Who comes first: Spouse or children

[groovlstk]

And thank you for bringing up expenses. I did not want to, for fear that others may think that I am just trying to save money. But all this flying around can be expensive and those dollars can be used for a better purpose.

You're absolutely right and the price of flying her son here vs. flying her there and back + her son will easily double or triple the cost. Maybe you can set him up with an unlocked mobile phone and some simcards so he can phone mom to ease her worry during each leg of his journey to the US.

The sooner he learns English the better, and hopefully you can keep him away from Brighton (a place to visit, but not a place to live or work) until he feels comfortable here.

[Phil dAmore]

I presume that her daughter was already a grown woman.

Grown, married and with a child of her own.

Rarely have I known an FSU woman to place anyone -even themselves- above their children.

They make good mothers.  That's one of the reasons why we love them, right?

Be careful what you wish for...

[Misha]

They make good mothers.  That's why we love them, right?

Well, some are more obsessive and stifling than others. My MIL is real cool (one of the reasons why I am with my wife) but her sister (wife's aunt) has stifled and suffocated her daughter. The aunt has not allowed her daughter to do anything and this is true to this day (and my wife's cousin is 30 years old). It is sad. This cousin has never been married, and will likely never be married as her mother controls everything she does to this day. I avoided such a MIL and made sure that my wife did not have the personality to lead to this in the future.

[tfcrew]

For  instance, lets just start with some simple events.  The husband wants to go on vacation to X place and the previously existing child of FSUW wants to go to Y place.  No compromise can be reached, so the wife must make deciding vote.

Who is paying for the vacation?

Love me..love my kids.
Keep this in mind when locking in on a potential mate.

Good luck...............................
Karl

[ECOCKS]

Viking:

Has he applied for his visa yet?

[Mars]

I have sidelined the issue a bit as we have more importatn matters before us . . .

Maybe not . . . based on idea this could be a sign of things to come in the relationship!!!

Also, is it guaranteed that adult children can get visa into USA?  I didn't think it was, but I haven't investigated that issue.

[Mars]

Respondents, don't get so hung up on the vacation example I threw out.  Change it to anything else, the same principal will be involved.  Will the FSUW ever put you ahead of her children, even where putting you ahead will in no way endanger the health, well being, education, future, etc., of her child.

KenC has experience with counselor that suggests each spouse should put the other spouse ahead of the children.  This correlates with what the minister told my family member.

But will this ever happen with FSUW?

Phil votes no.

[kievstar]

Who comes first wife or dog - that can be a tough one.   

[KenC]

Respondents, don't get so hung up on the vacation example I threw out.  Change it to anything else, the same principal will be involved.  Will the FSUW ever put you ahead of her children, even where putting you ahead will in no way endanger the health, well being, education, future, etc., of her child.

KenC has experience with counselor that suggests each spouse should put the other spouse ahead of the children.  This correlates with what the minister told my family member.

But will this ever happen with FSUW?

Phil votes no.

Mars,
You will probably always be second to her son unless HE backes her off.
KenC

[ECOCKS]

I don't think this particularly has anything to do with FSUW vs. AW. It's too dependent on the personality of the woman and, to a lesser extent, of the children.

Keep searching if you feel this woman is unable to understand the concept of a family and be sure your standards are high.

[Gator]

You have a good woman if she can balance this issue without anyone always coming first and without creating turmoil each time.

A RW will naturally give more of her time and attention to her kids, particularly if young, than to you.  This is motherhood.  It is not that the RW loves doing it, it is because children will run to her and cling to her.  If you are dating the mother, the kids are from a broken home and the kids are naturally seeking the comfort and security of the only parent they know or trust.  Get used to it because it will take some time for an outsider to break through their defenses.

Those men who seek a traditional woman should expect a lot of family time together.  The man should spend time with the kids.  Most kids are entertaining if not interesting.  Besides it is your responsibility and duty.  And it will be rewarding in profound ways.

Oddly, the first time I met my wife's kids (they had just turned 5 and 6), the boy reached out and grabbed my hand, not his mother's, when we came to a street.  The little girl playfully ran near the street to purposefully alarm me, to see if I would rescue her.

One day, two years later, the mama and I had a serious argument that the kids observed.  It reminded the boy of past episodes between his mama and father.  I was so upset that I was ready to quit the relationship.  The boy, then 8, was alarmed and played mediator.  "What if you did ______ and mama did ________?  Would that make you happy?"  Coming from an 8-yo that melted me and I stayed.

With regard to vacations, I enjoy vacations with my wife and her two kids because they are fun.  I also enjoy vacations with just my wife, and my wife feels the need to get away from her kids.  About 33% of our travel before marriage was the four of us, 67% just she and I.  And some of the 33% was to Club Med so that almost doesn't count.

Since marriage in America, 80% of our travel has been as a family.  And my two sons sometimes come along.  Now that is a family and no one feels left out.  We try to reach a consensus on decisions.

[GQBlues]

Will the FSUW ever put you ahead of her children, even where putting you ahead will in no way endanger the health, well being, education, future, etc., of her child.

I'm with Ecocks in that I don't believe this is necessarily a FSUW v AW v WW matter. This falls more in line with a general motherly instincts.

I would be inclined to believe there's weight in knowing that she understands only one of them is irreplaceable.

[Shadow]

As new parents we will still have to test the reality of things.

However my opinions is that clearly we put the children in first place, but that we make the decisions. And as parents we will stand together behind our decision before the children, if needed we can fight it out in the bedroom.

[Doll]

She counseled with her minister and he advised her that she must always put the husband first in her life.

Husbands come and go, children stay.

[Blues Fairy]

Husbands come and go, children stay.

Actually just the other way round; children grow up and go; husbands stay. 
But maybe it's just the difference in our approaches to marriage.

[Gator]

Actually just the other way round; children grow up and go; husbands stay. 
But maybe it's just the difference in our approaches to marriage.

I heard an "ouch" all the way to Florida.

   

[Boethius]

This is the wrong question.

Putting a husband first, as the minister stated must be done, is a Biblical concept.   It applies equally to men putting their wives first.  If this is done, a family unit is strengthened.  However, this is predicated on the assumption of an intact family, not one torn apart by divorce or absentee fathers.

Children want to see love between their parents.  A stepfather is rarely in the same position as a biological father in most respects, simply because he is not the children's biological father.  
 

[jj]

GQ

He will "age out" at 21. As long as he is here and I have applied for his AOS, before he turns 21, we should be fine. After 21, he cannot be part of his mothers K1 deal. After 21, that is a very brutul issue. Can take years. But I have only a few months to play with, so he cannot delay.

Viking-  The aging out issue is still controversial among those who fall thru the cracks of completing adjustment of status before the interview.  The application for adjustment of status before age 21 should be legally correct, but we found out that if my wife's daughter was 21 at time of  adjustment of status interview they could say that she aged out.  We waited so long for the interview we finally had to get congress person and attorney to petition for interview before she turned 21.  Check out the info here on RWD from prior posts on the subject and be prepared.    

In terms of my wife's daughter, she knew english and wanted to start college , and part-time work asap, and also has boyfriend already.  So it was not like I had opportunity to help raise her as a child, but i still want the best for her despite her already living away.  My wife took this better than I thought , realizing he daughter wants to begin her own life

I think once your fiance's son gets here and learns english, he would want to get more independent .  You can relate to her that most sons have eventually strike out on their own.   The military was sure a good start for me when I was young as I am sure it was for alot of guys here.  But all will work out- JJ

[Gator]

Husbands come and go, children stay.

Doll, we are all different.  This statement suggests that you are a "taker" and not the type of woman who would deal with this issue in a balanced manner.

If a man likes kids and family, the OP's question will not be an issue with the woman who can balance all that is involved.  Part of building a relationship is having a meeting of the minds about how to do this.

[Gator]

A stepfather is rarely in the same position as a biological father in most respects, simply because he is not the children's biological father.  
 

Adding to this obstacle is the fact that a divorced RW's experience may have her conditioned not to expect much from a father or stepfather or any man with regard to children.  Hence, the reliance on babushka as in BostonDixie's case in another thread.

[Blues Fairy]

Adding to this obstacle is the fact that a divorced RW's experience may have her conditioned not to expect much from a father or stepfather or any man with regard to children. 

Gator, do you think you could respect or marry a woman who was conditioned by just one experience of a bad marriage to irrevocably lose all trust in mankind and never again rely on a male creature in the upbringing of her children?  Don't you think such a rigid approach would indicate her inability to use her brains and analyze the ongoing relationship?

[Doll]

Doll, we are all different.  This statement suggests that you are a "taker" and not the type of woman who would deal with this issue in a balanced manner.

I heard it from  Kimora Lee Simmons (Baby Phat). Is she a taker?

[viking]

Ecocks

We are going through this now. The petition is approved (NOA2). Waiting for it to clear NVC to go to consulate in Warsaw.

[viking]

JJ

Yes, it is still controversial. But my understanding, based on many discussions and reading, is that he must be at least here and filed for AOS before 21 to have any chance. There are several lawsuits on this, most in favor of the petitioner and there is supposed to be a final ruling shortly to cover this issue. Basically, if the government cant get its act together before he turns 21, why should he be put into a position, after going through everything else and being here, should he now be forced to go home. For now, as long as the AOS is filed, the final adjucation date should not matter. I hope.

[Gator]

 

Gator, do you think you could respect or marry a woman who was conditioned by just one experience of a bad marriage to irrevocably lose all trust in mankind and never again rely on a male creature in the upbringing of her children?  

No with regard to marriage.  

Not sure these women want a man for anything other than to pay the bills.

Is it reasonable to say "never."  Some RW gave me the impression that "never again rely" does indeed apply to them.   They did not seem like the type who would ask me, "What do you think?"  Yet others, even with a bad experience, seem to be clinging to hope that a Western man would indeed help.  These women were sweet in many ways, yet still strong as steel inside.  I prefer that combination.

Of these RW, some said they were looking for a father figure.  Others were looking for a man who simply would be a friend to their child, a responsibility that requires a lot of time from a man.

Don't you think such a rigid approach would indicate her inability to use her brains and analyze the ongoing relationship?

Of course, if she fell in the "never again rely" group.  And I doubt if she would give much thought about the long term with a man.

My guess is that any woman would change if she were with a man she truly loved and he had a sincere and deep interest in her child.  Then again, there are some women who have been emotionally if not psychologically traumatized.