Two Weeks After Arrival

[jb]

Clyde,

My points to you are not about "tough love".  Whether you get "easy" love or not is of no concern of mine.   I have told you repeatedly over the past couple of years that marrying a foreign national was difficult and expensive.  For your benefit alone, I have started several threads concerning the costs involved. How much it costs to bring a woman and child over.  How much you should expect to spend the first month, etc., (I even made a point of talking about the new bed), and what to expect during the acclimation process.  I have also posted, and have been attacked for stating that a man should make above a certain minimum income before he decides to seek a bride for the FSU.  What you have posted here in the past 3 weeks is vindication of all those threads.  The problem is that low income earners don't want to hear the truth when I say they can't afford the beautiful, 20+ years younger, chickiebabe they are droolling over in the MOB catalog..

And now you are posting the same things back to the board like it is somehow all new information.  Gemmie a break.

[Ste]

It's probably been said a million times before but even in local relationships 'getting the girl' is the easy part. You certainly can't sit back, relax and say to yourself 'There, I've done it...'

Factor in cultural differences, language deficiences and perceptions about incomes things get infinately harder.

Sure some relationships just flow along without any effort but most require constant work, personal insight and empathy.

Unless u wanna be another marriage statistic....

New life, new routines!!

Ste

[Son of Clyde]

Jb, I have learned to take your posts with a grain of salt.

My income of 62k is by no means a shabby amount. It is well above average.

I can give them all they want in due time.

It is my fault I did not purchase a house when others were advising me to do so, that it was a buyer's market. That is my fault. You can't expect most guys to be able to afford everything at one time.

My gal is not a glamour queen but she is very beautiful. She is not a chickiebabe as you insinuated but she wants what every woman wants.

Jb, apparently you never need another person's advice or admit you have made any mistakes.

I still think you are exactly like my step father even if you are not as old as him.

 

[jb]

Clyde,

Not that I owe you an explaination, but I took early retirement a year ago.  I do consulting work about 2 or 3 days out of 10, and that's all I want to work, and the weather is too hot to go fishing everyday right now.  

At my insistance, my wife has started her own career as a teacher here in the local school system, there will come a time when I won't be around to provide everything for her.  (I came to grips with my own mortality many years ago).  In any case, she will need the benefits to cover her own health care in the future.  And I'm not opposed to having an extra 45K added to the family income, so it works out pretty well.

[PeeWee]

Clyde, is a success story for the moment. He has made it further into this process than most of the readers of these posts will. He was smart enough to get this far without a lot of help from others and while he may not make it to the 20 year mark in marriage, few do, he has done it.

I don't think that any one of these sentences are true.  It is far too early to consider Clyde a success story.  There are a lot of married posters here.  (We hit the 6 year mark last weekend)  Clyde has had a lot of help from others.  I don't think Clyde was ever married.

KenC[/size]
[/quote]
Ken, success meaning a success thus far. Perhaps Clyde has had a lot of help from others but can he not have credit for doing something on his own. I have not always been impressed with the thoughts that come from your keyboard Ken. I would not hang my hat on your advice because I need to do if for myselfl. I would not even considter you a sucess, Ken. I can't see where your situation has been a stellar example of what we all need to be doing because we all need to do it a different way in order to achieve the results that will be unique to our own goals.

PeeWee

[RacerX]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

Jb if you are in such a happy marriage why are you not with your wife? Why do you spend endless time on the board?

Ouch!!

However, for interest, did the members in the past reach any consensus as to the amount of money it would take to execute one of these "international relationships?"  My analysis gives about $80K/year as the minimum, with corresponding offsets if one has substantial savings to burn.  Obviously if you put the wife to work, her salary could be used in meeting the financial requirements, but it's not something that should be counted on, at least for the first few years.

I think most guys badly underestimate the financial resources necessary to be a 'jet-setter' (trips to/from the FSU, a 90-day wedding, wardrobe, new furnishings - the list goes on and on.)  Yeah, you can do it for less, but the guys making $100+K are not sweating out the details.

[PeeWee]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

Jb, I have learned to take your posts with a grain of salt.

My income of 62k is by no means a shabby amount. It is well above average.

I can give them all they want in due time.

It is my fault I did not purchase a house when others were advising me to do so, that it was a buyer's market. That is my fault. You can't expect most guys to be able to afford everything at one time.

My gal is not a glamour queen but she is very beautiful. She is not a chickiebabe as you insinuated but she wants what every woman wants.

Jb, apparently you never need another person's advice or admit you have made any mistakes.

I still think you are exactly like my step father even if you are not as old as him.

 

Clyde, I think that we will all make it on what we have learned to budget for. Your now addition, as you know, will require new budgeting. It seems at the moment that the budget is out of control unless you had allowed for some flex money to make this transition.

Regarding the $800.00 dollar sheets. I told my lady about that today. She asked why so much for sheets. Her opinion that sheets are cheap when they get dirty youthrow them away and get new ones. Her approach seems, in the long run, more costly. I am not sure if she plans on not washing sheets at all or if she means that you might wash them a few times and then get the new ones. What is interesting is that had I not asked her this question of your situation I may not have discovered until she moved in that new sheets were required each week.

PeeWee

[jb]

RacerX,

I'd say you are very close to the mark.  

During my working career I made a little more than that, and I'm now retired on a bit less, (actually a lot less, 20K less), but the home fires are covered and there are no payments to make on cars, furniture, appliances, credit cards, etc.  With the teacher's salary the wife brings home, we are actually better off than I was as a single guy.

There cannot be too much stress put on financial stability, as has been noted, the greatest threat to a marriage is money problems.  If a guy covers his asset to debt ratio correctly and has a few bucks in the bank, he shouldn't have money worries bugging him if he's in the 65K+ earnings bracket.  It's the 40K per year guy who hasn't bought a home, still makes car payments, and charges up the kazoo on three or four credit cards that is in serious trouble.

[Son of Clyde]

JB, I apologize for that insensitive remark. I know you mean well which is why I respect you even if you sometimes piss me off.

[jb]

Clyde,

I actually understand the stress you are under. It's tough.

Can you imaging the stress I was under when my company told me I was going to Russia the first time.  (and, oh, by the way, we have enrolled you in a six months Russian language course).  I was stressed beyond words.

[Son of Clyde]

PeeWee, 3 goosedown pillows, 2 goosedown comforters, 2 covers for the comforters, 2 complete sets of sheets. I have an account at an upscale store and many of these items were marked down 30%. She could not deal with the 96 degree heat and high humidity with 40% cotton 60% polyester bedclothes.

I really want to make this work because she is an extremely good woman who gets very moody at times. Any woman would in a new country. Her whole world was overturned when she came here and her major complaint is that the landlord has done little to repair the parts of the house that are not my responsibility. And the house is very old.

[Bruno]

I think most guys badly underestimate the financial resources necessary to be a 'jet-setter' (trips to/from the FSU, a 90-day wedding, wardrobe, new furnishings - the list goes on and on.) Yeah, you can do it for less, but the guys making $100+K are not sweating out the details.

We read here the problem from Clyde... but several people earn more low that Clyde and have not so much financial problem...

Do you remember timothy, the carpenter... all seem right for him now... and he have not so much money that Clyde...

But he have his own house... he can use his hand and is buzy build himself some extension to the house... several people from medium income have no problem with money... i have so income and i am able to spare around 40% of it each month... so, someone more in my life don't allow me to spare so much but it will be enough for live together...

Maybe it is need to see how Clyde was living before... if he was using all his money each month, i understand the problem he have now...

Same localy, you have couple who life correctly with fewer money that Clyde earn... Russian or not change nothing... yes, some expense are needed in the begin due to the change of country but after, the situation is not very different that with a local woman...

 

[Bruce]

We've gone through this time and again, but it is all region specific.  A dollar goes alot further in different parts of the country.  Housing is usually the biggest difference.  One way or another, a guy either has to have alot of things payed off etc. or have alot of disposable income to make it work.

[Photo Guy]

It's my understanding that the first few weeks of her arrival are one of the toughest time periods for the international couple. Right? I applaud Clyde for making his life an open book and his relationship a dart board for some. Cut him some slack. Some of us can possibly learn from him.

From what I've read, it looks like most of the problems are the result of attitudes and maybe a lack of communication. I don't think their problems are financial. I agree with Bruno on that. I'm looking closely at Clyde's remarks about finances. I'm in the 'modest income' group here and maintaining a good credit rating is an important goal, in my opinion. (In the 80's, I lost my job and plunged into debt. I learned a lesson and recovered in the early 90's)

It sounds like the Clyde family's new apartment is far from perfect. So? That's life. I think the attitude should be to be happy with what you have, while making plans to improve your life. How bad can it be there?

Where is the 'romance'?

Sometimes you have to rule with a firm hand in a velvet glove. Gently console her, tell her she is the meaning in your life, and that material improvements will be gradual, rather than instant. Talk to her about the importance of spending breakfast time with her, before you go out the door to work. She can take a nap when you leave. You BOTH should have a positive attitude that can smooth things over, in my opinion. If this does not apply to you, ...nevermind.

[jb]

PhotoGuy,

Your day of judgement is coming, please remember all the "high five atta boys" you were giving Clyde as you are going through the same financial misery.

At least I told him the truth.

[Son of Clyde]

If I were living in Elkins, WV I would probably be considered a rich man.

Living in Baltimore (I have seen 2 million doller homes here) is much like living in DC or Northern Virginia. Certain areas in Baltimore command big bucks and other areas look like things haven't changed since 1965. I don't think a newly arriving RW wants to take a step back in time.

[Photo Guy]

jb,
What 'high-five atta-boys' are you referring to? I just told him he needs to work on communication, rule with a firm gentle hand, and work on attitude adjustments!!!!!!  :?

And didn't you hear my ideas about budgeting?  Huh?

[KenC]

Photo,

You wrote:

It's my understanding that the first few weeks of her arrival are one of the toughest time periods for the international couple. Right?

That wasn't the case when Lena arrived.  There was a period of euphoria time where nothing bothered either one of us.  The only thing I remember that was the least bit negative, was Lena telling me and my son that even though we thought our apartment was clean, it wasn't to her standards.  She then promptly cleaned it up to snuff.  Of course my apartment was fully furnished with linens and everything!

Just a side note to the linen thing.  About a month ago, Lena came across some bizzilion thread count sheets and called to ask me if she could purchase them.  We "splurged" in the amount of maybe $300.  They were at Marshall's where they regularly have high end items at close out prices.  She is keeping an eye out for another set for our guest room, but no luck yet.  My point is that such things were not even a consideration in the first few months and of little importance to her until after 6 years together. 

I find the financial decisions that Clyde is making curious at best.  Buying luxurious sheets and not having a washer and a dryer is a bit ass backward in my mind.  The amount Clyde spent on sheets could almost cover a new computer and a bike!   This is not a criticism, just an observation.

You are correct in bringing up the communication thing and romance too.  But how well can one communicate with someone that has little English skills?  I find it also curious that Clyde posts nothing about the romantic side of things either.  Not details, mind you, but a mention of a romantic dinner or such would be encouraging.  It almost sounds as if they are an old married couple with no zest for life together.  Going back again, to when Lena arrived, we were so in love, we didn't have time to notice the thread count of the sheets, or if there were any sheets at all!:cool:

KenC

[Son of Clyde]

I have access to a washer and dryer but when we move they will not travel with us. They are for the use of both tenants in the apartment building.

Her idea is to have these things for when we find a house. Same with bedroom furniture and a treadmill. There is little space for these things at the moment. Her mentioning the linens lasting 30 years will mean they will move to the new place.

I think there are some programs in Baltimore for first time home buyers. I will have to save for a downpayment and pursuade her we will have to purchase the other items later. In a few weeks she will hopefully have a job.

[Photo Guy]

KenC,
Austin Powers says. 'Oh behave!'
and yes, cash for English skills should be a priority, in my opinion.

Clyde, I sincerely hope there is a lot of romance at this stage of your relationship. It's something positive for you both to focus on.

[Photo Guy]

Voyageur,
How are things going?

[Bruno]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

I have access to a washer and dryer but when we move they will not travel with us. They are for the use of both tenants in the apartment building.

Her idea is to have these things for when we find a house. Same with bedroom furniture and a treadmill. There is little space for these things at the moment. Her mentioning the linens lasting 30 years will mean they will move to the new place.

I think there are some programs in Baltimore for first time home buyers. I will have to save for a downpayment and pursuade her we will have to purchase the other items later. In a few weeks she will hopefully have a job.

So, several of her "ask" are only plan for long term... not really a problem... now, the bed can be very interesting since she sleep a lot and that you have explain that she is tall... maybe a longer bed can allow her to sleep better and not so long...

A job in a few week !!! Whowww, it is very fast... and it certainly show that she is not with you for only "pump" your money...

Clyde, calm down yourself... really, your situation is almost normal... you need to worry only if all this don't change with time...

About washer and dryer, i have only buy it when we have go live in the last appartment... previously, we have always use cleaning salon... one time week, one machine for color, a other for white and one for delicate clothes... all in the same time... fast, easy and not expensive...

Something that she have not already ask but this will coming... a sewing machine and maybe a overlock machine... few man who live alone have so machine and women need them for repair clothes, correct the lenght of pant, adjust clothes when you loose some kilo, ... and if you are the professional of micro-wave, maybe she will need some new material for kitchen too

Yep, the list can be long... it is only the beginning... but don't worry, if all is right, you have all the lfe for buy all she need or wish... a little each month...

[corp]

Perhaps it would be more helpful and practical to suggest how much a man should be prepaired to spend *above* what he is currently living on if he brings an FSU woman across the water.

JB, I am sure you know men the make 100k a year and spend 101k a year.
This type man might be less able to pull it off than someone else making half of his income.
This is why I think quoting income brackets can be misleading.

I am in the  medium income braclet but have only my house payments and utilities to pay each month. This totals maybe 1400$ a month.
I will have to brace myself for a big change in the flow of money if I bring a woman and maybe child over here.
I don't even see where I NEED her to work, but that might all change when the cold water of reality hits me.

Due to Clydes experience, I will have very detailed conversations about the mundain topics of sheets and pillow quality.

I have "hear tell of" guys that actually live cheaper because the new woman is much more thrifty then they ever were. I have also seen pictures of guys with the new woman in front of the mobile home.
Is their failure rate any higher...... I don't know?

I am inclined to believe it has a lot ot do with the ladies expectations.

Maybe a big mistake a guy can make is to assume a woman that works 50 hours a week, lives in cramped quarters with her parents and child will be happy with almost anything and evidently in some( if not many) cases this is not true.

I have not followed Clyds relationship that close, but I am a bit startled at her desire for such high priced, non essential items, I would be interested in
hearing from clyde, how he miss judged her in this regard so much. (Evidently he is a little shocked too). Had they talked about what his apartment looked like? Was anything said to lead her to believe new furnature would be bought right away.....ECT

Clyde I only ask this question to learn from you and not to try to find fault.
Your experience has already been helpful and I thank you for sharing as much as you have.

[KenC]

Corp,

There was a fellow on the other board that sent his Ukrainian fiancee $1K per month.  She took her sweet ol time getting her papers together to come to America.  She had a very nice life in Ukraine on his money.  Once she and her teenage daughter arrived, she wouldn't even stay in her fiancee's house because it was so below her new(?) standards!  Needless to say, she stayed at a motel until the next flight back to Ukraine!!

I don't know what people talk about, but we knew each other very well when my wife arrived.

KenC

[anono]

any idiot who is willing to send a lady in ukraine $1k a month is going to get exactly what he deserves.