The real price of marrying a RW?

[Muzh]

I've asked a friend for permission to reprint the following.  It is not addressed to anyone in specific, however, food for thought.  It IS a response to what it takes to marry a RW.  After reading it, please insert your constructive crtitisisms.

Go through your pockets, jackets in the hall, jeans, old fruit jar etc. to see if you have enough MONNAY.

It's been observed here before. In the marriage ceremony to an R-dub, the words, 'for better or worse' should be replaced with, 'for the better life. Or else.'

Oh, and while counting the small change on the sideboard, take a look in the mirror too and ask yourself, 'Am I old?' If the answer is 'yes', then double the amount of MONNAY you first thought you'd need. R-dubs can be very sweet and forgiving about age, but only if your heart is in the right place, i.e. in the bank.

Many men write in to ask, 'What is the cost of this great quest, this supreme endeavour to find a wife?'

Whatever it is, remember it's only a down-payment. You can treat the whole village of Dumpsk to your wedding feast, you can have a magic honeymoon in Cyprus. Or you might spend fortunes on immigration lawyers and back-handers to immigration officials.

But if, at the end of it, when you finally bring your bride home, you have the shittiest car in the parking, love will walk straight out the cat flap.

Why is MONNAY so important? Well, if you marry an R-dub, you must first remember that it is she who makes all the sacrifices.

A year or so down the road, you will hear a typical complaint. 'I gave up a good job and a career in Dumpsk for you, I may never see my old Russian Granny again. And for what? We have the shittiest car in the parking!'

Make no mistake, you will never be able to conceal lack of MONNAY from an R-dub. Within weeks of arriving, she will have a friend called Larissa whose husband has a car with less primer around the fenders than yours. Larissa will introduce her to Raisa, whose husband's car has no rust spots at all, and soon they will meet Natasha whose foreign husband just bought her a brand new SUV!

It is then that she will realize the full tragedy of her life, the day you turned up in Dumpsk, a man without MONNAY. And she will never wear her thongs again.

If you are in any doubt about this, read the archives(RWL). All the failed marriages are essentially tales of failed expectations. Hers, not his. Ever read about a husband running off, or trading up, or calling 911? No. Because, stupidly, he married for love.

So, forget about love. To an R-dub, only MONNAY says 'I care'. You can take on her puking baby girl from the last Russian drunk she slept with. You can take on her pig Russian son who only speaks to you when he wants something. For her sake, you can put up with all the ridicule and derision and sniggers from all the neighbors, co-workers and shopkeepers who see a silly old man with a young Russian slut. You can give her and her kids opportunities they never had in Dumpsk. But if there's no ready cash value attached, it doesn't count. Sorry. When your marriage inevitably fails through lack of MONNAY, there will be a tendency to utter the words, 'ungrateful bitch . . after all I did for her'. Wrong thinking. An R-dub is simply the unfortunate product of the imploded, immoral, inferiority-complexed, post-Soviet society which has no values whatsoever besides MONNAY. There's something wrong inside their heads, so get over it.

Good luck. And keep checking those bank statements!

[BC]

With all the additional overhead involved with an international marriage, you surely don't want money problems on top of it all.

I think jb said something like: 'if you are asking how much it will cost, it's probably not a quest you can afford'.

I agree.

They may seem poor by western standards but quality of life can be pretty good there. Sounds like the original poster took a dunk in the deep end of the pool and could not maintain quality of life.

[Vaughn]

Ever read about a husband running off, or trading up, or calling 911? No. Because, stupidly, he married for love.

He HAD to marry for love - he was undercapitalized. And stupidly, got involved in a relationship he could not afford from the get-go. Everyone here can philosophize about which male traits enable an East-West marriage to work out - but little of that matters if you're scrounging at mid-month to keeps the lights from being turned off.

[Leslie]

My first comment is that this guy is not speaking of his own personal experience.  This is a typical smart assed comment made on a board.  This is what happens when you try to buy a wife and then cannot afford to pay the price….

 

'I gave up a good job and a career in Dumpsk for you, I may never see my old Russian Granny again."

 

This is the truth.  An educated woman will initially exchange a high status job in FSU for a minimum wage job in the west.  She will also leave all her family and friends behind.  This guy reckons he has rescued her from "Dumpsk"  -  her home. 

 

Hey was any one reading this raised in "Dumpsk"   Maybe that's in Ohio, or the Bronx, or Liverpool England?   Bet you still like the place………   

 

"All the failed marriages are essentially tales of failed expectations. Hers, not his. Ever read about a husband running off, or trading up, or calling 911? No. Because, stupidly, he married for love."

 

No one was in love here.  He was in lust with the hard body of a pretty, probably much younger woman and all she wanted a ticket to a better life….

 

Oh Yeah and there are LOTS of stories about guys abusing, imprisoning and even killing their FSU wife.

 

I reckon around a quarter of the guys involved in this process are f*cked up weirdo's.  That's why the women have so many more problems than the guys. One thing I have never understood though -

 

Why do women agree to marry these freaks??

 

This guy reckons the woman should be grateful.  Hey - he has rescued her from poverty.  Played the knight in shining armour. 

 

Any guy who has this attitude is certain to fail.

 

The style of this article feels familiar, perhaps it is yet another diatribe from Shane Neff?

 

 

 

[ConnerVT]

I reckon around a quarter of the guys involved in this process are f*cked up weirdo's.  That's why the women have so many more problems than the guys.

From an interpreter with several years experience working at one agency, I was told that the number is more like 50%.  From what I've seen and heard, I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of her comment.

[Leslie]

Connor,

 

If we are talking about the "Keyboard Romeo's" who will never make the trip then I think the MAJORITY are f*cked up weirdo's.  I have been shown the filth that guys e-mail to a woman they will never met.  What they are going to do to her.  Drunken masturbatory fantasies.  Most agencies don't pass this filth on to the woman.  Many just get the staff to reply….

 

FSU women have no practical legal recourse against these creeps and they know it  They would not dare to send such  depraved e-mails in their own country.  Do this in UK to British women and the police will knock on the door at 5.00am….. 

 

This is where "Fat Yuri" provides a public service.

 

Lets see -  $10 an e-mail exchange.  5 e-mails a week.  That's  a $200 per month fine.  Not nearly enough in my opinion.  I would be much happier if this money went to good causes and not to petty organized crime but we don't live in a perfect world.

 

The spectacular growth in FSU "dating agencies" has been fuelled by this demand. In reality this is a marketing strategy of the pornography industry. The vast majority of  $ income generated  is from weirdo's writing to fat yuri!

 

 

[tim 360]

Mr. Leslie,  You are right on target.  The ranks of the weirdozzz has grown and found EE fertile ground to plow.  Cheap thrills for them.  And it is relatively cheap.  Tim

[ConnerVT]

Les, the 50% figure was of guys who actually made it "wheels down" in the FSU.

I agree... the percentage is MUCH higher when you factor in the Keyboard Romeos.

Interestingly, the person who quoted this statistic was a very young woman with several years experience.  I would think that she would have accepted more abhorrent behavior as "normal" than most other, older women would have seen it.

[Journeyman]

I have heard the same thing from more than one interpreter.  Even a couple of agency owners have indirectly admitted this to me, though very reluctantly.  My girlfriend also tells me stories about several of the strange men that she met before me.  I am surprised that she was willing to meet any more WM after the first few.   In describing them to me, her adjectives included . . . controlling, unkempt, cheap, and "very strange."  She now has a somewhat negative view of American men, at least compared to what she had before.  

ON THE OTHER HAND, my view of RW certainly changed also during the last 4 years.  In fact, I will be so bold as to say that possibly half of the RW who are involved in meeting Western men are also less than great marriage material.  After having seen so many, I am simply reluctant to see any conversation about the high percentage of unworthy WM go along too far unbalanced by any observations about the range of problematic RW.  I met plenty of them, as have most of the other guys I've met along the way.  Unfortunately, those RW are also the easiest to attract, and the ones who "like" you the most.  Yikes!

There are plenty of dysfunctional types in both genders, making it a "thick" minefield for both.

Journeyman

[andrewfi]

Journeyman ~ I think you are right. Each side has a tendency to toward the dysfunctional. The men have social issues and the women have economic issues. The sad thing is that there is not much wrong with either group except that each has a tendency to be the wrong type for the other...

A shy man unused to the recent company of women is not exactly the best type to form an enduring relationship with a woman who has rejected her peers for economic reasons and is dissembling 'love' toward a guy who would not know the real thing if it slapped him in the face.

[Journeyman]

Andrewfin,

Yes, I think we would concur, generally.  But, if I may be so bold (again), I think you are being a bit too kind regarding the dysfunctions displayed by RW.  So, I'll be the grinch for a turn.  I do agree that the classic RW dysfunction is economic (gold diggers, social climbers, green-card girls, etc.).  But I think that that only accounts for about maybe half of the overall dysfunction among RW who are meeting western men.  

Let me cite a few examples.  Years ago, a RW in St. Pete told me about how she cheated on her husband within weeks of her wedding.  When I asked her why, she just shrugged her shoulders and gave me the "pochyemoo nyet" look. :?  She eventually explained further that she just wasn't inclined toward "tenderness and commitment" (even though she wanted to marry me). :X  Shortly thereafter, another woman I dated in St. Pete declared that she had decided to re-marry her alcoholic ex-husband, in spite of the regular beatings that she knew she would have to endure again.  Why?  Naturally, because she loved him. (an all too common story among women worldwide).  I think Oprah has a regular show on that topic alone.  Later, a woman in Odessa told me how she felt very uncomfortable being treated well and given compliments, and instead desired a little verbal abuse from time to time (just like her father had given to her as a child).  Yup, pretty much the typical story of a dysfunctional family experience playing itself out in a woman's choices of a mate.  More recently, a woman in Kiev explained to me how she had had so much sex during her life, that she now needed an extraordinarily exotic man to get her excited now.  A normal guy just could not do it for her anymore (including me). :cool:  Unfortunately, I could go on about more examples that have nothing to do with money.  We have all seen this kind of unfortunate behavior before among women in our own home towns.  Of course, it exists equally plentifully in the FSU as well, and also among the population of RW who want to meet foreign men.  

Am I saying that RW are unusually dysfunctional?  No! No! No!  Rather, I am saying the population of RW are just like the population of women in any other country.  If a guy joins a dating agency in the US, or goes onto Match.com to find a gal in his own city, or meets local ladies in any other manner, he'll meet a percentage of dysfunctional ladies that way too.  Thing are just the same in the FSU.  The grass is NOT generally greener in the FSU, but, as the initial posts on this thread stated (and with which I will also agree), it is usually a bit more expensive for the WM than the home-grown variety.

Andrewfin, as you have elsewhere pointed out (and correctly, I think), the FSU ladies who are making themselves available to meet foreign men represent only a small fraction of the overall population of millions of RW.  Though that makes them somewhat unique, that does not exempt them from possessing the same normal range of dysfunction that exists in the population generally.  I have cited only a small number of the cases that I have observed personally.

Clearly, what I am saying is obvious to all who have been around the block (in the FSU).  Yet, the less experienced visitors to this board need to have this in mind also.  You can encounter any kind of dysfunction when meeting FSU women, and probably will.  Moreover, if you do not anticipate this possibility, you will likely regret it in one way or another, eventually.

Now, lest anyone think that I am slamming all RW, no, not true.  I have met a number of nice ladies there.  Currently, I am deeply involved with a RW, and am hoping for the best.  There are still plenty of desirable RW available to meet.  But it usually takes a while to seperate the wheat from the chaff.  Sorry about breaking anybody's rose-colored glasses.

Journeyman

[andrewfi]

I di not think I was being too kind, but if taking the stereotypical image of the dysfunctional American suitor, the corresponding Russian one is the enhanced economic aspects of the women seeking thier future life in another land.

It is probably the most serious aspect, the most seriously overlooked, the rest is the kind of stuff that most men will have come across in other women, even if the woman was his mother, sister or colleague.

Anyway, Russian womanhood as a group are nutters . (he writes as a couple of the breed are sitting jabbering about apartments, buying new homes and who will pay a couple of meters away...)

[TigerPaws]

Journeyman,

ÂÂI liked your post and feel that your analysis is right on the mark, I would like to add that in general the FSU is a far richer hunting ground for men looking for ladies than most of America today. This touches on several issues, from the AM's social status, his age, appearnce, financial situation, location in the counry, intelligence and education. Many of which have and are being discussed on other threadsÂÂwithin this forum.

ÂÂThe point is a man must have the ability and be willing to expend the time andÂÂfinancial resources in order to select the lady which best fits his wants and needs. Far too may men rush into this process uninformed without sufficient resources or time to make an informed decision about the ladies they meet. Like you I met a number of ladies whom I decided were unacceptable because of the baggage they would have brought with them to a relationship. Sure several of these ladies I rejected could have made me a good wife and mother to our children with a great deal of extra effort on my part but why should I or any other man take the risk when there are so many other ladies without such issues to chose from.

ÂÂAs always I place the burden on the man to select the lady which best fits his wants, needs and desires then it is up to him to do everything within his power to ensure the relationship has a fighting chance of sucess, Yes a relationship is a two way street but it is the man who selects the lady (yes she can say no), it is the lady who leaves her family, friends, familiar surroundingsÂÂand country for the manÂÂin the hope of a better life with him. SoÂÂin my humble opinion it is the man whoÂÂneeds toÂÂput forth the extra effortÂÂand try harder to make the relationship work as well asÂÂease the transition for the lady from one life to another with him.

[Journeyman]

TigerPaws and Andrewfin,

Agreed.  And I would also note that you are each pointing out the two sides of the same coin.

As Tpaws observes, there is a kind of opportunity to meet women in the FSU that does not exist in America or in some other countries.  This fact is simply due to the economic disparity between the FSU and these other countries.  The dominant motivation among FSU women is to improve their situation in a way that they cannot do where they live.  And why not?!!  If I were them, I might do the same.  Now for the other side of the coin.

As Andrewfin observes, the most dominant single dysfunction among FSU women is economic in nature.  This phenomenon can be due to desperation, avarice, or other orientations toward money (temporary or chronic) that upset an otherwise healthy balance among the range of personal values that one can possess.  When money or lifestyle issues improperly dominate her perspective, a relationship will be imperiled accordingly.  Of course, the same principle applies to any woman anywhere (as well as any man).  But since the economic disparity between these countries is usually the catalyst for WM-RW relationships, economic dysfunction will also be the most prevalent single category of dysfunction.  

In conclusion, putting together the potential for economic dysfunction with the potential for other dysfunctions (like the examples I cited above), means that a western man must force himself to be very discriminating.  As a RW should be also.  Unfortunately, it often takes a while for a WM (or RW) to learn to recognize the signals of such dysfunctions in the other, and to properly calibrate the degree of dysfunction.  Differences in language and culture, unreasonable expectations, as well as a usual lack of adquate face-time or other lack of relationship skills, all increase the risk of inadequate culling.

God help us all.

Journeyman

[andrewfi]

Journeyman, Whilst it is certainly true that a man seeking a foreign wife, from anywhere, needs to be very discerning, the problem is that almost all, including many who post here, simply do not have the requisite tools for the task. If they had, then they would not actually need to look elsewhere, something of a 'catch 22'.

Some make a (semi) conscious decision to 'buy a bride' and they can often succeed, because they understand, in full, the dynamics involved in the process. For almost ALL who seek thier bride by means of agency, or as a concerted effort to seek a woman from a relatively economically poorer environment and who think that 'love' is involved as the primary motivator, then these guys are sufficiently dysfunctional to ensure they are not able to deal with the women they will meet.

As has been pointed out on another thread here, there are no longer huge numbers of women willing to sell themselves through agencies. Those who have been around for a while, and whose memories are intact, will recall the differences between a few years ago and now. The women who are left are now becoming the most desperate, lazy or venal, and almost certainly, if genuine, among the least attractive. Almost all are going to be women who can not see their future in their own country, notwithstanding improvements around them that have persuaded their sisters not to queue up for the American Dollar and the chunky foreigner. Given that, one first needs to establish why the woman they are communicating with is so diferent to her sisters... It ain't because they are the pick of the litter!

If I wanted to buy a wife then the FSU is still a happy hunting ground for those few with the desire and means to maintain their prize. For Mr Ordinary who can not maintain an relationship with an American woman and for whom life is a round of personal debt and wage slavery then the purchase option is no longer valid; about the best he can expect is a 2-3 year rental...

The costs have increased hugely.

[Journeyman]

Andrew,

You have not gone "soft" after all.   I had been concerned that your sometimes curmudgeonly manner and rapier commentary had gone on hiatus.  Nevertheless, I am also inclined to agree with a number of your observations.  For example:

As has been pointed out on another thread here, there are no longer huge numbers of women willing to sell themselves through agencies. Those who have been around for a while, and whose memories are intact, will recall the differences between a few years ago and now. The women who are left are now becoming the most desperate, lazy or venal, and almost certainly, if genuine, among the least attractive. Almost all are going to be women who can not see their future in their own country, notwithstanding improvements around them that have persuaded their sisters not to queue up for the American Dollar and the chunky foreigner. Given that, one first needs to establish why the woman they are communicating with is so diferent to her sisters... It ain't because they are the pick of the litter!

Even in just the 5 years that I have been involved in this arena, things have changed noticeably.  Unquestionably, their posture and motivations have changed markedly.  Recently, my girlfriend told me about the strategizing her girlfriends employ to "work the MOB system", and milk it for what they now think it is worth.  She said that essentially all women in the FSU now know how to use WM for the benefits they target.  A few want immigration, but others focus on dollars (or marks or pounds or lira), other transient benefits, or maybe just as a backup plan to the life they are pursuing locally.  She says that a majority of single women have at one time or another either pursued such strategies, or considered such strategies, or would likely do so in the future.  While that might be debateable, it seems quite reasonable to accept that such strategies are now common knowledge in the FSU.  

Indeed, perspicacity is the key.  "Why is she available?"  Why is she (seemingly) interested in me?"  What is possibly wrong with this picture?  As Murphys says, "if everything seems to be going right, you have obviously overlooked something."  I have spent countless hours probing around the recesses of my girlfriend's life.  I now have a pretty good idea of why she is available, and why she is interested in me.  She is not an ideal woman.  But, her imperfections are not deal-breakers, nor are they unmanageable.  Yet, I am still conducting additional "due diligence."  I think she is also.  I know she is.  But the result is that we have the makings of a genuine relationship.  

As you correctly observe also, a genuine relationship with a "normal" FSU woman will be an enormously costly endeavor.  That is, if it is to have even a fair chance of success.  And then there are the buried mines in the minefield.  Minimizing the now inherent risks in this endeavor is an ordeal, to say the least.  In fact, if I had known 5 years ago what I know now, I might not have ever pursued the matter.  But, I do like a challenge, and have decided to stick with it as long as I can fairly gauge the possibility of a net benefit and preferential return.  Oh yes, and then there is also love.  

Journeyman

[BC]

I think most will agree that economic factors are a big driving force in this quest. On one hand the RW seeks a mate she feels is able to provide sound financial conditions allowing a family to form and be maintained.  The AM on the other hand often counts on getting more 'bang for the buck' by upgrading in terms of youth and beauty, not to mention more 'fuzzy' values like 'traditional women'.

Aren't these views a bit contrary?

Although economic conditions are what they are in the FSU, in terms of 'Quality of life' what's the real difference when considering the tradeoffs?

Some examples:

Reflecting on my short time in the FSU, sleeping in the living room on a pull out couch was the 'norm' but I slept just as well as at home.  The food although different was plentiful and tasty (and probably more healthy). The apartment was small for a family but was easier to keep clean leaving more time for more enjoyable ventures. Lack of a car went unnoticed as the minibus was much more practical (never had to worry about parking tickets or the car getting stolen).

Are the differences really enough to justify looking for a partner elsewhere? (remember we're talking 'normal' people here)

[andrewfi]

BC ~ You are spot on and that is why, even as I write that I have no problem with a woman who seeks a better economic situation, I have come to the conclusion that the women actively seeking a foreign guy are notably difernt from their sisters. Frankly, life is, for most, not too shitty. Poverty is relative and so for the average American visitor, with little perspective things are not as he would like, for most women, life is not bad.

But, if one is seeking a wife to 'buy', also a perfectly rational strategy, although sneered at by the misty eyed 'romantics', then one must accept that one must absolutely have the cash to back up the fantasies of both parties. The woman know what they want, the men know what they want, but if the guy can not actually offer the Merc, solarium, nice clothes, gym and social life then things will go wrong, instanter!

The market has, I think polarised with more women at both extremes of 'good' and 'bad'. More men who as the market, in the US hits its mass market appeal (still a miniority of guys, of course!) become less well off, less well travelled and less good as social and marital partners. So, the likelihood of a disparity between what the women want and a man can offer increases.

If I were to offer all guys a single piece of advice it would be this:

Accept that you are going to buy a bride. accept the consequences and enjoy it. Do not feel guilty and hide in wraps of 'love' - Your bride is certainly aware of the 'sale'!

As soon as a man does this almost all of the pitfalls disappear, clarity of purpose can be acheived and a much better chance of long term happiness ensues.

[TigerPaws]

bc, andrewfin,

 Maybe being from Europe your perspective about the RW issue is different but many men who are looking for a RW are Americans and things are very different here. Some of this has been touched in various posts on different threads but in the majority of America you can not survive without at least one car, our lifestyle, culture, work enviroment and cost of living is vastly different than Europe. What may seen normal for you is completly different for Americans, in much of America today all too many men 35 to 50 years old with a good income are faced with little to no choices in women. If she is single without children attractive and intelligent then most likely she is a gold digger looking for the bigger better deal in a man with a lot of money.

 Here in America the choices (in women) most men face go from bad to terrible, the women dress poorly are FAT and think men should worship the ground they walk on. The majority of AW do not need a man to get along just fine, so if an intelligent American man wants a woman to be the homemaker, mother, wife and lover as well as someone who is attractive, inteligent and has a desire to keep herself that way he is forces to look overseas for a wife. 

[andrewfi]

I see nothing in your post above that conflicts with what I have written here. What did you read?

[TigerPaws]

andrewfn,

 You are welcome to PM me on this if you do not understand my post.

[BC]

Tiger,

I do have a rarely used blue passport and XX state drivers licence that expired 25 years ago and have lived and travelled in the US, so I know that a car is indespensable.  Heck I wouldn't even cross a street without one over there.

Aside from that, when I was younger didn't have too much problem with gf's and even married an AW.  Having been back recently, sure I noted that waistlines have increased, but there seemed to be plenty of good looking women among them. Maybe it was just the San Diego air.. who knows. I just don't buy that 'there's no good women left' in the US, as I don't buy 'all RW's are traditional'.

In any case I could imagine long term (or maybe any) interest in this mid 40's guy by a good looking younger woman would be slim to none even with a loaded wallet - It's the same here in IT.  Let's face it we're looking for those young hot 'thangs' half our age because we can't get em where we are even at a high price. (Sure as you say anyone can be bought, but then again you don't make and keep millions by buying high all the time)

My point was however, that on the other hand the average joe RW seeker with a modest wallet might impress, but will  likely fail to fulfill a RW's quest for a true increase in quality of life. If a guy comes back thinking life is so much better here he'd better think twice.

For heavens sake, don't give up your car but realize it really is not a luxury either.

[andrewfi]

I understand what you wrote, it was not germane to the point I was making is all.

But, having spent a lot longer in the US than most of you guys have spent in the country from which you seek/sought your wives, I know that the fears of which you speak are not real. There are many good women, attractive and not overweight, as if that were a problem for those motivated to change!

You went and did the deal that made the person you met into your wife some years ago and both parties are apparently happy with the deal, you are not typical of the people of whom I wrote, as I am sure you realise. I am sure you knew what you did and so did she, the details you shared with us of your prenuptial agreement speak to it...

[TigerPaws]

Gentlemen,

 I have always said that a man needs to be prepared to spend time and money in order to be sucessful in his quest for a RW.

 Of course not all RW are what many men would call a more traditional woman, but the simple fact is that it is easier to find such a woman in the FSU than America today.

 I disagree with with you andrewfin when you say "There are many good women, attractive and not overweight" I am sorry to say that the vast majority of AW between 24 and 35 have completly let themselves go and as I said those who do are attractive, intelligent and keep them selves looking nice think men should worship the ground they walk on. Far too many are looking for the bigger, better deal, a sugar daddy to milk for all he is worth, gold diggers.

 An American man over 40 has few choices and the average guy has little to no choices, if the man happens to be in the upper income bracket he is looked opon by AW as nothing more than a money tree. The FSU offers so much more to the intelligent man and a chance to find a real lady rather than a fat ugly slob as all to many American women are.

[Leslie]

Tiger,

Your advice on a previous post is excellent, but the academics posting on this thread have missed it!

I place the burden on the man to select the lady which best fits his wants, needs and desires then it is up to him to do everything within his power to ensure the relationship has a fighting chance of sucess,

Problem is that a lot of guys don't select a lady.  In truth they have no rational list of attributes they are seeking in their future spouse.  They file for immigration for the first acceptably pretty lady who "claims them"  Then they marry in blissful ignorance of the tremendous effort it will take on their part to make this marriage work.

A lot of guys get involved in this process who cannot take responsibilty fot their own lives. It is hardly surprising that they fail when they must take responsibility for some one else's life.  Especially a wife who has just immigrated into a new culture and thus needs a lot of support.