Turboguy's K1 Ordeal

[andrewfi]

Sonar ~ you told us that the issues you had surfaced immediately after the meeting with the CO so of course there were issues, you just did not know about them and sadly you were unable to deal wth them before taking her to your home country. Those issues would have surfaced sooner or later and made themselves apparent to you. If the interview with the CO led to problems between the two of you, he DID do your job, amost certainly unwittingly, you as should have been aware of the problems beforehand and dealt with them after the interview. It beggars belief to suggest that what he might have talked about during the course of a short interview would have led to the demise of your relationship. The relationship was already dead, you just did not know it. Perhaps your lack of openness became the issue, although that is something that she would have talked about. I cannot help but think that if I was your fiancee and I had to discover about your marriage history from a consular official then I might be a tad dismayed.:huh: It is your job to manage outcomes and expectations and, after all, you are asking a woman to give up her entire life for you. Openness might seem a prerequisite of such an exchange!

[Voyageur]

Well Sonar, the reason that this thread was started was that, at the  time the thread began, I too did not believe that an Embassy CO had any  business in determining the suitability of a woman to be your wife, and  to NOT be allowed to immigrate to the United States. At the time, my  then fiancee (and now wife) was scheduled to interview at the Moscow  Embassy shortly after TurboGuy's Luda.  Of course, it was an  extreme time of nervousness and then outrage after I heard of the  problems he had.  And I was especially outraged by the seeming  capricious methods that were used by this individual, that would have  such major influence on people's lives and futures.

This was nearly five months ago and since then, I have read, thought  and discussed this issue with others, including my wife.  Our  situation was - that we really wanted to be together.  We had a  real, good, proven relationship and wanted to live together. And the  news of TurboGuy's ordeals caused major anxiety in our lives. I knew  that I was going to marry her, but if the K1 visa was turned down, I  would have to go to Russia to marry her and undergo the whole ZAGS  routine.  This would have added a year or so to our being apart  and added more expense and time away from work to my life.  Not to  mention the pain of being separted from your love.

Of course, she passed the interview without any troubles.  But  some of the responses from others to this thread (and other threads)  really got me to thinking about the process. Really, it is hard to  separte the heart and the mind sometimes, but this process is simply an  immigration issue and the CO has a responsibility to determine if the  visa critieron is met. 

It is so very easy for me to say this now, and I remember my thinking  was quite different at the time.  "What government has the right  to so complicate someone's life - two people who have the right to make  a choice in their husband or wife?"

At the time, this particular CO was really giving people grief. My wife  talked with this CO during the fingerprints process.  She said  that he was very smart and pleasant but asked questions in a way that  he could understand somewhat, how serious our relationship was.   She said that he seemed to be the most diligent and alert CO at the  interviews. I believe Andrewfi said that he may have been a  troubleshooter or given the most difficult cases.  My wife  certainly agrees with this.

THe proces is not easy to endure and it is tough to see your loved one  - whom is giving up everything she knows to come to be with you - be  put through this process.  Especially when you prove that you are  capable of supporting her and are signing an Affidavit to this  effect.  And it is also difficult to see each day all of the  unlawful entries into the US, certainly in the millions.  And it  is diffucult to understand that your government could have such a huge  effect on your life and future.

But in hindsight, the Government really does not tell you whom you can marry, only whom they will allow into the country.

And in my experience, the real work begins after you get off the  airplane.  This process is tough on your new relationship, there  is no doubt. But you learn much about each other when you are forced to  go to this difficult process together.

[Sonar]

Sonar ~ you told us that the issues you had surfaced immediately after the meeting with the CO so of course there were issues, you just did not know about them and sadly you were unable to deal wth them before taking her to your home country. Those issues would have surfaced sooner or later and made themselves apparent to you. If the interview with the CO led to problems between the two of you, he DID do your job, amost certainly unwittingly, you as should have been aware of the problems beforehand and dealt with them after the interview. It beggars belief to suggest that what he might have talked about during the course of a short interview would have led to the demise of your relationship. The relationship was already dead, you just did not know it. Perhaps your lack of openness became the issue, although that is something that she would have talked about. I cannot help but think that if I was your fiancee and I had to discover about your marriage history from a consular official then I might be a tad dismayed.:huh: It is your job to manage outcomes and expectations and, after all, you are asking a woman to give up her entire life for you. Openness might seem a prerequisite of such an exchange!

andrewfin, I appreciate your attempt to bring some light to this issue, but I don't think that you have read all of my previous posts about the matter. Nothing was hidden from her and she knew everything that there was to know about my divorce situation. There were no hidden issues to surface at a later date.

This was an ongoing 3 year relationship that started in 7/00. Before I even met her in person, I explained to her through e-mail that I was not yet legally divorced and that I was involved with a very vindictive x that refuses to settle. Over the next three years she was informed of everything as it happened.

My mind was made up that this was the woman that I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had no intention of being involved in another relationship that would end as my first marrage. Therefore I was as truthfull and honest as a man can possibly be.

Again I will say it. There were no issues that I was aware of. I never felt that it was necessary to break down every little detail of every incident of court proceedings to her. So therefore she never heard the term 'mental abuse' that was thrown at me in court. Here in the USA, if you look at a womans ass the wrong way, someone can find a way to charge you with some form of abuse.

What I am saying is that she got cold feet by something that was said to her during the interview. Three months after I sent her back, she wanted to come here and try it again. But I had lost confidence in her from the first time that she was here.

IT was me that decided to end the relationship the first time because like I said earlier, she was not the same woman that I had known for 3 years.

[Sonar]

Voyager, I understand exactly what you are saying. Sure, all of that makes sense.

But I just don't understand how the government has any right what so ever to discuss my prior divorce proceedings with my fiancee' without me being present.

That is my only problem with the entire situation. After all, a CO is nothing more than an INS employee. There is no possible way that he could have known enough about my situation to even bring up a subject such as 'mental abuse' in a prior marriage.

 

[KenC]

Sonar,

You still try to place the blame on the emabassy clerk when you say:

What I am saying is that she got cold feet by something that was said to her during the interview

That is not only unrealistic but convenient.  I think you are looking for an excuse to blame someone (anyone?) other than yourself for your failed engagement.  There is no way a clerk could have put doubt in your fiancee's mind.  He might have cultivated some doubt that was already there, but that is about it.  I also find it very unlikely that information regarding your divorce even entered into the picture.  So you can cross the clerk at the embassy and your exwife off your "blame list."

BTW, in 20/20 hindsight, it appears that this "Brazilian" clerk may have hit upon something with Turbo's fiancee, Luda.  He questioned the validity of Luda's intentions, and in the end, he was right!

KenC[/size]

[Sonar]

Ken, there is no blame list. But if you think that it's not possible for a CO to get out of line at an interview and go beyond what is required, then I would like to know where you get your information.

You can speculate all that you want and I suppose that you could even accuse me of speculation because that is basically all that it is. Speculation on my part and also speculation on your part when you try to discount the fact that the k1 process is not unique in each individual case.

Disagree all that you want, but it still does not mean that it is not possible. I never said that I was sure that this was the absolute reason. I said that it was a strong suspicion from my discussion with my girl after the interview.

She was extremely happy and excited as she entered the embassy. She came out 3 hours later looking as if her dog had just been ran over. How would you explain it?

[BC]

Sonar,

I would explain it as a 'reality check'..

[Admin]

Ken, there is no blame list. Butif you think that it's not possible for a CO to get out of line at an interview and go beyond what is required, then I would like to know where you get your information.

You can speculate all that you want and I suppose that you could even accuse me of speculation because that is basically all that it is. Speculation on my part and also speculation on your part when you try to discount the fact that the k1 process is not unique in each individual case.

Disagree all that you want, but it still does not mean that it is not possible. I never said that I was sure that this was the absolute reason. I said that it was a strong suspicion from my discussion with my girl after the interview.

She was extremely happy and excited as she entered the embassy. She came out 3 hours later looking as if her dog had just been ran over. How would you explain it?

Sonar,

It really isn't possible for KenC, or anyone else, to venture a guess as to what occurred.

Consider this - if your girl was sincerely interested in a life with you - then she would know how important communications are. If she learned something in the interview, then she was duty-bound to discuss it with you. If she did not, then perhaps, it is best things did not work out anyway - because that does not seem a characteristic that would be beneficial to a marriage. The characteristic I refer to is the failure to discuss what it was that affected her so.

If she DID discuss it with you - then only YOU know the answer to what was upsetting her - and only YOU can (or could have) done something about it.

What Ken is trying to tell you - is this is much more about YOU and your relationship with the girl - than it is about the CO.

- Dan

[Sonar]

Ken, there is no blame list. But if you think that it's not possible for a CO to get out of line at an interview and go beyond what is required, then I would like to know where you get your information.

You can speculate all that you want and I suppose that you could even accuse me of speculation because that is basically all that it is. Speculation on my part and also speculation on your part when you try to discount the fact that the k1 process is not unique in each individual case.

Disagree all that you want, but it still does not mean that it is not possible. I never said that I was sure that this was the absolute reason. I said that it was a strong suspicion from my discussion with my girl after the interview.

She was extremely happy and excited as she entered the embassy. She came out 3 hours later looking as if her dog had just been ran over. How would you explain it?

Sonar,

It really isn't possible for KenC, or anyone else, to venture a guess as to what occurred.
What Ken is trying to tell you - is this is much more about YOU and your relationship with the girl - than it is about the CO.

- Dan[/quote]
Dan, I understand that perfectly. My point is not about the girl, our relationship or any misunderstanding at the interview.

My only point is that I feel the government has no right to discuss my prior divorce with my fiancee' beyond the question of validity. According to her, they had a lenghty discussion about it. Maybe she was lying, I don't know. I never suspected her of lying about it but of course it is possible.

So does that make me less of a man and unwilling to accept responsibility? Some here seem to think so.

 

[Admin]

My only point is that I feel the government has no right to discuss my prior divorce with my fiancee' beyond the question of validity. According to her, they had a lenghty discussion about it. Maybe she was lying, I don't know. I never suspected her of lying about it but of course it is possible.

So does that make me less of a man and unwilling to accept responsibility? Some here seem to think so.

Sonar,

No, your belief (or wish) that the government should have no right divulging private information does not make you "less of a man" - and I don't think that's what Ken was trying to say either.

Those of us who have had the misery of fighting through legal battles, have found there are scars that become permanently etched in the stone describing our history.

For those interested enough, they might find some highly interesting - if untruthful - legal records in the public domain, as a direct result of my ex-wife's "deceptive" tactics. It appears that, once a person has been entered into some of these systems, it is impossible to have the name removed. For that matter, it is even impossible to gain access to some records to SEE what the governmental authorities THINK they know about you.

So to the extent you are complaining about your civil liberties and rights to privacy having been violated - you are among good company and I will join in your campaign to eliminate unnecessary government intervention, intrusion, and consequent waste of tax dollars.

To the extent that you blame your woes, all on the acts of one embassy worker, you are probably placing blame inappropriately.

KenC's post have, for many years, insisted that a person look at oneself FIRST for answers. Do not bother trying to lay blame elsewhere - because it does absolutely no good. What does SOME good - sometimes - is the serious assessment of how YOU contributed - and what YOU might have done differently to generate a different outcome, presumably one you would have liked better.

For example - in this instance, knowing all you know about the vagaries and injustice of the American 'justice' system - you surely could have explained all those circumstances of your past divorce, with your new girlfriend. Some would even argue that your relationship was very shallow if you had NOT discussed these things in some depth. If you HAD discussed those with her - and had YOUR chance to explain things, then no matter what the CO said, she would not have been surprised and would have been equipped to deal with it.

Just as one possible alternate scenario.

Bottom line - what did you learn from the experience? What will you do different next time?

I don't ask those questions flippantly - I am sincerely curious - and I am sure others will benefit from your answers as well. Your experience can be beneficial to anyone who may have some black marks on the official record which may be exposed to the girls at some point.

- Dan

[andrewfi]

I think Ken was making the point that to blame the CO for your troubles is stretching things. There is simply no way that he could have convinced the woman that she should break up with you. He may have given her food for thought, but only if there was food to be eaten.

You tell us that it was you who sent her home becasue she had changed. In one way or another, all that could have happened during the interview was that she was given information that she did not previously have. I still suggest that it was your task to help her to be ready to face the interview, by managing her expectations. She did not change when she went into the interview, she was the same person. She had new and more information that altered her perception of you and both she and you reacted to that.

One way or another, you were building a house on sand, you know better, much better than we do, but in these genral terms, I am sure that we are not far from the mark. Sadly, it is always easier to blame externalities for our problems. She changed - the CO said things, but in the end, if your relationship was good, then she would still be with you. Probably, if she had had all the information before she went to the interview that she had after the interview then there would have been no issue, it is about managing outcomes, eh? I know ful well itis hard, very hard when dealing with somebody with different language skills, life experience and backgrounds, so much of what we know is implicit - we expect everyone to know the same stuff as us. Hereabouts, people do not know everything you know and of course, you do not know everything they know!

[Turboguy]

At the time I started this thread I felt the Brazian CO was out of line.  I think you all know we did eventually get the visa and Luda came here for 89 days.

After the interview Luda told me some things that I thought were out of line such as.  The CO asked if she spoke English.  She said she only knew a little.  He said he could conduct the interview in either language but if they conducted it in Russian she would not get the visa.  I felt that was totally wrong and a violation of guidelines and rules.   I thought I knew Luda pretty well at that time but when she was here for 89 days, I learned a lot more.

One thing I did not know then is that Luda is the most chronic liar I have met in my life.  She can tell three different people three different stores about anything and never bat an eye.  You could not even ask her if she had eaten and know if she had by her answer.   That leads me to believe that what went on in the interview may have been exactly what she told me or something totally different.  Based on my experience I would say the odds are that what went on in the interview had little similarity to what she told me.

Sonar, I misunderstood your story I think.  So she did come here for the 90 days and then went back?    That being the case, She had plenty of time to get over what the CO said and see what a great guy you are.   I think it was just not meant to be.

[RacerX]

My wife and I had an interesting twist on the grilling an immigration official can dole out.  We had passed our K-1 "exam" with flying colors - BTW Turbo: I strongly disagree, if you can be present at the interview, BE THERE.  In our case I was not asked any questions while acting like a puppy who want to be thrown a bone, but in a friendly parting comment, the CO said; " I didn't need to ask you anything, your presence along side your future wife was more than enough for me!"

At POE Chicago, the grumpy official stamped everything as quickly as he could and we were on our way in maybe 3 minutes with nary a question.

Now comes a little vacation to Canada.  Upon our re-entry and out of nowhere this POE (the Hispanic twin of the Moscow fellow) jerk starts being extra rude and decides to apparently conduct the consulate interview we never had.  After nearly 45 minutes of unrelenting questions he reluctantly decides to issue her a new I-94 and summarily dismisses us.  Needless to say we were a little shaken by his utter rudeness and unprofessional behavior.  But an hour or so later, and after a drink (make that a couple of drinks!) we started joking with other about the ordeal.  During the entire flight back we kidded each other with gallows-humor jokes and have since put the whole matter behind us.  

If anything we are a lot closer after experiencing the "dark side" of the immigration arena rather it having been a divisive moment for us.  I think this is just another indicator if you are suited for each other.

[Turboguy]

Hi Racer

I was there.  You are not allowed inside at Moscow.  The CO asked her when she had seen me last and she answered he is outside the embassy.   Actually as near as I can tell, I was the only Fiancee there.  I have to guess about that though.

[RacerX]

Turbo ~ no, you did good!  Somewhere in this thread (BTW the RWD ones seem to go on forever!) I thought you said something about not wanting to be there in the future because you might start yelling at the dic*-head CO.  I was just saying: be there, and be quiet.

[Sonar]

Sonar, I misunderstood your story I think.  So she did come here for the 90 days and then went back?    That being the case, She had plenty of time to get over what the CO said and see what a great guy you are.   I think it was just not meant to be.

Turboguy, No she was not here for 90 days. After we boarded our flight from SVO to Miami, I started to have serious concerns about our relationship. It had been a very stressful week. We spoke about it during the flight and I did everything possible to re-assure her that all was ok.

Our first couple of days here were great. She loved my home and my area here in S. Florida. Of course culture shock was an issue and it was easy for me to understand her situation. I had experienced it myself during my first couple of trips to Russia. I knew exactly what she was going through. I did everything that I could think of to make her feel comfortable.

On her fourth day here, she again brought up my x and also some things that were told to her at the embassy about how difficult it is for a Russian woman in the USA. She had seen some photos of my ex-wife in a photo album that belongs to my son and made some comments about my x being a very attractive woman. I explained to her that she was the only woman that I was interested in and to not be concerned with my x.  Next she brings up every what-if scenero that you can imagine and I am trying to be extreemly sensitive about her concerns. It got the point that I told her that if anything were to go wrong between us and she decided that she wanted to go back to Russia that I would not try to stop her.

That is when all hell broke loose. I'm not going to go into detail about it other than it became quite unbearable after a couple of days. So I decided that the best thing at that time was for her to go back home and we would try it again sometime in the future. So after 7 days, I took her to the airport and said goodbye. You are probably right. It was just not meant to be. 

[Turboguy]

It got the point that I told her that if anything were to go wrong between us and she decided that she wanted to go back to Russia that I would not try to stop her.

It is water over the dam now but it sounds to me that this is where you went wrong.   I think she was testing your love for her and you said she could go back. She might have taken that to be a lack of committment to her.  Of course when they are putting you through all that s**t you get to the point where you are almost glad to see them go.

[Sonar]

It got the point that I told her that if anything were to go wrong between us and she decided that she wanted to go back to Russia that I would not try to stop her.

  Of course when they are putting you through all that s**t you get to the point where you are almost glad to see them go.[/quote]
Well, on her fourth day here she became very upset because I had to go to work. Gave me the silent treatment that evening. So on the fifth day, I took her to work with me. I really had no other choice since she insisted. I had a meeting that morning with an electrical engineer at a 50 story hi rise that was under construction. I'm an electrical contractor. I had to leave her in my truck while I spent about four hours on the upper floors of the building with the engineer. There were several issues to resolve and the engineer had flown in from Orlando that morning. It just wasn't possible to blow him off that day. So I gave her one of my Nextel Radio/Telephones, showed her how to use it to contact me on the radio, told her to call her mother, father, aunt, uncle, girlfriend or anyone else that she wanted to call in Russia. I left the truck running with the A/C on, put a CD in the player, gave her a kiss and went to take care of business.

At around 1PM my business was complete and I returned to the truck. She was pretty upset because I had been gone for almost four hours. Again the silent treatment. So I took her to the Sawgrass Mills Mall outside of Ft.Lauderdale. What better way to make a Russian woman happy, right? Take her shopping. Wrong!!! One of the largest shopping malls in the world with 100's of ladie's shops and she couldn't find anything that she liked. She made an effort to be unimpressed with everything that I suggested. Again the silent treatment. Took her to dinner that night at a really nice waterfront restuarant nearby. She sat there looking pi$$ed. I see other people looking at us with that look on their face of "WoW, I wonder what he did to her"?

I really have to laugh at myself as I remember all of this. It wasn't very funny at the time but now, a couple of years later I find it amusing.

The sixth morning I woke her at 8 AM to tell her that I would be back as soon as possible. I had to go to the jobsite for a few hours. She says "Oh, so you are going to leave me alone again". She just didn't understand that after spending two weeks with her in Russia, things pile up here. My nerves were becoming a little bit raw at this point and I decided to call Air France just to check flight schedules and reservations. Air France had an open reservation to Moscow for the next day and beyond that it would be about a week on such short notice. All of the other airlines were booked solid. Not knowing what I would have to deal with when I got home later, I booked the flight just in case.

Later that day when I returned home, again the silent treatment. I stayed awake that night trying to decide what to do. I had known this girl for more than three years and had spent a lot of time with her in Russia. I was experiencing a side of her that I had never seen before and I felt very uncomfortable about it. So I made the decision that it would be best for both of us if she returned to Russia. I took her to the airport the next morning and said goodbye.

[BC]

Sonar,

What would YOU do different next time around?

Yes.. a 'loaded' question. Your last couple of posts really do 'tell the tale'.

I'm sorry but based on your posts, imho visitors 1 - home 0

[KenC]

Sonar,

Wow, after 3 years and going through all that it takes to get a K-1, you gave it all of 7 days?  That's the way to stick to it!  Persistance at it's finest!:shock:  She probably wasn't over her jet lag yet when you sent her back!  BTW, your troubles were nothing more than most suffer through during the very early stages.  The more you tell your story, the stranger it gets.  Seven days is no where near enough time to allow her to acclimate to a whole new culture and country.  (I am embarrassed to even have to write that!)

My "take" on this is that you panicked.  Air reservations or not, to only give it a try for 7 days after 3 years of invested time is ridiculous.  (The embassy clerk had nothing to do with your impulsive mistake)

KenC

[Sonar]

Sonar,

What would YOU do different next time around?

Yes.. a 'loaded' question. Your last couple of posts really do 'tell the tale'.

I'm sorry but based on your posts, imho visitors 1 - home 0

Hey BC, Sure that is a loaded question. But I have a very simple answer.

I would do exactly the same thing that I have already done. Move on.

We all know that hindsight is 20/20 but if I had it to do all over again with the same girl ? I would definately try to be more patient with her. But that is not a one way street and she would also need to do some things differently.

[Sonar]

Sonar,

Wow, after 3 years and going through all that it takes to get a K-1, you gave it all of 7 days?  That's the way to stick to it!  Persistance at it's finest!:shock:  She probably wasn't over her jet lag yet when you sent her back!  BTW, your troubles were nothing more than most suffer through during the very early stages.  The more you tell your story, the stranger it gets.  Seven days is no where near enough time to allow her to acclimate to a whole new culture and country.  (I am embarrassed to even have to write that!)

My "take" on this is that you panicked.  Air reservations or not, to only give it a try for 7 days after 3 years of invested time is ridiculous.  (The embassy clerk had nothing to do with your impulsive mistake)

KenC

Hey Ken, You are not telling me anything that I don't already know. Read my post to BC. I acknowledge the fact that 7 days is ridiculous and extreem patience is the only way to deal with this sort of thing. I know all about jet lag, culture shock and homesickness. I agree with what you say except of two things.

There was no panic involved what so ever. Nothing more than a logical decision based on the circumstances. The biggest problem was the timing and I had absolutely no control over that. If the visa had been approved a couple of months earlier, I would have been able to devote all of my time to her. But at that particular time it was not possible.

Impulsive mistake? There was nothing impulsive about anything so I really don't know what you are talking about. Some guys just refuse to believe that it's possible that a woman could also be a significant part of a problem. Sure, it's always  100% the guys fault whenever there is a problem.

And the embassy clerk has absolutely nothing to do with this part of the equation. All of that crap was 2 weeks prior. You can defend the embassy all you want but in my case, I stick with my opinion that nobody at the embassy has any right to act as a psychological or marriage counseller. And like I have said many times, I don't know it that contributed to the problem or not. You seem to be the one that has the definate answer. If my girl needed counselling about anything then I would prefer to take her to a professional rather than some damn government employee.

[andrewfi]

Bloody Hell!

I have moved to live in several different countries now and I know for sure that a week is not long enough to even start to settle down and work on stuff like relationships. If there were issues in your relationship, like how you felt she reacted to you, a week in a new country is not enough time to even begin to deal with such things.

That said, you certainly did the right thing. You for sure were not ready for a relationship. The only bad thing was the outcome for the poor girl.

Sonar you are a scary man!:huh:

[Sonar]

Bloody Hell!

I have moved to live in several different countries now and I know for sure that a week is not long enough to even start to settle down and work on stuff like relationships. If there were issues in your relationship, like how you felt she reacted to you, a week in a new country is not enough time to even begin to deal with such things.

That said, you certainly did the right thing. You for sure were not ready for a relationship. The only bad thing was the outcome for the poor girl.

Sonar you are a scary man!:huh:

You don't know enough about the facts to make such a determination. Again, sure it's always 100% the guys fault. There was no questionable outcome or bad thing for 'the poor girl" as you say. How is it always the "poor girl" that is given every consideration and benefit of every doubt? Get real man, this is the 21st century and not that many women fall into the "poor girl" category anymore.

I spoke to her on the phone as soon as she got home and everything was fine. In fact we are still very much good friends today and communicate regularly.

You need to understand that this is a grown, mature and intelligent woman that knows how to take care of herself. We had discussed our relationship many, many times and we both knew that as in any relationship, there was a possibility that there would be problems.

I am very familiar with Russian culture and truthfully, I don't understand why any Russian woman would want to live in the USA. All of this was discussed very thoroughly and we both knew where we stood on the issue.

"Sonar, you are a very scary man"? HaHa, didn't mean to frighten you.

[BC]

Sonar,

Just a thought..

I'm quite sure my wife would be very displeased to know that I correspond with another RW on a 'regular' basis.. 

Maybe you still need to really 'let go' of this emotional baggage before starting over..

".. but we're just friends" won't hack it either imho.