Time for some Humor!!

[calmissile]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[ML]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
 
 The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
 
 The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
 It cost half a million dollars! '
 
 'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
 'Why does it cost so much?'
 
 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
 
 The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
 
 'No problem,' replies the doctor.
 
 So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
 Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
 
 Just then the light changes,  so the doctor decides to show  the old man just what his car can do.
 He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
 
 Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
 
 He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
 
 Something whips by him going much faster!
 
 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
 
 He presses harder on the accelerator  and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
 
 Then, up ahead of him,  he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
 
 Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
 and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
 
 Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
 
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
 
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
 
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
 
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor . . . Is there anything I can do for you?'
 
The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

[Gator]

To: the citizens of the United States of America
 
From: Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II
 

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the United States, and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all States, Commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of  '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $11.40/US gallon.  Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[Gator]

ML, I liked that one even though the speeds should be in units of km/hr.   So it must have originated in Europe.

[Ranetka]

To: the citizens of the United States of America
 
From: Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II
 

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the United States, and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all States, Commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of  '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $11.40/US gallon.  Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Not to point a finger (of course not, the sweetest thing like me - NEVER!) but I think this little joke has been posted in this thread already. Twice.


 

[Gator]

Not to point a finger (of course not, the sweetest thing like me - NEVER!) but I think this little joke has been posted in this thread already. Twice.


 

Sorry!   Some of us are behind time.

[Anotherkiwi]

Not to point a finger (of course not, the sweetest thing like me - NEVER!) but I think this little joke has been posted in this thread already. Twice.

I don't care - it's still funny!  The only thing I would change is the reference to "catsup" - nobody in British English uses it.  The correct term is "tomato sauce." 

[Ranetka]

I don't care - it's still funny!  The only thing I would change is the reference to "catsup" - nobody in British English uses it.  The correct term is "tomato sauce." 

The correct term is "red sauce". As opposed to "brown" (plum) sauce. Tomato sauce - in the absence of brown (which is never).


http://www.redorbrown.co.uk/


There.

[Anotherkiwi]

The correct term is "red sauce". As opposed to "brown" (plum) sauce. Tomato sauce - in the absence of brown (which is never).


http://www.redorbrown.co.uk/


There.

Interesting, but I would have thought that "brown" sauce was more likely to refer to Worcester (Lea and Perrins or similar).  When you go to the fish and chippery, do you ask for or get asked if you prefer "red sauce?"  Nope, I ask for tomato sauce (even in Britain).

[Ranetka]

Interesting, but I would have thought that "brown" sauce was more likely to refer to Worcester (Lea and Perrins or similar).  When you go to the fish and chippery, do you ask for or get asked if you prefer "red sauce?"  Nope, I ask for tomato sauce (even in Britain).

Worcester sauce is Worcester sauce.


When I go to fish and chips I ask for ketchup :-) but this is not the point :-)


http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=brown+sauce&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&rlz=1C1AFAB_enGB487GB487&biw=1134&bih=649&tbm=isch&tbnid=J0DMpWq4FYGV3M:&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&docid=W3Hflzg4B0S6mM&imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d4/Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&w=1921&h=2953&ei=J4IpUJOyDIWn4gTCsoHoBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=119&vpy=147&dur=415&hovh=208&hovw=135&tx=95&ty=157&sig=117843841070749508139&page=1&tbnh=126&tbnw=82&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:139

[Anotherkiwi]

Worcester sauce is Worcester sauce.


When I go to fish and chips I ask for ketchup :-) but this is not the point :-)


http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=brown+sauce&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&rlz=1C1AFAB_enGB487GB487&biw=1134&bih=649&tbm=isch&tbnid=J0DMpWq4FYGV3M:&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&docid=W3Hflzg4B0S6mM&imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d4/Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&w=1921&h=2953&ei=J4IpUJOyDIWn4gTCsoHoBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=119&vpy=147&dur=415&hovh=208&hovw=135&tx=95&ty=157&sig=117843841070749508139&page=1&tbnh=126&tbnw=82&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:139

OK, now I see what you mean.  But, to return to my original point, would you agree that "catsup" is definitely NOT British English?

[Ranetka]

OK, now I see what you mean.  But, to return to my original point, would you agree that "catsup" is definitely NOT British English?

absolutely!

[Anotherkiwi]

absolutely!

Thank you! 

[Muzh]

"Catsup" came from China (ke-tsiap) and had no tomatoes. It was a tangy fish sauce. It still didn't have any tomatoes until the late 1800s according to the Farmers Museum in Cooperstown, NY.

[Anotherkiwi]

"Catsup" came from China (ke-tsiap) and had no tomatoes. It was a tangy fish sauce. It still didn't have any tomatoes until the late 1800s according to the Farmers Museum in Cooperstown, NY.

Thanks Muzh.

[Shadow]

"Catsup" came from China (ke-tsiap) and had no tomatoes. It was a tangy fish sauce. It still didn't have any tomatoes until the late 1800s according to the Farmers Museum in Cooperstown, NY.

Or it came from the Indonesian Ketjap, which is used for different variants of sauce that can be fish or soy based.

[Muzh]

Or it came from the Indonesian Ketjap, which is used for different variants of sauce that can be fish or soy based.

I found this. http://homecooking.about.com/od/foodhistory/a/ketchuphistory.htm
 
Apparently it originated in China and made its way to Malaysia (kechap) and Indonesia (ketjap).

[Muzh]

Anyway, what I wanted to do was post this nice video.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=lJP_5bkP_2I

[Jumper]

Seems appropriate for forum humor  and many escapades here ..

(the last line being the best)

[ML]

First Pic

[TheTraveler]

@ml... omg that is funny!!

[ML]

Bad Situations

[tfcrew]

In picture #4 the guy has #2 on his shirt.

Struck me funny in a Beavis and Butthead kind of way.

[OlgaH]

[OlgaH]