Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[cc3]

Shouldn't the Russian be cooking the borshch?

[jmana]

Shouldn't the Russian be cooking the borshch?

Considering what the pan looked like that she cooked the scrambled eggs in, I think she better leave it to the person who took a cooking class from Harvard

[cc3]

My Ukrainian fiancee makes the best borshch that I have ever tasted! 

[jmana]

My Ukrainian fiancee makes the best borshch that I have ever tasted! 

My ex was from Ukraine, and her's wasn't bad, but then she told me how her grandmother told her to put period blood in it to "bind" me to her (apparently it's a common thing in Russia - be warned), and I freaked out and would never eat it again even though she said she didn't follow through with it. 

[BillyB]

(we can't know what she really thinks)

That's because she refuses to talk to jmana. She does talk with people on the internet about anime and Japanese boy bands.

it is a threat to tell her "I'm not going to marry you if you are not doing what I want now".

He's supposed to tell her he's not going to marry her and actually mean it, not just use it as a threat. Don't feel sorry for the woman. Women have said goodbye to me and I've said goodbye to women in the past. I've dumped women for lessor crimes than jmana's fiancée is committing. I've said goodbye to women simply because their political beliefs are different than mine. Other than that, they'd make great wives for someone because they are polite, considerate, a team player, not addicted to the internet, and sleep in the same bed as their man. If people learn to say goodbye more often to bad and incompatible people, they have a much greater chance in finding a winner to compliment their lives.


If jmana happens to convince his fiancée to talk to him this week and if she agrees to change, jmana needs to understand change isn't going to happen overnight. It's going to take time to undo her bad habits. He's going to be pissed off and frustrated many more times if he continues this. Maybe the problem is simply she's not attractive to jmana? I'm sure many people concluded that and if true, they both need to move on with their lives. How would you act if a man turned you on? You wouldn't be ignoring him and scheduling goals on the internet for the next half week.

you have the responsibility to look after these people that you have brought into your life

That needs to go both ways. If those people don't care, are using him and/or destructive to his life, he has a responsibility to get rid of them. I doubt he'll be able to call this situation a blessing within the next few days or months. Some people are set in their ways and too selfish to change.

I just need to do all I can to foster this relationship.

Most of us were assuming you've already been doing that and what you've been telling us is the results you received.


Exactly what are you going to do now that you haven't done before to make her spend more time with you? First you have to talk to her but she doesn't want to talk because she has a deadline. After Friday's over, she'll probably tell you she has more deadlines to fulfill. jmana, the hard and ugly truth is she doesn't enjoy talking to you.


You're about to do what a lot of people have done unsuccessfully. That is to put a lot of effort into a person that puts little or no effort for you, and thinking things will end up happily ever after. You can put in all the effort you want but the problem still lies within your fiancée. You're on board to improve the relationship and she's not.

[southernX]

jmana , if your going to start of on a clean slate, then try this with alina

ask her if you can speak with her , respect her choice on the answer , keep calm no matter what it is ,
if yes then first off, keep it short and calm , and ask her forgiveness , and apologise to her if there are any indiscretions on your part, & trust us there are 
tell her you realise ''you ''have made mistakes in how you have behaved etc etc , and you wish to improve your efforts etc etc

LISTEN , to what she tells you , dont defend anything , just listen and reflect on it ,

these things take time , but forgiveness of mistakes starts with ''you , '' and it is a must to stop resentment building up in relationships , lead by example , and they both in time will respect a man who can say sorry and they will grow to love you more if you can

being right isnt always that important , let her come to a decision on things , insisting you know better will not work , give your opinion if asked , but dont push it ,
dont put any instant expectations on their response , just let them reflect and respond as they will

try to keep positive and be patient ,
this will take all your energys and  take a lot of self control and patience
dont be a door mat, but do be tolerant ,

good luck , you all have along way to go in this , but being totally honest with each other is key to a good start ,

SX

[cc3]

My ex was from Ukraine, and her's wasn't bad, but then she told me how her grandmother told her to put period blood in it to "bind" me to her (apparently it's a common thing in Russia - be warned), and I freaked out and would never eat it again even though she said she didn't follow through with it.

My fiancee thinks I might have vampirical tendencies...so no prob! 

[Hammer2722]

jmana , if your going to start of on a clean slate, then try this with alina

ask her if you can speak with her , respect her choice on the answer , keep calm no matter what it is ,
if yes then first off, keep it short and calm , and ask her forgiveness , and apologise to her if there are any indiscretions on your part, & trust us there are 
tell her you realise ''you ''have made mistakes in how you have behaved etc etc , and you wish to improve your efforts etc etc

LISTEN , to what she tells you , dont defend anything , just listen and reflect on it ,

these things take time , but forgiveness of mistakes starts with ''you , '' and it is a must to stop resentment building up in relationships , lead by example , and they both in time will respect a man who can say sorry and they will grow to love you more if you can

being right isnt always that important , let her come to a decision on things , insisting you know better will not work , give your opinion if asked , but dont push it ,
dont put any instant expectations on their response , just let them reflect and respond as they will

try to keep positive and be patient ,
this will take all your energys and  take a lot of self control and patience
dont be a door mat, but do be tolerant ,

good luck , you all have along way to go in this , but being totally honest with each other is key to a good start ,

SX

While your doing what southernX suggests, you can also put your family jewels in a jar and hand them to her as well.......

[southernX]

hammer,
hows your blended family going ?

SX

[Hammer2722]

doing just fine, thanks for asking.

[die_cast]

How would you act if a man turned you on? You wouldn't be ignoring him and scheduling goals on the internet for the next half week.

No, I wouldn't.
But I'm not that shy and not religious one, also I don't have teenager's mindset and I'm not a fan of any boy bands. 

[jone]

My Ukrainian fiancee makes the best borshch that I have ever tasted! 

I heard she just cooks beet soup.  And I won't give it a passing grade until invited to try it.

[Gator]

Yeah it's not much time at all.  I am glad that I admitted what's going on today though, because I have gotten a lot of good advice, and I think tomorrow will be a day to start fresh instead of just going through it pretending nothing is wrong while feeling a lot of resentment. 

Given the constraint that you selected your fiancee in one week without any intimacy, you are doing okay.   Alina and her daughter have not met your expectations, far from it.  I believe most OWWs would dismiss her behavior as adjustment problems and pretend everything is okay.  Instead, you at least recognize a problem of such magnitude to indicate a high possibility of failure.   

Tomorrow I think will be a day to work on getting closer to Alina and see if she responds positively or not.  I am not going to cut the internet or threaten to not marry her.

Also, you are not overreacting even though time is short.  Nor are you pouting.  Thus, I assert you are doing "okay."  Keep in mind that I am in the optimistic camp of most discussions at RWD. 


Your plan today is between the two extremes of 1) reading her the riot act and  2) handing your family jewels to her on a platter.  Good.  But be prepared to make changes given time is short.

[Gator]

While your doing what southernX suggests, you can also put your family jewels in a jar and hand them to her as well.......

My reaction as well.  However, everyone is different.


I can see jmana taking a related approach, someday but not today, and certainly without the begging.   At one point jmana needs to ask Alina what she wants him to do differently, thus giving him the opportunity to express the changes he wants in her.

[Muzh]

so.. Have you asked her to step away from the monitor.. and have a real discussion? Bring up you'd actually like to spend time together, and how she feels about that?

No time like the present!

Oh, oh, oh, let me do this. 
 
Oh again 

[ML]

I am late to this discussion, so may have missed a lot.

However, I am continually amazed that guys will proceed with a gal who is giving them some cause for concern.

There are probably 10,000 or so FSU gals available to meet the criteria that any one guy here has . . . so WHY THE FOCK continue with someone with even a little hint of problems???

There are some real jewels there . . . and not really that hard to locate and obtain.

[Muzh]

The advice here is very good..imo.


as you reveal more and more...i'm almost aghast.  I just would have done things soooo differently...  well anyway, this Japanese anime is so puzzling to me and the fact that it has consumed her to the point where she can't even talk is just nonsense...based on what i've read it certainly doesn't appear that she is into you for whatever reason...but nothing much makes sense...  assuming this doesn't improve, I'm just hoping that you can send her back without a great big hassle...if need be maybe you can bribe her with tickets to the next Anime convention. 


Fathertime!

I see you agree you were wrong in so many counts. 

[jone]

I am late to this discussion, so may have missed a lot.

However, I am continually amazed that guys will proceed with a gal who is giving them some cause for concern.

There are probably 10,000 or so FSU gals available to meet the criteria that any one guy here has . . . so WHY THE FOCK continue with someone with even a little hint of problems???

There are some real jewels there . . . and not really that hard to locate and obtain.

How do you expect him to find other jewels out there when he can't find his own?

[Muzh]

In case if she is going to marry him even if it doesn't look like that (we can't know what she really thinks) it is a threat to tell her "I'm not going to marry you if you are not doing what I want now". And it can change her behaviour, but just for a while, after wedding she will back to her regular behaviour and if her husband would like her to do what he wants again, he will have to mention "divorce" already.I'm afraid, he has.

How can your advice compete with a man's man advice? 
 
It's time to club her over her head and drag her to the cave by her hair.

[Jumper]

Actually, most of the Russian women that I have known, if there is a cousin, they call him brother or sister (depending on whether they are a boy or a girl - I'll let you figure out which is which).  That may be unique to the different friends I have, but I am only reporting what I have observed.

And what is up with your font/size thing, AJ?  Someone been telling you lately that size does matter?

LOL,no , not all jone-
The font thing seems a browser issue with this site, I use Chrome, this version seems to redo the font randomly within the post, this is the only site I've noticed  such issues

"Дядя" ("дяденька") (literally "an uncle") is a word children would call any man (except father and grandfather), even unknown man.

This is what i was referring to,
and agree with die cast that the little girl likely called him what would be completely normal for her to call  a  man interacting with her and her family-

Ive noticed uncle or aunt used ,for family friends (adults)
brother sister used for cousins,
and also seemed to notice something similar to cousin used for someone who wasnt an actual cousin -more family friend,or friend of an aunts etc..
Was just pointing out such things in English are used very literally, while the similar words in Russian seem to be more generally applied.

The oddest part would seem Alina not trying to explain it to jmana.
Generally used endearingly, so you'd think jmana was connecting with her little girl a bit ..why not recognize and support it.

[Wayne]

Jamana,

Do you have any common interests at all with Alina?

Compare your education with her's?

What is her work history?

Since her Father lives in USA, does he have plans to visit? Does Alina have a good relationship with him? When is the last time they have been together?

So Alina is from a large city, but you live in the sticks?

Besides camping, fishing, hunting, what is there to do where you live? Anything cultural?

Is Alina a sports fan? Will you watch the Superbowl together?

[Gator]

....... I am continually amazed that guys will proceed with a gal who is giving them some cause for concern.

There are probably 10,000 or so FSU gals available to meet the criteria that any one guy here has . . . so WHY THE FOCK continue with someone with even a little hint of problems???

I agree, if he were in the FSU.  There, a man upon having a bad day or even a bad moment politely tells her "paka," gets on the phone and internet, and says "Next RW." One day later he is meeting a hot babe.   

Jmana is here, not there.  There is no "Next RW."  There is a little child involved.  He has expended his full budget of time and money.  I very much doubt he would pursue another RW. 

Also, we must presume that something about Alina appeals to him, enough to file a K1 petition.

So does he show her the door (meaning, rebook her return flight and doing whatever is necessary to assure an amicable parting)?   Or does he invest two more months to determine if Alina entered the relationship in good faith and if she wants to work with him to reconcile their differences.

Although the odds for success are not high, showing her the door now salvages nothing but some false pride.

[jmana]

Jamana,

Do you have any common interests at all with Alina?

Compare your education with her's?

What is her work history?

Since her Father lives in USA, does he have plans to visit? Does Alina have a good relationship with him? When is the last time they have been together?

So Alina is from a large city, but you live in the sticks?

Besides camping, fishing, hunting, what is there to do where you live? Anything cultural?

Is Alina a sports fan? Will you watch the Superbowl together?

I don't live in the sticks!  I'm 20 minutes away from downtown Raleigh. I don't like hunting, fishing, etc...   We are going to watch the Superbowl, I could care less about it, but we watched a game last weekend (her first)  and she liked it.  She has a decent relationship with her dad.  He basically abandoned his family to move here when the economy was bad, but in the past few years they've reconciled and talk at least once a month.  He visited her in SP before she came here.  So far no plans for him to come here, but why would there be, she's only been here 2 weeks. 

[jmana]

I agree, if he were in the FSU.  There, a man upon having a bad day or even a bad moment politely tells her "paka," gets on the phone and internet, and says "Next RW." One day later he is meeting a hot babe.   

Jmana is here, not there.  There is no "Next RW."  There is a little child involved.  He has expended his full budget of time and money.  I very much doubt he would pursue another RW. 

Also, we must presume that something about Alina appeals to him, enough to file a K1 petition.

So does he show her the door (meaning, rebook her return flight and doing whatever is necessary to assure an amicable parting)?   Or does he invest two more months to determine if Alina entered the relationship in good faith and if she wants to work with him to reconcile their differences.

Although the odds for success are not high, showing her the door now salvages nothing but some false pride.

Well yeah, I do like her, a lot!  She seems a lot more laid back the most women.  I went out with my friends last weekend and she didn't ask me a million questions, it's like she trusts me, which I guess is rare these days. There's other things I like too, not going to write it all here, but I do want it to work.  Speaking of which, I've got to get back to spending the day with her ;-)

[Gator]

Considering what the pan looked like that she cooked the scrambled eggs in, I think she better leave it to the person who took a cooking class from Harvard

 Alina somehow needs to feel that she is part of the team, contributing something.  So eat some overcooked if not burned eggs.  BTW Russians do not like medium rare. 


Acting as if she knows little will make her feel disrespected.  Especially forcing food on her that she does not like.


Harvard cooking class?  Seems to be an oxymoron.