Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[JayH]

  I think it will work out, it's just going to take some time.

That is the key!!
Apart form Ade's useless contribution--  I   am impressed with the level of good advice the jman is getting in this thread-- so jman please read it and keep reading it-- and as you recognise yourself--it will take time and above all else-- some effort!!  Good luck.

[Ade]

That is the key!!
Apart form Ade's useless contribution--  I   am impressed with the level of good advice the jman is getting in this thread-- so jman please read it and keep reading it-- and as you recognise yourself--it will take time and above all else-- some effort!!  Good luck.

Yeah, the man imports a prospective wife with a child he hardly knows and is taking huge risks. Also, if a near stranger tried to discipline my daughter there would be hell to pay. The guy has from the beginning of this saga come across as a selfish, thoughtless knob without a clue. The woman would be better off to drop this guy and run back home as fast as she can.

[southernX]

unfortunatly ,
there is much truth in ades comments , even if there a little blunt and derogatory

you feel you risked a lot jmana ??
just stop and think what your wife has risked here ??  i mean really stop and think about it 


would you be prepared to do the same ??  she has gone way out on a limb for you , put all she holds precious in this life in your hands to look after it and take care of it , that is a huge thing to do ,

honestly i dont think you fully understand how big that is mate , would you swap countrys , leave all that you love and know for somebody and take a small child with you ??  its  a huge thing to do , think   about it
step back , and re asses , you need to put her and child first , for now and for quite along while ahead actually if you want this to work out , hoping wont do it ,

suck it up and load up the responsibility you accepted when you got her and her  childs emotions involved with yours ,

be the man she expects ,

dont take it personally , no offence intended , just a realistic view from what your writing , iv done what your doing, now, be a bit selfless , relax, a little , let it flow , it wont run to a script in your head ,
engage the child , surprise her , take her for walks , bike rides as a passenger , let her get close to animals , just anything to break down the barriers and stop any resentment building , learn to love her , for her goodness , not critise her as she is a child learning still in a completly new enviroment & she is adjusting to sharing her mum with you ,

if it is to succeed ''you ''must do all you can to nurture it , starting today jmana,
give it time and make time that you can spend with both of them as much as possible

ENGAGE THEM in your life and you in theirs , support them , try to understand whats going on for them , read up on cultures shock as well , they may not be there yet, but you will need to know about it if you dont already

let it flow and you will all grow to each other alittle bit each month , each year , be forgiving of them and yourself ,

dont take a hard line just yet , let your wifes respect for you take root over time , you cannot force it , it must grow within them , for you ,

be the best you can be FOR THEM !! & put yourself to some degree on hold a little here

others may tell you different , but iv done this and it is my honest advice to you
take of it what you will

good luck
SX

[JayH]

 SX -- I agree with all that you are saying-- the negative hostile attitude that I am critical of does nothing to help here.  Jman  is  asking for help in my opinion--he is trying to figure this out and how to handle the situation he finds himself in ( and yes--of course it is of his own making) Let's face it-- most of the responsible people here are offering advice and encouragemnet for Jman to find answers and create an ongoing happy situation for all concerned. Hammering the guy about what he should have done--is not productive at this time.Now what matters is what he needs to do now.
 As an aside -- not everyone has sensible people to talk with that are easily accessible-- a guy in transition alone making a plea for help ought to be assisted as much as possible.Some can handle this internally-- some are happiest to get outside ideas-- so lets help and encourage Jman at his time of need.

[Ade]

SX -- I agree with all that you are saying-- the negative hostile attitude that I am critical of does nothing to help here.  Jman  is  asking for help in my opinion--he is trying to figure this out and how to handle the situation he finds himself in ( and yes--of course it is of his own making) Let's face it-- most of the responsible people here are offering advice and encouragemnet for Jman to find answers and create an ongoing happy situation for all concerned. Hammering the guy about what he should have done--is not productive at this time.Now what matters is what he needs to do now.
 As an aside -- not everyone has sensible people to talk with that are easily accessible-- a guy in transition alone making a plea for help ought to be assisted as much as possible.Some can handle this internally-- some are happiest to get outside ideas-- so lets help and encourage Jman at his time of need.

Not everyone is suitable for an international relationship - add to that a child and it's a recipe for disaster. My opinion is that this guy just isn't up to it. He doesn't even get why meeting his fiancée at the airport would be a good thing. Gawd help if this woman develops severe culture shock. And then there is her daughter. Seriously, disciplining her when he doesn't even know her and can't talk to her? What an arse.

[JayH]

Ade- we are all different in how we go about things-while I may agree with the general thrust of what you are saying-- I would not agree with your last sentence.Right now--this guy needs help--not vilification.

[Ade]

Ade- we are all different in how we go about things-while I may agree with the general thrust of what you are saying-- I would not agree with your last sentence.Right now--this guy needs help--not vilification.

What he needs is to realize that he's being an arse. He needs to stop focusing on himself and try, if he's at all capable which I doubt, to have some empathy.

[jmana]

Not everyone is suitable for an international relationship - add to that a child and it's a recipe for disaster. My opinion is that this guy just isn't up to it. He doesn't even get why meeting his fiancée at the airport would be a good thing. Gawd help if this woman develops severe culture shock. And then there is her daughter. Seriously, disciplining her when he doesn't even know her and can't talk to her? What an arse.

What the hell am I supposed to do??  She throws things at her mother for God's sake!  And bites me, scratches me until I bleed, kicks and punches me and from what I can tell she's doing this to me for no real reason.  She does it to her mom because she's not getting her way.  Her mom does very little to correct her.  Am I supposed to just let her do it?  Alina doesn't see what she does to me, am I just supposed to smile while she's punching me in the nutsack??  I'm being an "arse" because I take her and sit her down on the couch??  What she needs is a slap on the butt. 

[jmana]

you feel you risked a lot jmana ??
just stop and think what your wife has risked here ??  i mean really stop and think about it 


would you be prepared to do the same ??  she has gone way out on a limb for you , put all she holds precious in this life in your hands to look after it and take care of it , that is a huge thing to do ,

honestly i dont think you fully understand how big that is mate , would you swap countrys , leave all that you love and know for somebody and take a small child with you ??  its  a huge thing to do , think   about it

SX

I have thought about that, and I know it's a huge thing to do.  But here's the thing, if it were me in her shoes, I'd be putting at least SOME effort into making things work, and not letting my child act like a wild animal.  She certainly didn't allow her to act that way when I visited her.  As I'm typing this right now in fact she's upstairs screaming at the top of her lungs for some reason    I certainly wouldn't have my face buried in a laptop the whole time my mate is home, while my child is ignored, that is for sure. 

[Muzh]

It's true, I probably didn't do enough "research" prior to agreeing to the move here, but the more I think about it the more I feel I would have never known about all this had they not moved here and I spent this time with them. 
I am really trying to figure out the best way to handle it all.  I am not trying to be too harsh on the daughter, the only time I've actually disciplined her is when she is trying to physically harm me or her mom.  And the discipline I've given is to sit her on the couch and not let her up until she settles down, but even that gets overridden by her mom.  So it's frustrating.  And I don't know what to say to Alina regarding her parenting skills without sounding like I'm trying to be her father or something.  But really, Alina sits there with her face buried in her laptop and doesn't even see half of the stuff her daughter is doing.  That's what's really frustrating me at this point, and something I had no clue about until she moved here.  I never knew she was so addicted to the internet, but she's really into Japanese boy bands and anime (yeah, I know it's odd), and she sits there writing about this stuff and looking at crap all day.  And yes, you can slam me for not knowing about this before, but when I was with her in St. Pete she never even picked up her phone when I was with her, let alone acted like she needed to get to her computer.  But now it seems she spends most of the day on it.  But maybe I'm wrong, I'm at work all day and I don't see what she does when I'm not here, but when I am here that's what she's doing.  I hate to even write about this here, because I know there are guys who told me before that I didn't know what I was doing and I should have visited her many more times in her country, but to be honest I don't think any of these issues would have become apparent even if I had.  Now I just have to make the best of it and figure it all out.

I'm sorry if I missed this.
 
How old is Alina?
 
How old are you?

[Muzh]

Hi Jmana, 


I for one think you have a genuine medium sized problem here then....I agree 4-square with you intervening when your new stepdaughter is becoming physically violent...You need to have a stern conversation with your wife/fiance (i can't remember which)....she needs to understand that you are not going to sit for one moment of 'physical violence' towards yourself or mother... She may give you resistance at first as a kneejerk reaction but hey, you are the man of the household, and you can set some basic ground rules like that.  Your punishment seems mild and reasonable enough to start with...she is only 4...but you should nip it in the bud right now...over time, this is precisely the type of issue that can submarine a marriage...deal with it asap



I agree with FredC, boredom is a factor...but to be earnest she may actually just be that type of person that uses the internet all the time...if that is the case think hard if that is the type of habit you are comfy with...especially if she is using the internet while her child is crying for attention, or has a basic need.


Good luck,
Fathertime!

Great advice...., for a 751 day bride.
 
Learn about the DV rules where you live.

[Muzh]

What the hell am I supposed to do??  She throws things at her mother for God's sake!  And bites me, scratches me until I bleed, kicks and punches me and from what I can tell she's doing this to me for no real reason.  She does it to her mom because she's not getting her way.  Her mom does very little to correct her.  Am I supposed to just let her do it?  Alina doesn't see what she does to me, am I just supposed to smile while she's punching me in the nutsack??  I'm being an "arse" because I take her and sit her down on the couch??  What she needs is a slap on the butt.

Ah, excellent.
 
Why don't you kick the shit out of her? That will teach her who's boss.
 
I said the same Ade posted above. There are people who are NOT suited for this. And here is a prime example.
 
Dude, you fcuked this royaly. NOW, you either fix it or bail. And by fixing I'm not talking about kicking ass.

[fathertime]

What the hell am I supposed to do??  She throws things at her mother for God's sake!  And bites me, scratches me until I bleed, kicks and punches me and from what I can tell she's doing this to me for no real reason.  She does it to her mom because she's not getting her way.  Her mom does very little to correct her.  Am I supposed to just let her do it?  Alina doesn't see what she does to me, am I just supposed to smile while she's punching me in the nutsack??  I'm being an "arse" because I take her and sit her down on the couch??  What she needs is a slap on the butt.

Biting and scratching and punching...blood



I'd say you should take some action....of course you could some nice things like southernx mentioned...in addition some sort of psychological eval. and a frank conversation with your (fiance/wife)....
Different situation, but my boy is going to be 4 later in the year...and he is a wild kid....but if he were doing what you are describing it would be dealt with immediately...no Mr Nice Guy...reasonable boundaries...reasonable but real punishments....i'm not into punishing children with butt whippings...and in this situation it seems it would be especially troublesome. 


From what I'm gathering, your lady is not at all on board though with your participation...you can ease into it...or permit the behavior to continue...to me one of the greatest problems is that your lady and you are not a unified front as of yet...that can change, but first getting that japanese anime earphone outta her ear would be a big help...once again a frank discussion is critical....


good luck
Fathertime!   

[fathertime]

Great advice...., for a 751 day bride.
 
Learn about the DV rules where you live.

Domestic Violence rules have nothing to do with this situation at this point, so I would suggest you learn to read and evaluate before commenting.


Fathertime! 

[Gator]

I'm sorry if I missed this.
 
How old is Alina?
 
How old are you?

They are both youngish.  There is a 4th person in this family.  jmana has custody of a 9-yo son (IIRC) from a prior marriage. 

[Muzh]

Domestic Violence rules have nothing to do with this situation at this point, so I would suggest you learn to read and evaluate before commenting.


Fathertime!

Suggestion noted.
 
One more time to jmana, either you engage both ladies, the mother first, and get some insight into what is going on inside their heads, OR, be the macho man as explained above and take 'action'  until she finds a 'support group' that will teach her the ropes (of DV) and then it will be too late for you to CYA.
 
I suggest you learn to read and learn too, FT.
 
Either way, you have a long way to go.
 
Personally, you were not ready for this one.
 

[jmana]

I'm sorry if I missed this.
 
How old is Alina?
 
How old are you?

I'm 37, she's 28.

[Muzh]

I'm 37, she's 28.

Dude. At 28 and behaving like that?
 
Give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she is stressed, depressed, overwhelmed, whatever.
 
Before you fine any counselor, you have to earn her trust big time. Spend as much time as you can with her. Disable the computer. Actually, disable the modem and go without connection until you both have settled as husband an wife. Ignore the child's outbursts. She is having one hell of a time and wants her mother's attention. You are her rival.
 
But most importantly, disable the computer connection and start having a husband/wife relationship and explain it to her like that: "Oh honey, what a great opportunity for us to get to know each other better. I'll call the cable company later. Let's snuggle."

[fathertime]

Suggestion noted.
 
One more time to jmana, either you engage both ladies, the mother first, and get some insight into what is going on inside their heads, OR, be the macho man as explained above and take 'action'  until she finds a 'support group' that will teach her the ropes (of DV) and then it will be too late for you to CYA.
 
I suggest you learn to read and learn too, FT.
 
Either way, you have a long way to go.
 
Personally, you were not ready for this one.

It is not an issue of 'macho' to take 'action' the opposite is inaction...imo it is necessary to do something...which of course includes a FRANK DISCUSSION, or two, along with time together.  If the child can handle a fun preschool, that might be worth a shot. 




It is very possible that this situation is doomed, but in order to give it a chance...things must get done and actions need to be taken.


This talk about 'support groups' and 'DV'...doesn't seem in line with the discussion...but if you ever got a whiff that you are being set up for something, then plane tickets back, and a little pocket money would be something I would think about, just to try to end the situation.


Fathertime!   

[Faux Pas]

I'm 37, she's 28.

Muzh is making an excellent point. If Alina is not engaged with you on any level and more specifically a mental/emotional level, something is amiss. You do need to at least check and read up on the domestic violence laws that pertain to you. It could prove to be valuable information later. There are some folks much more acquainted with it than you. If this relationship has gone south, they will likely find her.

You don't have to spank or threaten the child to correct her behavior. I would suggest your first course of action is to the mother for her to correct the behavior. Screaming, biting, scratching or physical harm to others is not acceptable behavior. Staying immersed online and ignoring you and the child is not acceptable behavior. She can correct it. You are the man of the house and you need to act like it. If she is not going to engage you, the child or the relationship, it's time to prepare and assist her in ending it FWIW

This whole situation has the ability to get very nasty for all involved very quickly. You should pay attention

[Gator]

Your stepdaughter's tantrums are outlandish and nerve racking.  I and every other man in this thread would be on edge.  Not exactly the heavenly bliss you expected.




Something has to be done, and it is not a slap on the butt.  There are many ways to discipline a child other than physical beatings.  Immigrating young mothers usually call their mamas every day and would get babushka advice.  Is this happening?  Alina may be just as distressed as you but has a calmer demeanor.


Muzh is making good points.  Another good idea is FT's
about a daycare center if they will accept someone who does not speak English. 

Somehow you must take the initiative to introduce some joy in a depressed house.  That starts IMO by getting out of the house.  A MickeyD's with a children's playground if they still have such.


Given the severity of the tantrums, I suggest you meanwhile get the name and number of a good family if not child psychologist.

[jmana]

Great advice...., for a 751 day bride.
 
Learn about the DV rules where you live.

I'm the one being Domestically Violated, haha!  So tell me, what would you do if you were in my situation??  I can't speak to the girl, other than to tell her "no", she doesn't understand English.  And when I do tell her no she gets pissed and either hits me or does what she wants anyway.  I do tell Alina what she is doing and she says something to her in Russian, and I'd say about half the time it corrects her behavior.  So there is hope at least.  I just need to figure out a way to make Alina realize that the behavior needs to be corrected more than half the time.  That when she tries to correct her and Maria just ignores her, or worse gets mad and throws something at her mom, that it's not okay and Alina can't just let it go and pretend like nothing is wrong. 

[Muzh]

This talk about 'support groups' and 'DV'...doesn't seem in line with the discussion...but if you ever got a whiff that you are being set up for something, then plane tickets back, and a little pocket money would be something I would think about, just to try to end the situation.


Fathertime!   

You are so wrong in so many counts.
 
First, if she used him as a mule, a return ticket for her and her daughter will land him in jail because of alleged DV.
 
Second, she left everything behind, what makes you think she will head back?
 
Talk about learning and how to read. Do it.

[Muzh]

I'm the one being Domestically Violated, haha!  So tell me, what would you do if you were in my situation??  I can't speak to the girl, other than to tell her "no", she doesn't understand English.  And when I do tell her no she gets pissed and either hits me or does what she wants anyway.  I do tell Alina what she is doing and she says something to her in Russian, and I'd say about half the time it corrects her behavior.  So there is hope at least.  I just need to figure out a way to make Alina realize that the behavior needs to be corrected more than half the time.  That when she tries to correct her and Maria just ignores her, or worse gets mad and throws something at her mom, that it's not okay and Alina can't just let it go and pretend like nothing is wrong.

Here's the crux to your problems.
 
No one is going to solve it for you.
 
You got into this mess and you have to get out of it. Figure what to do since you are the one who knows exactly what's going on.
 
You have been given some advice. Use your bean, intuition, 6th sense, lucky horseshoe, whatever. Just do it.

[Muzh]

Given the severity of the tantrums, I suggest you meanwhile get the name and number of a good family if not child psychologist.

Gator, IMNSHO, this will be like adding gas to the fire. The mother will go ballistic.
 
Edit: Don't get me wrong. This would be the sane thing to do.