Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[Shadow]

Jmana, is there any significant age difference between you and Alina? I am asking this because of the word her daughter used.
What you described as 'Dadda' could easily have been the Russian word "Djeda" which means Grandpa. Of course Alina would not want you to know what she was saying, there for she would tell it was not an existing word.
Do not expect Alina to change her behaviour after marriage. While there can be transient priorities she should wish to be with you, not be happy to be making excuses.

[jmana]

Jmana, is there any significant age difference between you and Alina? I am asking this because of the word her daughter used.
What you described as 'Dadda' could easily have been the Russian word "Djeda" which means Grandpa. Of course Alina would not want you to know what she was saying, there for she would tell it was not an existing word.
Do not expect Alina to change her behaviour after marriage. While there can be transient priorities she should wish to be with you, not be happy to be making excuses.

Less than 9 years, but I could definitely see why she would call me that because Alina's stepdad is only a few years older than me (apparently he likes cougars) and Maria and him had a close relationship.

[Faux Pas]

When I visited her I stayed in a hotel and we'd only spend time together during the day and always with her daughter or her family.

I am almost wondering if she's just afraid of romance.  I know there were times I wrote to her saying that I wished I were there so I could kiss her again and she'd reply that she is too shy to talk about it.  And the anime stuff she's into is completely asexual.  Even the Japanese boy stuff doesn't really have a sexual aspect to it.  She writes on twitter about how beautiful these boys are, but nothing else.  And these are Japanese boy bands and fake tennis teams, that's what she's into.  So I am wondering if she has some issues to deal with too.  Would have been nice to know all this before, but I'm going to make the best of it all :-)

Okay so, to date you have not consummated this relationship? Am I reading you correctly? If not, you are 37 and she is 28? What in your mind has justified this lack of sexual chemistry/communication? It's not normal guy.

[Hammer2722]

Okay so, to date you have not consummated this relationship? Am I reading you correctly? If not, you are 37 and she is 28? What in your mind has justified this lack of sexual chemistry/communication? It's not normal guy.

I totally agree, and please don't say she believes in sex after marriage Jmana. She is 28 with a 4 yr old child already. Dude, sorry to say this but I don't believe you know this woman at all.....

[jmana]

Okay so, to date you have not consummated this relationship? Am I reading you correctly? If not, you are 37 and she is 28? What in your mind has justified this lack of sexual chemistry/communication? It's not normal guy.

Not yet, but I didn't with my ex wife until we got married either.  But then again my ex wife was a virgin, obviously Alina is not so really there is no reason to wait.

[jmana]

I totally agree, and please don't say she believes in sex after marriage Jmana. She is 28 with a 4 yr old child already. Dude, sorry to say this but I don't believe you know this woman at all.....

Well her thing is that she said her ex deceived her and she felt horrible because of it and doesn't want to make the same mistake.  But taking everything into consideration, I think this is one situation where I want to "kick the tires" before I commit to anything long term.  I just hope she isn't so hurt by what he did that she is completely frigid in that department. 

[jone]

One further comment that I have:

This dialogue on here is a good reference point as two where you two are at.  I would keep a copy of all that you have said and your discussion with this group.  While it is not direct evidence, it demonstrates a state of mind that is evolving and can be produced to offset negative allegations.

I would never want to marry a woman that I was not in love with - or that was not in love with me.  You have a great number of people here that are uncovering what we see as red flags in this relationship.

Dunno how many times we have said this, but you will KNOW when a woman from Eastern Europe is in love with you.  There will be no question.    If you have to ask the question, she ain't.

[Hammer2722]

"I actually have met her in person, I spent 9 days with her in June.  I would love to spend a month there, and financially I could do it, and I have a month of vacation time saved up, but that's not the issue.  The issue is I'm a full time single dad and I can't exactly leave my son with someone for a month while I go off to another country.  My closest relative is 9 hours away.  Nor could I pull him out of school to take him along, even though I'd love to take him there someday.  And he goes to a year round school, so no, he didn't have all summer off."
 
You wrote this back in October of last year in another thread. So I take it you have made only one trip to meet her last June for 9 days? Is this correct?  You were warned by many members here that its not wise to do a K1 without getting to know your lady. Unforunately, now you are reaping what you sowed....

[die_cast]

What you described as 'Dadda' could easily have been the Russian word "Djeda" which means Grandpa.

My guess it's "djadja" (дядя), which means "uncle". 

There were said already many right words (some of them were rude, but that doesn't make them wrong) in this thread. I wouldn't like to repeat good advices, the only thing I want to say, if Alina uses internet only to watch those "Japanese boys" (who are they, btw?) and similar useless stuff, I would suggest to turn off the internet in your house for a week at least (as Muzh said: "disable the modem"), explaining that something is broken and service man can only come next week to fix it. Probably it can wake up her, idk. 

[Faux Pas]

Not yet, but I didn't with my ex wife until we got married either.  But then again my ex wife was a virgin, obviously Alina is not so really there is no reason to wait.

jmana, What connection do you have with Alina? Her father? What? You have no emotional, no sexual. It doesn't even sound like a decent friendship if a friendship at all. I am beginning to think you've been had, big time.

Given your ages you should at the very least be having a sexual attraction and relationship, if you have noting else. It would be interesting to know what exactly you do have with her?

[die_cast]

The more I read the less I understand how that came out jmana decided to bring his woman to US. 

[jmana]

 
You wrote this back in October of last year in another thread. So I take it you have made only one trip to meet her last June for 9 days? Is this correct?

Yep.  And the daughter was rambunctious but never showed any signs of being violent or defiant.  And Alina didn't pull out her phone ever to check up on her twitter feed or anything like that. 

[Hammer2722]

Well her thing is that she said her ex deceived her and she felt horrible because of it and doesn't want to make the same mistake.  But taking everything into consideration, I think this is one situation where I want to "kick the tires" before I commit to anything long term.  I just hope she isn't so hurt by what he did that she is completely frigid in that department.

Something tells me this is total BS on her part. I'm starting to believe the you are being used as a mule by both her and her dad.

[justme100]

If you have to ask the question, she ain't.

200%

[Faux Pas]

The more I read the less I understand how that came out jmana decided to bring his woman to US. 

Actually when he first started posting here, he showed many of the typical signs of something very wrong. This is before she came. He pooh poohed all the good advice he received then. Few would not wonder your same question after reading this unfold. There is a train wreck here happening in slow motion

[jmana]

My guess it's "djadja" (дядя), which means "uncle". 

There were said already many right words (some of them were rude, but that doesn't make them wrong) in this thread. I wouldn't like to repeat good advices, the only thing I want to say, if Alina uses internet only to watch those "Japanese boys" (who are they, btw?) and similar useless stuff, I would suggest to turn off the internet in your house for a week at least (as Muzh said: "disable the modem"), explaining that something is broken and service man can only come next week to fix it. Probably it can wake up her, idk. 

Stuff like this:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kis-My-Ft2 and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tenimyu. 
I don't think lying to her about the modem is the best idea.  We have a snow storm coming, maybe I'll get lucky and it will knock the power out

[Hammer2722]

There is a train wreck here happening in slow motion

And the train has only now just left the station.....

[justme100]

And the train has only now just left the station.....

yeap, so there are good chances to avoid the wreck.
Jmana,  don't hurry with wedding

[jmana]

yeap, so there are good chances to avoid the wreck.
Jmana,  don't hurry with wedding

Oh trust me, I'm not.  It's not even being discussed. 

[Hammer2722]

Oh trust me, I'm not.  It's not even being discussed.

So, are you even discussing anything at all??????

[CanadaMan]

For the benefit of all who have been reading this rather disjointed 'soap opera'-like saga, I have pieced together jmana's story in a more flowing chronological order, quoting posts that are particularly relevant to this discussion.

Sorry, didn't mean to be confusing:)  Yeah, her dad has lived in Seattle for many years, he is going to Russia next week to visit family...
Oh, and I met her from a dating website.  Russianeuro I believe.  She has a daughter, and I really like her and her daughter, so hopefully it will work out.  I guess time will tell. 

How many visits have you made?

Just one, in June.  Unfortunately I work for the state and apparently don't make as much $$$ as a lot of you guys do   I'd love to go back again at the end of the year but I just can't, and it looks like she'll be coming here sooner than I thought anyway.  I've known her now for about a year, so it will be good to really get to see what she is like when she is here.

 When I was visiting her it was different because it was like a vacation for me, so it's really difficult to get to see someone's true colors (both her's and mine), and I kind of feel like it doesn't matter how many times I "visit" her, I'd never really feel like I know her 100% until she comes here and spends a couple months getting to really know me and what it's really like to live here. But to be honest I don't know that she'll even like living here, she really wanted me to move there, and I would if there were decent paying jobs.  I really love St. Pete, but the combo of expensive living, and low paying jobs just isn't really great for trying to start a family

What are the conditions that she is coming here? It doesn't sound like a K-1 visa (which is good).

...Also, don't kid yourself that there are shortcuts to the relationship, there isn't.

You need plenty of time to learn about each other. The more the better.The less you have, the lower the chances for any long term success and there are guarantees there. The chances IMHO of a cross cultural relationship succeeding on any level are much less than local ones. There is no substitute for face time. Not skype, not long dreamy emails or long conversations on the telephone.

It cost money to travel to Russia. If you are thinking this might be a woman to spend your life with, it's well worth the investment to know her, before you marry her, as opposed to learning about her after you married her and regret it. Read the archives here. Read them openly and objectively. There are some successes. Rarely do they come with little face time. But, the train wrecks usually always do.

This is why you really need more than one trip--it was a vacation and while there is nothing wrong with vacations, one shouldn't be putting a ring on a gals finger at the end of the vacation. Not withstanding the lack of an "engagement" concept in her culture and thus the lack of engagement rings, the bigger issue is that you don't know each other. Skype is great, but it isn't really being there.

As FP wrote, hopefully you can come to understand that the investment in both time and money is crucial prior to a wedding. If you can't afford to approach the wedding in a logical manner, wait until the divorce bills start rolling in. Go return that $500 ring she doesn't understand and use it as seed $ for your next trip.

Well, I think it's a little callous to think all similar situations are the same, and that all Russian women (or American men) are the same.  I have already been married to an FSU woman, a Ukrainian, but I was way too young to make any marriage work at the time, no matter where she was from.  I've learned a lot since then, and right now I am looking for a partner for life, I'm not going at this because I think this girl is "hot" or will put out, or anything like that.  In fact that's not even on my list of things I was looking for in a woman, what I want is someone I can trust, someone who I feel will always be there for me and who will appreciate what I have to offer.  And I feel Alina is that person.  I tried hard to find someone like that here, and got burned over and over, so I thought I'd expand my horizons once again and that's when I met her.  Granted I really don't know her, but I don't agree that I'd get to know her much better by making multiple trips to her home country.  I feel that the only way to really get to see what she will be like when she is here, is for her to actually come here.  I realize that's not a popular thought here, but several years ago I had met a woman from Moscow and it was the same thing, while she was over there it was fine, but when she came here we both knew after a month it wasn't going to work out and so she went back home.  We are still friends and talk occasionally, but even she knew she was different when she came to the states.  I am hoping that's not the case this time, but if it is at least I tried! 

Sorry, I don't always pick the best words, LOL!  Yeah, she is aware of the fact that until we are together for a decent period of time we really won't know if we are completely compatible.  She's not one of these Russian girls who's pretending to be head over heels in love just to get over here, she doesn't need to, remember her dad lives here and she could have come here anytime she wanted.  So I think I've met one of the rare ones who is going about this the way any normal woman would, with caution, and is being honest and has flat out told me she hopes her love will grow once she comes here and not the other way around, but can't make any false promises.  But I think it will all work out, we both want what's best for our kids (I have an 11 year old, she's got the 3 year old), and it seems like we are both at a point in our lives where we just want a happy family and have learned from our past mistakes (hopefully!).

Now if you really want to meet a Russian girl on the cheap, have her come to you!  I actually had a girl from Moscow come visit me for a few weeks several years ago (she paid for everything), but by the time those few weeks were up I was ready to have her return home   She was really nice, she'd give me massages every night and seemed like she would make a "good wife", but there was just something about her that was off putting.  I still feel bad to this day about it.  She had planned a second trip to come see me and I had to flat out tell her no.  Supposedly she's married and has a kid now and still living in Moscow, so it's all good.  When I was in St. Pete she wrote to me and asked how long I was going to be at the Moscow airport and I was tempted to try and meet up with her, but like I said I still feel a little guilt about it because I know she really liked me and wanted much more than I did.

So I just wanted to check back in here after being absent for several weeks and let everyone know that Alina's interview in Moscow was a piece of cake!  They approved everything on the spot, and she is due to arrive here in 3 weeks   So the fear people put into me about only visiting her once, and about not using Skype were unfounded
Also there seems to be some updating on the children's medical exams in Moscow, her daughter who just turned 3 did not get the skin test for TB, they gave her an X-ray too so there was no long wait to get the results.  Wish I would have known that before...


...And I'm sure most people already know this, but when I did a search for a flight for her and her daughter from St. Pete to here, the cost was like $1,600.  But then I did 2 separate searches, one from St. Pete to JFK which was $750 for both of them, and then from JFK to here which was $160 for both of them.  Big savings!

...and I am not going to expect her to find her way to a hotel overnight, so I'll just make the 10 hour drive up there to get them.  But yeah, if you are flying anyone in from Russia, make sure you do a separate search, one to JFK, and then from JFK to your hometown, it will be much cheaper that way.

When I visited her I stayed in a hotel and we'd only spend time together during the day and always with her daughter or her family.

I am almost wondering if she's just afraid of romance.  I know there were times I wrote to her saying that I wished I were there so I could kiss her again and she'd reply that she is too shy to talk about it. 

...So I am wondering if she has some issues to deal with too.  Would have been nice to know all this before, but I'm going to make the best of it all :-)

Okay so, to date you have not consummated this relationship? Am I reading you correctly? If not, you are 37 and she is 28? What in your mind has justified this lack of sexual chemistry/communication? It's not normal guy.

Not yet, but I didn't with my ex wife until we got married either.  But then again my ex wife was a virgin, obviously Alina is not so really there is no reason to wait.

I totally agree, and please don't say she believes in sex after marriage Jmana. She is 28 with a 4 yr old child already. Dude, sorry to say this but I don't believe you know this woman at all.....

[jmana]

Hey I admit, I was wrong, what more can I say. 

[Hammer2722]

Nicely done CanadaMan....
 
 
Jmana, does your fiance speak any English? I don't remeber seeing anything about this.

[Ade]

Hey I admit, I was wrong, what more can I say.

In the wise words of Homer Simpson, "Doh!"

Although, from my perspective, she made just a big of a cock up.

Next time, stay home dude.

[Hammer2722]

Although, from my perspective, she made just a big of a cock up.

I think she knows exactly what she is doing. She got a free trip to the US for her and her daughter courtesy of our hero. Soon, she be moving to Seattle to be with dad....