Aloe, the desperate housewife

[Aloe]

a really great post, billy.
 
from reading aloe's posts (and her husband's), i've come to the conclusion that they really do deserve each other.  and after all... if they were to split up and each remarry, then there'd be four unhappy people instead of two, so it's better that they try to fix what they once committed to.

Wow, this is one of the very meanest posts that have ever been directed at me. Do you have a crystal ball  that you can predict the future? What or who gives you the right to claim things about my future?

[Aloe]

I am shocked

[I/O]

Not true, if i may believe someone who's down under in the outback right now. He is working as a kitchen hand, and his gf as a waitress in a resort in the outback. They get 20 AUD an hour, they are provided a cheap room to stay in, and meals 3 times a day free of charge. Because the government makes the businesses in the outback provide all that. And he says they found their jobs after sending 1 email, while still being in America.  I have no reason to mistrust him. According to him and to one blog, it's really easy to find a job like that in hospitality sector in the outback, and that they all provide food and lodging, so you can save almost all of your income.

~Sigh~ whatever...........

[Anotherkiwi]

...Ever heard the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Why is your husband hungry? Bad wife! Never let him leave the house hungry. Husband comes home from work tired and hungry then wife takes him shopping for non emergency items while neglecting his needs, I understand why husband thinks wife is trying to piss him off.

When your husband comes home, have food ready for him on time. He goes to work on time doesn't he? Thats called being responsible and by being responsible it feeds you, clothes you, and sends you through college.
 
When your husband comes home, do not grab him to go shopping, hand him a bag of garbage, or bring up a complaint. Hug him, kiss him, feed him, let him relax. I tell my wife she'll get more out of me with sugar than sh!t.

Sorry Billy, but any good, responsible husband would either check before he left home in the morning or ring his wife before leaving work to ask if there was anything that he needed to pick up on the way home.  That would save one bit of stress for each of them.  As for handing him a bag of garbage (presumably to put out in the rubbish bin or whatever system they have where they live)...give her a break!  I know it's only an example, but taking ten seconds out of his time when he arrives home should NOT hurt a good relationship.  Sure, give him a kiss and a cuddle FIRST! 
 
As far as meal times go, everyone is different.  I'm often home for an hour or more before even thinking about dinner.  Other times it's dinner as soon as I get in the door.  In any case, what makes you think that Aloe always gets home before her husband?  University lectures here go as late as 9 pm (of course I don't know Aloe's timetable).
 

Your husband reacts to certain situations in immature ways. I don't agree with most people he's a violent person, just immature and doesn't know how to react.

Choking someone is not violent?  I know you're a tough construction guy, and your world is different from mine, but there's a hell of a difference between being immature (which I agree he is) and physically attacking someone, even if it's borne of frustration.  Apologies in advance to missAmeno and Ranetka, but I would guess that their ex-husbands also started as pretty sweet and lovey-dovey guys, otherwise they wouldn't have married them.  People change, Billy, and not always for the better.  In this case I'm worried that this attack is the start of something much worse.  Of course I could be paranoid, and nothing worse will ever happen, but (in your vernacular) shit happens!
 

Some guys here wonder why RW will consider an older man. Your husband is an example why. RW don't want to put up with the BS from being married to a child. You've had disputes regarding music, money, house chores, etc... You voiced your thoughts about your husband here repeatedly and people have bashed your husband for it. Are you happy or proud they're doing this to a man who is the only one guy feeding, clothing, and paying for your education? Nobody here has done anything for you.
 
Your husband may have a hard time telling you he loves you but you begin neglect him in ways you don't understand and he begins neglecting you in ways you don't understand, the house begins to fall apart. If my wife spends too much time on the computer or she's mentions I spend too much time doing something alone, I tell her lets go for a walk or do another activity together. Your husband currently prefers to relax alone with his music after work instead of with you. I told you in the past your husband is immature and won't be able to fix the problems so you need to be the teacher and take the first steps. You're depressed, he's depressed. Cry me a river. Crying solves nothing. Your move Aloe so take action and fix it.
 
Do you want to be a good wife or just an average one? Tell your husband you appreciate him working and taking care of you. Take care of your husband in return. Sit with him, cuddle with him, rub your finger through his hair. I seriously doubt he will want to choke you at this time. Remember, give sugar, not sh!t and you will get more in return and possilbly the results you want from him.

No argument from me - good points.
 

Divorce? I don't agree with the calls for divorce. Are you religious or believe in God? If so, let no man separate what God put together, your marriage. Only 3 reasons for divorce. Abuse, abandonment, or adultry. You feel a tiny bit of physical abuse and your husband will claim he's mentally abused. Not enough for divorce. It seems your husband likes time alone listening to music and you have your alone time. Not exactly abandonment but could lead there if both of you neglect each others needs.

I'm not so sure about this.  If there's no love left in a marriage then, to me, there's no point staying together.  I'm not saying that's the case here, but nobody who truly loves their spouse physically attacks them.

[I/O]

Yes I/O was telling a bit of an urban myth

That the only decent outback money is in the resources sector? You just comfimed my point.

[Aloe]

He compromised with you but you insist he never listen to the music at all. Earplugs or headphones are additional solutions.
 
Men can hurt women by physical means, but women can hurt men with words. You want to continue talking and he wants to cool down. If you don't let him cool down, he can snap. Anybody can snap.
 
Ever heard the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Why is your husband hungry? Bad wife! Never let him leave the house hungry. Husband comes home from work tired and hungry then wife takes him shopping for non emergency items while neglecting his needs, I understand why husband thinks wife is trying to piss him off.

When your husband comes home, have food ready for him on time. He goes to work on time doesn't he? Thats called being responsible and by being responsible it feeds you, clothes you, and sends you through college.
 
When your husband comes home, do not grab him to go shopping, hand him a bag of garbage, or bring up a complaint. Hug him, kiss him, feed him, let him relax. I tell my wife she'll get more out of me with sugar than sh!t.
 
Your husband reacts to certain situations in immature ways. I don't agree with most people he's a violent person, just immature and doesn't know how to react. Some guys here wonder why RW will consider an older man. Your husband is an example why. RW don't want to put up with the BS from being married to a child. You've had disputes regarding music, money, house chores, etc... You voiced your thoughts about your husband here repeatedly and people have bashed your husband for it. Are you happy or proud they're doing this to a man who is the only one guy feeding, clothing, and paying for your education? Nobody here has done anything for you.
 
Your husband may have a hard time telling you he loves you but you begin neglect him in ways you don't understand and he begins neglecting you in ways you don't understand, the house begins to fall apart. If my wife spends too much time on the computer or she's mentions I spend too much time doing something alone, I tell her lets go for a walk or do another activity together. Your husband currently prefers to relax alone with his music after work instead of with you. I told you in the past your husband is immature and won't be able to fix the problems so you need to be the teacher and take the first steps. You're depressed, he's depressed. Cry me a river. Crying solves nothing. Your move Aloe so take action and fix it.
 
Do you want to be a good wife or just an average one? Tell your husband you appreciate him working and taking care of you. Take care of your husband in return. Sit with him, cuddle with him, rub your finger through his hair. I seriously doubt he will want to choke you at this time. Remember, give sugar, not sh!t and you will get more in return and possilbly the results you want from him.
 
Divorce? I don't agree with the calls for divorce. Are you religious or believe in God? If so, let no man separate what God put together, your marriage. Only 3 reasons for divorce. Abuse, abandonment, or adultry. You feel a tiny bit of physical abuse and your husband will claim he's mentally abused. Not enough for divorce. It seems your husband likes time alone listening to music and you have your alone time. Not exactly abandonment but could lead there if both of you neglect each others needs.

Billy, most of your post has nothing to do with me whatsoever.


First, vast majority of stores close at 18 here, so i couldn't take him shopping after work if i wanted to. Second, my hubby won't leave the house after work if it was on fire,  figuratively speaking, let alone to go shopping, so i couldn't take him shopping after work if i wanted to. Third, i'm not stupid, and even if in some fantasy world he would agree to leave the house after work, i wouldn't take him shopping then, cuz then he'd just get immediately annoyed cuz he's too tired.  So no, i dont give him a bag of garbage or a bag of anything or take him shopping after work. I never make him do anything. Probably a mistake on my part. When i want something done, i ask nicely. If it isn't done, then i don't care if he does it later. If there is a heavy box in the living room, which i ask him to bring upstairs, and he doesn't, it can stay a week or two in the living room (and it does stay), i dont care when he does it, because eventually he does it. I never make him do stuff, i only ask it and sometimes remind.




What he does when he comes home from work is eat and then play the PC the rest of the evening, sometimes taking breaks to watch tv.


 I am one of the most affectionate people im acquainted with. So dont tell me to be affectionate and to stop giving shit.


Im sorry for not feeding him 24/7. Who knows if we came outside at 3 pm that he would be hungry 30 minutes later, 3 hrs before dinner time? I guess i should know, thx for the tip, ill try to feed him whenever he has to go outside. However i get hungry too, and im not whining and acting all annoyed because of it.  If you havent eaten only a few hours, hunger isn't such an overwhelming overpowering feeling that you cannot control yourself.

And  no i'm not religious, so lets leave that topic aside.

[Aloe]

That the only decent outback money is in the resources sector? You just comfimed my point.

You definition of decent money is very different from Belgian definition. If you could earn 20 bucks an hour and save most of it, it's very good money by Belgian standards. Here average salary is 3000 euro per month brutto, which means with a working spouse you get like 1600 euro netto a month.

[I/O]

20 bucks an hour and save most of it

20 bucks an hours is backpackers money............less tax and the cost of getting here to get it, honestly, do the sums, you wouldn't bother.

[Aloe]

Yes I/O was telling a bit of an urban myth is his post Aloe.

I work in rural WA (Western Australia) in the mining industry - we are crying out for skilled people in all  areas, and the wage statistics are all true (in fact $20 per hour is low around here!) There are people here who work in the camps (and they are nice camps - swimming pools, gyms, food halls, your own room with ensuite and sat tv, free wifi etc) Even kitchen hands or cleaners would be on close to $100K p.a gross.

My Russian wife came here for a week to see what it was all about, but decided it wasn't for her, she needed the cosmopolitan lifestyle (you know, shoe shops I guess ) so she lives in Perth and has found herself a good $100K job in the city...so yes, its possible. (The 'one email from overseas, and you're hired' is a little hard to buy)

A good mix is what we call a FIFO (fly in fly out) job, whereby you live in the city and you get flown into site (on a proper jet, not some small thing) and you work, say 8 days (and stay/live/sleep at the camp) - then you are flown back to Perth for your break which is usually 6 days off and that is how your roster goes

At the moment, I live in a small town, in a house (company pays most of the rent) and I fly myself down to Perth, but I am looking for one of those FIFO jobs myself so I can save on the airfares

Look at the Australian immigration website and see what options are available for work visa's - that would be the hard part, if at any stage you get serious about the idea, PM me. My wife and I would only be too happy to help - I've done it for a few couples now, put them up, helped them find jobs etc.

ps. A lot of Women do work on minesites - everything from driving the big trucks, to administration, working at the airports, kitchens, cleaners, the Manager for our entire Minesite for 2 years was a Woman

That's interesting. I was looking at work and travel visa, meant for people under 30 years (Russian citizens not included) that wanna come to Australia for 1 year

Are you doing what you want to do with your life?  Are you expanding your horizons?  Are you becoming the person you want to be, or are you going to start hating yourself for what you have become?  Just some things to think about.  I wish you peace of mind, but you have to make that happen!

I am indeed on the way to where i wanna be, as far as personal development is concerned. I am getting a higher education, i speak 3 languages fluently, and just started with a 4th language. When university is done, i'll even have time to read non-study related books to learn even more things. My confidence has definitely dramatically risen since i got married. It is yet unstable, but i see a lot of improvement. If before i looked in the mirror and hated it, now i look in the mirror and more often than not am pleased with what i see. I am coming to accept little flaws and that i cant have the body i want and that's just the way it is.

I don't know about AD, never tried them. I know people that found those very helpful though.
Aloe, who do you talk to? I understand you don't have very close girlfriends (the most common form of therapy for FSUW    ), you don't confide in your mother. Do you talk to your husband like you talk to us on RWD? Have you discussed all those issues, and how you feel about yourself and life, and your family history with him? Is your husband truly your best friend?
From your several threads, what bothers me most is that you seem to completely lack the drive that a young girl your age should normally have. This is the age that you don't have responsibilities (like kids or caring for aging parents) yet, you should truly enjoy life for yourself together with your husband and work towards your goals. At least enjoy life. This is the natural age and situation to be optimistic. Correct me if I am wrong but it seems like you were this same way (no drive) way before you met your husband.

I dont talk to anyone, except this forum Sad, i know. I do tell my husband the softened version of what i write here. Minus the uncertainty about the future of our marriage. Because when he brought up divorce in our 1st year of marriage, it hurt my feelings for him very deeply. So i dont wanna do that to his feelings, unless i know what i am going to do for sure.

What drive are you talking about? Motivation to do anything? Yeah, it bothers me too that im not motivated to do anything, and that life sux and is empty and pointless The things i wanna do to enjoy life require drastic changes in my life. For example i would love to travel through Asia, even on a budget, but that's just dangerous to do alone, and i dont know anyone who has similar desires. Basically all my dreams that i actually feel better from, are all related to travel. Travel takes money and a companion. Im not up for solo travel and i dont have any money. So apart from travelling, im not really motivated to do anything right now, and it has been this way for the past 10 years.. Well no, when i was 18 i got very motivated to get married, but thats gone now

Aloe regarding your anger, the problem is that you are someone with a very high self-control. Having suffered from something similar (some guys here can confirm that I am also usually silent more than speaking) I know that keeping your anger inside is not a good thing.
This is why I suggested that in a fight you let go of those name-calling words instead of making a point of anything.

At the same time your hubby has the problem that he never had to grow up. Before marriage he had his mother cater his needs, and in a way you just took her place. He needs to learn that taking care of basic needs and providing more than just money (and some indoor fun) is his responsibility.

On the other hand understand that working a full day is different from university, and makes you more tired.  To come home and be sent out 20 times for things needed can make a guy grumpy.

I dont send him out to do anything after work, like i already mentioned. All those grumpy annoyed episodes are in the week-end. And now he has every friday off, until the end of the year, so that's 3 days of week-end every week. Still doesn't wanna do much though.
If i let go of self-control and start calling him names, i am afraid it will be a very long speech, and i might never stop after that. I'm not sure it's wise to open the flood-gates. Besides he has let me know in the past that he does not tolerate english swear words well.

There are side effects when you initially take them and withdrawals when you stop taking them.  It can last from weeks to a month. 

There are things you can do naturally that may help without the anti depressants.

I was diagnosed with depression quite awhile ago.  I did the anti depressants and I didn't like the feeling on them.  It was almost like a numbness.

I have found exercising (for me the major difference happened when I started weight lifting) to keep me in a good frame of mind. 

Being around other people helps a lot even if your instinct is to stay away from everyone.

For me, I realized I was craving huge amounts of chocolate before an episode of depression would hit me.  When that happens now, I hit the weights and it knocks out the craving and no depression.  Since I am pretty consistent in the gym, I haven't had any craving like that or depression episodes.

Thanks for sharing. I work out 2 or 3 times a week. Doesn't help my situation much. Helps with self-esteem a bit.

Where can i be around people? I wouldnt know...

[BillyB]

When i want something done, i ask nicely. If it isn't done, then i don't care if he does it later. If there is a heavy box in the living room, which i ask him to bring upstairs, and he doesn't, it can stay a week or two in the living room (and it does stay), i dont care when he does it, because eventually he does it. I never make him do stuff, i only ask it and sometimes remind.

Based on a incident in the past, isn't your husband the one that wanted a clean house? He was frustrated since you only vacuumed once every 3-4 weeks? What was your response? If one spouse lets things fall apart, the other will follow. The way it sounds now, the house if cluttered with junk and nobody cares anymore.
 

What he does when he comes home from work is eat and then play the PC the rest of the evening, sometimes taking breaks to watch tv.

I thought he liked listening to his music after work? Your husband is at the point certain things are more entertaining than the wife. He's too immature to find a solution or he's at the point he doesn't want to find a solution and by the way you defend yourself and have your husband hanged in a public forum, I don't think you are looking for a solution either. Your mind is made up and it's just a matter of time before the end. When you voice your frustrations here, what is more important to you? Support/sympathy or a solution? Advice to save your marriage or an exit plan? Serious questions here.
 

Choking someone is not violent?

My wife bites me and the teeth marks are visable for days. I counter with death by tickling. If Aloe's husband wanted to be really violent, there would more action than hands briefly around the thoat. He stopped for a reason.
 

  People change, Billy, and not always for the better.

Every action has a reaction. Plant a good seed, get good result. Plant a bad seed, get bad results. Why did Aloe's husband go from being a good husband to one on the edge of getting results by violence? There's got to be more to the story. I can't imagine choking my wife when she rubs her fingers through my hair, rubs my chest, gives me a massage, gives me a kiss when I come home or feeds me.
 
It's possible Aloe's husband was always an immature jerk and no amount of a woman's sweetness could change him. One reason I've defended Aloe's husband is because I've heard claims he's 99.5% a great husband. What to believe? Almost a perfect husband or an immature violent maniac?

[Jumper]

Aloe-
 I hope you keep seeing your doc, the long term depression is troubling.
I do hope that you  stop using words like worthless and hopeless  for yourself in here,
or in your head.
 You make your own reality, and you generally  believe what you hear from a close sourse right? that's  you talking!!  so  immediately stop undermining yourself.make an effort not to think and speak that way. I dont care if it feels fake, tell yourself your value, write down your good traits , etc.
 
Your husbands immature.it really isnt a surpise at his age ,but he seems a bit more so  than most.From your accounts he does seem to learn?He hasnt threatened divorce,afer learning it wasnt correct to do so.You are learning as well.
 
Most of what you relay here is very typical of young marriages, I dont care what the peanut gallery says.Its far more close to typical,  than away from it.
It is also likely why such high divorce rates exist? so thats of little comfort perhaps.
 
Most of the time you say and feel that your marriage is good.
He got violent, and absolutely shouldn't have.no excuses.
That needs talked out and resolved to regain your trust and respect in him,if possible.
 
 You seem to take any fight, like its the absolute end of the world,and feel accordingly after.
Thats incredibly hard for anyone. Recognize you arnt the only person that does that.
Many do!
It's  your youth,
( i know your tired of hearing that,lol but at 45 its very doubtful youd react and feel so strongly)
 personality, and possible depression showing .... why you really need to see the doc/psychologists regularly about it.
As some have metioned, its a real shame you cant confide in family,or close friends but i do understand that. It does majke you very vunerable to depression,as you have no outlet but here to vent? thats not healtyhy, rectify that. dont tell yourself you cant, you can.
You can see the doc, you can make new friends, it is possible.
 
Anyway,whether your husband is good bad or indifferent
is a separate issiue, and shouldnt completely define you.
Your marriage is seperate ftrom Aloe the person.
I'm certainly no doc or play one on the internet, 
but young people being very angruy ionside and not knowing why.. isnt unusual at all ?
its frustration. get to the bottom of that.
 
Your husband seems to have his own set of issues, but mostly immaturity and a lack of knowing how to ciope when youy guys argue, which seems seldom.
and some unrealistic expectations of marriage.
 
It doesnt make you , him , or anyone else *bad* or hopeless people.
It makes you two a confused young couple, like most everyone else on the planet!
 
He does need to get out of the house more,since its a big stumbling block for you two(from previous posts) maybe he is deprerssed as well? or as youve stated befiore he just doesnt enjoy travel or getting out , which you do.
Thats something that you two need to work out together, dont ignore it, talk it out.
youll either eventually come to some compromises, or youll both realize it wasnt meant to be.
better to communicate and find out.
A scheduled walk each evening together, or startijng once a week, than twice a week ,
then three times? etc..
 i think would help (its just a suggestion) if he doesnt want to go,(of course)
 go alone (if its safe) not in anger,  just to get out for some freash air.
and make sure he  knows youd really just like his company instwad of the TV, PC ot studies.?
you, or him, hiding on a pc/tv all evening isnt going anywhere, but frankly it is what many people do.
 
Anyway you are like many coupl;es.. it isnt unusual.
There wouldn't be thousandas of books (thru history)  and movies over these subjects if everyone went thru life with no problems.
 
 I dont have any answers for you.. I have seen my share of peoople in exactly the same situations.
Find out whats making you angry inside.. really find out.
Moving wont fix that,until you know whats actually up.
 
I'd listen To I/O about the outback,, the mining industry is where the money is at,
and there are jobs,  but it might not be what you're expecting.
Its the same in south africa, but you probably hadnt considered there.
Just dont expect there to be a ton of difference between the two places if out on a company site,which is typical.
Fort Mac Canada is booming now too, and tons of jobs, but no one really wants to go there,
or stay there, there are good reasons for that
 
 

[Aloe]

20 bucks an hours is backpackers money............less tax and the cost of getting here to get it, honestly, do the sums, you wouldn't bother.

I did the math, the guy who is there right now says he earns 20 bucks an hour. He says he works 40-60 hours a week, so let's make that an average of 50 hours. Thats 4000 bucks brutto every month. Minus the room 300 bucks a month thats 3700, food is free. What else would you spend money on in the middle of nowhere? He says he buys a lot of beer, which is incredibly expensive, but i wouldn't do that, i'd just save most of my money. 3700 x 12 is 44400 in a year. How much are the taxes? Even if they are 50%, which i doubt, it's still at least 20k bucks saved in a year. Do you know how long you have to work, if you're  single, to save this much in Belgium? Many many many many years... Please correct me if im wrong, because im seriously considering this. Stop snorting and sighing, just give some info if you can.

[Aloe]

Aloe-
 I hope you keep seeing your doc, the long term depression is troubling.
I do hope that you  stop using words like worthless and hopeless  for yourself in here,
or in your head.
 You make your own reality, and you generally  believe what you hear from a close sourse right? that's  you talking!!  so  immediately stop undermining yourself.make an effort not to think and speak that way. I dont care if it feels fake, tell yourself your value, write down your good traits , etc.
 
Your husbands immature.it really isnt a surpise at his age ,but he seems a bit more so  than most.From your accounts he does seem to learn?He hasnt threatened divorce,afer learning it wasnt correct to do so.You are learning as well.
 
Most of what you relay here is very typical of young marriages, I dont care what the peanut gallery says.Its far more close to typical,  than away from it.
It is also likely why such high divorce rates exist? so thats of little comfort perhaps.
 
Most of the time you say and feel that your marriage is good.
He got violent, and absolutely shouldn't have.no excuses.
That needs talked out and resolved to regain your trust and respect in him,if possible.
 
 You seem to take any fight, like its the absolute end of the world,and feel accordingly after.
Thats incredibly hard for anyone. Recognize you arnt the only person that does that.
Many do!
It's  your youth,
( i know your tired of hearing that,lol but at 45 its very doubtful youd react and feel so strongly)
 personality, and possible depression showing .... why you really need to see the doc/psychologists regularly about it.
As some have metioned, its a real shame you cant confide in family,or close friends but i do understand that. It does majke you very vunerable to depression,as you have no outlet but here to vent? thats not healtyhy, rectify that. dont tell yourself you cant, you can.
You can see the doc, you can make new friends, it is possible.
 
Anyway,whether your husband is good bad or indifferent
is a separate issiue, and shouldnt completely define you.
Your marriage is seperate ftrom Aloe the person.
I'm certainly no doc or play one on the internet, 
but young people being very angruy ionside and not knowing why.. isnt unusual at all ?
its frustration. get to the bottom of that.
 
Your husband seems to have his own set of issues, but mostly immaturity and a lack of knowing how to ciope when youy guys argue, which seems seldom.
and some unrealistic expectations of marriage.
 
It doesnt make you , him , or anyone else *bad* or hopeless people.
It makes you two a confused young couple, like most everyone else on the planet!
 
He does need to get out of the house more,since its a big stumbling block for you two(from previous posts) maybe he is deprerssed as well? or as youve stated befiore he just doesnt enjoy travel or getting out , which you do.
Thats something that you two need to work out together, dont ignore it, talk it out.
youll either eventually come to some compromises, or youll both realize it wasnt meant to be.
better to communicate and find out.
A scheduled walk each evening together, or startijng once a week, than twice a week ,
then three times? etc..
 i think would help (its just a suggestion) if he doesnt want to go,(of course)
 go alone (if its safe) not in anger,  just to get out for some freash air.
and make sure he  knows youd really just like his company instwad of the TV, PC ot studies.?
you, or him, hiding on a pc/tv all evening isnt going anywhere, but frankly it is what many people do.
 
Anyway you are like many coupl;es.. it isnt unusual.
There wouldn't be thousandas of books (thru history)  and movies over these subjects if everyone went thru life with no problems.
 
 I dont have any answers for you.. I have seen my share of peoople in exactly the same situations.
Find out whats making you angry inside.. really find out.
Moving wont fix that,until you know whats actually up.
 
I'd listen To I/O about the outback,, the mining industry is where the money is at,
and there are jobs,  but it might not be what you're expecting.
Its the same in south africa, but you probably hadnt considered there.
Just dont expect there to be a ton of difference between the two places if out on a company site,which is typical.
Fort Mac Canada is booming now too, and tons of jobs, but no one really wants to go there,
or stay there, there are good reasons for that

Thanks, AJ. What a wonderful post. I guess this is kind of what i wanted to hear, that our problems are normal, and that if i found someone else, there would be exactly the same problems just under a different sauce. I feel kinda relieved.
I am however worried that it might be too late, and too much damage has been done. Enough to make me doubt everything...


It is really difficult to get him off the PC or TV. When i do manage to get him off the PC, he gets restless very quickly. I tell him i wanna spend some time together without pc or tv, he says ok, so we sit there hugging, and i say lets talk about something... He says ok... And then there is silence. Neither one of us is talkative. We are both very silent people. I might say something about my day, but they are very uneventful so there isn't much to say, and he never says anything about his day. He says either "it was ok" or "as usual". So after 5 minutes he gets bored of hugging and turns the tv back on or goes back to game. 

[Jumper]

I did the math, the guy who is there right now says he earns 20 bucks an hour. He says he works 40-60 hours a week, so let's make that an average of 50 hours. Thats 4000 bucks brutto every month. Minus the room 300 bucks a month thats 3700, food is free. What else would you spend money on in the middle of nowhere? He says he buys a lot of beer, which is incredibly expensive, but i wouldn't do that, i'd just save most of my money. 3700 x 12 is 44400 in a year. How much are the taxes? Even if they are 50%, which i doubt, it's still at least 20k bucks saved in a year. Do you know how long you have to work, if you're  single, to save this much in Belgium? Many many many many years... Please correct me if im wrong, because im seriously considering this. Stop snorting and sighing, just give some info if you can.

Those type places are generallty very expensive to live aloe, i mean every lttle thing is waayyyy over priced.
People,with a very good plan and self dicipline,  do go to such places and make some dough and get back out.its isnt easy as it looks and there is a reason they get back out.
Most go, blow their dough and have little to show afterwards,other than hating the place.
 
 
not crushing your dreams,but suggesting you research it very well?
 
 
 
 

[GoodOlBoy]

It's not "normal" to choke your wife or put your hands over her mouth so she can't scream or breathe.

That is a load of crap.

Aloe, just last night this famous rich football guy was arrested here in Miami:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/08/12/2947931/chad-johnsons-bond-set-at-2500.html

There are consequences in the GoodOl' USA for behavior like your husbands.... No matter who you are!

GOB

[Jumper]

Thanks, AJ. What a wonderful post. I guess this is kind of what i wanted to hear, that our problems are normal, and that if i found someone else, there would be exactly the same problems just under a different sauce. I feel kinda relieved.
I am however worried that it might be too late, and too much damage has been done. Enough to make me doubt everything...


It is really difficult to get him off the PC or TV. When i do manage to get him off the PC, he gets restless very quickly. I tell him i wanna spend some time together without pc or tv, he says ok, so we sit there hugging, and i say lets talk about something... He says ok... And then there is silence. Neither one of us is talkative. We are both very silent people. I might say something about my day, but they are very uneventful so there isn't much to say, and he never says anything about his day. He says either "it was ok" or "as usual". So after 5 minutes he gets bored of hugging and turns the tv back on or goes back to game. 

Well I don't want to make light of the marital problems either.
things are very serious when you feel the level of depression you described in your first post.
 
You both always played a lot on the PC? even when he met you (isnt it how you met?)
I'm not sure if its something you now do together (or ever did together)
 
Like i said i have no great answers,
i've screwed up more than my fair share of relationships.. !!!
 
i have known many people living separate lives in the same home. (and that can be with either bad ,or good, spouses)
It can be fixed, by interacting with that person, working on things
or by moving on with ones life.
But you certainly are not alone , many people are at the juncture that they dont know what choice they have in the situation, or which one to make.
Its why its important you talk to someone qualified to help, ,and  friends or family.
 the introweb  is just lousy place for that.
 
 

[BillyB]

Aloe, just last night this famous rich football guy was arrested here in Miami.

http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/08/12/2947931/chad-johnsons-bond-set-at-2500.html

That guy put a 3 inch gash in his wife's head.
 
People say Aloe's husband is immature because he's made a lot of mistakes and negelected to be a man of the house. He can't identify or even solve problems within the marriage. Because he's immature, he reacted poorly and put his hands on Aloe's throat. Immature people do stupid things. Anybody seriously think he's a violent felon deserving jail time and possibly losing his job over this incident?

[GoodOlBoy]

And later over her mouth so she couldn't scream or breathe.

GOB

PS.... Aloe's husband commited a crime, it's not up to me, but I would be VERY comfortable with a judge deciding his punishment.

[BillyB]

And later over her mouth so she couldn't scream or breathe.

GOB

I doubt he was trying to kill Aloe. They shouldn't be sharing their drama with the neighbors next door. If this is a violent incident, Aloe should leave now otherwise it's just drama.

[Jumper]

It's not "normal" to choke your wife or put your hands over her mouth so she can't scream or breathe.

That is a load of crap.

Aloe, just last night this famous rich football guy was arrested here in Miami.

http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/08/12/2947931/chad-johnsons-bond-set-at-2500.html

There are consequences in the GoodOl' USA for behavior like your husbands.... No matter who you are!

GOB

And really , its not completely normal to take everything in absolute black and white,and never see any grey color, ever.
 
For what its worth GOB, i have zero tolerance for her hubbys behavior at that moment in time.He was a complete ass,and its inexcusable behaviour, did you mkiss that part of my post? but of course you did.
 
For you to suggest that a million young couples around the world havnt had very similar fights occassionally in their early marrige is disingenuios as well.
 
no it doesnt make the actions right or correct.
 
you really have no idea, (neither do i) what their marriage day to day is like?
You have a depressed young woman in a new country having what seems very typical adjustment  and early marital problems, while they are huge hurdles to overcome,
they are also nothing way out of the ordinary for that scenareo.
add in a immaturte hubby.. and fun times insue!
 
 Whether you like it or not, it is pretty typical in the BIGGER picture of young marriage the world around,and there are just as many  young wives that can relate to aloe, than can't.
 
GOB, if you stil havnt noticved,
she isnt in the USA, isnt really interested in being here.
 
Do you think stating what could happen in the USA helps Aloe? right now?
 
he acted the complete ass,at that moment,
 a night in the pokey may have done him some temporary good in my opinion?
just a crack in his immaturity,but likely not changed a dang thing long term.
 you feel better GOB?
 
it doesnt really help Aloe.
 

[I/O]

just give some info if you can.

Aloe: Jumper made the point - living and working outback in Australia as you refer to it carries a host of unpredictable expenses leave aside just getting there.

[GoodOlBoy]

GOB, if you stil havnt noticved,
she isnt in the USA, isnt really interested in being here.

I know that if her husband were here in the GoodOl' USA and a judge did what I think he would do to him, hubby wouldn't be going on another airplane to the FSU to look for another victim wife (IMBRA).

He would have to stay home and choke one of the local girls. 

GOB

[Spoon]

That the only decent outback money is in the resources sector? You just comfimed my point.

Yes on that count you are correct, it was more the remark on what type of work a young, attractive and foreign woman may find in the outback. The mining companies have a lot of say in what happens in towns and they have certainly moved to make them more 'family friendly' over the past several years.

There is work available for women and it's not all manual. A lot of admin is required to keep a mine running, in areas like legal compliance, health & safety, training, accommodation & flight bookings.

But Aloe - I would heed jumpers words carefully. These places are usually very inhospitable, extreme climates and very little to do outside of work. You have to work hard at finding a balance between life and work.

You need to be quite disciplined to keep hold of the good money as well, like Jumper said, a lot of people walk away after a few years with little to show for their time because they have blown their money on 'stuff'.

FWIW, my wife does not work in the resource sector. But she is blessed with a good education, including a business degree from an American Institution, so I think that was certainly the difference there in finding a well paid job in the city.

Myself, I had no mining experience or real crossover skills - but what I did have was family/contacts in the industry.....oh, and yes, my New Zealand passport

As for expenses, yes, it's expensive to live in some of these towns, food is costly - especially fresh fruit/veges. Fuel is expensive and you are usually 500 - 600km from any decent medical facility or dentist etc, there are no normal shops, except maybe a small supermarket, post office or some small local enterprise. That is why there is a big shift to FIFO now, people want the best of both worlds.

If you cannot get a FIFO job or a company house, then private rental, especially in the far NW of Western Australia is astronomical $1500 - $2000 per week is not uncommon (yes, per week!) luckily, if you work for one of the bigger Companies here, they will reimburse you, but competition for housing is so, so tight, it took a whole year for a house to come on the market here in this town, which I snapped up. Before that I was living with a friend.

[GoodOlBoy]

... if at any stage you get serious about the idea, PM me. My wife and I would only be too happy to help - I've done it for a few couples now, put them up, helped them find jobs etc.

Spoon, that is really a nice offer.
You are truly a good guy!

GOB

[GoodOlBoy]

For you to suggest that a million young couples around the world havnt had very similar fights occassionally in their early marrige is disingenuios as well.

Color me stupid, but I am not so sure it is "helpful" to tell Aloe that a million other people around the world choke their wives and try to cut off their screams by covering their mouths with a forceful hand.

GOB