of Spain and to call you will call him when he's you are ready for you to come back.

There, fixed that for you.

[cteas]

I do not mean to be rude, but are you crazy?  When you start calling all of the time, you are coming across as needy.  Any person from any country would feel smothered.  This is a turn-off any where in the world.

Ok guys - Thanks for all of the input - As of right now, I think that she feels smothered, because I call her every day. Many of the Russian women on this site could probably tell you for sure that it is like work trying to talk or write in English if you are not completely fluent. Furthermore, she is in the process of uprooting her life from where she was very well known for most of her life and moving to Moscow (one of the largest cities in the world).

Most of you can agree to this:

-She has limited resources

-She is starting over in a big city, alone.

-She doesn't have a place to live in Moscow yet, only a job that she must go to!!!

-She has an American boyfriend who needs some attention

And I think that I can sum up, for now at least, that she needs some time to focus on starting her life in Moscow. I don't know how long it will be, and I don't think she does either. When I talked to her today she was angry that I tried calling her many times from 7:00a.m. - 11:00a.m. in Moscow time. I admit, I did call too much. However, I was expecting to talk to her today, and I didn't know what time she started her new job.

I also told her how I felt about the break, and how I think she is trying to break our relationship. She told me that she is working to keep the relationship, and that this break is going to help that (I think she is just really stressed right now).

There are some issues that the two of us will have to work out. Mainly, what will it be like if we live together. We will be together almost every day, unless we're on alternating schedules, and I don't know if she expects to be able to just get up and leave when she thinks we talk too much.

P.S. I think it's getting to be about that time of the month for her, but I don't think that's the main factor...

For now, if I just play it cool, live with the temporary break, and don't get too crazy about everything I think we're going to be ok.

Even if she and I were to break up, I don't have someone to run into another relationship with. So, I think I should just wait, even though I over-analyze things too much when I have too much time on my hands.
 
I agree with many key points of your posts, but I think this case is somewhat different. Time will only tell.