Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[ML]

Not humor, but great.

Collection of Budweiser Commercials

Anyone know where I could buy a Clydesdale?

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[ML]

Little Johnny has a vision

- - - - - - - - -

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:    "What do you want to be when you grow up?"       Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch,  give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,       a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe,       and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".               The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this       horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge       what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .               "And how about you, Sarah?"             "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

[ML]

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

 A family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying, "I am not sure that is a duck."
 
A psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it saying, “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

 A surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. 

He then turns to a pathologist and says, "check if that was a duck."

[ML]

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. 

He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married.

And she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

[Lily]

Lovely cake
 

 
'Julia, bite me softly'

[Lily]

[Muzh]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
 
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked...,
 
'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?
 
'She replied...  
 
'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

[mendeleyev]

A young woman received word that her elderly grandfather had passed away due to a heart attack. Both her grandparents had reached 100 years so she flew to be with Grandma.

As the two sat down the granddaugher asked "Grandma, what happened?"

Grandma: "It was Sunday morning and we were having sex..."

Granddaughter: "Sex? At 100 you were still having sex?"

Grandma: "Oh child, it was our Sunday morning tradition and we usually took it slow. In fact, we paced ourselves to the church bells down the street. One toll for 'in' and the next toll for 'out' and that rhythm worked fine as usual, right up until this Sunday when a damn ice cream truck came down the street."

[Lily]

[ML]

Message from NSA

[Muzh]

What deep thinkers men are!!!

I mowed the lawn today and after doing so I sat down and had a beer.

My wife walked by and asked me what was I doing and I said 'nothing.' The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what.' At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would have led to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

[SANDRO43]

But you neglected to consider the duration of the process, which in the case of childbirth may be hours - unlikely in the other case, unless the kicker is VERY insistent and/or the kickee is (not surprisingly) somewhat impeded from fleeing his tormentor .

[ML]

Police chase in Orange County, California

Or . . . the woman is trying out for stunt driving job.

http://offtheedgehumorpics.blogspot.com/2013/04/orange-county-police-car-chase-hilarious.html

[ML]

A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS:

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

[ML]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a regular sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine."

"It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[Gator]

Redneck Abs
 
 
 
 

[ML]

 A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'.
I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that! 

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, 'I'm going to take that.'   

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer.

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[ML]

Hilarious

[Shadow]

On the Dutch radio there is a competition for the 'shame name', which are names that can cause confusion.
It is known that the name of our former prime-minister Kok caused some hilarity but the winner of the competition was a woman who encountered rude behaviour in the USA each time she introduced herself.

Her name: Fokje Modder

[ML]

Her name: Fokje Modder

Shadow, can you use American English letters to spell out how this is pronounced?  e.g. Is the j pronounced as an American y, etc. 

Thanks