Is this an unreasonable desire?

[Leelou]

Hi 

OK, I couldn't read all the details because the topic is quite long but here are some of my thoughts.
First of all, I am Belgian myself (© Proud Product of Brussels) and in my 20s too.

My first question is about your activity. You said you were unlikely to get any job in the next 4 years ? Why that ?
Your english is excellent. You live near Leuven which is not far from Brussels where you are more likely to find international/multilingual jobs.
Do you have any knowledge of Dutch or French? I have international friends in Brussels who work there without speaking a word of French or Dutch, so I think you can definitely find something if you really need to. I am not saying you would directly find the job of your dreams, but something normal to get your own income, you would.

1650 euros is just fine for 2 people in Belgium.
I don't know how much your rent is, but since you don't live in the capital, it surely is less than what you can get in Brussels.
You still have to be careful with expenses. A car is a lot of expenses, especially if you don't really need it
However, Belgium has advantages... You can travel for reasonable prices (with Eurolines, you can go to Paris/Amsterdam for 25-30 euros, if you're already in Flanders, a train to the sea wouldn't be more than 10 euros). Everything is also close to everything. I live in London, have to do minimum 1 hour of Metro to go to work... I am always amazed by how my conationals can consider 15 minutes of travel as a direct ride to Tibet...
All in all, in Belgium, even with a small budget, you can do many things and go to many places. You can at least have a valuable experience once every month. Your husband should consider that, about helping you and about activities together.

You can't get your own bank account, you can't get any activity out of home, there is no romantic gesture in your couple, you are forced to do things you don't want to (even with your own stuff such as money and ecc...), there is no help whatsoever...
Sorry, I might be a bit tough but, why did you marry that person? Did you know about his way of living before making the decision ? Did you live a bit together before going to Belgium ?

Of course, I don't know the full story as I would need to hear the version from your husband to have a precise opinion... But from what you're telling us, it seems like your man is a bit of a control freak (or at least has some tendencies), that would get advantage from your weak position in a new country?

Finally, not so important questions but I ask anyway...
Where do you study and how much commited are you in learning one of our national languages ?

Cheers!

[Daveman]

Very true but arguing is the first step in bringing disagreements into the open, even if it is not resolved. Otherwise suppressed anger can eat at a relationship like acid.

Yes, it seems that Aloe could possibly be a little atypical of the RW stereotype.  It seems she suppresses her emotions more often than not out of fear that his threats of "divorce" will be realized.  Thus she vents "here" (which, venting here is not a BAD thing, as long as it doesn't completely replace venting at/with the "object" of the emotion).




Now, I thought ML's humorous ultimatum (I'm positive it was a joke, I could be mistaken I guess, but I just don't buy that as real) about "Eat bread in your own flat!" was about the most ridiculous thing I have heard until this "tan or divorce"...  now that just flat takes the damn cake.


Now, here's what I think is happening..


She's rocking his boat.  His life was a specific way and his expectation was that she would enter into his life, take a seat on the vessel, and nothing would be disturbed -- things would continue on exactly as before but now with a woman there...  She had a specific expectation of what marriage will be and reality thumped her upside the head.  All young couple go through this and the stories can be amazingly strange before the dust settles.


Yeah, it appears to be control from his side, and he appears ridiculously self centered... They do not communicate.  Perhaps they talk to each other, or whatever, but there is no communication... certainly if THAT aspect doesn't change, the relationship is doomed.  If they can learn to communicate with each other in a manner the other "gets", then perhaps the situation can change for the better.


Will they make it? That depends on BOTH of them.

[Misha]

But if a man is not romantic, asking him to change is futile.

If he loves her, he will try. We don't always succeed, but men who truly love their wives do try to make them happy and if that means trying awkwardly to be romantic, that is what we do 

[Daveman]

If he loves her, he will try. We don't always succeed, but men who truly love their wives do try to make them happy and if that means trying awkwardly to be romantic, that is what we do 

Or, try to remember to put the seat down, or replace the toothpaste cap, or rinse EVERY single beard hair down the drain even though we don't see them, or pick up dirty socks and underwear from the floor and place them in the hamper, or not holding your dirty sock over her nose just to see cuteness her eyes waterning, or not farting in bed and pulling the cover over her head, or not coming out of the shower pointing to the towel draped over your special 'hook' thinking that'll obviously put her in the mood...


those little thing make or break, including awkward attempts at romance, yeah -- a can of spray paint and a water tower is cheap fun and goes a long way! ... the bigger issues usually stop the marriage from happening in the first place, but not always true.

[Daveman]

And just another goofy idea... sometimes all it takes to completely change a situation is for a man to notice and acknowledge some little thing his wife does, and show appreciation for it..  while that may not be the most romantic thing possible in the world, the effect of such simple acts can be astounding.

[BC]

And just another goofy idea... sometimes all it takes to completely change a situation is for a man to notice and acknowledge some little thing his wife does, and show appreciation for it..  while that may not be the most romantic thing possible in the world, the effect of such simple acts can be astounding.

Aloe,

Another way of putting it is 'I am nr 1'...  look after yourself. At this point you have a sound mind and body so do whatever you can to enjoy yourself.  Find a club or other interest in your local area.. really anything will do - and enjoy.  Even reading a comedy book and laughing out loud will get your partners attention.  In other words, live your life to the fullest and maybe it will be noticed, possibly engaged.

[JR]

So i am wondering if i'm being unreasonable here.
The situation is as follows. Imagine being in this situation yourself and what would you find of it?

We have 1 car.
Hubby has been utilizing the car exclusively for 2 years taking it to work every day. If i had/have to go anywhere while hubby is at work, i have to take the bus and/or the train, which i have been doing.

Train station is 1 km away from our house. I have been walking there every day.

I have to go to university every day.
Hubby goes to work every day, plus classes on monday evening.

On monday and friday i have to get up at 5.50 AM and leave the house at 7.10 AM with a 15 minute walk to the station.
Hubby gets up at 7.10 AM and leaves the house at like 8.30 AM, His job is 15-20 minute drive away and he can officially show up at any time as long as it's before 10 AM, so he sets his own time of when to leave for work. On monday he also has classes so he comes home at 10 PM that day.


The thing is, since it started being freezing cold in the early mornings, i want to drive the car to the train station, so that i don't have to freeze my butt off while walking on heels all the way to the station. But i wanna do it only on monday and friday.

So what it would entail for my hubby is him getting up 10 minutes earlier and either dropping me off at the station as soon as he gets up then driving home and doing his thing before work. Or i take the car and leave it at the station, so hubby will have to walk or cycle the 1 km to the station to pick it up and then go to work on the car.  Mind you he wears no heels and is nice and warm the entire way, because he dresses practically, while i like to dress pretty instead of practically

So hubby doesn't wanna do it, because it's unfair that he works to support us and he has to endure the 1 km walk. He thinks i should walk, no matter if im freezing and on heels, and i should dress practically instead of pretty. And he doesn't wanna drop me off at the station in the morning either.

Unrelated facts from the past: Whenever i wanted to take the car and it conflicted with his going to work, i was always the one made to use public transport, OR if i REALLY wanted the car, then drop him off and pick him up from work on that day. He never ever ever ever ever uses public transport and flat out refuses to do it any time the question comes up. But whenever i point out that i don't like public transport either, it's tough cookies and "he wants me to learn to be independent".
Another unrelated funny fact: The other day he forbade me having my own bank account and made me transfer all the money, that my parents sent me, to our joint account, because it bothered him that i have my own account. Talk about independence.

So yes, is this unreasonable of me to wanna take the car on monday and friday making hubby walk 1 km to pick it up, or wanting him to get up 10 minutes ealier instead and drop me off at the station? All that while OMG he has school on one of those two days and OMG all that while HE and HE alone has to work. What do you think?

Haven't we had this conversation before....something about vacuuming?  Aloe, I think you need to face the fact that you married a man who sees you as second to himself and always will. If you don't want to freeze your ass off in the mornings then take the damn car, leave him a note telling him you love him but he's just gonna have to deal with it. )))
Step up or step aside

[Steamer]

Hello Aloe,
 
I cannot keep this inside anymore.  I think that your husband is probably a great guy. If we went out to a pub together we would get along famously. I think that he is a totally normal guy that wants to control his world as he sees it. What I see happening is you are starting to mature and wanting to be a woman and not the cute little girl.
 
I remember these feelings when I was married to my first wife, that I had to control everything, otherwise I was not the man. We fought about everything because we could not cede control over anything. What I learned was not everything was worth fighting over, I didn't have to control everything. I now fight over what is important to me. I don't care if my wife wants to paint the kitchen pink, it's not important. I let her have her area and I have mine and then I will fight for my area.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[mendeleyev]

sometimes all it takes to completely change a situation is for a man to notice and acknowledge some little thing his wife does, and show appreciation for it..  while that may not be the most romantic thing possible in the world, the effect of such simple acts can be astounding.

Absolutely.

[Muzh]

If he loves her, he will try. We don't always succeed, but men who truly love their wives do try to make them happy
 

There is a huge leap between making her happy and being romantic.
 

and if that means trying awkwardly to be romantic, that is what we do 

Misha, if you honestly do everything to try to make her happy, she would not care if you are awkwardly romantic. 
 
But I agree with Gator, you are responsible for your own happiness. That I will tag along and share it with her is another story, and maybe this is where the confusion arises when someone claims that the other do not make him/her happy. You share your happiness, not try to make them happy.

[Misha]

There is a huge leap between making her happy and being romantic.

True, but if sending a bouquet of flowers will ensure that my wife will be happy even for a few minutes, then it is worth the effort. True, philosophically, one cannot make another person happy, but one can bring some joy to their lives no matter how fleeting 
 

Misha, if you honestly do everything to try to make her happy, she would not care if you are awkwardly romantic.   

Yes, that is true.
 

[Ade]

 
Misha, if you honestly do everything to try to make her happy, she would not care if you are awkwardly romantic. 

What matters is the motivation; is it a selfless desire to make your partner happy or is it just a ploy to manipulate them into a certain behaviour or mood which you'll directly or indirectly benefit from.

[Muzh]

What matters is the motivation; is it a selfless desire to make your partner happy or is it just a ploy to manipulate them into a certain behaviour or mood which you'll directly or indirectly benefit from.

Notice the qualifier "honestly" because I swear these women have a radar augmented by a sonar.

[BillyB]

 

So please do post what you are thinking.

 
I tried earlier but someone thought my posts aren't good enough for you.
 
 
 

Could it be if i ended up alone, i'd experience all the things i wanted and end up an unhappy bitter old lonely woman, always and forever regretting letting this man go?

 
What is to regret? You always talk more bad than good about your husband. What in the world is good about your husband that would make you regret leaving him? You won't talk to your mom about it because she'll give the same advice most people here is giving you and that is to move away from being married. You don't like her advice but you prefer ours?
 
 
When you got married, did you say something along the lines of "For better or worse?" Most people don't pay attention to their wedding vows. There are many people in much worse situations than you.
 
 
When you did lots of online communication with your hubby before marriage, did he talk about what he thinks the husband and wife roles are in marriage or did he just talk about cool cars, video games, and make jokes? What did you talk about in your effort to find a life partner? I tend to believe there was a failure to communicate.
 
 
What's your plan now with the advice you got? Fix the marriage, get out now, or use him for a few more years so you can become independent after he finances your education? Where's the gratitude?
 
 
Someday you may leave your husband. Your online personality seems to be decent but what about your beauty? What are the chances of you identifying and catching your dream man that will take you and travel all over the world? I know myself and what I'm capable of catching. Do you know yourself?

[Jumper]

This has been disected and taken out as far as possible,
 like most things on an internet forum.
 
They are a young couple,who were both fresh from their parents homes into a marriage without living a solo adult life first,  and yes, finances  can be a problem ,and is , for likely 99% of young married couples. It is really not relavent since everyone that age often has those same general limitations whether married or not. Aloe wouldnt have likely been globe trotting back in Russia (or anywhere else) if  not married to her husband. He does seem happy not ever leaving the house, much less going a couple hours to see nearby sights.They dont seem well matched in that area,, but may be in many others?
 only they truly know, and they saw something in each other to get married in the first place.
 
 
Maybe its just a case of neither understand each other well?
as often couple talk but dont really understand each other.
That in many cases takes time and years of marriage?
 
the following joke, seems as close to reality as any of the speculation.. and yes it could be him or her switched in either role. 
 

 
 
 
 

[GQBlues]

 
 
Yup! Those 2 are very seriously overdue for some intensive counseling. Too funny! Kudos AJ!

[acrzybear]

This has been disected and taken out as far as possible,
 like most things on an internet forum.
 
They are a young couple,who were both fresh from their parents homes into a marriage without living a solo adult life first,  and yes, finances  can be a problem ,and is , for likely 99% of young married couples. It is really not relavent since everyone that age often has those same general limitations whether married or not. Aloe wouldnt have likely been globe trotting back in Russia (or anywhere else) if  not married to her husband. He does seem happy not ever leaving the house, much less going a couple hours to see nearby sights.They dont seem well matched in that area,, but may be in many others?
 only they truly know, and they saw something in each other to get married in the first place.
 
 
Maybe its just a case of neither understand each other well?
as often couple talk but dont really understand each other.
That in many cases takes time and years of marriage?
 
the following joke, seems as close to reality as any of the speculation.. and yes it could be him or her switched in either role. 
 

AJ-Thanks for sharing your diary with us     

[Aloe]

Short recap of the developments. I now take the car on those two days, hubby doesn't seem to mind, strangely. Dunno why he made a giant deal about it in the beginning.
I talked to a psychologist, but that didn't go anywhere, as it's not free and i have one concern, i dunno if iwas reading something that wasn't there but from her face expressions i got the impression that my problems seemed either funny or endearing in a cute kind of way. Anyway something that warranted a slight but nonetheless a visible smile. Maybe a smile of encouragement? That made me very uncomfortable, and considering i'd have to pay for the sessions, i decided against paying for something that makes me feel like i'm not being taken seriously.
Things are back to good with hubby. I'm still a bit confused though..
On an unrelated note, yesterday my teacher who is married to a russian guy invited her students to her home. I thought it would be boring, but felt kinda obliged to go. But they started serving vodka right off the bat and singing russian songs, lol, it was actually fun, there was also lots of russian food. And everyone was very friendly after a few shots of vodka. Tooooooo bad i was one of the first ones to leave to go home cuz the last train was leaving soon, and that was at 11 That was my first outing without my hubby in the last 3 years.

[Eduard]

Aloe,
I just found this thread, so I'm sorry to be late to chip in, but my heart goes out to you.
Just to give you an idea how I handled things:
1. When my wife arrived and right after we got married I changed all my accounts to both of our names so that she could have access as my equal, my partner.
2. I bought the second vehicle so that we could go places independent of one another if need be. But even if your husband can't afford to buy another vehicle for you I think your request to be driven to the train station is totally reasonable and he is the one with the "issues" if he refuses to do so. I'm very sorry to hear about stuff like this, it makes me upset. But there are men (in all countries) who think it's OK to treat their wives this way, then they act surprised when relationships end.
Hope things will change for the better for you!
Ed

[ML]

That was my first outing without my hubby in the last 3 years.

I think this is a good thing and also think that most relationship experts recommend that the spouses do some things without the other present.

But, of course, this is also how affairs get started.

[BC]

Aloe,

Happy to hear things are improving a bit.

A psychologist usually will not resolve problems, but instead put you in a state of mind to be able to resolve them yourself.  Seems that smile may have broken the routine of your thought patterns, enough to prompt your own thoughts.  In itself not bad.

Relationships are work... hard work - kopf hoch.

Stick to doing things that make you happy and reinforce the good things your hubby does even if they are few.  Give him a hug when he hands you the car keys.  Don't concentrate on what he does wrong but instead find something, anything he has done right and reward that action.  With a little time it might 'catch on'.

[Gator]

Aloe,
 
This new development sounds good, really good.  Some comments:
 

That was my first outing without my hubby in the last 3 years.

This is remarkable.  That says so much.  I have never heard of such.  Three months is too long.  Three years.....  I never imagined that you were this shy.
 
You need to get out more.  Get another life other than work and hubby.   Look how much better you feel after one evening with friends.   Having another life will not only make you feel better about yourself, you will be more interesting to other people to include hubby.   Your hubby also needs a night with his men friends to play poker or whatever. 
 
Many people would have taken the psychologist's smile as nothing.  You are intelligent to ascertain some possible implications.    Yet you are too shy to ask the psychologist why she smiled.  If you had asked her that and a couple of other probing questions, there is no telling where it could have led.
 
Vodka and friends.  Is this not one of the traditional forms of psychotherapy in Russia, one step below consulting with Godparents and babushkas?     Seriously, this formula works as long as you do not abuse alcohol.   Many smart people have said that seeing a psychiatrist for therapy is simply a sign that one has too much money.     
 
Be patient, make some friends, and have long talks with those whom you trust.       

[BillyB]

Things are back to good with hubby.
 

 
NOW is a good time to talk about strengthing your marriage with hubby. Don't wait till it gets bad again forcing you address issues with bad emotions. The laundry basket won't be able to take your wrath again.
 
 

That was my first outing without my hubby in the last 3 years.

 
 Based off your past posts your husband makes very little money by Belgium standards. Until you get a job, the family will have little expendable income. You married your husband under these conditions. Unless he deceived you, don't make him feel less of a man because he doesn't earn as much as you'd like.

[Muzh]

You heard the man Aloe. Back to the kitchen and the laundry room. Learn how to be subservient so your hubby doesn't feel castrated.

[BillyB]

Muzh, don't be upset Aloe didn't take your "Divorce the Mother F'r" advice earlier.  When trouble starts in a relationship, the "Let's end this right now!" attitude is not good advice.