How much money to send to wife

[LiveFromUkraine]

Ken c,,

Sounds like a load of BS to me too. If not this guy takes the cake for idiot of the year with respect to RW.

You asked your wife to quit her job but are now complaining about all the money she is requesting.  Hmmm... Doesn't sound like a decent man to me.  You are now responsible to this woman.  Be a decent man yourself.  How is that for some advice.

Sorry Ken if i look like a "Cocky no it all"  but really i am only defending myself from the abuse i have been getting, Yes i did tell my wife she could finish her job. then i replaced her income 4 fold, i am not complaining about the $800 per month, i raised the issue about the extras she asks for on top of this, and i dont just mean the teeth.

neil

If you are talking about me not knowing anything about RW.  You may be right Neil or Jacob.  I have only known my Ukranian wife for two years.  Lived with her for one year in Ukraine.  I guess I don't know anything.  I will bow down to your alternative way of getting hitched in a couple of months and shoveling money into the deep abyss.


Good luck with your nightmare.



Thomas

[BC]

One thing that is probably being overlooked...

Once a woman meets the shining knight of her dreams, she will want to knock on the armor and see if it is real or not..  she will want to prove to possibly doubtful friends and family that her decision is sound and she has the full support of her new husband.. - and not just chasing a mirage.

Unsure or not, your actions are those that will count.  She might well be a woman that deserves trust, or maybe she is not.

In many ways we 'make our bed'.. so be prepared to lie in it.

Either provide solid support or kiss your relationship goodbye (if there is one..)

One of the 'old' commandments stated something like : " Be a Man "

For better or worse, don't wimp out - support her fully, even at the risk of loosing a few bucks.
 
JIMHO

[LiveFromUkraine]

Neil, I think you have got yourself a real winner. She is a liar, she's spoiled and she's selfish. You can most certainly find many women like that in the UK! You didn't need to go to the Ukraine to be taken advantage of.
I'm not going to call you names. It isn't right. From what You've written only, my advice... Get out of this before she arrives to meet the Queen.

I would like to know how you come to realize she is a liar.   Based on the OP posts?  Well there is always two sides to this deal and I haven't really seen anything that tells me she is a liar and using him.  I hope for everyone's sake that she is using him after telling him to divorce if indeed he really does take that advice.  With that said, the dental bill is excessive and should be looked into further.


I really agree with Dan here and made a similar post.  He made a commitment to this woman and should follow this through until he has solid proof or they cannot reconcile their financial expectations.  There is no need to do anything besides communicate better.



Thomas

[ScottinCrimea]

My first reaction to the question was:

"As much as she needs - after all, she is your wife."

Then I went looking for a definition of the term "wife." Here is an interesting one:

The other definitions I found were biblical (some of the best) or were parodies (some quite funny). Of course, there is the definition of a Good Wife at www.goodwife.com.

For me, it comes down to this:

She is YOUR WIFE!

A *man* takes care of his WIFE.

Period. End of story.

If she has a need. Take care of it.

Just my $.02 worth.

- Dan

 

[jakeob]

Dan

I am a little shocked under the circumstances that your input is this, i am here wondering and debating with people if i am being scammed,, or i am a total fool or even a bad man, to me this all quite serious stuff.

And your answer is simply "Be a man"  "Shes your wife" "Give anything she needs" Have you not read the previous posts and the things i have raised, sound like something of the Waltons

neil

[Admin]

Dan

I am a little shocked under the circumstances that your input is this, i am here wondering and debating with people if i am being scammed,, or i am a total fool or even a bad man, to me this all quite serious stuff.

And your answer is simply "Be a man"  "Shes your wife" "Give anything she needs" Have you not read the previous posts and the things i have raised, sound like something of the Waltons

neil

Neil,

I read it. I recognize you are on the horns of a self-imposed dilemma.

To me, this is a pretty black-and-white situation (and that is saying a LOT since I rarely see things in such stark terms).

You took this woman to be your wife. Correct?

In doing so, you accepted an obligation.

Men fulfill their obligations.

That is just how I see it.

I have no ulterior motive and no intent to malign - simply stating it the way I see it.

- Dan

[BC]

Dan

I am a little shocked under the circumstances that your input is this, i am here wondering and debating with people if i am being scammed,, or i am a total fool or even a bad man, to me this all quite serious stuff.

And your answer is simply "Be a man"  "Shes your wife" "Give anything she needs" Have you not read the previous posts and the things i have raised, sound like something of the Waltons

neil

Not answering for Dan, but you just may be 'fine and dandy'... it's just that you don't have the confidence to know it.

After all, what do you have to loose... another 800 bucks before you get back over there?

a drop in the bucket of life.....

[ScottinCrimea]

There are only two things you can say to her when you go visit.  Either "I don't have the money to give you." or "I have it but I don't want to give it to you"

The thing you seem to be forgetting is that, as your wife, it is no longer only "your money".  It belongs equally to the both of you, and as a couple, you should jointly decide how best to use this money.

Sit down with her and discuss it as a COUPLE, not as a man who is giving gifts to a woman.  Ultimately, though, as your wife, she deserves to live equally or better than you.  You told her not to work, you told her that you would support her, now start supporting her in the lifestyle that she deserves proportionate to the amount of money that you BOTH have.

[Faux Pas]

.  Why on god's green earth do we work and make money if not to support and help the people we love?  IMO money is not something to be hoarded;  rather a tool to provide a good life and what good is a tool if it's not used?

Maxxum

Much of what you said makes sense however, money can also be used as a tool against one in the wrong relationship. It seems to me jakeob might be wondering if he is in that wrong relationship. He stated he increased her level of income 4 fold yet it doesn't seem to be quenching her thirst any. Seems to be only making it worse. The money is having more of a narcotic effect on her. He said he loves her, he married her, but especially in this endeavor, how long do you ignore that 20 ton pink elephant in the room for the sake of matrimony? You and Dan both mention "manning up". In my mind manning up can also mean having the ability to say no.

[jakeob]

You took this woman to be your wife. Correct?

In doing so, you accepted an obligation.

Men fulfill their obligations.

Dan thanks for your opinion , you see it how you see it. I am a man ,i am carrying out my obligations,  but the point of this topic is am i being taken advantage off, possibly way beyond a "Mans" obligations.

This black and white heroic statement doesnt answer any of my concerns. I guess i should have asked "What have other men been asked fo?, or given?" under the guise of (Mans obligations to his newlywed wife whilst waiting for visa)

regards

neil

[ScottinCrimea]

neil, what did I do while waiting for my wife's visa?  We agreed on a set amount each month, then anytime she asked for money for something extra, I would send it to her.  A few times I asked her to explain, more for my understanding than due to issues of trust, but if I had it I sent it.  If I didn't have the money at the time, I explained this and she was fine with it. Was there some foolish spending on her part?  Of course!  Just like I have made some foolish or frivolous purchases on occasion.

Your wife is experiencing the new sensation of actually having some money to spend beyond the very basic necessities.  It's a learning process and it's your job to teach her as well as be patient while she learns.  It's not wrong to say no sometimes, but it's also okay to let her make a few mistakes.

What are you more willing to part with, her or the money?  Find a way to take responsibility for both.

[Admin]

You took this woman to be your wife. Correct?

In doing so, you accepted an obligation.

Men fulfill their obligations.

Dan thanks for your opinion , you see it how you see it. I am a man ,i am carrying out my obligations,  but the point of this topic is am i being taken advantage off, possibly way beyond a "Mans" obligations.

This black and white heroic statement doesnt answer any of my concerns. I guess i should have asked "What have other men been asked fo?, or given?" under the guise of (Mans obligations to his newlywed wife whilst waiting for visa)

regards

neil

Neil,

I did not mean to insult. My counsel (such as it is) could be entirely wrong. Even if not wrong, and you don't accept it - that is OK.

I have a strong belief that - once a man accepts a woman to become his wife, that represents a commitment that has no boundaries. That commitment means (to me, anyway) that you will absolutely insure she is taken care of to the limits (and beyond) of your capacity. Full stop. No excuses.

Nobody here knows the specific circumstances you face - except this: you accepted that woman to become your wife, and now she is. Treat her like one.

Accept it, or not. I am not meaning to insult - and I won't be insulted if you reject it.

- Dan

[jakeob]

Thanks Scottincrimea, you make a lot of sense with what you say,  I have no problem sending her money, if i think everything is above board. I am only here to get peoples opinions so i can come to a more informed opinion myself. I do take on board that if a person has been quite poor for some time, when they come into some money they will have along list of things they suddenly realise they need, that makes sense. And the fact that it is only just this last week i have had to expain the realities of my worth, and make her actually listen this time

neil

[jakeob]

Dan

What if the "Man" suddenly becomes aware hes acted like a "FREEKIN IDIOT"  and married a scammer who he didnt know . Who is scamming him on a weekly basis

Can this "Man" not then set some boundries to his support?? Or try to save himself?


neil ,,,,no offence taken

[ScottinCrimea]

And the fact that it is only just this last week i have had to expain the realities of my worth, and make her actually listen this time
neil

neil, That was a conversation that should have taken place long ago.  What you will hear from those who have a FSUW is that it takes a long time to help them understand the concept of a budget, since they have never had one, or the idea of putting money away for the future, as they never had the luxury to even contemplate that idea.  In very simplistic terms, their mentality is that if they have money now, they need to spend it now because there is no guarantee of the future.

What she needs to feel, more than anything, is a feeling of financial stability.  That must come from you, and that takes time.  She needs to know that the basic financial foundation and support will always be there.  Only then can she begin to feel comfortable with longterm financial planning.  To do that, she needs to know that there will be a steady stream of family income, how much that is, and what the obligations are that the money must go toward.

[KenC]

Dan

What if the "Man" suddenly becomes aware hes acted like a "FREEKIN IDIOT"  and married a scammer who he didnt know . Who is scamming him on a weekly basis

Can this "Man" not then set some boundries to his support?? Or try to save himself?


neil ,,,,no offence taken

Neil,
You have already proven to be impulsive with your conclusions and actions or you would not be married at this point.  Could it be that you are again jumping to conclusions here?  Calling your wife a scammer is pretty hostile words in my book.  Don't you think the woman that took you as her husband deserves a bit more benifit of the doubt?  In short, you are over reacting.....again.
KenC

[LiveFromUkraine]

Neil, we have been busting each others balls in this thread.  Let me ask you something serious without resulting to anymore attacks.

Did you have any type of conversations regarding how you live in the states, how much money you make or what she should expect?



Thomas

[jakeob]

Ken

Sorry, i was just testing Dans   "Black and white"   View on this subject please don't read to much into this statement, i wasn't calling my wife a scammer , just offering a hypothetical situation

neil

[UTRO]

I would like to know how you come to realize she is a liar.    Based on the OP posts?  Well there is always two sides to this deal and I haven't really seen anything that tells me she is a liar and using him.  I hope for everyone's sake that she is using him after telling him to divorce if indeed he really does take that advice.  With that said, the dental bill is excessive and should be looked into further.
Thomas

Why do I call her a Liar Thomas? Check out Neil's Quote, below, regarding what his UW did with the $850 he gave her to fix 2 teeth

We were in Egypt last month and she told me she had tooth ache, i said when she gets home ask the dentist what it will cost and i will send her the money, When she arrived home she didnt mention it for a week then told me she was in great pain. I asked her how much EXTRA money i needed to send to fix her teeth "2" i was told. SHe didnt know and could only tell me any figure until after they had finished the treatment, "Thats the way things are done in Ukraine" So   next day a guessed $500 would be well enough. so she started her treatment and later told me it would come to about $850 total. Turns out she opted for a full Hollywood makeover on her teeth and not just filling the 2 bad ones.

As I stated at the end of my previous Post, below..... 

From what You've written only, my advice...

I base my feelings, and yes they are only My Feelings, on what Neil has written. Of course there are two sides to every story.........

[jakeob]

Thomas, I have i have told her what i earn, shown her photos of the house the car ect, i told her from the start i am not rich ect. Told her i have to be a little careful with money, because, the wedding ,so many trips abroad,holidays. lawyers,weekly support, recent new house ect,ect. I have also said that business in the uk is a little slow this year.
But on the flip side she has seen my bank statements, "for the visa interview" she must have seen i have quite a bit of money in my personal and business accounts,

I have never been what you would call "flash" with money, never tried to look rich to impress her or anything that stupid, if anything i would always play down wealth, to at least maybe impress her when she arrived
neil

[LiveFromUkraine]

Thomas, I have i have told her what i earn, shown her photos of the house the car ect, i told her from the start i am not rich ect. Told her i have to be a little careful with money, because, the wedding ,so many trips abroad,holidays. lawyers,weekly support, recent new house ect,ect. I have also said that business in the uk is a little slow this year.
But on the flip side she has seen my bank statements, "for the visa interview" she must have seen i have quite a bit of money in my personal and business accounts,

I have never been what you would call "flash" with money, never tried to look rich to impress her or anything that stupid, if anything i would always play down wealth, to at least maybe impress her when she arrived
neil

That is great you had that conversation Neil.  It may be time to have a budgeting conversation and break down all your expenses so she can understand better where all your money needs to go.  She may not realize how many payments you are making.  I am sure you are aware that they don't live the same as we do with all of our monthly payments. 

I would relax and just plan on talking to her.  If there still seems to be trust issues than you may want to postpone the k3 until you two can figure this out.  This really may not be as bad as you think.  It sounds like it can be her expectations are not realistic.  Maybe from seeing some of your bank statements. 


This is tough process since most people are not able to spend as much time that I have been able to with Sveta.  I wouldn't jump to a divorce like some have said until you are absolutely sure or the trust issues just won't go away.


Time will tell so be patient.


Good luck,



Thomas

[wxman]

Dan

What if the "Man" suddenly becomes aware hes acted like a "FREEKIN IDIOT"  and married a scammer who he didnt know . Who is scamming him on a weekly basis

Can this "Man" not then set some boundries to his support?? Or try to save himself?


neil ,,,,no offence taken

If the "MAN" truly feels that the marriage is a sham, then divorce her. Cold and simple as it's already over, or in reality, never started. It is only a marriage on paper. It's 2 dimensional with no substance. The trust is completely gone and the marriage can not be saved. Taps please. 

That's IF you truly believe the marriage is a sham.

[jakeob]

Thanks for all the help, We have talked for an hour on the phone tonight and everything is fine, they finally fitted the new teeth today and she very happy   I am going out there Monday with a positive attitude and hopefully this was just another misunderstanding

Thanks again to the forum members for all the help

neil

[wxman]

neil,

I'm happy to hear your fears were alleviated.    It's hard being apart. I wish you two the best! 

[BillyB]

Dan

I am a little shocked under the circumstances that your input is this, i am here wondering and debating with people if i am being scammed,, or i am a total fool or even a bad man, to me this all quite serious stuff.

And your answer is simply "Be a man"  "Shes your wife" "Give anything she needs" Have you not read the previous posts and the things i have raised, sound like something of the Waltons

neil

Neil, real trust is missing from your relationship. IF she earned your trust before you're married, then Dan is right because you should support your wife and she should be a responsible enough wife to not need more than you both can afford. But you are missing that trust or you gave it to her without her earning it and you married her anyway. When I get married to my fiancee, I'm confident I can hand over my checkbook, give her a bank debit card and put her name on all my credit cards and she will spend wisely and within even less than our budget will allow. Before proposing, I've watched how she spends,  how she lives and how she resisted offers of support from me and I can respect her based on her actions.

Everyone can agree you married too quick and technically she's more of a stranger than a wife at the moment. You need to talk to her about living within means otherwise you'll both sink together into debt and then the familly goes down too possibly in a nasty and expensive divorce. You didn't help the situation when you told her to quit her job and you'll send her $200 a week. That was not her doing and now you're not happy doing it. It'll probably cost you than much a week to support her when she arrives to the UK anyway so re-think if you can afford that.

Although you say it's possibly a misunderstanding, she needs to know that without responsible spending habits, people in the UK can fall into debt quickly and their marriage will fall apart. You two need to talk about a plan for the future and follow it. Hopefully she will be a team player and your marriage is saved.