Influence Your Luck

[Turboguy]

Yes, I have thought that myself, that she might be bi-polar.  As much as I wanted it to work and loved her, the truth is I am probably lucky she went back to Russia.

[Photo Guy]

Defining 'intuition' - 'gut instincts'.

I don't think intuition is something that depends entirely on psychic impressions, although that may be a part of it. I see instincts and intuition as processes that rely on the ability to 'perceive'. As we grow up, we train ourselves to judge people. The quicker we can do this, the better, for our survival. I agree with the idea that most of our communications are non-verbal. We can use information that we glean through non-verbal communication. (Obviously, regular verbal communication can come in handy, especially when she wants you to do something unreasonable.) <grin> Back to 'intuition'. Take a good look at how she treats other people, how she reacts to events around her, what she chooses to do with her time. What someone does, is often a more powerful indicator than what someone says. When you add up all of the little details about her, you are actually going through the process of 'intuition' or using your gut instincts. This is just my opinion, mostly unverified by scientific study. ..It's my own personal study. If you develop the  ability, 'intuition' will be able to tell you in a very short time period that she is or is not marriage material. When you find out later that her mom expects you to live in Kharkov for the rest of your lives, then you'll have to deal with that, along with her alcoholic papa.<wink> My point is, that nothing is guaranteed in life and it's okay to admit that life has an element of luck to it. BTW, 'Point Blank' is a great movie that deals with the luck thang. 

Larisa told me about how she donated her time to helping orphans in her city. For me, this helped form an inuitive picture of a good-natured person, who is not too self-centered. I think there will always be an element of doubt in the beginning- when you are 'cautious' about who you choose to be your friend or lover, it's natural to be skeptical in the beginning. I've seen caution thrown to the wind, when guys find themselves between the sheets of a beautiful woman, who may be less than trustworthy. In that situation, it may be easy to trash your intuitions and favor your lust instead.

My main idea here, is that 'intuition' and 'gut instincts' are processes that are based on perceptions or observations. Some people are able to size-up strangers quickly, while others do not. I think it's an ability that can be gained and refined. I am certainly no expert at it, but I do think it's a valuable tool for discovering the character of the woman in question.  -doug

[BC]

Doug,

The first moment I saw my (now) wife I thought naaa... In fact I did not feel that attracted to her.  Half hour later after a good bit of intro-conversation I had one of those rare deja-vu moments and knew inside deep inside that we belonged together..  The second time we met I even was bold enough to read her palm and tell her there was a surprise in store for her that would evolve by the end of the year (no specifics). 

We then had a two month pause where we could not communicate, then met again for a few days.  She was quite surprised as the trip was not planned. Travelling on business just put us in the same place at the same time again..  One month later we met in Ukraine (planned trip) and then followed on to her home town in RU.  We spent three weeks together. I proposed, spent time with her family, daughter and received engagement blessings from her parents.

Next trip one month later we were married in RU (three week trip).  I returned home to do the immigration application and then went again a month later to get her visa in RU. Spent Xmas and New Years together, then finally left together to our 'home'. 

Yes, something 'clicked' very early on.. maybe 'intuition' or 'perception' or 'gut instinct' or fate' or '[other term describing magical properties]' was present.. but it was certainly not a one shot deal. 

When I first stumbled across RW fora, I thought my experience was the 'one week wonder' thing so many were talking about..

Yes, we are both still convinced that we had surreal, magical moments that first week well over four years ago, but it was the follow-up that really produced tangible results.

Pulling rabbits out of hats though is not magic, it's pure illusion. 
   

[Markus]

Wow, I like the activity. Unfortunately, I had some reading to do.

Captmonk1,

Since my statements on your post were not addressed, perhaps I'm correct. The subject is always clear to the "writer" so scratch that justification. I'll admit that you didn't apply "bad luck" to yourself, but you did begin the next sentence about "luck." Then you go to "bad luck."  Your answer is that you were applying the topic of luck because Maxx ticked you off  So, how did you switch to "bad luck" from the beginning? All I'm saying is that you spoke of three different types of luck, with luck itself being one of those subjects. If the title is luck and you start with "bad luck", what the heck do you really want to say. Of course, this thread has evolved beyond that question.
 
You then, as I stated, answer your own questions. Am I wrong? Are your answers the opposite of your own questions? I alluded to an elementary student being able to do what you did. Here's an example. Dick and Jane like Spot. Your answer: Dick and Jane don't like Spot. Your answers were useless. I was hoping for some thought.

Since your whole post is based upon solely opinion, how in the world can a newbie obtain any relevance from what you stated? If opinion is your stronghold, that means you don't have any experience in anything that you have claimed to bring "bad luck." Or, do you want to change your story? If, opinion rules, let's ask Pee Wee Herman his opinion. Opinions are excellent in most threads, but, when a man who provides specifics on how not to find an FSUW based solely upon opinion, the person giving the opinion doesn't give a flip about educating men in this process. Give facts based upon what you know and when offering an opinion, clarify it.

AJ,

I need to be careful with you because I don't want you to "call me out." My motorcycle might keep up with yours, but, I think you would be able to show the difference between a man who has experience and a man who does not. You would beat me on the track, but I have been on the track before. You do try do agree with CM but you have experience. So, your opinion is based upon experience. Should all men avoid non-English speaking FSUW because it didn't work out for you or should men do the opposite and go for it since it's working out for me?  Am I an exception? My buddy at work who has been married for 13 years, was a OWW, and his wife didn't speak English is still going strong. If I had motivation based upon you or Captmonk's thoughts, I'm going to do what you guys think. Fortunately, I know that if you beat me on the track, I'm not going to quit what I began. That means I don't want any man who encounters a relationship that didn't work out to don't blame it on English speaking ability; Frankly, I find that as a justification on your part.  I am not an exception, I am PROOF. I've already discussed my thoughts in a thread on the subject of non-English versus English speaking women, but I can say that men are missing out on some good ladies if they believe Captmonk1?

AJ,

You then continue with asking if I have experience in marrying an FSUW who speaks English. I'll give you the benefit of knowing me from this board, but should I answer yes? The answer is no and tell me what the correlation between marrying an FSUW who speaks fluent English versus marrying an AW? What is your point? Keep in mind we are talking about married situations. It's not a mystery in knowing that meeting any woman from anywhere who speaks English will increase the conversation that could lead to "bad luck" but, avoids the implied "fact" that meeting an FSUW who speaks English will also bring "bad luck." Either I'm experiencing men who are mentally lazy, don't want to put forth an effort, are afraid of FSUW who don't speak fluent English, or just have an opinion and care to gain applause, I have not experienced any man who can tell me that going for a non-English speaking FSUW will increase your luck, I mean bad luck, I mean bad luck. The readers will sort it out as the poster hoped.

[BC]

The level of relationship is dependent on the level of communication achieved.

Communicate 10% and your relationship is 10%.

I can imagine some will be happy not communicating and just 'getting some'.  hmm.. Maybe I would still be with my ex GF today if she was mute..  OTOH no pillow talk?.. naa..

I guess not being able to communicate well could make it easier in the beginning by retarding adjustment issues..

FWIW, for those still on their honeymoon, the first 3 to 6 months here was a breeze.  The really tough period was around 9 to 15 months.

Don't count chickens still in fragile shells.

[tim 360]

One Week,  To a very large degree humans are social animals.  There are some exceptions. Communication and commonality of language is a very integral ingredient for communication among homo sapiens.  Some communication is possile without language although limited.

Normally women do try to communicate with speech. Some women need to communicate more than others.  Some men also have this trait.  Good luck,

[Turboguy]

Can going for a non English speaking girl increase you "good" luck rather than your "bad".   I am not advocating it.   I am just throwing a thought out.   It seems to me that there are a lot of guys that would not even think about a gal with no English.  Therefore it seems to me that if you find one you really like the competition will be a lot less.

I think back to a statement my best gal made a few meetings ago when I asked her why she was looking for a foreign man.   She answered "Because Russian men don't want me"   It would seem possible to me that if you could normally find a gal in the FSU who was a 6, it is possible you could attract an 8 who did not know English because other American men don't want her?  I don't know too many men who would not rather have a sincere 8 than a sincere 6.

Ok, I will change the subject before anyone starts throwing rotten tomatoes.   About Doug's statement that he was impressed by Larisa's volunteering at the orphanage and my statement that the gal I met in Kiev would not walk past a babushka without putting coins in her cup.

I think both those are signs they are good gals, however sometimes people are motivated differently than what they appear.   For example, it seems to me that I have met a lot of people who seemed to wear their religion on their sleeve, who needed to preach to everyone they meet about religion and deep down in they have honesty issues or a past they are trying to deal with by compensting with religion.  I am not knocking religion or religious people.   There are good ones, I just often worry when I meet someone who is too religious.  Didn't a lot of mafia Don's get where they were by helping people with their problems?  How about pedophile priests?  I am sure many people looked up to them.  Does that make them good?  I think sometimes people with noble causes are adopting them to deal with their own insecurities or issues with their inner psyche.  Other times they just want to help people and do good.  I think it can go either way.  Just another thought.

[BC]

I think back to a statement my best gal made a few meetings ago when I asked her why she was looking for a foreign man.   She answered "Because Russian men don't want me"   It would seem possible to me that if you could normally find a gal in the FSU who was a 6, it is possible you could attract an 8 who did not know English because other American men don't want her?  I don't know too many men who would not rather have a sincere 8 than a sincere 6.

Ok, I will change the subject before anyone starts throwing rotten tomatoes.   

Oh comeon Turbo... just one..

"Because Russian men don't want me"

hmm..

IIRC Luda and did seem pretty cute, probably this other gal does too.. so maybe there were other reasons besides looks that made it difficult to find a RU man interested in persuing her for a real relationship?

Yeah go ahead and play the numbers guys.. Heck why not go for a 10 no one else seems to be interested in..

Think about it.

[jb]

I applaud the success of men like the OWW, it is obvious that he has invested heavily of his time and resources to make it work.  However, I think those who continue to so loudly espouse this idea that men are passing up a lot of good women just because they don't speak some English are leading their own little parade and beating a very small drum.   For every man who successfully brings a K-1 bride over who speaks little or no English we have read 10 experiences in countless trip reports where men have been frustrated by the inability to communicate by any means other than a paid interperter.  The thinking man understands that he can't bring the interperter home along with the bride, and without outside help his relationship is going to be problematic. Usually the end result is an unsuccessful romance, and the man moves on.   No one ever factors this into the equation because those 10 girls never make it to the K-1 visa interview.   I cannot count the number of PMs I've received over the years from guys who say things like; "Gosh, jb, you were so right, this new g/f speaks pretty good English and this is so much easier now".

We've seen lots of recent examples right here.  Clyde often posts of problems with his new bride, which are usually based around misunderstandings on either his or his wife's part.  Photoguy is another example of this phenomena.  None of these men like to admit a judgement error, but I'll bet that neither of them started out with the idea in mind that he wanted a marriage with built-in problems of this magnitude.  One can argue till he's blue in the face that these are "good" women, and I'll bet they'd be right, they probably are good women, just not "good" for that man.  I know when I asked my wife to marry I didn't do it because I wanted more difficulties in my life.  Life is hard enough.  Why go looking for trouble? 

Lack of language ability complicates the adjustment and Americanization/Westernization process, compounds the culture shock, lengthens the time when a man and woman can begin to feel comfortable in the relationship, hinders family building, and just generally leads to overall unhappiness for both parties.  To any man who disagrees with that statement I would say; you just don't know very much about women.  Women are very verbal creatures, in fact I'm convinced Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone with women in mind just to give himself a break from his wife's incessant chatter.  Russian woman are no different, put a RW in a situation where she has difficulty in communicating and you will very soon have an frustrated and unhappy woman on your hands.  She may decide to tough it out, she may be a good woman with every intention of making her marriage work, but the marriage is going to have it's problems.  This of course is one of those YMMV things.

To use the argument that by looking for a woman with poor communication skills a man can make a leap from a 6 to an 8 is so ludicrous as to not warrant a serious answer.  This coming from T/G is no surprise. 

[KenC]

BC,
I agree with you 100%. I've often wondered if the AM are in denial that their RW are not playing the field in the fsu countries while they attempt to play the field in America too. I would have to say that I was very aware that my wife was a desireable woman to me, the thousands of my fellow AM searching the Net and surely to the Russian guys too. She didn't live in a vacuum during our courtship. I "won" her over and never thought that I was her only option.
KenC

[PeeWee]

I have tried to communicate with only one RW who could not speak English. The expense of the inturpretur in conjunction with the photo calls was beyond what I wanted to invest. There are enough women in FSU who speak English looking for men there should be no need to broaded your search scope.

With the exception of one, every woman that I have communicated with have had a 5 skill level in English. Even then there can still be some miscommunication when a word can have a different meaning in both English and Russian. And example would be "clever".  Her accent can change the word so that it is understandable sometime as well. The word was used correctly but her accent can make a word that begs repeating.

I am all for the elimination of one hurdle in the row of many that stands between the first phone call to her and the end of your 1st year of marriage. A common language that is well used by both parties involved. Lena actually has a larger English vocabulary than I do. Several times I have had to go to an English dictionary to learn what the heck it is that she is telling me. I know that I have no problems with her in the language department. And she has told me that when she arrives in the US that it is her mission to do two things. To learn the rules of grammar so well that she could teach English at the university level and to lose her Russian accent. Even if she only accomplishes a percent of that goal she at least had the desire to try to perfect her second language. We will both be heads and shoulders above the non communicative couple.

Peewee

[KenC]

I have tried to communicate with only one RW who could not speak English. The expense of the inturpretur in conjunction with the photo calls was beyond what I wanted to invest. There are enough women in FSU who speak English looking for men there should be no need to broaded your search scope.

With the exception of one, every woman that I have communicated with have had a 5 skill level in English. Even then there can still be some miscommunication when a word can have a different meaning in both English and Russian. And example would be "clever".  Her accent can change the word so that it is understandable sometime as well. The word was used correctly but her accent can make a word that begs repeating.

I am all for the elimination of one hurdle in the row of many that stands between the first phone call to her and the end of your 1st year of marriage. A common language that is well used by both parties involved. Lena actually has a larger English vocabulary than I do. Several times I have had to go to an English dictionary to learn what the heck it is that she is telling me. I know that I have no problems with her in the language department. And she has told me that when she arrives in the US that it is her mission to do two things. To learn the rules of grammar so well that she could teach English at the university level and to lose her Russian accent. Even if she only accomplishes a percent of that goal she at least had the desire to try to perfect her second language. We will both be heads and shoulders above the non communicative couple.

Peewee

Peewee,
I question the highlighted statement. With all the "newness" of bringing a woman to a foreign country, there usually isn't much time left for any deep analysis of such a relationship. Even with all the apparent first year difficulties, the couples focus for the first year and more are really directed toward your woman's assimilation. I found that the real deep introspection of our relationship didn't come until much later in our relationship. My point is, is that the first year or even the first two years still doesn't guarantee a successful marriage is in the works.
KenC

[Turboguy]

I think I posted already that I seem to have a hard time developing rapport with a gal with no English.   I was just trying to bring out the pros and the cons.  My second sentence in that post said "I am not advocating it."   I do think there is some logic to everyone looking to do the best they can do.   If a guy can get a 6 or and 8 most guys will go for the 8.  If the 8's are not interested in him he will be happy with the 6.   The more guys competing the more chance she will find someone she likes better.   If you have 3 girls to choose from you will pick the one you like best.  If you have 100 to choose from you will go crazy trying to decide and likely not pick any.

As far as the comment about Russian men not wanting her that was because she is 36 and has a child.  As far as beauty, she will not win any beauty contests but I am sure if she walked into any singles bar looking for a bunkmate she would not have a bit of problem.  Luda was much prettier, but Tatiana is much nicer.

Ken, I think what is a successful marriage is hard to know.   I was married for 18 years and never considered my marriage a success.  My wife did, except for at the very end, and people who knew us did.  I think success is measured in decades not years and in the hearts and the minds of both.  That is just a comment and not aimed at anyone.

jb, you are saying Clyde made a judgement error?  Personally I think he made the best call of his life.  Sure it has not been a bed of roses.  If that is all you want, FTD works fine.  I am not even so sure that Photoguy did.  I think if he had not tried it he would have laid awake nights thinking never able to forgive himself.  Lets not get into that though.  

Some guys want an easy path to happiness, some find the challenges along the way make things more interesting.   I think for some of us when we face challenges if we do succeed it gives more of a sense of satisfaction.  That I have to say hypothetically, at least for now.

[jb]

T/G,

For the life of me I can't make out your logic.

I suppose it makes sense to you in some Quasimodo-like sort of way if all you are interested in is the youngest and prettiest woman, that one which you know would be over your head and out of your league in ordinary dating situations.  Like Quasimodo, and some others on this board, you men over a certain age depend on a woman's desperation to overcome societal taboos.  I'm not saying you can't succeed, I just question your tactics and motives.

[Turboguy]

jb, sometimes you seem to have a habit of confusing some of the ideas I throw out for discussion with my practices.   For the third time I have a hard time establishing a rapport with a girl who does not know English.

I am not saying I am trying to be reasonable with my approach to meeting women if we want to talk about my own current practices.  I am trying to be a little more reasonable than perhaps I was in the past.  I am not saying I have given up on younger women, but I actually did write to a gal the other day who was 55.  Yes, I write a few gals who are 26 and drop dead gorgeous but I am not taking them very seriously.   I had a first letter a few hours ago from a gal who was 31 and totally stunning.  I am also not taking her seriously.   I am focusing more on gals who are a tad older and not quite the type who looks like they would belong in a fashion catalog.  I have only one serious candidate in the quite young category and she is not a beauty queen by any standards.  My leading candidate is 36 and quite average in looks but a very nice person who I am very comfortable with.

[jb]

T/G,

Maybe it's because I have a hard time believing a leopard can change his spots.  You have spent the better part of a year and a half trying to convince us that 60+ y.o. men chasing 20's y.o. women is normal.  Why would I now think you have seen the "light"?

[PeeWee]

Peewee,
I question the highlighted statement. With all the "newness" of bringing a woman to a foreign country, there usually isn't much time left for any deep analysis of such a relationship. Even with all the apparent first year difficulties, the couples focus for the first year and more are really directed toward your woman's assimilation. I found that the real deep introspection of our relationship didn't come until much later in our relationship. My point is, is that the first year or even the first two years still doesn't guarantee a successful marriage is in the works.
KenC

This is true of any marriage between two people anywhere in the world. Another hurddle, such as a language barrier only adds to the struggle. The Borg "assimilates" we humans learn and grow either together, or apart.

With regard to introspection. That is  you and not me. I am have never been the introspective type. It only causes depression in me. I do not see me introspecting anything about a relationship between two people. Maybe that is way I was not too interested in knowing a whole heck of a lot about her past but was more interested in knowing about her present and what the future might hold. I was the one who avoided all history classes in both high school and college. History does have its place but the present and the future is where it's at, man.

Peewee

[Photo Guy]

KenC's right about the first phase is all about assimilation, when she arrives here. The 90 days was a pressure cooker because of cultural assimilation, the language barrier, and adapting to living with each other. Sometimes, it was like being caught in the cross-fire.

In retrospect, the language barrier was a tough challenge, but she had the positive attitude of wanting to learn English and she made large strides in that area. Her teacher was proud of her. We had fights that involved language and/or cultural misunderstandings. Those problems were acceptable. Why? Because we enjoyed each other's company most of the time. There was fun. There was love.

Out of left field, came the deal-breakers. Her parents, who missed her very much, demanded that she return home to Ukraine. Her father was going 'crazy'. Mix that in with her missing her friends and familiar culture, while feeling anxiety about American culture. Also add the effect of her bad health, including migraines. I did the best I could to deal with those unexpected challenges. Had she spoken fluent English, I do not think things would've been any better. I guess she would've been able to explain in intricate detail why her parents were freaking out.

I know you may not want to hear this, but I do not regret my association with her, or my love for her.
I valued her presence. It's that simple. I found her to be fascinating. I have many great memories, like dragging her through the warm pool water, as she held onto my neck, going for a ride. Or her cute smile when I kissed her good night...   etc.

[Jumper]

OWW- i was being sarcastic when asking if you had prior  experience married to a english speaking woman.
and the *luck* that may or not imply ..

also i think you missed the part where i stated that it was just a preference,my preference to date women with good or decentenlgish..
and that far too many couples had made a success without an initial common language to dispute that it works.

as far as being afraid of dating women i cant easily speak to..well who knows maybe you are right ?

I think it is a hurdle many can overcome, and just dint find the need to jump it..it dint seem a hard obstical to avoid.
if i had met someone special and felt strongly about them , regardless thier language skills i am sure we would have worked thru it, or attempted to like many have.

It seems to me that there are a lot of guys that would not even think about a gal with no English.  Therefore it seems to me that if you find one you really like the competition will be a lot less.

the competition in the RW "agency girl" world is of course much higher in english fluent ladies?

But i'll throw out another idea..maybe thats not such a bad thing?
it might even "inflence your luck"

I never minded the competition, at all.
i knew my wife had many suitors, both local and abroad,
if i could win her over, then it would be something real..not imagined?
if i couldnt, then wish much success to her and to the man that won her heart.. and move on.

few men want a woman full of desparation or wanting to "get out"
if that is the motivation the first financially stable man would do..?

I would even venture to say ,in this RW business,
 the healthier your competition,
the better things are for you ..ultimately.

If you want to pursue a great woman ,
even though she lacks skills in english, that seems a reasonable thing to do , as afterall it can certainly be overcome with time.

I'm certainly not sure i would target nonenglish speakers as a preceived  *easier  route* because of less competition for her hand?
That seems backwards..to me.

[Jumper]

The 90 days was a pressure cooker because of cultural assimilation, the language barrier, and adapting to living with each other. Sometimes, it was like being caught in the cross-fire.

Doug, i feel sorry for those couples going thru it..
some have it worse than others for sure.

of course noone will ever know wether or not her english ablity was a deciding factor..entirely possible the family was..

but the language barrier certainly adds to the difficulty of coming to grips with a new location, living thru it myself once, i can tell you it was the biggest hurdle in my case..
I'm certainly not advising  men to not pursue a RW with limited english..
just hoping they  recognize and try the best they can to prepare for the usual difficulties of doing so,and not make light of those hardships .

can your luck or odds be increased by dating english speaking RW?

well it would seem to overcome one hurdle , so you would think so.

but it would likely depend on the individual RW.

a fluent one might have a personality and outlook that made her really struggle with adapting here, or not have strong ties to her fiancee/husband.

a RW with limited english can have a great attitude and determination  to get thru it and acclimate , and have strongfeelkingfor her fiancee and fare much better.

the key is the man recognizing the difference in the two?

likely easier to do with someone fluent  , is all many here are saying.

and there is little argument that a fluent RW, with a the same great atitude and strong feelings for her fiancee/husband, will have it far easier than either of the other cases?

My wifes greatest difficulty , was family, and the fact she had never really wanted to relocate..

each individual is so different,
 that general advice seldom fits,,
hence all these long threads lol

[KenC]

Photoguy,
I have told you this privately before, but I do not think I could ever "pull the trigger" on a marriage within the 90 days allowed with a K-1 visa.  The setting is so unnatural with "big brother" breathing down your neck and all. I guess the government really means for you to use the 90 days to plan your wedding and nothing more.  I don't know if you can even plan a proper wedding within that time limit to be honest.

I don't think anyone here finds any joy in the fact that you and Larisa didn't marry. I know I don't. You say "I do not regret my association with her, or my love for her".
That is all fine and good but I have a sincere question for you though: Do you ever think that maybe you blew your chances with her by being too hasty? I mean maybe, just maybe if you had taken the lead in your relationship and not allowed her to talk you into her coming here before a second trip there, you may have been able to schmooze the inlaws a bit. They may have been much more comfortable knowing you and just whom their daughter was with in America. More time could have also brought Larisa's bad English classes to light, there by giving her more time to improve her language skills before she arrived here. Heck, even her migraines and other medical issues would not be so surprising to you. If you take all this into consideration and think that some could have been avoided or at least planned for, the out come might have been very different. Don't you think?
KenC

[Photo Guy]

KenC,
Yes, you are right. Good points.

Hindsight is 20/20, which means that looking back, it is now easier to see a better course of action. There is still the possibility of going over there to her city and seeing where it leads. We'll probably make a decision in about a month.  I think I can sum it up by saying that I chose the 'right' woman, but did not look close enough at her connection with her home and her parents. Yes, visiting her in her city would have given me some insights, no doubt about it. Part of the problem is that Larisa and her parents were all surprised by their own need for each other, surprised they missed each other so much. Also, there is the psychology of her parents- they had lost a young daughter, before Larisa was born. I can't imagine the degree of guilt or possessiveness that might involve... 

[BillyB]

A little quote I ran across today that fits well in this thread.
“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” Seneca 1st century AD

[KenC]

KenC,
Yes, you are right. Good points.

Hindsight is 20/20, which means that looking back, it is now easier to see a better course of action. There is still the possibility of going over there to her city and seeing where it leads. We'll probably make a decision in about a month.  I think I can sum it up by saying that I chose the 'right' woman, but did not look close enough at her connection with her home and her parents. Yes, visiting her in her city would have given me some insights, no doubt about it. Part of the problem is that Larisa and her parents were all surprised by their own need for each other, surprised they missed each other so much. Also, there is the psychology of her parents- they had lost a young daughter, before Larisa was born. I can't imagine the degree of guilt or possessiveness that might involve... 

Fair nuff, Doug,
This process is a very high risk adventure at best. The chances of true success are very small and wrought with landmines at almost every step of the way. In order to be successful you do need to be a little lucky, but at the same time there are steps that can be taken in order to "make your own luck" too. I believe that is what Captmonk is addressing in his original post here.

It is easy to say "if it was meant to be then it will happen." But in reality there is much one can do to eliminate as many of the risks as possible. Just as professional gamblers are willing to take the risks, but know the odds before hand and usually won't make any silly bets, a guy going through this process shouldn't push his luck too far either. I believe that one has only so much luck.

I know that I look like a guy that is ultra conservative and doesn't appear to be much of a risk taker. But in my mind I have already cashed in my fair share of luck. I found the love of my life on the other side of the planet. The fact that I find her to be one of the most beautiful, intelligent and classy women that I have ever met, is plenty enough luck for one man. If I add that she also happens to be madly in love with me (for reasons I have never really understood), that we happen to be so compatible that it is sometimes scary and that she is also 25 years my junior, well then forgive me for never asking for any additional luck to be thrown my way ever again.

Doug, you just pushed your luck too far IMO. You did so many things "wrong" (IMO) that you were bound to fall short some where at sometime. Your actions stacked the odds so heavily against you that it made success almost impossible. I have to say that I admire your ability to look at the bright side of your adventure. With all my criticisms of your actions (and we all know there has been many) I'm going to offer some more advice to you. If you still truly believe that Larisa is the woman for you, then damn it, go for it. Don't wait for her to decide whether or not you should visit, call her and tell her you are coming. Get your butt over there and do whatever it takes to win her over. And win her parents over. It's not too late to get this right. I just know that finding the right woman is like finding a needle in a haystack. And when you do find the right one for you, you must do everything in your power to "make it happen." Maybe, just maybe you will succeed this time. Maybe it will take even another trip, So what? It is never too late to get it right. Good luck to you.
KenC

[ConnerVT]

A little quote I ran across today that fits well in this thread.
“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” Seneca 1st century AD

Funny, that is the same sentiment I've been trying to teach my 7 y.o. son.  If you put yourself in places where good things may happen to you, chances are good things will happen.  If you put yourself in situations where trouble happens, then you stand a better chance of finding yourself in trouble.

It applies to the search of a wife also.  If you try to buck the odds, chances are you will come away with less than a good result.  Yes, 00 (double zero) has a great payoff on a roulette wheel, but how many people make a fortune by betting on it all of the time?

Now, I believe that there is a higher percentage of sincere RW looking for a serious (read:marriage) relationship on the Internet than the percentage of AW looking for the same thing.  This is what drew me there in the first place.  But the percentage is certainly not 100%.  To "infuence your luck", one needs to avoid the obvious losing bets.  Looking for the most beautiful, the youngest, etc. lowers your chance for success.  Yes, some people play their quarters, and hit the Super Mega-Jackpot on the slot machines.  But one is better off playing the games with more realistic odds, and one that they understand the rules (and the risks).