Re: Life Adjustments, Fears, Isolation, and Suggestions to overcome them

[groovlstk]

Considering driving lessons, my husband will teach me when i start driving with an instructor as well,  he does not want me to pick up his bad habits of driving and it would be nice for me to start learning with a proper instructor, so I am saving the money for it

Jazzy, your husband must be a very special guy, as most men would eat glass rather than honestly admit to having any bad driving habits.

[Jazzyclassy]

He is very special indeed

[Daveman]

Life Adjustments, Fears, Isolation, and Suggestions to overcome them

You really  do know how to make it sound sad and miserable )

Sorry, Jazzy, that was not the intention.. the guys were also adding stories about their wives' feelings, etc, so trying to kinda summarize the thread..

Perhaps "The Herioc Plight of Living In The Land of the Elderly" would be better? 

and yeah, I'd certainly rather eat glass than admit to any driving faults.  And would definitely rather eat it covered with molasses and arsenic rather than to admit I am lost OR stop for directions... because regardless of which way the vehicle is pointed, it's the correct direction and the act of continued driving will result in the eventual arrival at the desired destination!

[Tamara]

That is what my ex wrote her best friend in Ukraine her 1st week here
"Its paradise here"

I had the same experience - very easy adjustment with a lot to learn, but I enjoyed it.  My mom just came to the US a couple months ago and even though she is not fluent in English yet, she loves it here.  Maybe not exactly a "paradise", but very calm, peaceful, friendly and clean.

Jazzy, it does sound like you are taking positive steps. Best of luck to you!

[Gator]

She hated Sta Barbara because she thinks it's a village.   I remember telling my wife how nearly every person living in SoCal would die for an opportunity that is staring at us. She didn't care, she couldn't live in a village.

Long story short, I turned down the offer, but today my wife's top choices of cities to move to someday, especially when we get our familia, yep, one of them is SB.

GQ,

From having met you, you impress me as someone who seeks to build a consensus. 

I wonder if it is not more important at times to go ahead and make a decision that is against  a wife's wishes yet is the best choice over the long term for the family, something she could never appreciate given her limited experience. 

That begs the question in your case whether her adjustment would have been as successful in SB vs. LA.  I have no answer as I have faced this dilemma several times in my long life.  Everything is a tradeoff.

[GQBlues]

Actually quite the contrary, Gator. I did weigh our situation fairly heavily and always knew where we needed to be. As an immigrant myself, I also understood deep inside where my wife was coming from when she referred to SB as a village so it easily rolled off my back. We even joke about it now.

"WoW! Sta Barbara is Village!?!" 

My thoughts then, when I first asked my wife to take a chance in life with me, I had an obligation that no matter what happens ~ and whatever it took; my wife's decision to leave her niche and take a chance with me would result in her becoming a well-established, educated, well-grounded individual. Above all, I wanted my wife to reap the opportunity she have today (then). Finishing her education and earning a degree in the best possible learning institution available to us was front and center. Unfortunately, the only two Universities that provide for her graduate degree were both in LA.

The second reason is a vital component in support of the first. I felt her adjustment and pending integration to our system will be better met and handled if she spent her first years in a metropolitan area like Los Angeles, as opposed to a laid-back environment of Sta Barbara. I just thought, based on her personality and progressive nature, she'll benefit much better if she began to meet, understand, and face the challenges of our system living in LA, than the other way around. She not only need to be educated, she needed to be street smart.

We may have a few more dollars today had I decided to take the job then but I may have also taken a huge chunk out of her personal achievement and accomplishment. I knew the latter was far more important to both of us. We're in a better frame of life and mind to live life in a village these days if we so choose to do so.

Just one scenario upon thousands...

[Gator]

GQBlues,

You certainly made the correct decision given her goals and your goals.

[Simoni]

I remember telling my wife how nearly every person living in SoCal would die for an opportunity that is staring at us.

Santa Barbara has a great reputation in Ukraine because of the soap opera!

My wife would love to visit SB!

[gemini]

First of all it is about resiliency. There are two ways:
1-cultural shock-->upset-->cope-->resile-->thrive
2-cultural shock-->upset-->victim

If a person knows how to cope with any disruptive changes in life, she will do just fine in new country.  It depends on her personality and her past experience.

It was thoughtful decision for me. I new I was going miss my parents and friends and I was sure my life was not going to be easy. When you create a new family even in your own country it is serious change itself and not all the couples survives as a family. But if I would make two lists that time: first one of all the advantages and second one of all the disadvantages, the first one was much longer.

Second it is about the high expectations. Some people might think that they move to America and their life magically changes for the best without any efforts from their site.
It doesn’t. Your life in the new family and in new country it is what you are building yourself step by step, brick by brick and it is hard labor.

I am happy in America despite I haven't succeed in my career. I will start a new career it is not a problem. I love Chicago. Also the place where we live they call the village of Oak Park, I can see Downtown from my street. It is our family's joke. My husband suggests telling my friends in Russia I live in a village and milk the cows.  

[Wayne]

Years ago, I was stationed at Oxnard AFB and drove around the coast a lot.  Ventura and Santa Barbara where the places I like most.  I was accepted into grad school at UCSB, but got out of the service and returned to Michigan instead.  I don't know how much things have changed in California, but I would think the Santa Barbara would still be a great place to live.  The campus was right on the coast and one of the most beautiful I ever saw!

[GQBlues]

Simoni, yes, that was part of my wife’s surprise/shock before as she knew of the TV show as well. Apparently it was mildly popular in FSU.

But if someday you took your wife to SB, there are a couple of B&B’s I can recommend. Also, a restaurant off State St. called ‘The Palace’ will be worth a try. While the beaches are great, I’m partial to their hillside communities, so don’t miss that and the wineries around it. (I know Gator would enjoy Sand Piper). If and when you do go, save a few days and drive up the coast towards Cambria/Big Sur/Carmel/Monterey ~ stay at Rugged Point if you can. Lot's of beautiful hiking trails along the rugged coast. It should make for a lovely romantic get-away.

Wayne, the places haven’t changed much except for UCSB. The Uni been undergoing massive addition and renovation for a few years now. It may be a bit more contemporary than you’ll remember. Even Goleta’s hospital will soon undergo a massive renovation; but for the community itself ~ pristine as always.

Well, except for Neverland… 

[gemini]

The soap opera “Santa Barbara” was extremely popular in Russia. I remember one cold morning in Omsk. It was around 40 degrees below zero. I was going to work, there was no heat in the trolleybus and all the windows were frozen. All the people in that trolleybus were discussing the hot topic of the month… the life in Santa Barbara. People were seriously worried about what will happen next with the characters in the soap opera almost as they were their close relatives. Lots of women were in love with Mason, the handsome main character of the story. 

When I had my second son, my obstetrician was very handsome and I told a nurse that he reminded me about a character from Santa Barbara. She passed it along to him and he started smiling and flirting because of my compliment.

We are friends with a couple from Russia, the woman was born in Russia and her husband in Santa Barbara. My husband jokes that she married him only because he is from Santa Barbara

[myrddin]

First of all it is about resiliency. There are two ways:
1-cultural shock-->upset-->cope-->resile-->thrive
2-cultural shock-->upset-->victim

If a person knows how to cope with any disruptive changes in life, she will do just fine in new country.  It depends on her personality and her past experience.

It was thoughtful decision for me. I new I was going miss my parents and friends and I was sure my life was not going to be easy. When you create a new family even in your own country it is serious change itself and not all the couples survives as a family. But if I would make two lists that time: first one of all the advantages and second one of all the disadvantages, the first one was much longer.

Second it is about the high expectations. Some people might think that they move to America and their life magically changes for the best without any efforts from their site.
It doesn’t. Your life in the new family and in new country it is what you are building yourself step by step, brick by brick and it is hard labor.

I am happy in America despite I haven't succeed in my career. I will start a new career it is not a problem. I love Chicago. Also the place where we live they call the village of Oak Park, I can see Downtown from my street. It is our family's joke. My husband suggests telling my friends in Russia I live in a village and milk the cows.  

Wow, gemini, if there were a guidebook for new immigrant adaptation, it should include something like that!  (Probably a lot of non-immigrants need it, too....)

Aside:  My aunt lived in Oak Park for a long time.  When I visited as a kid I thought that WAS Chicago and that it was vastly different from my own, farther out suburb (where 25 years ago you could have milked cows  ).

[Simoni]

Simoni, yes, that was part of my wife’s surprise/shock before as she knew of the TV show as well. Apparently it was m(w)ildly popular in FSU.

But if someday you took your wife to SB, there are a couple of B&B’s I can recommend. Also, a restaurant off State St. called ‘The Palace’ will be worth a try. While the beaches are great, I’m partial to their hillside communities, so don’t miss that and the wineries around it. (I know Gator would enjoy Sand Piper). If and when you do go, save a few days and drive up the coast towards Cambria/Big Sur/Carmel/Monterey ~ stay at Rugged Point if you can. Lot's of beautiful hiking trails along the rugged coast. It should make for a lovely romantic get-away.

Thanks for the tips, GQ.  We hope to do that someday; I'm looking forward to the beaches and the wine :-)

Jazzy-  My wife had a strong case of cultural shock for the first six months, and then it got better.   Part of it was where we lived.  After we moved to a downtown area where she can walk everywhere, the cultural shock pretty much went away.  Oh, and a baby coming also had a lot to do with being happy where we are in life :-)

[Misha]

Jazzy-  My wife had a strong case of cultural shock for the first six months, and then it got better.

Only six months? I envy you 

Part of it was where we lived.  After we moved to a downtown area where she can walk everywhere, the cultural shock pretty much went away.  Oh, and a baby coming also had a lot to do with being happy where we are in life :-)

My wife misses most of all her friends, but enjoys life in our small city. Now, when we go to a larger city, the traffic and the noise and the crowds stress her out 

[Simoni]

Only six months? I envy you 

You missed the adjective, Misha...I wrote "strong" case of culture shock for the first six months...

After that, it was much easier to live with her!  Seriously, I'd say it took two years to settle in here in the US.

[Daveman]

Only six months? I envy you 

My wife misses most of all her friends, but enjoys life in our small city. Now, when we go to a larger city, the traffic and the noise and the crowds stress her out 

Where did you find that one????      I've found a few hippie type FSUW who want to live in the "nature" (to which I am absolutely not opposed, but, nothing else in common), but the vast majority with whom I have ever spoken want to live in a "big" city. I prefer small towns in proximity to "the big city".  So, I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact I'll have to move (and further repress those Big City homicidal tendencies).  Ah, the joys of the quest...

[Misha]

Where did you find that one????    

In a small Russian city. However, I spend a lot of time with my wife doing things that we both find enjoyable such as bike riding, camping, etc...

[Simoni]

...but the vast majority with whom I have ever spoken want to live in a "big" city. I prefer small towns in proximity to "the big city".  So, I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact I'll have to move (and further repress those Big City homicidal tendencies).  Ah, the joys of the quest...

There is a lot to the saying about being mindful of where you fish.  I fished in a city of 1.5 million.  She had lived her entire life 15 blocks from the city center.   Our first year here, we lived in an apartment complex 5 miles from the downtown, and she called it our village and complained a lot.  Now we live downtown in a highrise, and she is much happier. 

But I am seeing signs that the more space you get with a house and the backyard is enticing her.  So in time, maybe we CAN move to the burbs...  But I'm not holding my breath.

[ambach123]

Thanks JC for posting.

I read through this thread very closely.

I have made four trips during the last year, meeting with three women each for about ten days, meeting one of them twice. I broke off the relationship soon after I met with them, two of them accepted it and moved on. One of them, the one that I met with twice, always kept in touch with notes, cards etc.
Last month she sent me a news item that how love and sex can improve your life; in the subject  matter she wrote " If only we were so lucky" and asked if we could meet again. I plan to see her again next month.
She is 32 and wants to have children ASAP; I would like to waite until she gets settled if she gets here. She was never married before. I guess it is a good sign when a woman decides who the father of her children would be.
I am reluctant for many reasons.
 
The difficulties you describe are real ones, I must be congnizant of them. Though if we have children may be she would not be so bored. I live in a city with a train station down the street. But her isolation concerns me, I am not sure if she has considered this. Did you consider that you would feel so isolated in a new country, before coming there? I certainly don't want to be married to an unhappy woman, for whatever reason(s) she is unhappy.
Of course, I have seen so many train wrecks here, that caution is a must for anyone in this pursuit.
I am unable to decide what to do.

[Sculpto]

I am unable to decide what to do.

Do you love her?  If so, you should have a clear path.

[Turboguy]

Cultural shock is a highly individual thing.   I can't say I saw my wife experience it for a second and she came from a city of 800,000 to a villiage of 8500.   There were a few times when she was in the dumps for a day or two missing her mother.   Those were worse right after my MIL returned from a month long visit last year.  As we have seen a lot of women do have difficulty adjusting.   I think if someone is going to worry if he should consider marrying someone because she might be unhappy with the move he either has the wrong woman and isn't really in love or hasn't spent the time to develop the feelings he should have. 

I think we can do a lot to help the situation but in the end it is the woman's happiness with her new life that will make the critical difference.   

[ambach123]

TG, from the get go, I have tried to develop a friendship. We are very comfortable with each other. We can communicate well, and I am counting on the fact that if she came here, our friendship and connection will overcome any challenges.

I am also cognizant of the stats that in about 50% of the K-1, the beneficiary goes back without ever getting married.

[Gator]

Ambach,

It is good that you are taking this endeavor more seriously.  Perhaps some of your antagonists will lighten up while you deliberate the issues.

Regarding her adjustment, no problem if you do this correctly.  You have the money to do exactly that. 

Once you decide to go K-1, jump in with both feet and roll up your sleeves.  Do not be timid.  Do not think about stopping.  Do not contact other women.  And be generous enough to impress her that you will take care of her and the children that you plan to have.

I suggest that you do the following:

1.  While the K-1 petition is incubating, ask her to quit her job.  She will use this time to learn how to drive and get some real experience (in the junk car you buy her).  Also, she can take English lessons a few times per week to enhance her English.  With good English and the GPS-equipped car you will buy her when she arrives, she will not be isolated . 

2.  It sounds as if you live in a large metropolitan area if you have a train station.  I am certain that there is a large social network of RW in her age range (in Tampa there are maybe 300 RW on the list).  You need to get her on your local list so she can start planning.

3.  She will probably object to quitting her job, not knowing the outcome of the K-1 and probably thinking you may back out.  Thus, you should give her enough money as insurance for her to get back onto her feet if this failed.

Be the man!
 

[Gator]

Also, get started with a prenup.  Everything should be signed before she departs the FSU.  You will need to get her an attorney from your state plus another attorney in the FSU.