Wife split!

[ScottinCrimea]

Disagree 100%.  The human species is hardwired for sex, and all evidence shows we are not monogamous.

I don't think anyone said the species is hardwired for monogamy.  If we say we are only hardwired for sex, it's much easier just to take matters into your own hands.  I think there is a need for companionship as well, noting the many couples who marry but that, for various reasons, physical andotherwise, don't have the option of sex within their marriage.

[William3rd]

Very often we can see on this board such advice given by experienced members, who are married and who are not, as a guy in his RW pursuing should be cautious and should not fall in love with pictures, should spend more time with her and visit her in her own country to know her, her family and friends and her life style better and so on.

Maxx and other guys posting their sad story, give a bright example of the consequences, what can happen if you ignore such advice and so called by members on this board red flags at the beginning of a relationship. Misinterpretations and wrong impressions occur when some members can not simply draw a parallel between advice and sad story, most likely because of their naivety, or arrogance and ignorance. But misinterpretations and wrong impressions can also occur for purpose when some members recognize their own personality (usually in that "red flags") in such stories,    and they try to turn an author's sad story against the author, because the recognition of such fact hurts their ego,  and their  primitively sarcastic psychological description with "let it go" is nothing more, but their jabs and bitchiness towards the author.         

Excellent- certainly explains the inexplicable thought patterns contained in postings on this thread. . . . .

[Admin]

Very often we can see on this board such advice given by experienced members, who are married and who are not, as a guy in his RW pursuing should be cautious and should not fall in love with pictures, should spend more time with her and visit her in her own country to know her, her family and friends and her life style better and so on.

Maxx and other guys posting their sad story, give a bright example of the consequences, what can happen if you ignore such advice and so called by members on this board red flags at the beginning of a relationship. Misinterpretations and wrong impressions occur when some members can not simply draw a parallel between advice and sad story, most likely because of their naivety, or arrogance and ignorance. But misinterpretations and wrong impressions can also occur for purpose when some members recognize their own personality (usually in that "red flags") in such stories,    and they try to turn an author's sad story against the author, because the recognition of such fact hurts their ego,  and their  primitively sarcastic psychological description with "let it go" is nothing more, but their jabs and bitchiness towards the author.         

Olga,

I have a couple of thoughts - FWIW:

>>Maxx and other guys posting their sad story, give a bright example of the consequences, what can happen if you ignore such advice and so called by members on this board red flags at the beginning of a relationship.<<

I agree - to a point. You see, I expect that nearly ALL of us - including those who have been in committed relationships for a long time - probably ran across more than one of the staked 'red flags' - we pressed forward anyway (due to ignorance or stubbornness or sheer stupidity - who knows?) - and it somehow has worked out, at least, so far.

Take your own example with Robert. Did you encounter ANY of the 'red flags' you have seen mentioned here at RWD? I'll be surprised if you say 'no'. So if you DID encounter them (and as I wrote, I suspect most of us HAVE), then the question becomes - How did you manage to make the decision to overlook/ignore the flag?

My guess (only a GUESS), is that most of us who did so, are just dumb lucky - or, if you believe in God (as I do), Providence intervened.

>>they try to turn an author's sad story against the author, because the recognition of such fact hurts their ego,  and their  primitively sarcastic psychological description with "let it go" is nothing more, but their jabs and bitchiness towards the author.<<

I agree. Sometimes I see a harsh response to someone who has just bared their soul, and it makes me physically wince. Maybe I am being empathetic to the author, or just thinking about how much MORE productive the exchange might be with some sincere attempt at understanding the author's POV before jumping on them - but alas, we have our fair share of clue-batters who prefer to bash first and empathize later (if ever). We are NEVER going to be a support group offering blanket acceptance of all comers. It just is not in the RWD DNA. However, I will continue to lobby for more civil methods of addressing differences.

Now as to your diagnosis of the REASONS this occurs, I am not sure I agree with your assessment. It *may* be fragile egos at play - or it may be strong opinion borne of a lifetime of training - or it could be other factors as well. We cannot be certain. We *CAN* be certain that sarcastic responses are almost always NOT productive and are largely, if not entirely, disingenuous. Consider this definition of sarcasm as evidence:

sar·casm      (sär'kāz'əm) n. 

   1. A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
   2. A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.
   3. The use of sarcasm. See Synonyms at wit1.


[Late Latin sarcasmus, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein, to bite the lips in rage, from sarx, sark-, flesh.]
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Like I wrote earlier - FWIW

- Dan

[Admin]

Good Lord. Wayne, you could have saved 30 pages of this thread had you explained these things earlier!

Some of the things you describe about your wife make perfect sense if you understand her culture.  Some are just plain weird!

Keeping in mind we are still only hearing one side of the story - still, I wonder if our lady members might respond with their reactions to the described behaviors. I too, felt some of what was described is unusual, at least.

- Dan

[felix8787]

Let me clarify something. 

Wow Wayne,
LOL, you could of posted that in the very begining also. Does she have OCD?

[OlgaH]

Now as to your diagnosis of the REASONS this occurs, I am not sure I agree with your assessment. It *may* be fragile egos at play - or it may be strong opinion borne of a lifetime of training - or it could be other factors as well. We cannot be certain. We *CAN* be certain that sarcastic responses are almost always NOT productive and are largely, if not entirely, disingenuous. Consider this definition of sarcasm as evidence:

Like I wrote earlier - FWIW

- Dan

Dan, yes you can agree or disagree with my as you call it diagnosis of reason. About a strong opinion borne of a lifetime of training I can tell that, for example, a strong opinion of a lifetime of training of a self-absorbed person with his own life morality "live only for yourself and care only of yourself" will be different from a strong opinion borne of a lifetime of training of a person with opposite views on life.  I agree with you about sarcasm, but talking about  Wayne's case I also think that composing of guesses and evidence that are rather based on our own imagination than on given by the author facts is also not so productive and can be just disingenuous.   

[Ulysses]

   The post from Felix about OCD could be on target to some extent.  The last AW I seriously dated was OCD under the surface....A history of sexual abuse as a young child by the "funny" neighbor next door...with other things layered over this long ago incident.  Near the end, I was literally walking through a mine field.   
   So now I go to Ukraine

[Admin]

Dan, yes you can agree or disagree with my as you call it diagnosis of reason. About a strong opinion borne of a lifetime of training I can tell that, for example, a strong opinion of a lifetime of training of a self-absorbed person with his own life morality "live only for yourself and care only of yourself" will be different from a strong opinion borne of a lifetime of training of a person with opposite views on life.  I agree with you about sarcasm, but talking about  Wayne's case I also think that composing of guesses and evidence that are rather based on our own imagination than on given by the author facts is also not so productive and can be just disingenuous.   

Olga,

Once again, it seems if our members would simply follow the tenets of the Guidelines for Civil Discourse (found here -- http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=7223.0), many (most?) of these problems would disappear.

- Dan

[dobradavid]

Wow!  ten new pages since my last post!

Found out in round about fashion from student, wife and daughter went to New York City. 
Letter came addressed to me from school attendence officer.  Daughter missed 6 unexcused days.  Called school.  Daughter last attended school one week ago.
Yes, I am thinking about writing the book.

So legally, where are you? Have you filed for abandonment? Divorce? etc.

[dobradavid]

Wife wanted her name on the title, but because she had no credit history, I could not get the loan with her name on it or on the loan.  The license plates are good until Sep 2009.  It might not get sorted out until the property settlement.  Since we spent more than I earned since the marriage, we are going for spliting the debts.

If you do not have the car...or access tothe car...have you stopped the insurance on the car...and if you do not KNOW (legally) that your wife has the car, have you reported it as stolen?

[dobradavid]

I think the prenup is a false sense of security.  And just for discussion lets turn the pre-nup conversation upside down..

flashback to 1999 and my last GF.  Turned out that my GF was an heiress to a 80 million dollar estate.  I had no idea about this when I got involved with her.  As we got more serious she invited me to her cousins Long Island wedding.  On the plane on the way there she had "the talk" with me about her Grandfather.. the retired Harvard Law grad with an illustrious Manhatten corporate law career and owner of an 80 foot custom built yacht outfitted for long expedition scuba diving..

Usually these kind of stories start out with "once upon a time"...in the military they begin with "this is no shit..." 

[BC]

Keeping in mind we are still only hearing one side of the story - still, I wonder if our lady members might respond with their reactions to the described behaviors. I too, felt some of what was described is unusual, at least.

- Dan

Well borrowed some high heels for this post.. LOL

Some of the behaviours do seem odd, but not really odder than some other women I have met, one who's apartment was all black (German lady).. and I mean everything, couch, tables, plates, even the cat.  Nice lady but not up 'my alley'.

Wayne's wife likes round and bows and sleeping in the fetal position.. Sure any of this was not noticed before?  Deal with plenty of superstitions here.. like not whistling in the house and grabbing a rag for the bread crumbs instead of scooping them into my hand.  When I cook I'll throw salt over my shoulder now and then and even sit down for a minute to reflect before leaving the house (quite useful really.. is the stove off, windows closed kinda things).  IIRC we did have a brief talk about a round bed..

I've found (not only in RU) that women tend to take on a lot of qualities of her family.  I wonder how much time Wayne spent with her family and if any family issues were apparent.

As Gator mentioned above, some if not many of these women have been through some tough times so the prospective husband will need to at least be aware that there may be some rather tough issues that need to be dealt with down the road, even years later.  I'm sure there are some that at least temporarily haven't a clue what might be going on with both 'heads of the union' and basically give up in frustration.

The stress of it all can bring forth the worst in us.  

Here's a list of some of the greatest stress factors.  I've added a few points, but just think about how many stress factors hit us at once:

Death of a close family member or friend - Tough when you are not near, or waiting to be able to travel home.  Even the thought you cannot travel at will can stress.
Unfaithful spouse - 'Nagging' factor for those in fresh relationships
Major financial difficulties - It's an expensive venture with many overextend or underestimate
Loss of employment - she gave up her job, you might even loose yours
Marital separation or divorce - some have not fully recovered before jumping in
Pregnancy - even new children in the house, a hotbed or potential problems
Lawsuit - guessing some of the immigration procedures are just about as stressful
Serious illness in the family hopefully not but sometimes happens, more time off from the job needed
Major personal illness Hopefully not, but even getting sick is stress when she can't drive
Important exam Visa interview
Change in working conditions yepper.. hopefully not your boss docking pay because of personal time off or lagging performance
Moving to another city add another language, culture etc etc

Really thinking about it, a psychologist would probably classify our relationships as a ticking bomb from the get go..

[felix8787]

After wife got the check from the airlines for the missing luggage, she bought a strange, round easy chair.  There is a side story, that I can get to later, about how she wanted everything round.  Actually, I only remember ever seeing a round bed, about 7 feet in diameter once in my life.



Wife could not use the rectangular shaped waste basket. We had to buy a round one.  Wife tied bright red ribbons with fancy bow around the toilet bowl and tank, round waste basket, faucet and even the drain pipes.

Before they came, I had purchased a new dining room set with large rectangular table.  One of first things wife did when she came was to remove the new dining set and exchange it with a very old, round table and 4 chairs with rounded backs that used to be in my parents cottage, years ago. 

When we were looking at cars, I insisted that we get either a 4 wheel drive or all wheel drive vehicle.  Of course, most of these vehicles have a boxy or rectangular appearance.  However, we ended up with a vehicle that has a very rounded shape.

Wife sleeps curled up with her knees up against her chest and arms wrapped around—like a ball shape.

From the more info that Wayne gave out, it just seems like she is obsessed with round things (OCD)

Wife sleeps curled up with her knees up against her chest and arms wrapped around—like a ball shape.

Hm.......

Let me clarify something.  Wife and I did not have sex after the wedding night, as I said before.  Her move to sleeping in another room did not take place on the day after the wedding.  It was more gradual.  Let me explain: 



So, a  few times I would be going to work, and see her sleeping on the round chair.  So, maybe she fell asleep watching TV.  No big deal!






So, she withdrew more gradually from our bedroom.  First, moving some of her clothes out of the dresser and closet.  Although she did leave a few things in the closet. 


OK, arm chair Psychologists!  Sometime in June, wife was excited and told me about “E”.  L had this close friend E who moved to a city that is a 3 hour drive from us.  So, this E, I am told is a Psychic and will help wife with her psychological problems, especially concerning sex. 

You know Wayne, this is what you posted.

No sex since the wedding night.  Wife? moved into seperate bedroom.  Believe this was planned all along. She doesn't clean, cook or do laundry for me.  

Any ideas?  Help!

You start this thread pouring yourself out there to get some help, which most of everyone here including myself have been doing. I am not a psychologist, don't know who is one in this forum, but we all gave you ideas and help that you asked for. And now after 60 pages you want to clarify some details......those details that you decided to post would of netted you better advise that you were looking for.
If she did have problems concerning sex, that would of been a nice piece of info to know before you came here crying wolf and this thread ran it's course with what you posted in the first place.

[Misha]

Really thinking about it, a psychologist would probably classify our relationships as a ticking bomb from the get go..

It does not help when people marry people they barely know. How well did Wayne really know his wife before she arrived? How much face-to-face time did they actually spend together over 4+ years? Not much from what I gather.

[felix8787]

One other thing Wayne:
The way she stepped out on you and how she did it....I still totally don't agree with!

[Doll]

Wayne, you said "she was angry", then "she was angry again". At what?


(God! I was holding a bag of red bows in my hands when I read Wayne's last post- almost dropped it.     I shopped for X-mas today  )

[Doll]

I read it again- can tell Oxana was jealous.

[GoodOlBoy]

I doubt she has OCD. People afflicted with OCD, generally have a high FEAR of contamination or dirt. Wayne has stated "She doesn't clean....House was never so dirty before".

Most people with OCD are compulsive cleaners.

[ScottinCrimea]

I doubt she has OCD. People afflicted with OCD, generally have a high FEAR of contamination or dirt. Wayne has stated "She doesn't clean....House was never so dirty before".

Most people with OCD are compulsive cleaners.

Please read up a little on OCD before offering an opinion.

[GoodOlBoy]

Please read up a little on OCD before offering an opinion.

Symptoms
Obsessive-compulsive disorder symptoms include both obsessions and compulsions. OCD symptoms can be severe and time-consuming. For instance, someone who feels that his or her hands have become contaminated by germs — an obsession — may spend hours washing them each day — a compulsion. The focus on hand washing may be so great that he or she can accomplish little else.

Obsessions
OCD obsessions are repeated, persistent, unwanted ideas, thoughts, images or impulses that you experience involuntarily and that appear to be senseless. These obsessions typically intrude when you're trying to think of or do other things.

Typical OCD obsessions revolve around:

Fear of contamination or dirt
Repeated doubts
Having things orderly and symmetrical
Aggressive or horrific impulses
Sexual images
OCD symptoms involving obsessions may include:

Fear of being contaminated by shaking hands or by touching objects others have touched
Doubts that you've locked the door or turned off the stove
Repeated thoughts that you've hurt someone in a traffic accident
Intense distress when objects aren't orderly, lined up properly or facing the right way
Images of hurting your child
Impulses to shout obscenities in inappropriate situations
Avoidance of situations that can trigger obsessions, such as shaking hands
Replaying pornographic images in your mind
Dermatitis because of frequent hand washing
Skin lesions because of picking at the skin
Hair loss or bald spots because of hair pulling
Compulsions
Compulsions are repetitive behaviors that you feel driven to perform. These repetitive behaviors are meant to prevent or reduce anxiety or distress related to your obsessions. For instance, if you believe you ran over someone in your car, you may return to the scene over and over because you just can't shake your doubts. You may even make up rules or rituals to follow that help control the anxiety you feel when having obsessive thoughts.

Typical compulsions revolve around:

Washing and cleaning
Counting
Checking
Demanding reassurances
Repeating actions over and over
Arranging and making items appear orderly
OCD symptoms involving compulsions may include:

Washing hands until the skin becomes raw
Checking doors repeatedly to make sure they're locked
Checking the stove repeatedly to make sure it's off
Counting in certain patterns

   



SOURCE/ARTICLE TOOLS
  Reprints and permissions By Mayo Clinic Staff
Dec. 21, 2006
 1998-2008 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER).


 

[William3rd]

so she is a pig with OCD? doesnt change anything.

perhaps BPD or unipolar?

[GoodOlBoy]

perhaps BPD or unipolar?

The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive.

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

[Admin]

Please read up a little on OCD before offering an opinion.

Scott,

How about something along the lines of - 'My understanding is a bit different ........." - or whatever. Your retort seemed brusque, at least.

- Dan

[GoodOlBoy]

perhaps BPD or unipolar?

Like its sister disorder (Bipolar Disorder) Unipolar Disorder is characterized by severe and debilitating depressive episodes of Clinical Depression or Major Depression. However, where Bipolar Disorder consists of cycles of manic (high) and depressive (low) symptoms, Unipolar Disorder does not. Patients who suffer from Unipolar Disorder are true to its name in that they only have symptoms at one end of the spectrum (the low end). There is a major distinction between a person who is going through a rough patch and may be unhappy and a patient that is clinically depressed. Depressed people are typically unaffected by happy moments. Their mood does not lift in response to the people and the events that surround them. They often remain apathetic and emotionally unresponsive. Unipolar Depression or Unipolar Disorder is sometimes classified as Clinical Depression or Major Depression. But, whatever the name, patients that suffer from this disorder experience significant disruption in their work, social and family life. They no longer enjoy the things they used to do and may become withdrawn, hopeless and overwhelmed. If severe Unipolar Depression goes untreated, it can result in suicide, lost relationships and lost jobs. A person with Unipolar Disorder may miss work and family events, and lack the motivation to participate in activities they used to find pleasurable.

[William3rd]

there is a hypothetical unipolar but unipolar manic-usually lumped in with bpd. that wouldnt fit with this bunch-has signs of euphoria. . .

Borderline Personality Disorder.