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Author Topic: The Sudden Silent treatment  (Read 7344 times)

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Online msmob

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #50 on: January 09, 2018, 08:58:38 AM »
They are both young, they weren't married or had kids and it didn't work
out. He can spend lots of time being angry, disappointed and such or he
can shake it off and move on. I suggest shaking it off and moving on,
what would you suggest?

Sorry Beel,

I was too quick to 'jump in' ..   didn't explain my PoV

Yes, the guy is young - and ?......   My parents had me at 23(Dad, just 23) and Mum 21 respectively ...   Death parted them and they had a good marriage.

If the guy loved the lass - simply trying to find a replacement is not a cure all - IF he doesn't know where / how he went 'wrong' in his choice, before how's he going to avoid the same, again ?

If you genuinely have strong feeling for someone - they don't disappear overnight

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Offline GQBlues

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #51 on: January 09, 2018, 10:55:22 AM »
...
If you genuinely have strong feeling for someone - they don't disappear overnight


LMAO!


He didn't disappear. She did. Hello?!?


I know you gotta be getting the clue by now considering your statement above.
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Offline Jumper

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #52 on: January 09, 2018, 11:17:21 AM »
He can ponder something as random as a woman's heart for eternity.

Sure he may have made mistakes, and some introspection can help in future relationships if that's the case.

Or she could have simply had a change of heart over him being her entire future man,met another man, sneezed three times in a row, or a million other things not directly related to some character flaw he may not even have.


Best to not even think about it and move on.
If anything he could reflect on why he dint read her better prior, because i agree with GQ, that there were some clues prior to a *you have stronger feelings, than I do talk.*
She had felt like that a bit,if not all along,  is most likely the case.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2018, 03:13:39 PM by Jumper »
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Online msmob

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #53 on: January 09, 2018, 12:22:58 PM »

LMAO!


He didn't disappear. She did. Hello?!?

Hmm...  'they' referred to the person breaking off contact ... :coffeeread:

I know you gotta be getting the clue by now considering your statement above.

I know you were simply inattentive - what is it with N.America, today- write first, read later  ? :)))
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Offline GQBlues

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #54 on: January 09, 2018, 01:29:57 PM »
Hmm...  'they' referred to the person breaking off contact ... :coffeeread:

I know you were simply inattentive - what is it with N.America, today- write first, read later  ? :) ))


LMAO! ...and you're here doling out dating advice? I'll stack my 'social history' over yours, man. Any day that ends on a 'y'.
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Online msmob

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #55 on: January 09, 2018, 01:35:49 PM »

LMAO! ...and you're here doling out dating advice? I'll stack my 'social history' over yours, man. Any day that ends on a 'y'.

Oh dear, you've gone from bad to worse ...

I'm discussing use of the English language and paying attention to what is written  - which you clearly [ still ] haven't   ... 


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Offline GQBlues

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #56 on: January 09, 2018, 01:41:53 PM »
He can ponder something as random as a woman's heart for eternity.

Sure he may have made mistakes, and some introspection can help in future relationships if that's the case.

Or she could have simply had a change of heart over him being her entire future man,met another man, sneezed three times in a row, or a million other things not directly related to some character flaw he may not even have.


Best to not even think about it and move on.
If anything he could reflect on why he dint read her better prior, because i agree with GQ, that there were some clues prior to a *you have stronger felling than I do talk.*
She had felt like that a bit,if not all along,  is most likely the case.


There was a prolific poster here (and RWG) before that was a psychologist. RKN777 I believe was his moniker. Great guy. He might be a friend of 'jb'. He was on a 'search', too. But the interesting thing was, he had a knack of separating 'logic'/rational state  from his emotional state, and this was so illuminating when he filed his own T/R.


What he observed during his tenure was the vast majority of newbies, especially those lacking in social skills at home, or those who are just lacking simple interaction evaluation was that, most of these guys (WM) are what he termed 'limerent'. Persons who easily fall in the state of 'limerence'. The false sense of falling in love, infatuation, obsession, etc...then all sense of logic all but disappear.


It was interesting how he was detailing his own experience/s during his T/R, faced with the same uncertainties and challenges most everyone faces during theirs. Yet in the end, he had the faculty to rationalize his experience and laid out his explanation.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2018, 01:45:40 PM by GQBlues »
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Offline GQBlues

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #57 on: January 09, 2018, 01:44:42 PM »
Oh dear, you've gone from bad to worse ...

I'm discussing use of the English language and paying attention to what is written  - which you clearly [ still ] haven't   ...


Oh! My comprehension of what you 'stated' is spot on. It's ironic to me of your continued display of cluelessness. Toss the shovel aside, the hole you're standing on is deep enough.
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Online Trenchcoat

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #58 on: January 09, 2018, 04:37:19 PM »
Gotta agree 100%.  Business wise many Russians have little courtesy.  I've had job interviews where they don't bother to tell you if you got the job or not.  One time I was offered a job, started the visa process but the letter of invitation never came.  I e-mailed them a few times, got no response and figured they just changed their mind.  Rude but typical behaviour.

I think this is probably the type of behaviour at the heart of most FSW & FSU society. A kind of 'go for what you want' suit yourself sort of society and don't concern yourself about others. Hence why if the girl is into you all is fine but if she is not then she has her own agenda to being with you and won't concern herself how it might adversely affect you. So getting what you want being most important. Chances are its not done out of malice but a way Soviet society coping with the harsh conditions. i.e you've got to take what you can.

Probably not an exclusive value to the FSU either. Like a very working class relat I've of mine  here in the UK used to say, 'If you don't ask you don't get'. So a sort of focus on needing 'to get' what you want. We just need to find a FSW that wants us. Though I think some members on here may satisfy a FSW in others ways ;D

Offline Jumper

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #59 on: January 09, 2018, 06:10:28 PM »
Trench,  FSU families /  friends are generally very close.They watch out for each other, in all aspects. it's not completely an *It's all me * centered society.
Soviet likely molded it more into a * closer ,tighter, circle of trust* and a general  distrust  of anyone outside of that small circle.

I think in some cases it carries past into  to things like life experiences or items.
If it's outside their experience, it's initially distrusted, or bad, until proven otherwise.

As far as building relationships, if you arnt in that circle, you are evaluated carefully until you are in it.
If you show any signs of not being trustworthy ,or someone to have a future with, you're out.Normally quite swiftly and cleanly , no fuss, no muss,and there is no reason to explain anything.

Regardless they are generally very hospitable and polite to any guest.

Also, a Russian man would have not had a second thought regarding this girl or her actions.


Granted thats all a bunch of generalities, that mean nothing when dealing with any given  individual.

« Last Edit: January 09, 2018, 06:13:04 PM by Jumper »
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Offline chooter

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #60 on: January 09, 2018, 08:37:40 PM »
I suppose I'm one of the more fortunate ones whose wife had already been working in Atlanta for five years and was pretty much fluent in English when we met, but not per say fluent in a lot of culture differences.

This may or may not help this person understand what happened in any way by the girl disappearing on him especially at his age.

My wife told me one time that a RW and an AM, or any foreign man, may have a lot of things in common but, she may not be into the relationship like the man is. She read this thread and made the comment:

At their young ages, no woman in the world knows what she really wants in life yet. It's possible, for whatever reasons, she wanted out of the relationship and she didn't exactly know how to tell him due to their culture and a language difference, and that does matter. So, maybe not wanting to get into a debate about it and neither of them not really understanding each other, she took a trait of a RW and took the high road out of the relationship and ended it with no explanation as to why.

I think what my wife was saying was, he didn't really understand her and she didn't really understand him. Then again, who knows other than her. Maybe she found another guy, Russian if so, and he impressed her more than the other guy.

Happens everyday in every country and culture of the world.
The final step to happiness or the disaster of your life, marriage can be great thing or ruin you.
Take the risk or stay lonely?

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #61 on: January 09, 2018, 10:12:39 PM »
Trench,  FSU families /  friends are generally very close.They watch out for each other, in all aspects. it's not completely an *It's all me * centered society.
Soviet likely molded it more into a * closer ,tighter, circle of trust* and a general  distrust  of anyone outside of that small circle.

I think in some cases it carries past into  to things like life experiences or items.
If it's outside their experience, it's initially distrusted, or bad, until proven otherwise.

As far as building relationships, if you arnt in that circle, you are evaluated carefully until you are in it.
If you show any signs of not being trustworthy ,or someone to have a future with, you're out.Normally quite swiftly and cleanly , no fuss, no muss,and there is no reason to explain anything.

Regardless they are generally very hospitable and polite to any guest.

Also, a Russian man would have not had a second thought regarding this girl or her actions.


Granted thats all a bunch of generalities, that mean nothing when dealing with any given  individual.

nailed it here jumper imo !!! 
if you are close family you are loved unconditionally , but you must earn that right , everyone one else is treated as an outsider who you dont share or talk with about personal issues etc

even the checkout ladies wont say hi and how is your day !!  they only ask if you want a bag etc etc ..its  all business  and factual directness relating to the need only to speak when you must ime

SX
« Last Edit: January 09, 2018, 11:57:36 PM by southernX »
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Online Trenchcoat

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #62 on: January 09, 2018, 11:06:42 PM »
Trench,  FSU families /  friends are generally very close.They watch out for each other, in all aspects. it's not completely an *It's all me * centered society.
Soviet likely molded it more into a * closer ,tighter, circle of trust* and a general  distrust  of anyone outside of that small circle.

I think in some cases it carries past into  to things like life experiences or items.
If it's outside their experience, it's initially distrusted, or bad, until proven otherwise.

As far as building relationships, if you arnt in that circle, you are evaluated carefully until you are in it.
If you show any signs of not being trustworthy ,or someone to have a future with, you're out.Normally quite swiftly and cleanly , no fuss, no muss,and there is no reason to explain anything.

Regardless they are generally very hospitable and polite to any guest.

Also, a Russian man would have not had a second thought regarding this girl or her actions.


Granted thats all a bunch of generalities, that mean nothing when dealing with any given  individual.

Admittedly I think you may be right on this. I think there is also an aspect of FSU society that once a man or woman know what they want it's decided and then that is the time for action. Perhaps she decided to move in another direction away from a relationship.

Certainly, I think it is true that it's imperative to get access to her inner personal life. I think that may have been the guy's problem here. It's something I failed to do with the last girl I met and like you say until you don't hold any special place with her and are on the outside. Being on the outside is not a good place to be for long as I think it tends to be bad for the relationship. I think no matter what you do if she does not give you access to her inner personal life you're screwed and it will not end well.

I think opening up about your personal life is probably the best thing to do as it works both ways. I think if your secretive then she is likely to be likewise. Again it's something I should have focused on more with the last girl and will do in future I think. As I found last time being on the outside is not a good place to be.

Offline Brasscasing

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #63 on: January 09, 2018, 11:47:10 PM »
Admittedly I think you may be right on this. I think there is also an aspect of FSU society that once a man or woman know what they want it's decided and then that is the time for action. Perhaps she decided to move in another direction away from a relationship.

Certainly, I think it is true that it's imperative to get access to her inner personal life. I think that may have been the guy's problem here. It's something I failed to do with the last girl I met and like you say until you don't hold any special place with her and are on the outside. Being on the outside is not a good place to be for long as I think it tends to be bad for the relationship. I think no matter what you do if she does not give you access to her inner personal life you're screwed and it will not end well.

I think opening up about your personal life is probably the best thing to do as it works both ways. I think if your secretive then she is likely to be likewise. Again it's something I should have focused on more with the last girl and will do in future I think. As I found last time being on the outside is not a good place to be.



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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #64 on: January 10, 2018, 12:32:16 AM »

Offline ML

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #65 on: January 10, 2018, 09:12:58 AM »
she took a trait of a RW and took the high road out of the relationship and ended it with no explanation as to why.


That was not the high road; it was the low road.
Seems you are starting to think like a Russian.

Further, there is no need to explain why.
There is no need to get into back and forth arguments about  the  ending.

The only thing required for decency is to reply to correspondence from another person (once only) and tell that you do not intend to continue the correspondence/relationship.

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Offline GQBlues

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #66 on: January 10, 2018, 10:05:39 AM »
All I can go by is his story and what he told me.  If she has feelings for him why would she dump him.  I know him in a business setting, he's a pretty straight forward, honest guy.  No character issues but then I don't know how he is in his relationship.

She could be a cold, calculating woman with no regard for him or just a naive youth.  I was trying to figure out if it's more a cultural or age thing or just an anomaly.


Staying within your context, bottom line is I hope your buddy finds the fortitude to wash all these off and get on with life. The sooner the better. Put away the Air Supply Greatest Hits CD as Smooth Operator will always say. At his age, there'll be plenty more social excursions of the type so best he start honing his skills now to better prepare for his future.


As for projecting a person's character unto everything in his life, one of my buddy is actively in contention in UFC. The dude is one bad-arse m'fcker. But you wouldn't find a sappier pussy whip when it comes to women. There's plenty of the type out there in our midst. Strange beasts we men are, just as our female counterparts are, except they're more sinister than we can ever hope to be.


As for the inquiry in your last statement, I belong in the camp of *women are women the world over* when all is said and done, and I'm talking straight from direct experience. I would be more inclined to attribute this scenario to 'age'. However, the poignant fact all must remember, sadly, and let me stress this once more, any girl is not worth the sneeze if she dispensed with the type of character display you shared with us. If this gal cannot respect the man enough, much less the sappy emotional garbage, to spend a minute to tell him 'why' considering the time they spent together, then your buddy will experience better life progression watching grass grow. With the apparent exception of one poster in this thread, who'd want a woman like that in their life to begin with?
« Last Edit: January 10, 2018, 10:09:52 AM by GQBlues »
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Offline Brasscasing

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #67 on: January 10, 2018, 10:51:57 AM »
That was not the high road; it was the low road.
Seems you are starting to think like a Russian.

Further, there is no need to explain why.
There is no need to get into back and forth arguments about  the  ending.

The only thing required for decency is to reply to correspondence from another person (once only) and tell that you do not intend to continue the correspondence/relationship.


Staying within your context, bottom line is I hope your buddy finds the fortitude to wash all these off and get on with life. The sooner the better. Put away the Air Supply Greatest Hits CD as Smooth Operator will always say. At his age, there'll be plenty more social excursions of the type so best he start honing his skills now to better prepare for his future.


As for projecting a person's character unto everything in his life, one of my buddy is actively in contention in UFC. The dude is one bad-arse m'fcker. But you wouldn't find a sappier pussy whip when it comes to women. There's plenty of the type out there in our midst. Strange beasts we men are, just as our female counterparts are, except they're more sinister than we can ever hope to be.


As for the inquiry in your last statement, I belong in the camp of *women are women the world over* when all is said and done, and I'm talking straight from direct experience. I would be more inclined to attribute this scenario to 'age'. However, the poignant fact all must remember, sadly, and let me stress this once more, any girl is not worth the sneeze if she dispensed with the type of character display you shared with us. If this gal cannot respect the man enough, much less the sappy emotional garbage, to spend a minute to tell him 'why' considering the time they spent together, then your buddy will experience better life progression watching grass grow. With the apparent exception of one poster in this thread, who'd want a woman like that in their life to begin with?

According to Sting she did tell him.

Granted not the most detailed explanation of a reason to break up I've read but she did tell him it was over.

I don't want to turn this into an old guy complaint thread but (as GQ touched on) I attribute the circumstances of this related story as much on 'the times we live in' as anything else.

In an age where for most young folk 'Notice Of Termination Of Relationship' is being unfriended on Facebook, I think we may be placing too much emphasis on the responsibility of the young woman to "explain herself".

 IMO Chooter's post up thread is as good an explanation as any as to what happened here.

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« Last Edit: January 10, 2018, 11:15:36 AM by Brasscasing »
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Offline GQBlues

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #68 on: January 10, 2018, 11:46:17 AM »
According to Sting she did tell him...


Brass, I missed that (Reply 30)! Good calling that out. That's plenty enough for me, as I'm sure (speculative) some dialogue continued precisely after that for a bit. The title is also misleading. it isn't exactly a 'sudden silent treatment'>:(

The gal broke-up, go home. Elvis already left the building.
« Last Edit: January 10, 2018, 11:49:37 AM by GQBlues »
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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #69 on: January 10, 2018, 10:07:47 PM »


Brass, I missed that (Reply 30)! Good calling that out. That's plenty enough for me, as I'm sure (speculative) some dialogue continued precisely after that for a bit. The title is also misleading. it isn't exactly a 'sudden silent treatment'>:(

The gal broke-up, go home. Elvis already left the building.

Yeah I probably shouldn't have titled it "Sudden silent treatment" as she did give him a reason no matter how far-fetched. but then she cut him out of her life with no regard.  Cold hearted. My impression from him was that it was very sudden and he was left pondering what happened.

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #70 on: January 11, 2018, 02:37:01 AM »
Western society is much more open and outward than the FSU society, which tends to be much more closed and inward. And even though one can notice it right off the bat, its subtleties are harder to spot.

To a Westerner, this inwardness/distancing will come off as rude. I know many Americans who thought me rude at first because I don't tend to smile openly and keep to myself, only to say how surprised by what a great guy I was :P after they met and got to know me better (might be why I fit in well here). And even though I find the overall society to be generally ruder than in the West, her reaction to him is normal from what I've seen here, not only in personal situations but business situations as well.

I'm sure 70+ years of communism attributed much to this "phenomenon" as anything. While some here will contend that it is very rude, it's the norm from their perspective and one should accept it as part of that difference in mentality. This isn't a "ghosting' thing, it's cultural, and has been going on long before ghosting became a catch-phrase due to the advent of dating sites like Tinder and the millennial mindset.

I have found it somewhat strange (still do BTW) that people whom you have done business with before would walk right by you outside the office as if you're the invisible man without a hint of eye contact or greeting even though you know they've seen you from a short distance only to look away. Small talk is virtually non-existent here. I've spent more than my share of time trying to explain to business people here the importance of acknowledging people from the West in this manner (even just making eye contact and saying hi) if they wanted to keep their business in the future.

What many Westerners fail to take into consideration is that we are only 1 generation removed from the end of communism and I suspect it will take a couple more for things to change regarding this. It's slowly changing as more FSU people travel abroad and see and appreciate how other cultures communicate more openly. Nevertheless, old habits die hard, I digress...

The girl in question more than likely didn't see a future with this guy and didn't want all the drama associated with a breakup. He simply got cut from the "team". Of course, she lied about her reasons but, if you're out, you're out. No need to hash it out; it's over, that's it*. Girls here also take rejection much harder than WW IMO, understand its implications quite well, and would rather not deal with it even from the other side of the fence, so to speak.

Hopefully, he moves on. I mean, a normal guy in his 20's shouldn't have any problem finding another girl (yes, just as nice, pretty, etc. blah blah blah) like her. They're just around every corner here. I get that he's heartbroken, but finding another just like the other in the FSU is much, much easier than in the West, hands down. Stop wondering why, stop looking for an explanation, and just mark it down as experience.

I will also say that the difference in mentality between both cultures can be a problem if a guy/girl doesn't adjust. Sorry, but there is a definite difference in thinking that can affect a relationship in how FSU people see things as opposed to a Westerner. I've heard it from many RW when I have spoken to them about dating foreign men that this difference was just too much for them to deal with; subtle as it may seem.

These are but a few of my observations from living in Russia for almost 15 years.

*that's it is a very common phrase you hear in these parts when you ask for a reason why to something, e.g. I don't like football. really, why? I don't like it, and that's it. No other explanation is necessary, nor will you get one ;D).

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #71 on: January 11, 2018, 07:24:01 AM »
look guys maybe her English is just not very good. Have you ever tried to explain something as nuanced as feelings in Russian? you think it's going to sound very courteous and classy? Give it a whirl see how far you get. Perhaps she thought she made an honest effort to deliver all the info that needed to be delivered but the guy just didn't get it or ignored it, so there was only one recourse left. No big these-Russians-are-so-cold-and-mysterious.

Or could it be that he's just playing the victim card? Maybe his jokes were too crude, who knows? Not everything people say freely to friends and family in the West is anywhere near acceptable in Russia. Just something for you to think about.
Find your inner Bart!

Offline Boethius

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #72 on: January 11, 2018, 09:43:07 AM »

look guys maybe her English is just not very good. Have you ever tried to explain something as nuanced as feelings in Russian? you think it's going to sound very courteous and classy? Give it a whirl see how far you get. Perhaps she thought she made an honest effort to deliver all the info that needed to be delivered but the guy just didn't get it or ignored it, so there was only one recourse left. No big these-Russians-are-so-cold-and-mysterious.

Or could it be that he's just playing the victim card? Maybe his jokes were too crude, who knows? Not everything people say freely to friends and family in the West is anywhere near acceptable in Russia. Just something for you to think about.
I suspect you are correct.

I asked the better half's nephew about this.  He is recently married, but was single for 20 years, and changed girlfriends every 10 months or so, most of whom he lived with.  He usually broke it off when they wanted marriage (my observation from afar and total speculation on my part, I could be wrong on the reason).  His response was "I only wish I'd been given the silent treatment."
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 10:02:39 AM by Boethius »
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Offline GQBlues

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #73 on: January 11, 2018, 10:13:34 AM »
look guys maybe her English is just not very good. Have you ever tried to explain something as nuanced as feelings in Russian? you think it's going to sound very courteous and classy? Give it a whirl see how far you get. Perhaps she thought she made an honest effort to deliver all the info that needed to be delivered but the guy just didn't get it or ignored it, so there was only one recourse left. No big these-Russians-are-so-cold-and-mysterious...

Insightful. I can agree to a point.

Bottom line is, the gal broke up. Not much really need to be dissected any deeper than that really. One is just asking for trouble when they try to. Which most of the (sane) men here had been trying to say - *let it go, It's over, move on, get over it, find another gal asap*.

Men who have a need to be 'nursed are always going to be demanding annoying over-analysis which usually evolve into hard exchanges, then argument, then hate...then next thing you know, he'll pop in Air Supply's *Here I am*,


...then he will never find closure, curses all women around his world, calls them obese, blames feminism, become socially dysfunctional and a misfit, etc...then, bwalla, welcomes himself to the world of the MOB, marries, then screws that up, too. Then he'll repeat the process, and likely will until Alzheimer finally does him in.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 10:19:43 AM by GQBlues »
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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #74 on: January 11, 2018, 10:29:08 AM »
...Men who have a need to be 'nursed are always going to be demanding annoying over-analysis which usually evolve into hard exchanges, then argument, then hate...then next thing you know, he'll pop in Air Supply's *Here I am*,

...then he will never find closure, curses all women around his world, calls them obese, blames feminism, become socially dysfunctional and a misfit, etc...then, bwalla, welcomes himself to the world of the MOB, marries, then screws that up, too. Then he'll repeat the process, and likely will until Alzheimer finally does him in.

 :ROFL:

...Quote of the week, GQ. :D

Brass
...Build the wall. Even Heaven has a gate...

"Because without America there is no free world" ~ Canada Free Press

 

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