Sad day

[fathertime]

Happiness and motivation IMHO come from the self and do not depend on others.

To an extent that is undoubtedly true since the decision has to come from within...but I also believe that motivation can be contagious and not necessarily completely innate.   
Now speaking for myself and possibly some others: Some women motivated me to go above and beyond and put out extra effort.   I think that is what it takes to keep many marriages going in the right direction.  Looking far back at myself as I was as a much younger person, once that drive was lost, it didn’t bode well for the marriage. 
Again, I’m not blaming any of the players in the story Aloe is telling, just putting one of many possible explanations on the table…from one man’s perspective.


All these minor disagreements and complaints Aloe talks of are NOT WHAT IS REALLY bothering him, IMO, they are excuses and cover stories.   


Fathertime!   

[Aloe]

He also said he doesn't like that i never stick to any plan. That is so unappreciative of all the effort i've done here. It was 4 years that i have been here last week. In 4 yrs time ive learned a new language from 0, and am almost done receiving a degree in this language (2 yrs out of 3 done). When ppl find this out, they are always amazed and compliment me on my motivation and ability. When i first began in this university, professors said i had no chance of passing, and that in 30 yrs they've never seen a foreigner who studied dutch for less than 6 years pass the exams, but i passed them all. Apparently hubby calls this not sticking to any plan.. I find that i've done an amazing job sticking to this. Incredible effort for me and a feat of discipline (for me), but apparently unappreciated. Hubby says it comes easy to me without any work or effort. I feel like my efforts are kind of unappreciated.
Surely, sometimes i get excited and come up with all sorts of ideas of moving to england/canada/australia/thailand/america, but just because i change my mind about the future, doesn't mean i'm not sticking to a plan I am doing something and have been doing something towards the same end result for 4 years now (getting a degree), i think that's plenty of sticking.

[GQBlues]

I asked hubby today what does he not like about me, he said that i don't clean and cook enough, my tone sometimes, and that im bossy and uncompromising. The first three i wholeheartedly agree, but with the last two i completely disagree. I'm like the opposite of bossy, i never make him do anything.. And i have compromised a lot. He didn't wanna live in a city, so both times we looked for an apartment i agreed that we live in a village. And we always do what he wants to do.. He says lets watch tv, ok so we watch tv, he says let's play a board game, ok we play board game. But when i say let's go for a walk, its no. But when he says let's do something, we always do it.
I wanted chairs of different color, but he wanted these so we got these. I didn't want one apartment we visited at all, not even a little, but he wanted it so we signed up for it.
I wanna go to one restaurant, but he wants to go to another, so we go to his choice. And he never ever ever ever ever wears what i want him to wear (on a very rare occasion that i want him to). He gets angry if i try to influence his clothes choice. I wear boots and skirts to please him though.
And he calls me uncompromising. Sigh.

When things are bad in your marriage, Aloe...the words above resonate so much within these hallways. But at the same time, when things are relatively 'good', you seem giddiest of all.
 
I hope you take this in the manner it is intended. You've done nothing but paint your hubby - someone who can actually raise your spirituality and self to some fairly high elevated heights -  and your marriage to him, so unfavorably. You're doing your own marriage an injustice.
 
That's one...
 
...the second is, while there's value in posting to release some of your anxiety, please remember and make sure to carefully weigh out whatever *wisdom* and *relationship advice* you get out of this board. That's akin to walking into a bar full of drunks and asking them what's the best way to kick the disease.

[BillyB]

Apparently i don't motivate him, and he doesn't motivate me. And we can't communicate.
I need someone with lots more initiative, cuz i have little.

If you want a man to be motivated and able to take care of business in the house, you too have to be motivated and have your act together otherwise you may be in another failed relationship. Your husband is lazy and you admit to not cleaning up enough. Living in a pig pen is depressing and coupled with the other problems you both have it's even more depressing.


If you both really want to save your marriage, start improving yourself instead of expecting your partner to make the first move. Also stop using the "divorce" word as a weapon.

[Ooooops]

Aloe, what do you want?   Do you want to stay married to this guy, who you have very little good to say about?   

[pokerintherear]

1. Turn off the computer
2. Turn off the internet
3. Turn off the TV
4. Turn off the cable

[SANDRO43]

Apparently i don't motivate him, and he doesn't motivate me. And we can't communicate.

Which sounds to be a final indicting verdict on your current spousal relationship, unless I'm mistaken ?

I need someone with lots more initiative, cuz i have little. And more skilled in communication with his spouse.

Aloe, don't make the fatal mistake some of us may have made in their younger days, of thinking that some external agency/person/situation might be the ultimate key to finally unleash our presumed awesome but thitherto hidden/untapped potential .

While an external help may be of temporary value, nevertheless one can ultimately rely only on oneself to achieve one's desired objective, and work should start there regardless .

I cannot nor will I give you any specific advice on your current situation, that's up to you to handle - it'd be presemptuous and ill informed of me otherwise .

[Anotherkiwi]

Hubby wants a divorce! Yesterday we had a minor argument and today he came home and was all cold and distant and wants a divorce.
What a total communication fail. I fail at some of it too, but he fails so much more at it!

Good!  I don't actually care how good or bad a husband he is but, if even half of what you've posted in the last few years is accurate, you should have left a long time ago, especially after he choked you.  He doesn't seem to want a wife or a marriage - he wants a servant.  I don't care how "pretty" he is, or the redeeming qualities that you've said in the past that he has - let him get on with his life, and you try to get on with yours.  With luck, you will be able to start posting positive things much more frequently than you've managed in the past, and that's what we all want to see.
 
Sorry, BillyB, but I don't think this one is worth saving.  When it gets to the stage where at least one spouse, if not both, despises the other, "on the rocks" is an understatement.
 

Aloe, what do you want?   Do you want to stay married to this guy, who you have very little good to say about?   

Exactly my point!  Why bother?
 

Which sounds to be a final indicting verdict on your current spousal relationship, unless I'm mistaken ?Aloe, don't make the fatal mistake some of us may have made in their younger days, of thinking that some external agency/person/situation might be the ultimate key to finally unleash our presumed awesome but thitherto hidden/untapped potential .
While an external help may be of temporary value, nevertheless one can ultimately rely only on oneself to achieve one's desired objective, and work should start there regardless .

+1

I cannot nor will I give you any specific advice on your current situation, that's up to you to handle - it'd be presemptuous and ill informed of me otherwise .

I'm sure you mean "presumptuous"    (gotcha!), and normally I would agree, but I want to see a happy (or at least happier) little bunny dancing around Belgium, rather than one who struggles to even get out of bed in the morning because she's so damn depressed by her current situation.

[SANDRO43]

I'm sure you mean "presumptuous"   (gotcha!)

Guilty as charged, I cannot even claim Italian as an attenuating circumstance - it's presuntuoso here . May I attribute it to a temporary keyboard glitch ?

[Misha]

While many successful people are self-motivated, most people respond favorably to peer pressure,  teamwork, good leaders, etc.

True, the ideal is a self-motivated person in an environment where that enthusiasm will be properly guided and amplified. Of course, it is necessary to avoid those toxic people that will seek to demotivate others and will undermine their confidence IMVHO...

[Misha]

I don't want a guy to "entertain me". I want a guy who would be interested in doing something, hence show initiative (suggest to do something). All hubby wants to do together is watch tv and play a board game sometimes.

He is interested in something, but you seem to either not know what you are want to do or have different interests. Ideally, one should know this before getting married 

[Ooooops]

While many successful people are self-motivated, most people respond favorably to peer pressure,  teamwork, good leaders, etc.

And there are two sides to this medal - peer pressure and leadership can lead to where you want to follow , but also it can take you to the totally opposite direction, as we can see what is happening to Aloe.   So, to go where you wanna go you either have to join team with similar goals or to become a leader yourself.   

[Aloe]

Nope, it's done and over with. I stopped respecting him a long time ago, after several of those kind of arguments. And i haven't got my respect for him back. I want someone i can respect and admire.

[GoodOlBoy]

I stopped respecting him a long time ago, after several of those kind of arguments.

I really want to say something to any NEWBIES out there who may be reading this sad thread.
 
This is no exaggeration. I have personally come in contact with HUNDREDS of divorced FSUW over the last 5 years here in Sunny Isles Beach.
 
The one common thing that all of them have expressed to me over the years is what Aloe just stated: "I stopped respecting him".
 
Don't ever make the mistake of ignoring these words, because once they are stated by a RW, the marriage/relationship in their mind is over. PERIOD!
 
To give a Newbie an idea of how serious these words are, I have NEVER heard one FSUW say the words: "He won me back" NEVER!
 
RW detest "harsh tones", "loud voices", "raising your voice over hers" and "arguing".
 
To them, this behavior is so disrespectful.
 
I also humbly submit on this one point, that American Women are much more forgiving.
 
GOB

FWIW.... I always look my wife straight in the eyes when she/we are talking, always!

[Aloe]

It wasn't about loud voices or arguing as a concept. Arguing is a necessary part of a relationship, but it has to be constructive and the sides have to be communicating during an argument.


However, when people start threatening with divorce unless they get their way, and start using their size for physical dominance to make a point, that's when the other will lose respect. A person who does that isn't someone i can respect. 

[Patagonie]

Goob
Good post.
I lot of guys don't understand that love come with respect, and continues with the same. If a woman looses respect for you you loose her, just question of time.
During the dating phase a lot of guys want to win her but they don't realise that they do it under circumstances where they are decreasing their value.

[Gator]

Of course, it is necessary to avoid those toxic people that will seek to demotivate others and will undermine their confidence IMVHO...

Your opinion is the exact truth and not humble. 
 
In an organization where teamwork is critical, these people are a cancer and it is best to eliminate them promptly regardless of their other qualities.  Easily done in a private company.  Not so easy in a large organization.
 
In a marriage...........that is a different story. 
 

[die_cast]

Nope, it's done and over with. I stopped respecting him a long time ago, after several of those kind of arguments. And i haven't got my respect for him back. I want someone i can respect and admire.

Then tell him that you want a divorce too. And start planning your life without him.
And be ready that he will want you back. This will be long story again.

[Gator]

 
To give a Newbie an idea of how serious these words are, I have NEVER heard one FSUW say the words: "He won me back" NEVER!
 

Brilliant observation GOB.  Neither have I come to think about it.
 
Once  a RW makes a decision to move on, the man is history as if he vaporized into the air.   Perhaps there are professional marriage counselors in the FSU.  If they exist I imagine their turnaround success rate is not higher than 5%. 
 
We do not know hubby's true sentiments.  Aloe seems more accommodating than many, yet you can tell she is at the edge of her limits.  I hope she is not another Lyudmila Putin.
 

FWIW.... I always look my wife straight in the eyes when she/we are talking, always!

 
I believe RW want and respect serious conversations.   Russians invented modern interrogation, so shifty eyes would never work.  Nevertheless,  if a normal person is relaxed their eyes will involuntarily shift as the conversation  lights up the cognitive, memory, pleasure, etc. parts of the brain. 
 
I always thought a RW would make a good cop. 

[Muzh]

I really want to say something to any NEWBIES out there who may be reading this sad thread.
 
This is no exaggeration. I have personally come in contact with HUNDREDS of divorced FSUW over the last 5 years here in Sunny Isles Beach.
 
The one common thing that all of them have expressed to me over the years is what Aloe just stated: "I stopped respecting him".
 
Don't ever make the mistake of ignoring these words, because once they are stated by a RW, the marriage/relationship in their mind is over. PERIOD!
 
To give a Newbie an idea of how serious these words are, I have NEVER heard one FSUW say the words: "He won me back" NEVER!
 
RW detest "harsh tones", "loud voices", "raising your voice over hers" and "arguing".
 
To them, this behavior is so disrespectful.
 
I also humbly submit on this one point, that American Women are much more forgiving.
 
GOB

FWIW.... I always look my wife straight in the eyes when she/we are talking, always!

GOB, not disagreeing with what you said, however, let's consider something.


Why did she stopped respecting him? And this goes way before the choking incident.


You don't think that the mansion und the yacht had something to do with it?


Bottom line is that she had a very different idea of what SHE wanted out of this marriage and the husband never met the expectations. Boy, been there and done that.


I remember when my ex would joke with her friends about how much she loved me. Let me count the cars was her response. I think the final straw with her was that we didn't move to Manhattan and bought a flat and hired a live-in maid.


LMFAO


Talk about delusional.


Aloe, I'm not accusing you of being delusional. However, you are a very short skip and a hop from getting there.

[Faux Pas]

I really want to say something to any NEWBIES out there who may be reading this sad thread.
 
This is no exaggeration. I have personally come in contact with HUNDREDS of divorced FSUW over the last 5 years here in Sunny Isles Beach.
 
The one common thing that all of them have expressed to me over the years is what Aloe just stated: "I stopped respecting him".
 
Don't ever make the mistake of ignoring these words, because once they are stated by a RW, the marriage/relationship in their mind is over. PERIOD!
 
To give a Newbie an idea of how serious these words are, I have NEVER heard one FSUW say the words: "He won me back" NEVER!
 
RW detest "harsh tones", "loud voices", "raising your voice over hers" and "arguing".
 
To them, this behavior is so disrespectful.
 
I also humbly submit on this one point, that American Women are much more forgiving.
 
GOB

FWIW.... I always look my wife straight in the eyes when she/we are talking, always!

I've known 2 RW in America that do not fit your stereo type GOB. One just recently filed for divorce but left in the middle of the night fearing for her life. She lost all respect for the guy but wanted desperately to make the marriage work. They have a small child.

Another still lives with the husband but doesn't love or respect him. She says she still hopes that someday she will. I caution you my friend, don't attempt to paint all RW with the same brush

[Aloe]

GOB, not disagreeing with what you said, however, let's consider something.


Why did she stopped respecting him? And this goes way before the choking incident.


You don't think that the mansion und the yacht had something to do with it?


Bottom line is that she had a very different idea of what SHE wanted out of this marriage and the husband never met the expectations. Boy, been there and done that.


I remember when my ex would joke with her friends about how much she loved me. Let me count the cars was her response. I think the final straw with her was that we didn't move to Manhattan and bought a flat and hired a live-in maid.


LMFAO


Talk about delusional.


Aloe, I'm not accusing you of being delusional. However, you are a very short skip and a hop from getting there.

i will tell you exactly when and why.. When he got in the habit of saying "vacuum or divorce", and "tan or divroce". He also took me by the collar and shook me then, also pushed in those times. Thats when and why.
Do  you seriously honestly think that i, marrying a person who i knew was unemployed for years beforehand, living with his mother, and only recently had found a job for 1200 euro a month, do you honestly think that i expected a mansion and a yacht?? Srsly..

[GoodOlBoy]

GOB, not disagreeing with what you said, however, let's consider something.

Hey Muzh.
I really wasn't addressing Aloe and her particular situation.
The post was meant more for Newbies, seriously.
It was just those words Aloe used: "I stopped respecting him..."
Have you ever had alarm bells go off in your head when your heard something familiar?
Well, after reading Aloe's post, they were ringing loud and clear this morning in my head. 
I am sure that you have also been in contact with quite a few divorced FSUW in your lifetime, maybe you also heard this phrase tossed around by them?
 
What I am really curious about is your opinion on this statement I made: "I also humbly submit on this one point, that American Women are much more forgiving."
 
Agree or disagree?
 
GOB

[GoodOlBoy]

I've known 2 RW in America that do not fit your stereo type GOB. One just recently filed for divorce but left in the middle of the night fearing for her life. She lost all respect for the guy but wanted desperately to make the marriage work. They have a small child.

Another still lives with the husband but doesn't love or respect him. She says she still hopes that someday she will. I caution you my friend, don't attempt to paint all RW with the same brush

Your experiences are obviously different than mine FP.
But I guess that is why we are all here? Right? 
 
No indictment against my marriage or disrespect meant to my beautiful wife Marina, BUT  there are so many divorced/single FSU ladies here where I live, that if I knew back in 04' what I know now, I would have started dating locally here in Sunny Isles Beach and probably married locally.
 
After all, this place is only 51 miles from where I used to live.
A hell of a lot closer than Omsk. For sure! 
 
No kidding, I jog almost every morning on the beach (easy on the knees) and I am always bumping into a new FSU lady. They are everywhere and very friendly. They are always eager to learn English and our "lingo/slang". They like to walk and jog on the beach also!
 
Some of their stories about being married to AM are pretty scary and some just didn't work out.

But their common mantra: "I stopped respecting him..."

It's almost haunting.
 
GOB

[Misha]

I agree with FP. Why would it be a common mantra to say to a stranger? Easy, it makes the person sound better than a host of other reasons as it shifts all the blame to the other, sometimes rightly sometimes less so...