Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[ConnerVT]

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while it came to pass that an angel went to the Almighty and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[GoodOlBoy]

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead!

Brother 1: I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me? I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke the news to me easier.

You could of told me today that he got out of the house or
something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found him but he is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting him down.

Then when I called you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared him off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive. I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.


GOB

[Turboguy]

Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.   (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than 'going blind!')

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege ofhaving sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for these tests?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of???) (Did our government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[Vinnvinny]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, 'And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.' 'OH NO!'

Mr. Bush exclaims. 'That's terrible!' His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing. Finally, the president looks up and asks, 'Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?'

[Vinnvinny]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Stuart."None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Stuart says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher blushes a great deal,"Well I suppose the one that gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

Stuart replies, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

[Vinnvinny]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Vinnvinny]

A duck walks into a stockbrokers office and puts 500 bucks onto his desk and says "I want to buy 500 bucks worth of Microsoft shares". The stockbroker looks at him and says "But you're a duck".

Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck, so what?"

Broker: "But you can talk"

Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck and I can talk, what of it?"

Broker: "Where did you get 500 bucks?"

Duck: "See out the window, see that building site over there?

Broker: "Yes"

Duck: "Well I'm a bricklayer, and I get paid good money, so for the next 5 months I'll be coming back here to buy 500 bucks worth of shares weekly"

Broker: "Listen, I've got a friend who owns a circus, and I bet you he would pay a lot more for you than what your getting now"

Duck: "A circus? Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't a circus always traveling to different towns?"

Broker: "Yep"

Duck: "And don't these circus people live in tents and caravans?'

Broker: "Yep"

Duck: "Then why the **** would they need a bricklayer?"

[Vinnvinny]

A Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something .... we have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God, says an elderly nun at the Back, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

[Mamma D]

INTERESTING  HISTORY LESSON

  Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

  Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
    The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

    Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

    Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

    Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they use d for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

    Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

    So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Romebuilt the first long distance roads in Europe (andEngland ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

    And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.. Bureaucracies live forever.

    So the next time you are handed a specification/    procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the r ear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

    When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The eng ineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

    So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
    CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

[2tallbill]

Warning some most all of these jokes could be considered juvenile

[2tallbill]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[Mamma D]

 

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Nancy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Nancy," Said Mr. Goldstein,
 "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a Little crazy, she replied,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein , please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
Private Part Hanging out his pajamas, When he met Nurse Nancy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Nancy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died "
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your  pajamas?" (You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)
"Well, he replied,
"Today's the viewing."

[Simoni]

Can you believe it?

Man wins Georgia lottery on Wednesday, finds love of his life two days later.

Talk about luck!!

[Mamma D]

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” he says excitedly, “as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“Whaaattt?” said his grandpa. 
“Make a noise like a frog; because grandma said as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyworld!”

Bonus.......!   You will LOVE it ....I Promise!


    So there I was . . just relaxing in front of the T.V. when the kids yelled, hey mom come look at all the little kittens


   

[LEGAL]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.  She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her   from.   So he says, 'Do you know me?'  To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'  She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[2tallbill]