Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[die_cast]

Just because Alina can speak a second language doesn't mean she can teach it.

jmana, Faux Pas is very much right about that. She is probably just not able to teach her daughter.
Is there any opportunity to go to the daycare or another place where this little girl can interact with other kids and people who don't speak Russian?

[Gator]

That said, I am having a somewhat difficult time with Alina's daughter.  It's my own fault, I knew there was a lack of discipline, but I didn't realize how much this 4 year old adorable little girl rules her mother's life.  And now that there is some discipline being introduced out of necessity, it is not always pretty. 

God is not yet finished with Alina's daughter.  At 4-yo, there is much work to be done.  You can help.


Every kid is different and all of them go through stages.   Part of her undisciplined behavior could likely result from not having a father around.

Here are two musts:

1.  Be sure to praise the daughter when she does something right.  You are only breaking even if you praise her 10X for every time you discipline her.  In other words, catch her doing things right so that she feels you love her.

2.  Be sure that you and Alina represent a united front with regard to rules and discipline.  Any differences of opinion between you and Alina need to be reconciled in private. 

If I can give any advice, it would be to examine a child's behavior under a microscope, if possible before you even bother to meet the woman.  Find out the details of their relationship, if possible flat out ask how the child behaves and what kind of relationship they have together.

And?

I would agree with you if you are saying that a future father and the mother need to have a "Come to Jesus Meeting" about children before marrying.

OTOH, are you saying if you had done this with Alina's daughter early, you would have walked away?   That would not say much for Alina's qualities as a life partner.  It does say something about your idealism and lack of patience.

Your suggested critique is beneficial only if a child has some recognizable mental disorder.  In 99% of the cases the issue is about you and your stepchild adjusting to each other and you and your wife representing an united front.

[Gator]

Regarding teaching English to your daughter, you personally should start with A, B, Cs.  After that, there are millions of computer games, colorful books, TV cartoon shows, etc. to help teach children.  Just look in the 2-yo section and not the 4-yo section of your Barnes, Noble store.


Your daughter needs to learn Russian, but not at the expense of learning English.  If she is not isolated from her American peers, she will quickly pick up the language. 




I suggest that you contact GreginGa.

[jmana]

God is not yet finished with Alina's daughter.  At 4-yo, there is much work to be done.  You can help.


Every kid is different and all of them go through stages.   Part of her undisciplined behavior could likely result from not having a father around.

Here are two musts:

1.  Be sure to praise the daughter when she does something right.  You are only breaking even if you praise her 10X for every time you discipline her.  In other words, catch her doing things right so that she feels you love her.

2.  Be sure that you and Alina represent a united front with regard to rules and discipline.  Any differences of opinion between you and Alina need to be reconciled in private. 







And?

I would agree with you if you are saying that a future father and the mother need to have a "Come to Jesus Meeting" about children before marrying.

OTOH, are you saying if you had done this with Alina's daughter early, you would have walked away?   That would not say much for Alina's qualities as a life partner.  It does say something about your idealism and lack of patience.

Your suggested critique is beneficial only if a child has some recognizable mental disorder.  In 99% of the cases the issue is about you and your stepchild adjusting to each other and you and your wife representing an united front.

Thanks for the advice, I agree with you on that 100%.  And I also agree with a previous comment about getting her around other kids her age.  And what I was saying about the other thing, I can't say that I would have walked away, but I would have definitely asked more questions and thought more about getting involved at the very beginning had I known that her daughter is in control of her life.  I don't even know how we're going to make a transition to being married, she sleeps in the same bed as her daughter and she's so used to it that I don't know what would happen if she didn't.  These are things I wish I would have thought to ask, but I wouldn't have thought to ask someone if their 3 year old still sleeps with them, it just didn't occur to me that it was even a possibility.  But now it's something we have to deal with, and is another thing I'm not exactly sure how to properly go about the best way. 

[Hammer2722]

Jmana, I would not be too concerned with the 4 yr old learning English. She is at such a young age that she will pick up English faster and speak better than her mom. Once she starts pre-school/ Kindergarten, you will be surprised at how she catches on...

[Faux Pas]

Thanks for the advice, I agree with you on that 100%.  And I also agree with a previous comment about getting her around other kids her age.  And what I was saying about the other thing, I can't say that I would have walked away, but I would have definitely asked more questions and thought more about getting involved at the very beginning had I known that her daughter is in control of her life.  I don't even know how we're going to make a transition to being married, she sleeps in the same bed as her daughter and she's so used to it that I don't know what would happen if she didn't.  These are things I wish I would have thought to ask, but I wouldn't have thought to ask someone if their 3 year old still sleeps with them, it just didn't occur to me that it was even a possibility.  But now it's something we have to deal with, and is another thing I'm not exactly sure how to properly go about the best way.

You will find there are many more "things" that will crop up with her, her daughter and you, that you had no clue about. The onus is on you to make both of their transitions as comfortable and painless as possible. Practice complete patience and complete understanding even if you don't have any. This is what you've bought into, lock, stock and barrel.

You'll get through this period of understanding and learning (quite frankly, that you should have done more of, before you asked her to marry you) and you will come out on the other side hopefully with a healthy marriage, a better man and a wife and stepdaughter that believes the sun shines in your ass

Good luck

[die_cast]

But now it's something we have to deal with, and is another thing I'm not exactly sure how to properly go about the best way.

Talk to Alina about that, ask her if she has any plans for that. Don't judge her, but ask about her POV.

[Woodie]

 I basically agree with the OP that if I had to do it over again I’m not sure I would.  I was unbelievably lucky the first time around and there is no way I’d hit 2 home runs in 2 at bats, so I generally agree with his sentiment that it is a long road fraught with peril and I’d not suggest that others try to walk it.  Had I known before I started how much effort, time, money and stress was associated with the endeavor, I likely would not have posted my profile back in 2009, and this is coming from someone who is very happily married to his Russian wife…
 
On the specific advice to avoid women with children under the age of 18, I would not be so absolute on this point.  I would agree that early in a conversation you need to determine if she has the ability to leave the country with her kids and that she has thought through that eventual outcome.  I believe that most of the women don’t think that one through and do the necessary research as well as they need to, just like many of the men don’t think about or do the research necessary to fully understand the complications of bringing a full family home to their country…
 
In my particular case, my wife came to Canada, and even if she had had sole custody of her kids she would still have been required to get their father to sign a waiver that he understood that he would get no preferential treatment should he later want to immigrate to Canada.  I have no idea if there is a similar requirement for bringing children into the US, but if there is you need to plan for that.  In our case, the father’s name was not on the kid’s birth certificate (not an uncommon thing in Russia), so he had no legal standing at all, and we were able to make all of the decisions and get through all of the “gates” related to immigration on our own.  In this situation, and I will freely admit that I fell into that one instead of planning for it, the hurdles to leaving her country and getting into yours aren’t any more difficult that with a woman who has no kids.
 
There are still lots of things to think about and talk about before deciding to build a big family in a short period of time, but that is not unique to marrying a FSU woman, many of those challenges exist if you marry a woman with kids who is from your hometown.

[Muzh]

Actually, the real reason not to do it is because there are so many guys who are clueless about being a father to their own.
 
Now, imagine becoming an instant father. Just ask Jmana.

[jone]

Jmana already had custody of his son.  He is an instant father only to his new stepdaughter.

[Muzh]

Between you and me, that doesn't say much to me. Seriously.
 
I've been reading his 'travails' with the 4 yo and I can only cringe.

[jone]

Agreed.  We need the emoticon showing someone hiding under a chair.

[jmana]

Between you and me, that doesn't say much to me. Seriously.
 
I've been reading his 'travails' with the 4 yo and I can only cringe.

It's not that bad    I'm obviously only commenting about the negatives, but otherwise she's a good girl.  She just hasn't had a proper upbringing, and it's not even been 2 weeks so there is a lot of change for her to process so I'm sure things are aggravated by all the new things she's having to deal with.  I'm trying to not intervene too much right now, just observing as much as I can and trying to figure out where the issues are coming from.  One thing I am seeing is her mom spends a lot of time on the computer, and it seems that she uses the bad behavior to get attention.  But the thing that really puzzles me is she will come up to me and just kick or scratch me (with a smile on her face), for no reason.  Alina tells me her father (Alina's father) played with her like that, but I don't play along.  Yeah, there's a lot to fix, but I do think it's fixable. 

[Muzh]

It's not that bad    I'm obviously only commenting about the negatives, but otherwise she's a good girl.  She just hasn't had a proper upbringing, and it's not even been 2 weeks so there is a lot of change for her to process so I'm sure things are aggravated by all the new things she's having to deal with.  I'm trying to not intervene too much right now, just observing as much as I can and trying to figure out where the issues are coming from.  One thing I am seeing is her mom spends a lot of time on the computer, and it seems that she uses the bad behavior to get attention.  But the thing that really puzzles me is she will come up to me and just kick or scratch me (with a smile on her face), for no reason.  Alina tells me her father (Alina's father) played with her like that, but I don't play along.  Yeah, there's a lot to fix, but I do think it's fixable.

Betwen you and me, there is nothing to "fix." She's not broken. She's only four. Just be there for her. These will be trying times for all, especially a 4 yo. Don't try to "fix" her.

[southernX]

jmana
listen to the advice your getting and pay close attention to it , die cast and others are correct 

you need to exercise patience and understanding ,

i would not advise you to try to effect change to mucha t this early stage with your wife or daughter ,
imho
rather lead by example , behave how you wish to effect change , be very wary of building up a wall between you and the daughter , as it will divide your relationship with both mum and daughter ,

remember CRITISE AT YOUR PERIL ! it usually wont go over well in any form , so be proactive , rather than reactive , engage with the daughter to win her confidence and she will grow to you , for now you are just competition to her for her mums attention and time , she will adjust as she is a child ,


it would seem you did not do enough research and discovery in detail before you married ,
that is now revealing issues for'' YOU'   'that  ''YOU ''will now will have to overcome , its your responsibility , you chose it , dont try to change them , let them do it for themselves over time

good luck as i think you will need it , the next two years will be the hardest for both your wife and daughter , support them and be the role model of patience and understanding to them ,

SX

[jmana]

jmana
listen to the advice your getting and pay close attention to it , die cast and others are correct 

you need to exercise patience and understanding ,

i would not advise you to try to effect change to mucha t this early stage with your wife or daughter ,
imho
rather lead by example , behave how you wish to effect change , be very wary of building up a wall between you and the daughter , as it will divide your relationship with both mum and daughter ,

remember CRITISE AT YOUR PERIL ! it usually wont go over well in any form , so be proactive , rather than reactive , engage with the daughter to win her confidence and she will grow to you , for now you are just competition to her for her mums attention and time , she will adjust as she is a child ,


it would seem you did not do enough research and discovery in detail before you married ,
that is now revealing issues for'' YOU'   'that  ''YOU ''will now will have to overcome , its your responsibility , you chose it , dont try to change them , let them do it for themselves over time

good luck as i think you will need it , the next two years will be the hardest for both your wife and daughter , support them and be the role model of patience and understanding to them ,

SX

It's true, I probably didn't do enough "research" prior to agreeing to the move here, but the more I think about it the more I feel I would have never known about all this had they not moved here and I spent this time with them. 
I am really trying to figure out the best way to handle it all.  I am not trying to be too harsh on the daughter, the only time I've actually disciplined her is when she is trying to physically harm me or her mom.  And the discipline I've given is to sit her on the couch and not let her up until she settles down, but even that gets overridden by her mom.  So it's frustrating.  And I don't know what to say to Alina regarding her parenting skills without sounding like I'm trying to be her father or something.  But really, Alina sits there with her face buried in her laptop and doesn't even see half of the stuff her daughter is doing.  That's what's really frustrating me at this point, and something I had no clue about until she moved here.  I never knew she was so addicted to the internet, but she's really into Japanese boy bands and anime (yeah, I know it's odd), and she sits there writing about this stuff and looking at crap all day.  And yes, you can slam me for not knowing about this before, but when I was with her in St. Pete she never even picked up her phone when I was with her, let alone acted like she needed to get to her computer.  But now it seems she spends most of the day on it.  But maybe I'm wrong, I'm at work all day and I don't see what she does when I'm not here, but when I am here that's what she's doing.  I hate to even write about this here, because I know there are guys who told me before that I didn't know what I was doing and I should have visited her many more times in her country, but to be honest I don't think any of these issues would have become apparent even if I had.  Now I just have to make the best of it and figure it all out.

[FredC]

You should also remember that she is in a new place where she only knows you. So her internet usage may just be to fight her boredom.

[fathertime]

I am really trying to figure out the best way to handle it all.  I am not trying to be too harsh on the daughter, the only time I've actually disciplined her is when she is trying to physically harm me or her mom.  And the discipline I've given is to sit her on the couch and not let her up until she settles down, but even that gets overridden by her mom.  So it's frustrating.  .

Hi Jmana, 


I for one think you have a genuine medium sized problem here then....I agree 4-square with you intervening when your new stepdaughter is becoming physically violent...You need to have a stern conversation with your wife/fiance (i can't remember which)....she needs to understand that you are not going to sit for one moment of 'physical violence' towards yourself or mother... She may give you resistance at first as a kneejerk reaction but hey, you are the man of the household, and you can set some basic ground rules like that.  Your punishment seems mild and reasonable enough to start with...she is only 4...but you should nip it in the bud right now...over time, this is precisely the type of issue that can submarine a marriage...deal with it asap

You should also remember that she is in a new place where she only knows you. So her internet usage may just be to fight her boredom.

I agree with FredC, boredom is a factor...but to be earnest she may actually just be that type of person that uses the internet all the time...if that is the case think hard if that is the type of habit you are comfy with...especially if she is using the internet while her child is crying for attention, or has a basic need.


Good luck,
Fathertime!

[jmana]

I agree with FredC, boredom is a factor...but to be earnest she may actually just be that type of person that uses the internet all the time...if that is the case think hard if that is the type of habit you are comfy with...especially if she is using the internet while her child is crying for attention, or has a basic need.


Good luck,
Fathertime!

That's the issue I have, it's one thing to play around online if you're bored, but this is something else entirely.  She's really wrapped up in this Japanese stuff, I forget what it's even called, fan writing or something like that, but basically from what I can gather she writes on all these different sites about the various Japanese boy bands and actors and about asian anime.  I knew she was into the anime stuff, had no idea the extent until I found her linked to all these websites and noticed all these posts she makes online and noticing how many videos she watches about anime and "her Japanese boys".  So yeah, it seems to me, at least from the limited time they've been here and I've been able to observe them in a natural environment, that she ignores her daughter in favor of what's on her computer.  She's ignoring me too, if I go want to sit and talk to her I usually have to do so looking over top of the screen of her laptop while wondering if she's even hearing me because she still has one earphone in her ear    

[jone]

Doesn't sound like a good recipe for a marriage.

[southernX]

honestly jmana i think your in trouble already , but it may be just mho from what your writing here

see this is the thing that can happen when you dont know your wife well enough ,
thats not a blame thing mate , just an observation ,

anyway , the issue for you now is to not let resentment build in you , as it seems it already is , keep a lid on it or it will pour out at some stage on your wife or worse her daughter as your frustration builds over issues



have you sat your wife down and communicated any of this to her in a respectfull way yet ??
what was your expectation ?do you know what her expectations where on arriving here ?

did you talk any of this through before she arrived etc, ?


SX

[Gator]

Jmana,


Calm down, relax, take deep breaths. 


Alina has been here less than two weeks and you seem resentful.  The thoughts going through her head now are probably more exaggerated and off the wall than the thoughts you share with us.   




She needs her own time, time just for herself to do what she likes to do.  Who cares what interests her.  It is not a requirement that husband and wife must share the same hobbies.


Also, you seem to know too much about what she is doing.  Love is letting her be free.  No woman wants a cage, even a gilded cage.


Regarding the daughter, you need to be spending time with her, just you and your new daughter.  Show her Sponge Bob.  Teach her A, B, Cs.  Play kitchen.  And Alina will welcome the rest you give her.


Good luck.   And keep checking back.

[CanadaMan]

So yeah, it seems to me, at least from the limited time they've been here and I've been able to observe them in a natural environment, that she ignores her daughter in favor of what's on her computer.  She's ignoring me too, if I go want to sit and talk to her I usually have to do so looking over top of the screen of her laptop while wondering if she's even hearing me because she still has one earphone in her ear

I hear they have psychologists these days who specialize in treating patients who are addicted to the internet.

The only problem is that it's almost impossible to get an appointment with them because they are usually online doing research about internet addictions.

[jmana]

Jmana,


Calm down, relax, take deep breaths. 


Alina has been here less than two weeks and you seem resentful.  The thoughts going through her head now are probably more exaggerated and off the wall than the thoughts you share with us.   




She needs her own time, time just for herself to do what she likes to do.  Who cares what interests her.  It is not a requirement that husband and wife must share the same hobbies.


Also, you seem to know too much about what she is doing.  Love is letting her be free.  No woman wants a cage, even a gilded cage.


Regarding the daughter, you need to be spending time with her, just you and your new daughter.  Show her Sponge Bob.  Teach her A, B, Cs.  Play kitchen.  And Alina will welcome the rest you give her.


Good luck.   And keep checking back.

I don't want to be resentful, but I have risked a lot on her and I did that based on who I thought she was.  I thought she was a good mom.  And maybe she is, like you said, it's only been 2 weeks.  And I'm not trying to over react to anything right now, like I said I'm just in observation mode.  But I do feel at some point soon I am going to have to sit down and have a discussion with her about things, and so yours and others advice at this point is really helpful.  It's good to have some other views onto the whys of the situation.  I think it will work out, it's just going to take some time. 

[Ade]

I don't want to be resentful, but I have risked a lot on her and I did that based on who I thought she was.