How to get hubby to get rid of an addiction?

[Aloe]

Hello Aloe:

I have been playing online games since 1990.  And have been the creator of many online games since 1995.I have been a programmer since 1982 so I understand the mentality of your husband fairly well. I have had 1000's of customers with the same issue as you, and at times my wife has complained the same as you have.

What game is he playing? And how long has he been playing it. You said he stopped and the started playing again. How long has this last playing stretch been? And has he played other online games?
When was the last time he took a 1 or 2 week break from playing?

I ask these question as to get a better picture of your husband.

Online games are fun because it is something you do with people who enjoy the same things as the person playing does. In a lot of ways it is the same as people spending time on this forum. It is a place to interact with other people with common interests.

1st suggestion, don't try to make him stop playing. Instead think of immediate things to do that are fun to BOTH of you. Obviously the game he is playing is very fun for him, you can not expect him to just stop playing, and have nothing else interesting for him to do. People have hobbies, one of your appears to be spending time on this board.

So you say you wish him to stop playing, the biggest question I have is , what do you want him to do instead, and is what you want want him to do a realistic expectation.

Dale
P.S. See my link in my signature for my current product.

He is playing lineage 2, he started playing it in 2004 i think. Then he stopped for 2 years in 2009 until beginning 2012, and now in february he started playing again. In that period of 2 years we played other online games together and offline games. He has never taken a 1-2 week break from his game. The only break he took was the 2 years.
He says he plays because it's cheap and the only thing we can afford right now But i don't see it that way, i think we can afford to do plenty of other things, he just doesn't wanna.. But he says when i finish studying and get a job, then we can start living... I think we can already live...
What i want him to do instead of his online game is play offline games or read a book. You can always put an offline game on pause, and give some attention to your spouse. But you can't do that with an online game.. He says offline games are a waste of time.. Three times HA.. as if online games aren't a waste..

[Marian]

He is very loyal and honest, and trustworthy and more often than not easy going, and responsible. I value faithfulness a lot. He is just a very good guy except a few quirks Best one i've ever run across. And beautiful too.

And we get along wonderfully, i've only run across such chemistry once before hubby (and that turned out to be a married guy). You just feel really comfortable with a person.

Hard to belive a adult men is addictet to a Computergame.But as I know there is nothing on this world which doesnt exists.Maybe itīs better you accept it and try to understand why he is playing so much.The most addictions relate to excape from the daily routine.
Do you think there are some psychological factors why he is playing so much,or is he only bored?
Maybe it would be better to ask some profesionals about this problem.Maybe they can offer you more Solutions then you can get here.

[Ranetka]

The most addictions relate to excape from the daily routine.

Maybe it would be better to ask some profesionals about this problem.Maybe they can offer you more Solutions then you can get here.

The person who would find out the cause(s) of addictions will get a Nobel prize.
The one who find solutions to get people rid of addictions will get another Nobel prize.

[newjason]

[LAman]

Outstanding analysis Jason!!!

[Shostakovich]

Very interesting topic. 


After a stint with a former alcoholic as a gf, and going to the AA and Al anon meetings with her, I found myself asking about the nature of addiction.  How is a bad habit different from an addiction?  It is a fundamental difference, as a bad habit constellates around a certain objective fascination whereas an addiction constellates around the desire to escape into a new reality.  One can walk away from a bad habit one but it is the bleak reality and the lack of understanding about what to do about it that is the foundation for an addiction.  That said, I was astonished to learn the names that said gf encountered while in AA in England.  You see them on your movie screen routinely.  And so the "cure" for an addict is to address reality as it comes and to find an optimistic horizon in it.  Easier said ...


Btw, the saddest meetings were the Al Anon meetings, as addicts have no sense for the damage they do.

[newjason]

Outstanding analysis Jason!!!

heh
My tounge is getting more and more bite marks as time goes on   

[Bee Farmer]

Hi Aloe,
It sounds like hubby has some growing up to do, but that doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy.  It's unrealistic to think that a husband and wife are going to mature at exactly the same pace.

Is it possible that your husband is so distracted that he doesn't realize how much you are bothered?  It sounds like you are distancing yourselves from each other a little.  He may be happy playing his game, and you are off playing on the computer or watching tv, so he may think that everything is still pretty decent.

I would recommend getting a piece of paper, and making a list of all the good traits about your husband that attracted you to him.  What made you want to have a relationship with him?  What was it about him that made you want to marry him?  Now, does he still have those qualities and traits?  If he still has those qualities and traits, don't be too harsh on him if your expectations have changed.

There is a saying that everyone should think about before they get married.
A woman marries a man thinking that she can change him - but he doesn't change.
A man marries a woman thinking she won't change - and she does.

In regards to the gaming addiction, he has to want to change.  Trying to force him to change will only make him fight back harder, and end up resenting you.

I do have a couple suggestions for you though, to encourage him to want to change.

When he is gaming, pull up a chair and sit beside him the whole time.  If he asks you why you are there, tell him that he is your husband.  You love him and want to spend time with him.  If sitting beside him is the only way you get to spend enough time with him, then you are willing to sit with him while he plays.
Be sweet and loving when you tell him.  Odds are, it will annoy him enough and he will feel a little ashamed and he will end up turning the game off.

I would also encourage you to turn off the lights in the room he is playing games in.  Try to darken the room as much as possible.  This will cause eye strain and give him a headache.  When gaming becomes painful, it won't be as much fun anymore.

You may also want to adjust the screen settings on the monitor to cause eye strain too.

And you must also remember that you are a woman.  You hold an immense power.  Women have a weapon that can put fear into the heart of even the bravest man.  You may want to consider using this weapon.  Here is how you do it...

A week before your time of the month, when he is busy playing his game....come up and whisper in his ear.  I think I am pregnant.  I'm late.  (Odds are, he is too distracted by gaming and other things to pay attention to your cycle to know you are bluffing.  And if he does know, then maybe he is paying more attention to you than you realize.)

The reality of suddenly becoming a father can really wake up a guy.  He is forced to grow up in a hurry.  He is forced to evaluate the priorities in his life.  He may decide that there are things in life far more important than gaming.

In a week when your time of the month shows up, you can tell him that it was a false alarm.  You just started later than normal. 

He will be relieved, but you just rattled his nerves big time.  He has just spent a week stressing out about becoming a father.  It may be enough to make him remember that he has to share his time with you too.  And it will be in the back of his mind for some time that there is always a possibility that you could become pregnant at any time.

[TheTraveler]

Here is how you do it...

A week before your time of the month, when he is busy playing his game....come up and whisper in his ear.  I think I am pregnant.  I'm late.  (Odds are, he is too distracted by gaming and other things to pay attention to your cycle to know you are bluffing.  And if he does know, then maybe he is paying more attention to you than you realize.)

The reality of suddenly becoming a father can really wake up a guy.  He is forced to grow up in a hurry.  He is forced to evaluate the priorities in his life.  He may decide that there are things in life far more important than gaming.

In a week when your time of the month shows up, you can tell him that it was a false alarm.  You just started later than normal. 

He will be relieved, but you just rattled his nerves big time.  He has just spent a week stressing out about becoming a father.  It may be enough to make him remember that he has to share his time with you too.  And it will be in the back of his mind for some time that there is always a possibility that you could become pregnant at any time.

the best advice you can come up with... is suggesting that aloe assume the role of 'manipulative liar' to save her marriage?
 

[HiTech]

Aloe, It appears to me that your issue isn't that you want him to stop playing, but mostly that when you need him, he can not drop what he is doing, because he has committed some time to the friends he is currently playing with, and can't leave them hanging.

If this is the case, consider forgetting  about asking him to stop playing, but instead speak to him about how to scheduled his time so that both your needs are met. I.E. Just ask him to speak to you before he commits to a block of time playing in which he can not leave.

If I am going to play where I can not just drop what I am playing at, I ask Alyona if she needs me to do anything in the next hour or 2.

HiTech

[Slumba]

A week before your time of the month, when he is busy playing his game....come up and whisper in his ear.  I think I am pregnant.  I'm late.  (Odds are, he is too distracted by gaming and other things to pay attention to your cycle to know you are bluffing.  And if he does know, then maybe he is paying more attention to you than you realize.)

Mennonite and Amish folks place a lot of stock in the saying of Jesus, "Let your yes be yes, and your no be no."  They often do not take oaths even when testifying in court because they are charged to tell the truth all the time.

And this is your solution?  No wonder you didn't end up with a Mennonite girl who cooks food that schmecks gut!

[Misha]

Bee Farmer, I am confused. In one thread, you are clearly aghast at how people "lie" on dating sites, rounding down their weight by ten pounds or adding a couple of inches to their height, yet here you are promoting lying to a spouse where the consequences are much graver IMVHO. 

[ML]

Bee Farmer, I am confused. In one thread, you are clearly aghast at how people "lie" on dating sites, rounding down their weight by ten pounds or adding a couple of inches to their height, yet here you are promoting lying to a spouse where the consequences are much graver IMVHO.

And he is against lying, except if it is done by a FSUW; because if the man is foolish, then he deserves to be 'taken' and the women are only filling a market demand.

[Bee Farmer]

the best advice you can come up with... is suggesting that aloe assume the role of 'manipulative liar' to save her marriage?

I am not suggesting she lie.  There is a big difference between saying she is pregnant and saying that the possibility exists.

If a husband is not fulfilling his responsibilities and obligations as a husband, then a wife has the obligation and responsibility of giving him "encouragement" to be a good husband - by whatever means necessary.

Call it whatever you want - I call it being a good wife.

Bee Farmer, I am confused. In one thread, you are clearly aghast at how people "lie" on dating sites, rounding down their weight by ten pounds or adding a couple of inches to their height, yet here you are promoting lying to a spouse where the consequences are much graver IMVHO. 

I can see your confusion Misha.
You are unable to understand the difference between saying she is pregnant, and saying that the possibility exists.  One is a lie, and one is not.
Also, I was not aghast about people lying on website profiles.  That post was in a thread where people were ranting about FSUW profiles being fake - and I was pointing out the irony that so many people lie in US website profiles...but yet they hold FSUW to a higher standard.  Why do they throw a fit about fake FSUW profiles, but they aren't throwing a fit about US website profiles?  Why is it ok for us to lie, but it is not ok for FSU women to lie?
Go back and read the post you referred to, and see if it makes more sense now.

Aloe,
I would also like to suggest another piece of advice for you.  When you ask for advice, please consider the source.

Have you ever known anyone who kills every houseplant they get?  They get a plant, and it starts out looking fine.  They neglect to nurture the plant, and it begins to get sick and die.  They don't know how to nurse the plant back to health, so they throw it in the trash and get a new plant.  If you have a sick plant, would you ask this person for advice on how to nurse your plant back to health?  Of course not!  Because that is not their area of expertise.  They may have tons of knowledge on where to get the best deal on a new plant, or the best way to throw the old plant away.

So if your marriage needs some work to nurse it back to health, why would you ask divorced people for advice on marriage?  It is not their area of expertise.  If they knew how to make a marriage work, they would never have gotten divorced.  They may have great advice for how to find a new relationship, or tips on making a divorce go smoother, but they do not know how to nurture a relationship back to health.  All they know is how to destroy a marriage.

Divorced people will tell you with their mouth that they want you to be able to work things out, and may give you advice that seems well intentioned - but deep down, divorced people hate the thought of people being able to work through the problems in a marriage.  Because if other people can work through problems in a marriage, that forces them to admit that they could have worked harder to save their marriage.  They could have done more, and they may have been able to save it.  That is a very hard reality for people to confront - and it is much easier to try to encourage others to give up so that their marriage will fail.  That allows the divorced person to tell themselves that they are no different - that problems have to end in divorce.

There is only one reason that causes divorce - selfishness.  Divorce is about selfishness.  Marriage is supposed to be about what you will do for the other person - not what you are too selfish to do for them.

Find people who have never been divorced - it is those people who have knowledge of how to nurture a marriage back to health.

Aloe, I believe you said that hubby is always wanting what is fair.  What is fair to one, may not seem like what is fair to another.  People often want 50/50, but this doesn't work.  Try giving 80, and expecting 20.  When both people feel they are giving 80, and getting 20...it usually works out that they are doing 50/50.  Both feel like they are giving 80% and doing more than half, and are getting closer to the 20%.

Talk to your husband, and try doing the 80/20.  Both put forth 80% effort, expecting 20%.  If both try to give a little more, and expect a little less, that can help smooth out a lot of problems in a relationship.

[Ade]

You are unable to understand the difference between saying she is pregnant, and saying that the possibility exists.  One is a lie, and one is not.

No, you are suggesting she deliberately misleads her husband. Lying is not good in any marriage. In one with serious issues it can do nothing but harm.


Perhaps it's something you can't understand as you've never been in a marriage and, as far as I understand, only a limited number of real relationships.

[Ade]

Aloe,
I would also like to suggest another piece of advice for you.  When you ask for advice, please consider the source.

Have you ever known anyone who kills every houseplant they get?  They get a plant, and it starts out looking fine.  They neglect to nurture the plant, and it begins to get sick and die.  They don't know how to nurse the plant back to health, so they throw it in the trash and get a new plant.  If you have a sick plant, would you ask this person for advice on how to nurse your plant back to health?  Of course not!  Because that is not their area of expertise.  They may have tons of knowledge on where to get the best deal on a new plant, or the best way to throw the old plant away.

So if your marriage needs some work to nurse it back to health, why would you ask divorced people for advice on marriage?  It is not their area of expertise.  If they knew how to make a marriage work, they would never have gotten divorced.  They may have great advice for how to find a new relationship, or tips on making a divorce go smoother, but they do not know how to nurture a relationship back to health.  All they know is how to destroy a marriage.

Divorced people will tell you with their mouth that they want you to be able to work things out, and may give you advice that seems well intentioned - but deep down, divorced people hate the thought of people being able to work through the problems in a marriage.  Because if other people can work through problems in a marriage, that forces them to admit that they could have worked harder to save their marriage.  They could have done more, and they may have been able to save it.  That is a very hard reality for people to confront - and it is much easier to try to encourage others to give up so that their marriage will fail.  That allows the divorced person to tell themselves that they are no different - that problems have to end in divorce.

There is only one reason that causes divorce - selfishness.  Divorce is about selfishness.  Marriage is supposed to be about what you will do for the other person - not what you are too selfish to do for them.

Find people who have never been divorced - it is those people who have knowledge of how to nurture a marriage back to health.

Aloe, I believe you said that hubby is always wanting what is fair.  What is fair to one, may not seem like what is fair to another.  People often want 50/50, but this doesn't work.  Try giving 80, and expecting 20.  When both people feel they are giving 80, and getting 20...it usually works out that they are doing 50/50.  Both feel like they are giving 80% and doing more than half, and are getting closer to the 20%.

Talk to your husband, and try doing the 80/20.  Both put forth 80% effort, expecting 20%.  If both try to give a little more, and expect a little less, that can help smooth out a lot of problems in a relationship.

An unbelievable amount of tripe. 

Some of us divorced people understand fully, or at least partially, the mistakes we and our ex-wives made that led to our marriages failing and we've attempted to learn from them and grow. In other words, we have experience. Perhaps a few of us have even experienced some of the things Aloe is going through whereas you have little to go on but some crazy made up stuff and ideas of a man that appears to think sex is somehow dirty.

Go and date a few women if you can, perhaps experience in real life will help you gain some perspective and help you grow up.

[Misha]

I can see your confusion Misha.
You are unable to understand the difference between saying she is pregnant, and saying that the possibility exists.  One is a lie, and one is not.

You have quite the moral compass there, and trust me it is not meant as a compliment    If a woman says "the possibility exists" that she might be pregnant, when she knows fully well that she isn't, in my world that is still called a lie 

[Aloe]

Hi Aloe,
It sounds like hubby has some growing up to do, but that doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy.  It's unrealistic to think that a husband and wife are going to mature at exactly the same pace.

Is it possible that your husband is so distracted that he doesn't realize how much you are bothered?  It sounds like you are distancing yourselves from each other a little.  He may be happy playing his game, and you are off playing on the computer or watching tv, so he may think that everything is still pretty decent.

I would recommend getting a piece of paper, and making a list of all the good traits about your husband that attracted you to him.  What made you want to have a relationship with him?  What was it about him that made you want to marry him?  Now, does he still have those qualities and traits?  If he still has those qualities and traits, don't be too harsh on him if your expectations have changed.

There is a saying that everyone should think about before they get married.
A woman marries a man thinking that she can change him - but he doesn't change.
A man marries a woman thinking she won't change - and she does.

In regards to the gaming addiction, he has to want to change.  Trying to force him to change will only make him fight back harder, and end up resenting you.

I do have a couple suggestions for you though, to encourage him to want to change.

When he is gaming, pull up a chair and sit beside him the whole time.  If he asks you why you are there, tell him that he is your husband.  You love him and want to spend time with him.  If sitting beside him is the only way you get to spend enough time with him, then you are willing to sit with him while he plays.
Be sweet and loving when you tell him.  Odds are, it will annoy him enough and he will feel a little ashamed and he will end up turning the game off.

I would also encourage you to turn off the lights in the room he is playing games in.  Try to darken the room as much as possible.  This will cause eye strain and give him a headache.  When gaming becomes painful, it won't be as much fun anymore.

You may also want to adjust the screen settings on the monitor to cause eye strain too.

And you must also remember that you are a woman.  You hold an immense power.  Women have a weapon that can put fear into the heart of even the bravest man.  You may want to consider using this weapon.  Here is how you do it...

A week before your time of the month, when he is busy playing his game....come up and whisper in his ear.  I think I am pregnant.  I'm late.  (Odds are, he is too distracted by gaming and other things to pay attention to your cycle to know you are bluffing.  And if he does know, then maybe he is paying more attention to you than you realize.)

The reality of suddenly becoming a father can really wake up a guy.  He is forced to grow up in a hurry.  He is forced to evaluate the priorities in his life.  He may decide that there are things in life far more important than gaming.

In a week when your time of the month shows up, you can tell him that it was a false alarm.  You just started later than normal. 

He will be relieved, but you just rattled his nerves big time.  He has just spent a week stressing out about becoming a father.  It may be enough to make him remember that he has to share his time with you too.  And it will be in the back of his mind for some time that there is always a possibility that you could become pregnant at any time.

Hi Bee Farmer,
if i told him i'm pregnant, that would not only be miraculous, as we tried to get pregnant for 1 whole year, and then we stopped and i started taking birth control pills again, so what are the chances of my getting pregnant on pills while i didnt get pregnant during 1 year off pills? Anyway, not only miraculous, but he might get very happy.. Last week i told him i'm not sure i'm responsible enough to ever have kiddies, and he started convincing me that it is wonderful and totally worth it.. Then a couple days later we drove somewhere and he pointed to a kiddy skipping along on the sidewalk, and said: look how cute, don't you want that? So pretending to be pregnant is not only pointless, it would probably yield opposite results, because i also told him i'm not having any kiddies until he quits his game. So if i was pregnant he'd probably not only be unbelieving but also excited and try to get as much playtime in as possible
But you have a point, i had a list of 24 characteristics i made for fun as something i want in a hubby, well he had 23 of those, and still does, it's just that i realized that i need more than that. 
Oh, and if i sit and watch him play he will be happy. And no, it wont make him stop. I often watch him play, it's horribly boring, but sometimes i just feel like it. And when we had just one PC, his ideal playing arrangement was him playing and me watching. Cuz he likes the attention.

[Aloe]

Anyway, hubby isnt the problem, i know that now. Im like 95% of the problem. I dont know what i want, and what i do know i want is quite possibly very impossible to achieve, so that thought makes me extra unhappy, and the thought of slaving for the rest of my life behind some desk is adding to the depressive thinking, and now i dont even think i ever want children, cuz im horrible and irresponsible, and also i feel like a giant failure in general. Sigh.

[Hammer2722]

Aloe, I think more than anything else, you need counseling. You most definitely have self-esteem issues. Until you can deal with that, nothing else that anyone here recommends is going to help you. 

[Aloe]

I'm just sick of all the responsibilities.. I constantly feel guilty, like every minute of the day. Guilty for not studying all the time, guilty for not cleaning enough and guilty for not cooking every day, and guilty for not being a good wife, and guilty for not meeting his expectations of a good wife. Basically there is like 3 million things i'm supposed to do, and i'm sick of it all and don't wanna do a single thing.

[Aloe]

i just wanna crawl into some dark hole and sit there, all alone and miserable. And let the hole be a total complete freakin pigsty. Cuz i'm sick of cleaning and washing and being expected to clean and wash and feeling guilty when im not cleaning and washing.

[Slumba]

i just wanna crawl into some dark hole and sit there, all alone and miserable. And let the hole be a total complete freakin pigsty. Cuz i'm sick of cleaning and washing and being expected to clean and wash and feeling guilty when im not cleaning and washing.

The only thing that will fix this feeling is to accomplish one small task after another, do it right, then do another task.  Then take a brisk walk.  Then come home and do one more task, then reward yourself with (something).

[Aloe]

The only thing that will fix this feeling is to accomplish one small task after another, do it right, then do another task.  Then take a brisk walk.  Then come home and do one more task, then reward yourself with (something).

and there is still 3 million tasks waiting ahead, and they never end, they just pile up and pile up, and when i complete some task, im still burdened by the 3 milliion other tasks, and the thought that when im done with 3 milliion tasks; a new 3 milliion will be dispatched my way, and it enver ends

[Misha]

I'm just sick of all the responsibilities.. I constantly feel guilty, like every minute of the day.

I agree that you should see a counsellor to help you sort through all of this.

Guilty for not studying all the time, guilty for not cleaning enough and guilty for not cooking every day

You shouldn't feel guilty for not studying all the time, all you have to do is study sufficiently to learn and hopefully do well in your courses. However, this is more easily accomplished when you are motivated and hopefully enjoy what you do. As for cooking, my wife does not cook every day, nor would I expect her to do all the cooking. We take turns. Some days I cook, other days she cooks. We have come to an understanding as to how to share the household tasks.

and guilty for not being a good wife, and guilty for not meeting his expectations of a good wife.

Is your husband the one telling you that you are not a good wife or is this what you are telling yourself?