Is my Russian wife cheating on me or am I overreacting?

[Misha]

Been there, done that.. not only for a weekend but major part of a month.

So she was spending nights, sleeping in your home, drinking, etc...

[SMS60]

Ok, all senerios have been hashed out but the problem is not solved yet.

What should the OP's next step be? How should he solve his delimma?

Grit his teeth and endure the pain?
See a counselor?
Work on his insecurity?
Follow his insticts?

I say start looking for a way out.

[Misha]

What should the OP's next step be?

IMHO: talk to a good lawyer, just in case.

[Vaughn]

Should I lay off my secretary until my wife gets back?

Quite a different situation - no, BC? You and your wife are secure in one another. Or have
you and the secretary tested the waters by arriving home late on a weekend drunk together?
Traveled across state (province) lines by vehicle after a missed bus? Do you message your
secretary "Come over - the wife's going out somewhere - I'll be alone" ? Your relationship is
one of profession, not nearly like the recreational one about which this thread was authored.

BC - I see your point clearly. Others, esp the OP, may not.

Of course this guy's wife should have the right to select her friends. She should also exercise the
wherewithal to nurture her marriage - is her behavior at fault? - or is this fellow overreacting?
My take is that some of both is in play, and that it's time to have a serious sitdown outlining those
activities that are acceptable - and those that are not.

IMHO: talk to a good lawyer, just in case.

How about talk to his wife - and either relieve or confirm his fears?

[BC]

So she was spending nights, sleeping in your home, drinking, etc...

Yepper, we're not big drinkers though.  If etc includes helping keep the house clean, washing, helping with my young son then yepper to that too.

Wasn't even my idea.

Guess I'm doomed too?

[mies]

What would your husband say if you invited over a few male friends to stay over when he is on a trip?

 i always try on the other person's shoes. I know that I will not be happy if my husband will invite women to our house. In fact - it could possibly be a deal breaker. Even though I know that he has female friends, and I am ok with that, as long as single female friends of my husband do not come to our house without male companions.  However, my husband's male friends are staying over in our place quite often. With the same logic I do not invite male friends to our house, but inviting my female friends is ok both for me and my husband. Frankly speaking - I have made female friends just recently - for the sole purpose of being able to invite my friends to my home. Before that - for over a decade I always had only male friends. And they always are strictly friends - no sexual ideas involved whatsoever.

P.S. just carefully thought over a list of female friends of my husband, and decided that some of them can come and stay in our house any time - me being at home or not. Those specific females are cool and fun people but not particularly hot, and as far as i know - are not sexually or matrimonially interested in my husband. So I can trust their intentions and would not object having them in our house. That being said - I know those females for quite a long time, so i was able to form my opinion about them, and about the nature of their friendship with my husband.   those good women do come to our house pretty often, as well as we visit theirs.

P.P.S. a female with male companion can stay in our place any time and i'll be happy about that :-)

[Misha]

Yepper, we're not big drinkers though.  If etc includes helping keep the house clean, washing, helping with my young son then yepper to that too.

Wasn't even my idea.

Guess I'm doomed too?

No, because your secretary became in effect your maid/nanny. However, unless you and your wife are saints, I really doubt your wife would feel comfortable with you inviting your secretary over to socialize with you while she is away  

The simple fact of the matter is that it is always best to avoid temptation and IMHO the appearance of impropriety. The more you blur the lines, the greater the odds that inappropriate lines will be crossed.

This is my metaphor. At the moment, I am losing weight. Have lost 15 kilograms so far in the past month. It has required a lot of will-power. However, I have also made sure to get rid of as many temptations as possible. If I had had big bowls of chips, chocolate and other such food lying around the house all day, I would likely have gained weight instead of losing it  :evil:

The same is true for married life: the greater the opportunities that you have to easily succumb to temptation, the greater the odds that it will happen. So, yes, if you continually invite secretaries to spend time with you while your wife is away, and drink good Italian wine with them (even if you profess to not drinking much), then I would wager that eventually you will cheat on your wife. Maybe not this month, or this year, but eventually the odds are that it will happen. There is a reason why so many people get divorced and infidelity is pretty high up on the reasons why they do.  

[BillyB]

The conversation was innocent. Are we talking of this chat or going out for parties?
I don't think anybody would love it. Me neither.

The chat led to the party. Can't have a party without invitation. The wife went to another State for this party. She was so drunk she wasn't aware of the time and miss her bus ride home. It's a wonder how'd she kept her legs closed with her lack of awareness. Or maybe she was aware of the time to get on the bus but didn't care about coming home on time. I can accept that she doesn't care about her husband but what about her baby?

Thanks for admitting you wouldn't like it. Most people can't ignore what happened and keep a smiley face on in a situation like this.

[GQBlues]

mies, Aloe, Doll, etc...

Lost in all of these assumptions, I would like to ask you ladies the following.

Based on the available information given by the OP, it seems as though his wife had very little chance to better acclimate herself to her new world, new life, and new experiences in a new country before becoming a mother. It would be safe to say then, there were other relatively more important things she needed to attend to despite herself during her first year here.

Is longing for a temporary refuge too much to expect from someone like her ~ all things considered?

Before I got married, probably more than half of my friends were females. A few of them got married and eventually had their children. I remember there will be a time when their hubbies would offer to take care of their kid/s so they can go and enjoy time doing what they feel like doing. Is this true for immigrating FSUW's as well?

Being in a new country, void of your usual support company you normally have at home, what is your next logical longing?

[Ade]

The simple fact of the matter is that it is always best to avoid temptation and IMHO the appearance of impropriety. The more you blur the lines, the greater the odds that inappropriate lines will be crossed.

Maybe I understand you now... You are saying that given enough "temptation" everyone will eventually succumb. But here's something for you to think about; not everyone will. I know I won't and I never have. I know others, both men and women that haven't too. So this is where we differ; you assume that everyone will cheat and I assume that at least some won't.

[Misha]

So this is where we differ; you assume that everyone will cheat and I assume that at least some won't.

Yes, some men and women may be saints, but the rest of us are mere mortals  Even with the saints, the continued appearance of impropriety will take its toll in one way or another (notably gossip).

[Vaughn]

Maybe I understand you now... You are saying that given enough "temptation" everyone will eventually succumb.

SJ, read him again. He wrote, "the greater the odds...."   Never wrote "everyone."

Some folks will never succumb, like you and me. Still, our wives, fully knowing and believing that, probably
wouldn't be too thrilled about us coming home drunk on the arm of another dyevushka - am I right? The
actual "cheating" isn't going to happen - but are we serving our marriages well by coloring our routine with
a heavy shade of doubt?

[GoodOlBoy]

Well GOB why wait? Suggest the OP file a divorce NOW.....

Better yet GOB suggests we go to the barn and get out the old trusty "A" branding iron (scarlet letter) and start up the fire!  :evil:

You see, back in the GoodOl' Day's, a man could "identify" an adulteress rather easily. 

It is a little more difficult today.

Seriously though, I had a friend several years ago who was deployed overseas.

He came back after his first tour from Iraq, to his "loving" wife and family.

His dear, sweet (now ex) wife wound up giving him an incurable disease that he still has today (herpes) and will probably have for the rest of his life.

And that is NO joke, my RWD friends.

OP....If nothing more but for the sake of your child, I would suggest that you be VERY careful with your wife.

All joking aside, you may be treading in some very deep water here.


GOB

[BillyB]

I know I won't and I never have.

I believe you SJ but load you up with some mentally impairing alcohol and drugs and you will be a different person.

It's not about being controlling or jealous of the wife's friends, it's about protecting your family and if any family member, wife or kids, puts themself in a vulnerable position, you, as the man of the house, need to prevent that from ever happening again.

Why couldn't the wife ask her husband to come along, meet the friends and they could hire a babysitter?  The OP is probably worried because he was never asked to meet the friends and seeing her male friends take her home drunk doesn't give him comfort she's socializing with the finest people in town.

[BC]

No, because your secretary became in effect your maid/nanny. However, unless you and your wife are saints, I really doubt your wife would feel comfortable with you inviting your secretary over to socialize with you while she is away  

The simple fact of the matter is that it is always best to avoid temptation and IMHO the appearance of impropriety. The more you blur the lines, the greater the odds that inappropriate lines will be crossed.

This is my metaphor. At the moment, I am losing weight. Have lost 15 kilograms so far in the past month. It has required a lot of will-power. However, I have also made sure to get rid of as many temptations as possible. If I had had big bowls of chips, chocolate and other such food lying around the house all day, I would likely have gained weight instead of losing it  :evil:

The same is true for married life: the greater the opportunities that you have to easily succumb to temptation, the greater the odds that it will happen. So, yes, if you continually invite secretaries to spend time with you while your wife is away, and drink good Italian wine with them (even if you profess to not drinking much), then I would wager that eventually you will cheat on your wife. Maybe not this month, or this year, but eventually the odds are that it will happen. There is a reason why so many people get divorced and infidelity is pretty high up on the reasons why they do.  

Misha,

I work at home so there is no inviting.  We often eat lunch together, or if it's a busy day early evening.

We do though exercise choice and choose not to go in that direction even if it might seem appealing.

I serve this experience not to prove or disprove any of what's happening to the OP, but simply an example that from the outside things may be much different than in the minds of the observer (sometimes very dirty little places).  IMHO this board is often fettered with contempt prior to investigation, especially when it comes to anything related to sex.  Maybe my impression is due to geographic distribution of posting members.. maybe call it moral borders.

Again grey, undefined area..  If really want to screw around I will find a way regardless if in-house, overnight or multitude of other opportune places.  Boris Becker found a closet at a restaurant for half hour and look what it got him.

It's not about temptation.. alcoholics drink because they can't stop, workaholics because they can't stop, add any number of addictions (yes food is one also) to the list.  All because they have difficulty making a correct choice.  Temptation is a symptom of imbalance or deeper issues and not the cause.

I enjoy sex, but am not hooked on it.  My power of choice exceeds that of temptation, resulting in nothing to avoid, thereby opening doors instead of closing them.  Avoid appearance of impropriety?  I and my wife really don't care what others may think.. let them play around with dirty thoughts turning at night, their problem not ours.

When I or my wife leave for trips, she'll just tell me 'be a good boy' and I respond 'I will' and nothing more needs to be said or thought.

'Freedom of choice' often works better than prohibition.

[GoodOlBoy]

Wheres Sculpto??

Im waiting to see the ultra liberal view....

Probably off "fire dancing/twirling".  

But it's OK, we have GQ standing in for Sculpto today.  


GOB

[Ade]

Yes, some men and women may be saints, but the rest of us are mere mortals  Even with the saints, the continued appearance of impropriety will take its toll in one way or another (notably gossip).

It has nothing to do with being a saint, it's about making a choice and sticking with it. In my world it's not a difficult thing to do but maybe in yours, you are less committed? How do you say it? ah yes, ":evil:"

[BillyB]

I work at home so there is no inviting.  We often eat lunch together, or if it's a busy day early evening.

My mom is married to my step father and my real father routinely comes over to visit and talk with both my mom and my step father. My step father and my father are friends and not jealous or suspicious of each other.

 hiiii98 is not friends with the wife's male friends and the longer she refuses to introduce them, the more he'll get suspicious. The wife is failing to be open about her friendships and earning her husband's trust. She has more trust issues than her husband.

[Ade]

SJ, read him again. He wrote, "the greater the odds...."   Never wrote "everyone."

Some folks will never succumb, like you and me. Still, our wives, fully knowing and believing that, probably
wouldn't be too thrilled about us coming home drunk on the arm of another dyevushka - am I right? The
actual "cheating" isn't going to happen - but are we serving our marriages well by coloring our routine with
a heavy shade of doubt?

Actually I really think he believes everyone would given enough time and temptation.

And yes, you're right, I'm sure my wife would be really pissed if I came home drunk and in the arms of some woman (not that I ever drink enough to get drunk) but we're talking about the OP's wife and she didn't come home in anyone's arms.

I've said it several times that this woman didn't do her marriage any favours but there's an assumption by most that she's cheated and there's absolutely no evidence of that. Just a bunch of guys ignoring native speakers and interpreting what they want into a one-sided out of context broken conversation and extrapolating all sorts of things into a party she went to.

[groovlstk]

Why couldn't the wife ask her husband to come along, meet the friends and they could hire a babysitter?  The OP is probably worried because he was never asked to meet the friends and seeing her male friends take her home drunk doesn't give him comfort she's socializing with the finest people in town.

To answer your question, the OP wrote this recently:

I was ok with her leaving  over the weekend because i take alot of trips aroudnd the country  for business and since she cannot legally travel on a airplane yet i felt bad for her being home  and wanted her to have fun.  Plus honestly its overbearing sometimes being around her 24/7 and was looking for some down time myself.

This entire thread has become very confusing. There is little agreement over the precise meaning of his wife's chat with her friend. His original worry was that she was cheating on him but that has become a full-blown debate on whether it's OK for one's wife to go out with friends or whether it's OK to have male friends and if so is it OK for her to get drunk w/them...? There's some really good stuff in this thread but there are so many tangents it will likely sink to the bottom of the lake in a few days when this thread is exhausted.

[GoodOlBoy]

......but we're talking about the OP's wife and she didn't come home in anyone's arms.

Your right SJ, Vaughn stands corrected.

Vaughn.....The "sleazy" RM dumped the OP's wife off Sunday night, in the front yard of their place drunk and then hauled ass! :evil:


GOB

[Doll]

Before I got married, probably more than half of my friends were females. A few of them got married and eventually had their children. I remember there will be a time when their hubbies would offer to take care of their kid/s so they can go and enjoy time doing what they feel like doing. Is this true for immigrating FSUW's as well?

It is

Being in a new country, void of your usual support company you normally have at home, what is your next logical longing?

Being able to get away from home- shopping, working, meeting people, going back to Russia to see my family. Also, having my husband home but not on trips.
A car, money, free time

[BC]

Quite a different situation - no, BC? You and your wife are secure in one another. Or have
you and the secretary tested the waters by arriving home late on a weekend drunk together?
Traveled across state (province) lines by vehicle after a missed bus? Do you message your
secretary "Come over - the wife's going out somewhere - I'll be alone" ? Your relationship is
one of profession, not nearly like the recreational one about which this thread was authored.

BC - I see your point clearly. Others, esp the OP, may not.

If by secure, you mean we rather blindly trust each other then yes. In the end it's necessary for our relationship.  We have much better things to do and larger challenges to face than to cloud our marriage with doubt and jealousy (which may be another factor the OP should consider, whether his problem or her derivatives).  

We have had plenty of off work good, sometimes wild times, after all she was a friend of ours long before the work opportunity opened up.  I won't delve more because this thread is not about me.

Yes Vaughn, for some thinking hurts.

[Faux Pas]

To answer your question, the OP wrote this recently:
This entire thread has become very confusing. There is little agreement over the precise meaning of his wife's chat with her friend. His original worry was that she was cheating on him but that has become a full-blown debate on whether it's OK for one's wife to go out with friends or whether it's OK to have male friends and if so is it OK for her to get drunk w/them...? There's some really good stuff in this thread but there are so many tangents it will likely sink to the bottom of the lake in a few days when this thread is exhausted.

Thats probably where it belongs. It's gone in so many different directions I'm already disagreeing with a post I haven't written yet 

[groovlstk]

Thats probably where it belongs. It's gone in so many different directions I'm already disagreeing with a post I haven't written yet 

Touche, FP

There are some good things for those new to the pursuit to consider, here. For instance, we have a friend, an FSU women who is married to an American guy for 5 years and wants out. She can't stand being around him, so much so that we sometimes have to tell her to leave when she visits on weeknights because she doesn't want to go home to him.

Now, if her husband came to RWD with suspicions, he'd be lectured about the importance of TRUST in a relationship. Others would disagree and tell him to give her a curfew or forbid her from staying out late without him. Still others would disagree and say they needed to have a long talk and resolve their issues together.

FWIW, all three approaches - regardless of how far apart they are as recommended solutions to saving his marriage - would fail spectacularly because the marriage is already over.