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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 279196 times)

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Offline Rvrwind

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Time for some Humor!!
« on: May 01, 2007, 02:37:09 AM »
Just a little humor to lighen things up around here!!! ;D ;D

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9.As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......>
 Pass this onTo Someone To
 Make Them Smile.
 Its Called ........therapy

HOTEL BILL

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man,and then explainsthat the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well,we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,

"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man."I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims theManager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies."She was here and you could have." :)

Hope that puts a smile on yer face today!!! ;D ;D ;D
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Offline I/O

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2007, 02:51:05 AM »
Generous fellow the hotel patron. ;D

I/O

Offline Daveman

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« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2007, 07:35:46 AM »
Rvrwind - Excellent thread... and completely In Accordance With The Prophecy.. (man I love that one)

Got the mosquito net up and the hair dryer ready for lunch..  Already changed coffee to espresso - gotta kill my own addiction there (but afraid I'd sleep for a week, or be in jail in short order).

Anybody got this guy's number in Boston?  :P

Dave



The duty of a true patriot is to protect his country from its government. -- Thomas Paine

Offline Rvrwind

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2007, 11:07:50 PM »
I felt compelled to share with you the meaning of love & compasion!!! ;D

As I walked down the busy sidewalk,
knowing I was late for an important interview,
my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate,
homeless vagabonds that are found in every
city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags,
carrying every worldly possession in two plastic
bags, my heart was touched by this persons
condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly
looked away as if the sight would somehow
contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School
admonition to "care for the sick, feed the
hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved
by some powerful inner urge to reach out to
this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw
a hidden beauty.

 A small voice inside my head called out,

 "Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........

Scroll to next post!
« Last Edit: May 03, 2007, 11:13:36 PM by Rvrwind »
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Offline Rvrwind

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« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2007, 11:15:58 PM »
I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.

It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.
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Offline El Rock

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« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2007, 11:30:30 PM »
Who is Jack Schitt  ??

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.

Offline steerman

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2007, 09:24:28 AM »
OH so true!
Cowboy Logic: The next best thing to being clever is being able to quote someone who is.

Offline steerman

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« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2007, 09:26:29 AM »
Good Laugh
Cowboy Logic: The next best thing to being clever is being able to quote someone who is.

Offline WmGO

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« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2007, 09:52:25 AM »
Rverwind,

funny! Now I know where Daveman got that "in Accordance with the Prophecy" line  ;D

Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2007, 11:02:58 AM »
Some radio guy was fired from talking about these
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2007, 11:04:24 AM »
a thousand and one uses

Bill
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2007, 11:11:02 AM »
I usually don't make political comments on this board but........
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2007, 11:13:11 AM »
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better." I have a 22-year old Russian bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver
He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang," and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".

« Last Edit: May 04, 2007, 09:08:01 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #13 on: May 04, 2007, 11:16:04 AM »
All humor has an element of truth or its not funny.

Bill
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2007, 11:28:05 AM »
I had a buddy make a bunch of business cards to put on poorly parked cars.

It said

"I hope you don't F*CK like you park because you will never get it in."

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #15 on: May 04, 2007, 11:31:38 AM »
A postal worker came across a letter addressed to God, he opened it and it read;

Dear  God,
 
I am an 83 year old  widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had  $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check.   Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two
of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy
food with. I have no family to turn  to, and you are my only hope.  Can you please
  help  me?
 
Sincerely,
Edna
 
The postal worker was  touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or  her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he  had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the  woman.
 
The rest of the day,  all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be  able to share with her friends.
 
Christmas came and  went.  A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God.  All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened.
 
It  read......
Dear  God,
 
How can I ever thank  you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to  fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my  friends of your
wonderful gift.
 
By the way, there was  $4 missing.  I think it must have been those
bastards at the Post  Office.
Edna
 
« Last Edit: May 04, 2007, 12:56:14 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline Rvrwind

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #16 on: May 04, 2007, 11:52:38 AM »
Subject: HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE FORGIVEN YOUR ENEMIES?

Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About 80% held up their hands.
The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except one small, elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?", the minister asked.
"I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said,
"I outlived the bytches."

A young guy from NY moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in NY."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold Him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he Said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down To the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he Said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him Down to the Automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you Sold him A BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his Wife, And I Said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing." ;D ;D
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Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #17 on: May 04, 2007, 11:55:04 AM »
I WAS IN A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICED A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE  LOOKING AT ME FOR SOME TIME AND THEN SAID HELLO.


I WAS RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE I CAN'T PLACE WHERE I KNOW HER FROM, SO I ASKED "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

NOW I THINK BACK TO THE ONLY TIME I HAVE EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO  MY WIFE AND SAID "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM THE BACHELOR PARTY THAT I F*CKED ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY @$$?"

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #18 on: May 04, 2007, 12:24:58 PM »
One night in Kiev a drunk men is stopped by a cop while walking (obviously drunk) down the street. The cop stops him Where are you going?

In a slightly slurred voice he says "I'm going to listen to a lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism."
"At night? And who will give this lecture?" asks the cop.
 
"My wife and mother-in-law will!" He replied.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2007, 12:27:03 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline Bluebell

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« Reply #19 on: May 04, 2007, 01:42:30 PM »
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree
temperature?"
Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."

Offline Simoni

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« Reply #20 on: May 04, 2007, 02:59:04 PM »
nice jokes, 2tall!  and blue, too :-)

My wife died laughing, and so did I.  But she had to 'splain to me the one about the school teacher :-) LOL
« Last Edit: May 04, 2007, 03:17:53 PM by Simoni »

Offline ScottinCrimea

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« Reply #21 on: May 04, 2007, 04:35:24 PM »
An old couple are sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch, quietly enjoying the warm weather and their own thoughts.  Suddenly the old woman reaches over and gives her husband a smack to the side of his head, sending him and his rocking chair flying to the ground below the porch.  He slowly gets up, shakes his head a few times to clear it and says." Edna, why did you go and do that?"

She reples, "That was for being such a terrible lover all these years."

The old man pulls himself and his chair back up on the porch and resumes his rocking and his thoughts.  Suddenly, he returns the favor, reaching over and smacking his wife on the side of the head.  It was her turn to go sprawling onto the lawn.  She gets up, looks at her husband quizzically and says, "Bert, what was that for?"

He replied, "That's for knowing the difference!"

Offline ScottinCrimea

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« Reply #22 on: May 04, 2007, 04:41:44 PM »
An AM has finally reached his goal and married a wonderful Russian woman.  After the wedding they go their honeymoon hotel room.  The AM goes into the bathroom to change clothes and when he comes out he tosses his pants to his wife and says, "Here, put these on."  She replies, "But Doragaya, I can't wear your pants!"  So he says, "That's right, and as long as you understand that, we'll get along just fine."

Now it's her turn to go shower and change for the night.  When she emerges from the bathroom, she tosses her husband her panties and says, "Here, put these on."  He replies, " But Dear, I can't possibly get into your panties!"

She responds, " That's right, and you won't unless you change your attitude!"


Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #23 on: May 04, 2007, 09:04:54 PM »
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia.
At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.

The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger........

CLICK!..........empty chamber

He hands the revolver to his African guest, and Say's
"your turn comrade".
Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual......

CLICK!...........empty chamber

The next year, the Russian visits the African country.
At the very end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year revising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door only to reapear a few minutes later smiling, says "your turn".

The African escorts the Russian through the door.
In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.

The Russian is absolutely dumbfounded, "what kind of test of courage is this?!"

The African calmly answers ..........

" one of them is a cannibal".
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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« Reply #24 on: May 04, 2007, 09:12:30 PM »
A Russian and an American die and they both go to heck. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?"
"What's the difference?" the Russian asks. "In the American heck, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian heck you will be required to eat two buckets of waste," Satan explains.
The American decides to go to the American heck. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian heck.

One year later the two men run into one another. "How's life?" the Russian asks.
"Can't complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I'm free for the rest of the day. What about you?"
"It couldn't be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They're either late with waste deliveries, or they're having bucket shortages."
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

 

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