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Author Topic: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?  (Read 14003 times)

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Offline Nikolos

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How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« on: September 09, 2018, 07:05:38 AM »
I'll try to keep it brief..

Corresponded with a Woman from Moscow for 20 months now, I visited her in June of 2017, she spoke no English, but we managed communicating despite the language barrier, 2 weeks into the trip, I asked her to Marry me, she accepted...

Shortly after, she lost her job and asked if I would support her until the visa was approved, I was very reluctant to do it, but I wanted the relationship to work and viewed it as an investment toward the future.. I also paid for her to take a English course, I expressed how important this was in order for our relationship to work, she agreed, after 2 months she quit, said it was a waste of money, we argued and she wouldn't change her mind, said she would learn when she came to America, I let it go, During November of 2017 I submitted the Fiancée visa application, it was approved by USCIS, approved at the Visa center and is now sitting at the US Embassy in Moscow awaiting the interview...

I just returned from Moscow yesterday, after spending 10 days with her, With all the effort of learning English, I think she spoke less than 10 words the entire time I was there, it was all mobile translator, after 20 months of using the translator and having it mis-translate what I write, my patience was at its end, it was impossible to have any meaningful dialogue and I became less talkative, never rude, just not a sociable because I couldn't express my true self.. I was staying at her apartment and did everything to keep the peace until my trip was over, we visited several places in Moscow, I was even introduced to her Mother and I've always had a good relationship with her daughter, who is the same age as my daughter, she's a sweetheart and half of the money I send ia going to support her and her education, and I'm OK with it.

My problem is that I came to the realization that were NOT compatible, we have a lot in common with regard to family and have mutual goals in life, but when it comes to common interests and communication, were miles apart.. She's not afraid to say what she does NOT like; Sports, News, the Metro, hates Moscow, Sex must be planned, both must bathe before and after sex.. I went to the store and bought Spaghetti and sauce and made it for dinner, she refused to eat it, she said that spaghetti is for children, uh, OK..  She did however take me to several places in Moscow, but I know she didn't want to be there, always rushing to go back home.. Needless to say it was a disaster and I couldn't wait to get back on the plane.

I always felt love for her, but that feeling changed on this trip, She's a great person, but she's also a selfish person, and that's not something I can live with, I'm a giver and she's a taker, I didn't see it before but now I do..  I send her 1K a month in support, and while I was there I took her and her daughter shopping for things they needed, I truly enjoyed doing it and I expected nothing in return, only acts of appreciation, which I didn't get.

She has such high hopes of coming to the US, she loves the beach and I live only 20 minutes away.. Nearly a 2 year investment and were on the last leg of the visa process :( .. If the last 10 days are an indication of what my future will be with her, I know I wont be happy, I'll be in a miserable relationship... I just don't have the heart and courage to break it off. :(  Maybe in part because of her daughter, she's been through so much heartache with 2 fathers, one who abandoned her after birth and a step dad who rejected her.  My heart tells me stick it out, but my brain tells me to cut and run. Don't know what to do :(

Offline BdHvA

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2018, 08:00:41 AM »
As I see it you have two options (well three)

1.)  Commit suicide.

2.)  Man up and say sorry dearie this ain't going to happen. Have a nice day.

3.)  Will let you guess.
Experierence is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. A. Huxley

Offline MarinaSirena

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2018, 08:17:19 AM »
Not easy situation...But you should be honest with yourself first of all.... I know that many men here have an weird  approach..(as for me) They  searching for a gf/wife in Russia or Ucraine like a... goods in supermarket..(she should be tall, nice, young...and so on) Its not bad! In some meaning sucsessful relashionship is the contract. And a huge work beetwem people. But not only this. And love is not only about sucsessful choice and passion... I hope that most of us percieve marrige as long-term and very closed, heart-to-heart comminication. Where you and your partner feel comfort and harmony! Everyone want to feel @home@ near the spouse. And its very important! to understand that  there is no huge distance between you and her in lifevision, sense of humor, characters, interests...
I am a woman too..So i can assure you that it will be painful for her and you anyway! It makes everyone a  hard-broken...When you have plans, dreams about future, talk about it with your friends and family and...Just get unrealised predictions! Anyway it will be stressful and you should think about @what you really want@ many times before you aloud your decision.

But i want to support you. Sometime @to say stop@ is better than to have lot of regrets in future.
And its very important to be honest with yourself. You can be flexible, you can try to fool yourself, assure yourself that @everything will be fixed@ But you cant immitate happiness for a while.

So be strong. And try to explane it to your woman.
Its really better to do it now. Not when she came to your country and lost your life here and started to plan a child with you....
Its very difficult to finish something you gifted so much of your emocions, powers, money, hopes,energy ...
But I strongly convinsed that there are moments when we have to make step back, to be honest to yourself. Its only your life. And you deserve to be totaly happy!

Sure its better to make this dialog face-to-face. If you can! and if you have opportunities .Its not fair to end it by email or phone call

Online BillyB

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2018, 08:49:16 AM »
She has such high hopes of coming to the US, she loves the beach and I live only 20 minutes away.. Nearly a 2 year investment and were on the last leg of the visa process :( .. If the last 10 days are an indication of what my future will be with her, I know I wont be happy, I'll be in a miserable relationship... I just don't have the heart and courage to break it off. :(  Maybe in part because of her daughter, she's been through so much heartache with 2 fathers, one who abandoned her after birth and a step dad who rejected her.  My heart tells me stick it out, but my brain tells me to cut and run. Don't know what to do :(


It would've been nice if you could've identified the issues earlier and break off the relationship. Giving up 2 years of investment is hard to do  but it sounds like you have to do it. Getting into a marriage with somebody you're not happy with is a very bad decision.

Although your fiancée doesn't speak English, she can read your body language and should've been able to tell you were unhappy at times with her. If she cared about you, she would think what could she do to make you happy. She didn't eat the spaghetti after you cooked it. She should know that you'd be unhappy. Then on top of it she insulted you by saying you just cooked a meal for kids without considering it may be acceptable for adults to eat spaghetti in your culture. FSU women are known to speak what's on their mind but there's a point where it's over the top.

Call or email the consulate in Russia and tell them you like to cancel the interview and K-1 visa. Give them your name and details. You do not need to get into a big story why you are doing it. Get to the point and ask them if there's anything more you need to do such as notifying USCIS.

Since you can't talk to your fiancée, I guess you're going to have to write her to tell her the wedding is off. If you're a gentleman, offer her financial help for 3 more months so she has time to look for a job. She's going to plead with you to reconsider but you've given her 2 years to show her best and it doesn't make you happy. There is happiness out there and when you find her, you will easily forget about this one.
There are people that will pass info about you and your family. Do not share info about yourself or share photos as they can search for you on the internet and distribute what they found since they are allowed to participate here.

Offline MarinaSirena

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2018, 09:04:36 AM »
absolutly agree with  BillyB!!!
especially:
*Getting into a marriage with somebody you're not happy with is a very bad decision. *
and
*FSU women are known to speak what's on their mind but there's a point where it's over the top*

But about financial support. Its behavour of real gentleman!
But.... i dont know this woman.All women are different!  but i know some women which could think in such situation *He is still investing to me...So i have some power. He doesnt want *to burn briges* . So we have a one more chance*

Offline BdHvA

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2018, 09:07:34 AM »
Call or email the consulate in Russia and tell them you like to cancel the interview and K-1 visa. Give them your name and details. You do not need to get into a big story why you are doing it. Get to the point and ask them if there's anything more you need to do such as notifying USCIS.

Since you can't talk to your fiancée, I guess you're going to have to write her to tell her the wedding is off. If you're a gentleman, offer her financial help for 3 more months so she has time to look for a job. She's going to plead with you to reconsider but you've given her 2 years to show her best and it doesn't make you happy. There is happiness out there and when you find her, you will easily forget about this one.

Bill is giving good advice. It is time to move on. You are trying to save the Titanic with a bucket.

Perhaps you can locate a translator who can explain in Russian you decision to your fiancé. Equally important is the K1 visa is cancelled.
Experierence is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. A. Huxley

Online BillyB

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2018, 09:23:14 AM »
But about financial support. Its behavour of real gentleman!
But.... i dont know this woman.All women are different!  but i know some women which could think in such situation *He is still investing to me...So i have some power. He doesnt want *to burn briges* . So we have a one more chance*


You are correct that a woman could think a man is not letting go if he is still investing in her by offering support financial support after breaking the relationship.

In this case I think it's the right thing for Nikolos to give temporary financial support. When his fiancee learns the K-1 visa and interview is canceled, it's her responsibility to correctly analyze what just happened and prepare for life without Nikolos. If she chooses not to find a job while getting financial support, it's not Nikolos's fault if she is jobless at the end of support.

Single FSU women have lived all their lives without us men. They have a way of surviving when we're not around. Nikolos should not worry about her survival when he's officially out of her life.
There are people that will pass info about you and your family. Do not share info about yourself or share photos as they can search for you on the internet and distribute what they found since they are allowed to participate here.

Offline fathertime

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2018, 09:51:46 AM »
I agree with what Billyb had to say.   A little further financial assistance is very nice considering the amount of time, but yeah you probably should break it off ASAP.  If you know you are going to be miserable there is no doubt you should move on.

Her lack of flexibility on language isn't a good sign. 

You are doing her a favor in a way, unless she really didn't care and just wanted to come here regardless of whether the relationship would work or not, which probably wasn't the case. 

You sound level headed.

Fathertime! 
I just happened to be browsing about the internet....

Online Maxx2

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2018, 11:21:06 AM »

Call or email the consulate in Russia and tell them you like to cancel the interview and K-1 visa. Give them your name and details. You do not need to get into a big story why you are doing it. Get to the point and ask them if there's anything more you need to do such as notifying USCIS.



Sound, sound advice. I hope you listen to it. I was exactly where you were at 15 years 8 months ago. Only thing different was I had married her in Russia. Knowing what I know now I would have offered her $10,000 to annul the marriage. She would never gotten on the plane for the US no matter what. My mistake was listening to my heart and not my head. Thinking I could make everything all right once she got here. I am telling you, LISTEN, once they get here, they hold all the cards. The laws are on her side and so is the system.


http://www.nbcwashington.com/investigations/White-House-Staffers-Meet-With-Citizens-Who-Say-They-Were-Victims-of-Marriage-Fraud-487699471.html 


You marry her, you'll be added to the list of the 84,030 Americans. And that is only in the last ten years! This has been going on for 22 years!


I know the ICE agent and I've met Elena Lopez 10 years ago. She's been fighting this issue for almost 20 years. Her Dutch husband also falsely accused her of abuse. On the night of their second wedding anniversary, when the two year requirement had past, he told her he only married her for a green card. She gave me these two photos of his love notes to her. He played her like a fiddle.






 
Good luck and please take Billy's advise.

Online msmob

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2018, 04:07:34 PM »
"Don't know what to do"...

Well now, the first thing is NOT to listen to ANY of us giving you relationship advice.. It's YOUR relationship  - only you can decide and we SHOULDN'T try to influence you ......You are getting opinions - we cannot really advise you.

You SHOULD have ended it while you were there and *I* also do not think you should do it via a letter -  you asked her to marry you.

I'm not American so won't comment on immigration matters

Sorry, you don't know what to do and that is only my 'opinion' ... 

Good luck






No to Brexit, Yes to a People's Vote on Brexit, THEN a General Election

Online 2tallbill

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How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2018, 04:58:05 PM »
I'll try to keep it brief..

Corresponded with a Woman from Moscow for 20 months now, I visited her in June of 2017,
she spoke no English, but we managed communicating despite the language barrier,
2 weeks into the trip, I asked her to Marry me, she accepted...

Shortly after, she lost her job and asked if I would support her until the visa was approved,
I was very reluctant to do it, but I wanted the relationship to work and viewed it as an
investment toward the future.. I also paid for her to take a English course,

Niko,

You just tell her it's over and that's that. You don't need a strategy how, just do it.

WARNING TOUGH LOVE BELOW, SKIP OVER THIS IF YOU WANT TO READ ONLY HAPPY STUFF

Lastly, I hope that you don't ask anymore girls to marry you after spending two weeks
with them.

I really thought that Angel Eyes (my wife) was the girl for me when I first met her.
I visited her 4 times and she visited me twice for a total of over 180 days face to
face before we set a date.

We both knew far before that and we were engaged far before that, but that is what's
called getting to know each other and due diligence. Two weeks is insufficient time to
make such a commitment.

Udachi!

Bill
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #11 on: September 09, 2018, 05:57:21 PM »
As I see it you have two options (well three)

1.)  Commit suicide.

2.)  Man up and say sorry dearie this ain't going to happen. Have a nice day.

3.)  Will let you guess.

4.) Join the gay pride parade

5.) Get off the internet, delete all your profiles, live in a hut in the woods like the unibomber

6.) Dump her and move on (same as number 3)

« Last Edit: September 09, 2018, 06:05:20 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2018, 06:13:17 PM »

*Getting into a marriage with somebody you're not happy with is a very bad decision. *
and
*FSU women are known to speak what's on their mind but there's a point where it's over the top*

But about financial support. Its behavour of real gentleman!
But.... i dont know this woman.All women are different!  but i know some women which could think in such situation *He is still investing to me...So i have some power. He doesnt want *to burn briges* . So we have a one more chance*

I agree.

The quicker he dumps her and moves on the sooner he can find his
other half and the sooner that this girl can find her future mate.
What he is doing is delaying both of their dreams.

Some people put a lot of time, effort and resources into a girl so they
find it difficult to admit that things aren't ever going to work out, because
that means they have to start all over again. I started over again so many
times that I lost count but I still understand how difficult it can be.

Anybody who wants to read and find out how many times I started over can
read my story here and then report back.
http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=3432.0

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online GQBlues

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #13 on: September 09, 2018, 06:46:14 PM »
 :-X

I suppose these things happen. It’s the MOB. The OP is not looking for either an advice or an opinion. He’s looking for validation so he won’t feel half as bad for doing what he’s about to do. The peanut gallery had seen this play dozens of times just different actors, is all.
~1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming
~

msmob  (Yes, he really said these)

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #14 on: September 09, 2018, 07:53:09 PM »
:-X

The OP is not looking for either an advice or an opinion. He’s looking for validation so he won’t feel half as bad for doing what he’s about to do.


That was my intent for him. It hurts to call it quits.

Offline JohnDearGreen

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #15 on: September 09, 2018, 08:51:11 PM »
Just curious, what became of your previous 2016 relationship? (with:
>>39, pretty, blonde, blue eyes, and a real talker..)

In 2.5 years it appears you have communicated at length with 3 ladies, 
and possibly none of the 3 a good match.   From what little you have
posted here, it seems in each trip you become quickly attached to a
lady that showed interest in you, possibly without taking adequate time
to get to know her well.  What would you say is reason for this?   

So you spent 10 days with last lady.  And only communication was with
a "mobile translator"?  That doesn't sound like much fun for either of you.
What not hire an interpreter for a couple hours a day?   

« Last Edit: September 09, 2018, 08:55:12 PM by JohnDearGreen »
...

Online GQBlues

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #16 on: September 09, 2018, 11:09:40 PM »

That was my intent for him. It hurts to call it quits.

Not quite Maxx. We aren’t in the same page. There’s no ‘hurting’ on this one.
~1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming
~

msmob  (Yes, he really said these)

Online Trenchcoat

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #17 on: September 10, 2018, 12:20:45 AM »
Just curious, what became of your previous 2016 relationship? (with:
>>39, pretty, blonde, blue eyes, and a real talker..)

In 2.5 years it appears you have communicated at length with 3 ladies, 
and possibly none of the 3 a good match.   From what little you have
posted here, it seems in each trip you become quickly attached to a
lady that showed interest in you, possibly without taking adequate time
to get to know her well.  What would you say is reason for this?   

So you spent 10 days with last lady.  And only communication was with
a "mobile translator"?  That doesn't sound like much fun for either of you.
What not hire an interpreter for a couple hours a day?   


Because he would rather give her 1k a month and do the hard work himself ;D

I think he gave her too much money from the outset. Now I know forum members won't be surprised to hear me say he should have given the minimum sum possible. I say that not because of being a tight wad as I have a reputation on here for being but because I don't believe it breeds a responsible person. Rarely does a person who receives a lot for nothing turns out well. Even if married in the early years I would avoid being overly generous as if a woman becomes too accustomed to the good life bad attitudes may develop and could make things go bad.

For jumping in quickly I don't blame him, we all want to feel that love. Experience as I have recently learned tells us to wait.
No Deal is Ideal, It's a Free Britain we want :)

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #18 on: September 10, 2018, 12:27:19 AM »
I missed when Trench was engaged and had started the steps to arrange for his fiancee to come to the UK .
No to Brexit, Yes to a People's Vote on Brexit, THEN a General Election

Offline Nikolos

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #19 on: September 10, 2018, 01:36:05 AM »
It would've been nice if you could've identified the issues earlier and break off the relationship.

Although your fiancée doesn't speak English, she can read your body language and should've been able to tell you were unhappy at times with her.

If you're a gentleman, offer her financial help for 3 more months so she has time to look for a job. She's going to plead with you to reconsider but you've given her 2 years to show her best and it doesn't make you happy. There is happiness out there and when you find her, you will easily forget about this one.


Yes, I regret not investing more time and living with her to see how it would work out prior to asking for her hand in marriage.. I admit that I rushed into it.
She definitely read my body language, she was crying after I took a call from the US and she saw how happy and talkative I became.
As for financial support, I'm with you on that, I was thinking 3 months or until the end of the year, work is good so I can afford it.

I appreciate the advice

Offline Nikolos

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #20 on: September 10, 2018, 01:50:00 AM »
Just curious, what became of your previous 2016 relationship? (with:
>>39, pretty, blonde, blue eyes, and a real talker..)

Great person, she came to the US with her daughter on a tourist visa, stayed with me for 30 days, Her daughter was 6 years old at the time, I didn't think it would be problem but it was, her daughter required a lot of attention, and we very little time alone, I don't blame the daughter or her, I just came to the realization that I want the attention to be on me, and that my days of raising another child are long over.. I'm 58.
 

Offline MarinaSirena

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #21 on: September 10, 2018, 01:51:34 AM »
If she cared about you, she would think what could she do to make you happy. She didn't eat the spaghetti after you cooked it. She should know that you'd be unhappy.

Probably its off topic a little bit. But i just remembered one article i read not long time ago and  wanted to add it.
Every expiriance is great. Even if its painful and not sucsessful. This story can show us^
1)Love is not enough from time to time
2)We need the time to know each other. If you have only chatting+a few days together, dont invest much of your hopes, money and so on. Unfortantly sometimes we love our own illision that we made up, not exact person.
IMHO

http://markmanson.net/love

Offline Nikolos

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #22 on: September 10, 2018, 01:55:55 AM »
He doesnt want *to burn briges* . So we have a one more chance*

I plan to make it very clear that its over, and inform her that I canceled the Visa petition, I think that would seal it..

As a Russian Woman, maybe you can advise me on this, She has a very close friend, her best friend, we have written many times on Viber in the past, I was thinking of explaining the situation to her so she can be there for emotional support, What do you think about that?


Offline Nikolos

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #23 on: September 10, 2018, 01:59:16 AM »

For jumping in quickly I don't blame him, we all want to feel that love. Experience as I have recently learned tells us to wait.

You hit the nail on the head :)
 

Online msmob

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Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
« Reply #24 on: September 10, 2018, 02:03:42 AM »
IF you had style - you'd get on a plane and tell her face to face - with a letter in Russian - that would 'seal it' ..

You need to deal with your previous actions - asking to marry you - ( and now changing your mind )  in a gentlemanly way ... 

You KNOW what you SHOULD do ..don't make excuses





No to Brexit, Yes to a People's Vote on Brexit, THEN a General Election

 

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