Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[jmana]

Gator, IMNSHO, this will be like adding gas to the fire. The mother will go ballistic.
 
Edit: Don't get me wrong. This would be the sane thing to do.

Well I already brought it up, not just because of her behavior, but because of her language issues.  It seems to me there might be some underlying reason why she waited till she was 4 to begin speaking.  When I visited them it was obvious she knew what her mother was saying to her, and I had a feeling she could reply back but just wouldn't.  Now I'm almost wondering if she was using her lack of speaking as a way to manipulate her mom.  So anyway, Alina had said that she might need to see a speech therapist, and I told her I didn't think that would do any good (because she can speak just fine, when she wants to), and I said I think she might need to see a child psychologist because it seems like there is something going on behaviorwise that is keeping her from talking, and Alina didn't even respond.  Not exactly ballistic, but not receptive to the idea either. 

[Hammer2722]

Jmana, your first action here is to engage your fiance in a very long and detailed conversation about her daughter's behavior and what both of your expectations as a family are going to be. If she is unwilling to discuss any of this this with you then I believe your relationship with her will not last long.Get those return tickets ready......

[Wayne]

If a child cannot get attention by doing something good, she will do a bad thing to get attention. If you give the child a lot of attention for doing the bad thing, you are reinforcing that bad behavior!
 
Now if you catch the child doing a good thing, and give her attention and love, you would be reinforcing the good behavior.
 
It seems like the way you are reacting to the child is part of your problem. 

[jone]

The behavior the child exhibits is a subset of the behavior of children.  She is not going to grow out of it immediately.  But she will eventually grow out of it.  I have seen this before with families.  It is a shock to see it from the outside, but some children cannot adjust to various aspects of their lives.

The best advice you've been given is to figure out things that can bind you to this lovely child in the making; walks, bike rides (a tricycle would be appropriate) wagon rides. 

This, obviously, is not the agreement you signed up for.  But there are two things I would insist on:  1.  Your wife sleeps in your bed.  If that means her daughter sleeps there too, it is your wife's problem.  2.  Your wife needs to explain to you what she is telling her daughter and enlist you in making the same corrections. 

You're gonna need a lot more patience than you have previously shown.  This is the big leagues for parenting. 

[Gator]

I can't speak to the girl, other than to tell her "no", she doesn't understand English.  And when I do tell her no she gets pissed and either hits me or does what she wants anyway.   

Saying  "NO" all the time, especially in a huffy voice,  makes you the bogeyman in the little girl's eyes.  Take a more positive approach. 


In a way I admire the little girl's spunk in not being intimidated by you.  Who knows what you have on your hands.  If intelligent, she could be a class leader with unlimited future.  Presume such promise rather than the devil's seed.  Look for the delightful things she does, the positive things mentioned in Wayne's post. I mentioned early that you need to catch Maria doing something right and then praise her.


Rather than being the bogeyman by saying "NO," how about bribing her.  After dinner just the two of you go out and buy ice cream - one of those places where she can taste different flavors and choose what she likes best.  Another time bring home an assortment of candies and let her choose a couple, saving the rest for later.


Now you mention she is a late-talker.  A complicated issue and one suggesting a children's psychologist.  But first save some money by you and Alina developing a united front.


Because Maria is a late bloomer, I surmise she has hit her terrible twos when four.  A bad joke, sorry.


Maybe next year you will post here about the sweet joy Maria brings to your life.

[Muzh]

Well I already brought it up, not just because of her behavior, but because of her language issues.  It seems to me there might be some underlying reason why she waited till she was 4 to begin speaking.  When I visited them it was obvious she knew what her mother was saying to her, and I had a feeling she could reply back but just wouldn't.  Now I'm almost wondering if she was using her lack of speaking as a way to manipulate her mom.  So anyway, Alina had said that she might need to see a speech therapist, and I told her I didn't think that would do any good (because she can speak just fine, when she wants to), and I said I think she might need to see a child psychologist because it seems like there is something going on behaviorwise that is keeping her from talking, and Alina didn't even respond.  Not exactly ballistic, but not receptive to the idea either.

Okay, here's the best advice I have for you.
 
STOP dismissing what the mother has to say about her child.
 
In this case and in a supportive way agree to see a speech therapist and let the therapist tell her what are the next steps.

[Muzh]

Jmana, your first action here is to engage your fiance in a very long and detailed conversation about her daughter's behavior and what both of your expectations as a family are going to be. If she is unwilling to discuss any of this this with you then I believe your relationship with her will not last long.Get those return tickets ready......

DUH!! Here's another one.
 
WHY the tickets??
 
Ah yes. His commitment to the 40 quarters. Oops. Nobody thinks about that. Business deal gone sour, right?

[Muzh]

Rather than being the bogeyman by saying "NO," how about bribing her.  After dinner just the two of you go out and buy ice cream - one of those places where she can taste different flavors and choose what she likes best.  Another time bring home an assortment of candies and let her choose a couple, saving the rest for later.

Shirley, you can't be serious.
 
Ice cream? In the middle of Pennsylvania winter?
 
You want her mother to call the police?
 
Police? My husband iz tryeeng to kill my daughter by forceeng her to have pneumonia.

[Faux Pas]

Shirley, you can't be serious.
 
Ice cream? In the middle of Pennsylvania winter?
 
You want her mother to call the police?
 
Police? My husband iz tryeeng to kill my daughter by forceeng her to have pneumonia.

I believe he is in the DC area but, you are correct. Although I think Gator was referring more to the general concept and using ice cream as an example. However, I'm confident Gator can speak for himself

[Muzh]

I believe he is in the DC area but, you are correct. Although I think Gator was referring more to the general concept and using ice cream as an example. However, I'm confident Gator can speak for himself

FP, I know. I was trying to inject a little humor. 

[jmana]

I believe he is in the DC area but, you are correct. Although I think Gator was referring more to the general concept and using ice cream as an example. However, I'm confident Gator can speak for himself

NC actually

[jmana]

DUH!! Here's another one.
 
WHY the tickets??
 
Ah yes. His commitment to the 40 quarters. Oops. Nobody thinks about that. Business deal gone sour, right?

What's that mean?

[Faux Pas]

FP, I know. I was trying to inject a little humor. 

So was I but, my delivery often sucks 

[Muzh]

DUH!! Here's another one.
 
WHY the tickets??
 
Ah yes. His commitment to the 40 quarters. Oops. Nobody thinks about that. Business deal gone sour, right?

What's that mean?

 
Can someone explain this to him. I don't want to sound like I'm the angel of death.

[Wayne]

If you are married and applied for change of status, you have signed a form with USCIS about supporting your wife and step child.
 
If the child is 4 and not talking, I would suggest having her hearing tested first. You need to rule out any possible physical problems. A Russian speaking speach theripist might be difficult to find if you are not in a large city.
 
Are there other children for the girl to play with? How would she get along with other kids?

[Faux Pas]

If you are married and applied for change of status, you have signed a form with USCIS about supporting your wife and step child.
 

He signed that with the K-1 affidavit of support

[Gator]

My thinking about the ice cream. 


The daughter is too short to see the different flavors.  An English explanation will not work.  So jmana has to pick her up and hold her is his arms as she leans over and examines each flavor.  Giving her a sample of 2-3 will seal the deal.


In raising children I was always amazed by how some little things were remembered years later and discussed fondly.


When young I took my sons on an annual summer trip.  One summer was Halls of Fame.   Drove all over the Northeast.  Toured the Trade Towers and Chinatown too.  What is their strongest memory from this trip?  One afternoon when getting gas, I bought them each an energy drink (years ago when these first hit the market).   Prior to consuming the beverage, I asked them to participate in a science experiment by observing each other's behavior.  They mentioned that for years.  Real Peking duck never.


BTW, we enjoy ice cream in the Tampa winter.

[jmana]

If you are married and applied for change of status, you have signed a form with USCIS about supporting your wife and step child.
 
If the child is 4 and not talking, I would suggest having her hearing tested first. You need to rule out any possible physical problems. A Russian speaking speach theripist might be difficult to find if you are not in a large city.
 
Are there other children for the girl to play with? How would she get along with other kids?

She can hear just fine, trust me on that one    She actually seems to get along with other children just fine.  I had some people over last friday and the one person had a daughter a little older, but despite the language difference they seemed to be good friends by the end of the night.  And Sunday we went to the Orthodox church and she found a boy her age to sword fight with sticks outside, she won, I'm glad the poor kid wasn't injured.

[Gator]

And Sunday we went to the Orthodox church and she found a boy her age to sword fight with sticks outside, she won, I'm glad the poor kid wasn't injured.

Of course,  you were not surprised!




You are blessed with being the father of the future Superwoman, taking shit from no man.  Enjoy it as you watch her grow. Somewhere there is a middle ground.

[BillyB]

Jmana, When I met my ex wife(Ukrainian) in the States in the late 90's, she had a son 2 1/2 years old. He was angry and jealous of me when I first visited his mom and took her out on dates. I stealing attention from him by getting involved with the most important person in his life. I would bring him a small toy each time I'd see him and only then he'd approach me, take the toy, and walk away without showing any gratitude. After a while, he became happy to see me and only then I could influence how he behaved and grows. You will not be able to influence how your step daughter grows unless you gain her trust or become a tyrant to the points she does things you ask out of fear.


My son, like your daughter didn't speak any English. One day, while driving down the road, he all of a sudden said "Look over there!" in English. Your daughter will absorb information although it seems things aren't progressing. She will hear you and your wife talk in English and one day begin to speak. If you put her in daycare, she will learn even faster. Trying to be like the other kids, she will then reject her mother's language so it's important for momma to keep teaching on her end.


Your daughter is rejecting you and throwing temper tantrums and it's not because she's living in a new country. It's too early for you to discipline her with any success. That is your wife's job and it's disappointing to see she's already opposing your disciplinary measures by ending the "time out" on the couch the daughter must endure for bad behavior. If one parent doesn't agree with the discipline of the other parent, that must be discussed away from the child but in front of the child the parents should be unified and supportive of each others decision.


Your daughter is not the problem. I see nothing bad with your daughter that can't be quickly reversed. The problem is with your wife and she doesn't seem like a team player. This is the time to be the MAN in the house. Have a talk with your wife. Tell her that it's important they work together to build a family and if that doesn't happen, the family will break down and fall apart. Get your wife off the computer. It's apparent your wife doesn't give you undivided attention when you speak to her but chooses to keep some of her focus on her anime cartoons.


I don't know if you're married yet or soon to be married but this is a good time to get things on track even if you have to give an ultimatum. Don't let problems drag on for years. It'll only become harder to correct. Everybody must adjust their lives when bringing in a new person life. You being the MAN need to take the first steps and lead by example. If you have a habit of hanging out with the boys and working on your toys, you need to cut back and give more of your time to the family. Take your wife and daughter out more. See a kids movie, go for a walk in the park, visit a playground full of kids and watch the daughter play and interact with other kids. Take a long scenic drive to the mountains, lakes or ocean. Go camping. You don't have to spend a fortune to do family oriented activities. Give your wife a reason to get off the computer and show her there are better things in life other than anime. Don't be afraid to talk to your wife. If she cares about you, she'll respond accordingly to your concerns and in the end, she'll respect you more for being a man and see value in you as a husband.


On another note, in my dozen times to the FSU, I've never seen so many people eat ice cream even in the winter. Look in any McDonald's and one of the most popular items bought is ice cream.

[jmana]

Well she seems happy to see me when I get home at least.  She runs to the door to greet me (something her mom doesn't do).  And I thought she was learning to speak English, every time she wanted something from me she would say "dadda", so I thought she thought I was now her dad, but after a couple days of this I just began to respond to her when she would say it and then Alina said "I don't know why she says this word, it's not even a word, it means nothing"


The ice cream thing is weird.  One day we were out and I asked about getting ice cream, she said to me "it's too cold to eat ice cream" like I was crazy for even suggesting it, but then over the weekend she wanted to stop and get a milkshake, and a lava cake with ice cream (and french fries) for lunch    And she proceeded to dip the fries in the ice cream, strangest thing I've ever seen in my life. 

[justme100]

Jmana,I agree with BillyB, you have problems with Alina, not with her daughter. I'm of the same age as she and my son is also 4 years old, so I can easily put myself into her shoes. It's really her job to make you and her daughter to become friends ans she seems too absorbed in her viber world( 4 year old not speaking is a nonsence! Why she didn't consulted speach therapist earlier? in this age children here already can read, and she is not talking yet.Was she not concerned about this fact previously?
Well, back to Alina and you...from what can be seen from your words your relationships don't look promising much. Do I understand you correctly that Alina and her daughter sleep apart and you sleep alone?Or you all 3 sleep in one bad? Alina doesn't meet you when you come back hone from work, she listens to you with one earphone in her ear still being in her laptop....do you see any signs that she is into you at all?I don't see any from what you have told us here. I try to imagine myself on her place, the man that I like and was waiting long to be together with comes from work and I keep surfing Internet...and it's only two weeks after we started living together...something is wrong there,Jmana

[FredC]

Jmana, you seem quite overwhelmed by your current situation, i don't blame you. Now lets put you in the shoes of your stepdaughter. Think how overwhelmed she is. She has been taken away from everyone and everything that she knows, except for mom. You say mom is ignoring her in favor of her computer. She has this strange man introduced into her life that also wants attention from her mom. She cannot communicate with this man. Even if they could communicate, hers is the vocabulary of a 4 year old.
 
She is only doing what comes natural to any child that can only express her frustration physically. I agree with the advice that you need to give her positive reenforcement whenever possible. Like others have said, take time to bond with her, watch some cartoons. If you have to watch some Russian ones online so that she will understand the language. I assume that you speak no Russian, so have Alina start teaching you a few simple phrases.It will also help the two of you bond and get her off the computer. Become proactive instead of reactive.

[Muzh]

Well, back to Alina and you...from what can be seen from your words your relationships don't look promising much. Do I understand you correctly that Alina and her daughter sleep apart and you sleep alone?Or you all 3 sleep in one bad? Alina doesn't meet you when you come back hone from work, she listens to you with one earphone in her ear still being in her laptop....do you see any signs that she is into you at all?I don't see any from what you have told us here. I try to imagine myself on her place, the man that I like and was waiting long to be together with comes from work and I keep surfing Internet...and it's only two weeks after we started living together...something is wrong there,Jmana

That's because she dips her fries in the icecream.

[Shadow]

While parenting by TV is not the thing to do continuously, I can suggest that putting your stepdaugher (and Alina) on a daily program of Children's TV suitable for her age will allow her to pick up English at record speed.
With ShadowJr we put on a lot of Cbeebies as they have a great program for children (that even parents enjoy as other kind of comedy) until we noticed his English became near perfect. Then we decided a switch to more local languages was desired to get him ready for school. Nowadays at nearly 5 he mostly enjoys the Discovery channel (medical and nature programs are favourite) and surprises his teachers with what he picked up. For instance his knowledge about the working of bacteries made the teacher fall from her chair.

Your stepdaughter will pick up anything she sees and hears like a sponge, and just because she may not react immediately does not mean she does not understand or does not take in the information. I noticed multiple times that when MrsShadow told something ShadowJr stood without any word, seemingly not understanding, only to repeat the full words with correct meaning a little while later to his  brother.

Remember that children take in any information and have capacity to store it fully. This includes bad things.