Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[die_cast]

Seems he is trying to establish the relationship he admits they should have already had.

Yep, he is. Why she is not trying to do the same? Does she know him good enough already, no questions? Is that how she see the marriage in general: he is working, he is cooking, he is bringing up her child while she is too busy watching anime and listening to Japanese boys? 

[Hammer2722]

Yep, he is. Why she is not trying to do the same? Does she know him good enough already, no questions? Is that how she see the marriage in general: he is working, he is cooking, he is bringing up her child while she is too busy watching anime and listening to Japanese boys? 

+100

[TheTraveler]

asap - tell her it was a mistake, and that it's obviously not going to work.

get her back home quickly.

she'll probably be relieved that you said it first.

don't blame the kid.

the problems (many) in this story are with the adults.

be nice.

[fathertime]

I see you agree you were wrong in so many counts. 

"Snuggling" while a kid is screaming and throwing herself into walls in the next room.... and yanking the plug on the internet are just goofy...when compared to the other ideas. 


If anything many of the things I advocated earlier, have been reinforced throughout the thread by many people whose opinions are well thought out and logical. 


Fathertime! 

[southernX]

just rememeber folks  all that we ''know ''is what jmana has told us here , his take on it only   

his admitted track record is not flash , it seems his old habits and behaviours where not successfull
so he is asking for positive input

pretty sure alina , would have some different perspectives, on his actions to date &hers
we can only guess why she came to him, but it doesnt seem it was just as a mule to me , from what he wrote , her dad could have done this maybe already

given both had enough interest to go through the process , & they are now in the same house & neither one is yet ready to call it quits afawk
it seems he at least wants to attempt to improve things

if he can or not who knows , time will tell

i for one am not going to hit auto eject on him just yet till more story unfolds , helping the poor bastard , might improve things

it all begins with the first positive step forward ime

SX

[TheTraveler]

I'm just hoping that you can send her back without a great big hassle...if need be maybe you can bribe her with tickets to the next Anime convention. 

lol

i like to watch you work, fathertime!

[jmana]

I just don't know what to do, today was a failure.  I think I should begin working on an exit strategy just in case.  I don't think she is using me as a "mule", but it would seem to me her idea of a relationship is completely different than mine.  It seems her idea is that her "writing" is priority number one and the relationship is on the back burner until she feels like getting to it.  So she finished the thing that had a deadline of Friday, she was up till 1am last night and it got done.  But this morning she had her face buried in the laptop again.  So I thought I'd just be inquisitive and see what I can find out.  I ask what's so important that she has to always be sitting there with her computer, she tells me she has many fans that like her stories and she derives self esteem from people liking her stories.  I ask what these stories are about, she tells me the one she was working on was about the Japanese boy tennis team.  I ask what could possibly be interesting enough to write about a Japanese boy tennis team (and does anything like that even exist in real life??), she says she writes all kinds of stories about them, this most recent one is about how they traveled to space to combat alien tennis players    WTF?!  Anyway, so I tell her she can't possibly sit there and stare at that thing all day, and she says "sure I can, I've done it before", sure you have.....   So I said "I thought you said you got the thing done last night?"  She says "that's just one story, it's all part of one big contest".  Ohhhh, a contest.  What's the prize?  No prize.  Nice.  I ask if there is anyone with a job or life that writes these stories.  Then I have to sit there while she rambles off the life stories of all of about 4 people who write these stories and actually have good jobs and a good education.  Mkay.  So I ask when is this contest over?  She says maybe another week.  So I look at the calendar and say the date that is a week away and ask if that's correct, she says no, it's over the middle of February    So then I say "okay, well I guess since these stories are so much more important than getting to know me, I will talk to you in 2 weeks then".  I guess she finally got the hint because about 20 minutes later she shut the damn thing off and said "see, I am done for the night", like it was a big accomplishment or something.  I was like "great, so let's watch a movie".  And she wants to watch a DVD that just came from Netflix, I pop it in and she says it's cold.  I told her it's okay, I'll come sit beside you and keep you warm, but you have to move the laptop (which was sitting beside her on the couch), and she says she can't move it because it has it's own spot.  At that point I figured it's time to throw in the F-ing towel.  She's more in love with that laptop than she is me.  So yeah, unless I'm missing something, I think it's safe to assume this is a lost cause. 

[lonedrake]

jmana


 I appreciate your honesty about this.  I believe you know what you must do. All I would say is keep your cool and be nice. It's not going to work out so no need to make it ugly. Buy tickets and bring her to the airport. I would also send her home with some money....maybe 500-1,000. 

 

[fathertime]

jmana


 . Buy tickets and bring her to the airport. I would also send her home with some money....maybe 500-1,000.

Ha!  I said this earlier and of course agree with lonedrake about giving her some pocket money if she goes...


When I have had a tenant that I needed to make go away, I have sometimes offered some money,,,it is not that I wanted to, but it helps my cause to get the tenant out quickly and without a hassle.   If you send this lady away, I would consider doing the same thing...just make sure she gets on that plane, before she does you any real damage, if you know what I mean! If it really isn't going to work, then I'm of the opinion that you should get on with it as quickly as possible..


.Going nowhere quickly is way better than going nowhere slowly. 


Fathertime!   

[jmana]

jmana


 I appreciate your honesty about this.  I believe you know what you must do. All I would say is keep your cool and be nice. It's not going to work out so no need to make it ugly. Buy tickets and bring her to the airport. I would also send her home with some money....maybe 500-1,000.

Yeah, I'm thinking I might want to have my friend take her to the airport    Seriously, that would be an uncomfortable drive.  But right now I don't see any other option than to send her home, she obviously does not give a crap about forging any kind of romantic bond with me, either that or she's just friggen clueless on what a relationship is.  Considering the crap she's into writing, I'm almost willing to go with the latter.  It's almost like she's a child in that respect. 

[BillyB]

I just don't know what to do, today was a failure.

From what you described earlier, everyday was a failure. Grab and hold her hand, look her in the eyes and say "I can't marry you. We're two different people. We can't live together anymore." Add the reasons if you must.


She may then offer solutions, work harder to make the relationship work and remove the laptop to make room for you on the couch. If you settle for less, you'll get less. If you're not completely satisfied with her solutions, buy her a ticket home. Don't hesitate. Don't look back. If you're lucky, she'll agree with you that you two aren't made for each other.

[Faux Pas]

Yeah, I'm thinking I might want to have my friend take her to the airport    Seriously, that would be an uncomfortable drive.  But right now I don't see any other option than to send her home, she obviously does not give a crap about forging any kind of romantic bond with me, either that or she's just friggen clueless on what a relationship is.  Considering the crap she's into writing, I'm almost willing to go with the latter.  It's almost like she's a child in that respect.

Man up brother. It's time for that talk (with the laptop turned off), there is nothing of a mutually satisfying relationship with this woman. She's a fetish net addict and your charming personality or throbbing member isn't enough to turn her head. Have the "talk of shame" or the "it's me, not you" talk that this isn't going anywhere and and it's time to plan where she goes from here. Because, she is going and it's without you. Buy her ticket home or to Seattle but, end it and the sooner the better. Stop even considering marrying this woman unless of course, you enjoy your life as it's been these previous 2 weeks. If that's the case, congrats on the nuptials

[jmana]

I wonder if there is any way her dad could get a visa for her so she could go there?  That is if she would even be interested in staying, it seems to me she complains about so much here that maybe she'd be happier going back to St. Pete?  I mean it's not flat out complaining, it's the "why does every house look the same in this country?" or the "why don't you have radiators, it's so much better" type of thing.  I'm just so pissed right now, I feel like waking her up and asking her why the F-ck she's here.  Is it that she needs a comfortable place to crash where all expenses are taken care of so she can concentrate on writing stories about fake Japanese tennis teams and their exciting adventures (that all of 17 people read)?  Oh, but those stories saved her life.  I forgot to mention that one earlier, she told me she felt she had no purpose in life, then she started writing these stories.  So I guess what I can take from that is she was suicidal?  Nice, I'm living with a complete nutjob.  Sorry guys, I'm venting.  I need to figure this out tomorrow, figure out exactly what to say to her.  I can't continue like this, this is complete insanity.  Even if she does say things will change, I don't think it will fix anything, because this seems to be unfixable in my mind. 

[JayH]

Wow--hard to believe it has come to this . I don't understand what on earth you did or were doing when you met her originally.
Now-- you need to sit with her and explain your thoughts and feelings about all this-- and to LISTEN to what her answers ,thoughts are when she hears this.
Above all else-- this is Alina and her daughters future on the line  and you need to consider that and how she could manage to undo what has happened in their lives.

[Gator]

Now is when the speculation starts,  and there are many possible scenarios.

Maybe she had a Russian ex-boyfriend who never went away and is now promising her the world if she returns to Russia.  If so, good riddance as it shows she was not committed.

Maybe she had serious questions and something you did turned her off.  However, if she will not even talk about issues, good riddance.

Maybe she has planned all along to incite you into violence or even file false domestic violence charges, enabling her to stay in the USA even if she does not marry.  Her father offers a a safe haven.  I surely hope that is not her plan.  Be very careful.  I don't know what measures you should take to protect yourself.  Your son is a witness, but he is only 12.

Maybe she is simply out of touch, very immature.  However, she is competent enough to transfer through JFK without you being there.

Maybe she has a video game addiction.  I know nothing about video game psychosis.  One RWD RW named Aloe struggled with her marriage in part because her husband seemed almost addicted to games.

There are more possibilities.  No need to belabor them. Unless a miracle happens, your relationship is over without ever having started. 

If she is religious, I suggest the two of you could meet with the priest at the orthodox church, discuss the issues, and announce your decision to send her back.  The priest may be able to soften any reaction.  At least he will be a witness.   The two of you will have to be somewhat friendly as you will have to coordinate dates for rebooking the tickets.  BTW, legally she must return to Russia, yet you can not force her. 

Your story had many bizarre parts.  One of the more puzzling questions is, if she had doubts about marrying you when leaving Russia, why subject her little daughter to possible turmoil. She could have left the daughter with family and immigrated after the marriage.

Good luck!  You have my sympathy.  The pain of broken dreams is huge, yet it will pass.

[Ade]

Wow--hard to believe it has come to this .

Hard? Hard? How can you be serious? He knew her for a week.
Never slept with her. Can't understand the need to go meet her at the airport and thinks that watching a movie is the way to get to know somebody. While she sounds like a flaky internet addict interested in writing fantasy about androgynous Japanese tennis players while ignoring her kid.

And that is barely scratching the surface of their mutual weirdness. Hard? Jesus wept dude, this was a recipe for travesty from day one.

All I can say is, poor kid!

[dogspot]

I take it jmana isn't much of an internet sleuth. One could easily uncover some added information about Alina if he puts his mind to it. A quick Google search and a few social networking sights will yield a little more information than what he has gotten out of her in conversation.

The reality: She just isn't into him. She's also *in love* with various japanese boy band members and is quite active in social circles surrounding such groups. Her fantasies will not allow her to get close to jmana or any other guy for that matter. She's obsessed.

If he googled her name he might come across a 10 minute youtube video shot last week from the living room of his home. A translator might be able to make more sense of the situation. I would suggest he reaches out to one of the ladies members here at RWD for assistance.

He might also find one of her blogs, her Twitter page, etc., none of which make any mention of any *men* in her life other than the japanese boys for which she obsesses. She does, however, talk a little about life so far in North Carolina, albeit without mentioning jmana once.

She's a pretty girl, jmana, but you will be much happier when you find one who makes you happy and who loves you more than anything in this world.

[JayH]

DS-- you may have helped find a key here--to get some idea of what she is thinking.
What will not help right now is for others to go "researching"  or more!!  Give the guy and Alina a chance to sort this out --maybe as DS suggested if a Russian speaker can interpret the available material-- and try and assist jmana.

Funny you commented about "looks" -- I have been wondering that about both of them thru this saga-- and if that has any relevance.

[BillyB]

One could easily uncover some added information about Alina if he puts his mind to it. A quick Google search and a few social networking sights will yield a little more information than what he has gotten out of her in conversation.

There's no need for jmana to dig up more dirt. He has enough knowledge of the woman to end the relationship and he has more important things to attend to.

  I'm just so pissed right now, I feel like waking her up and asking her why the F-ck she's here. 

You need to control your emotions, be kind when ending it, and then tell her you will buy her and her daughter tickets back to Russia and give them money so they may continue their life back there.


If you have extra money to spare, I'd suggest putting them in a hotel until they leave. The last thing you need is a situation that gives you a domestic violence or child molester record in exchange for their green cards. I don't think she's a bad woman but it's your life. Why take chances? How ugly can someone get? Breaking up with them is a good way to find out. Be kind, be generous, be a gentleman. Don't give her any ammunition to get ugly.

[northkape]

Jmana
Reading your story makes me sad, same for some of the advice here.

I don't know more about your situation than the few lines you have written here,
so I'm barely able to offer anything more than general advice.

First about your woman Alina.
She is apparently like most humans, outward bound,,,,,,
seeking support, respect and praise from the world around her,
and first from those persons closest and most familiar to her.

At the moment this appears to be her 17 fans somewhere on the internet,
they are are probably giving her praise and showing her respect.
Based on what she is writing, thinking and able to write.

In this respect she appears to be a perfectly normal, intelligent young woman.
In my opinion, more normal than those who spend a lot of their life reading and criticizing other peoples lives on a website like this.
And far from being a "nutjob", as those are often inward bound or have a more complex gratification mechanism.

She is doing this, because at the moment she can't find anything else more worthwhile for her to do.
Exactly the same as for all of those who participate here, they have nothing else they find more worthwhile to do.

Whether she shows it or not, she is frustrated and confused from being removed from all that was familiar to her.
And these 17 fans on the internet might be one of her only remaining links to something familiar to her.

Jmana,, I focused on the above, as you seem to be very frustrated about this part of your woman's life,
based on how much you have been writing and telling us about this subject.

So what can you do to turn the ship, before it hits the shore?
I base my advice on what appears to be some attraction between the two of you, and that it is still present.
However confusing, the lack of intimacy and sex.

If she can find the same level of respect and praise from you she will gradually turn away from the computer.
But respect has to be earned both ways, between the two you, over time, (lots of time)
Stop criticizing her about her net activity, and rather show some genuine interest in what she is writing.
No need to encourage her activity, but it is an open door for you,,,
to enter her life and show respect for what she considers to be important in her confused life at the moment.

Treat her like a Princess (you want her to be that in your life, right)……
When cooking food for her, or whatever, don’t add a comment like  "it would have been nice, if you could give me a hand"
It will instantly destroy all your efforts to be nice to her.
Be strong and give support, help and praise, without excepting anything in return, you will reap what you sow later.
She will be criticizing a lot about her unfamiliar surroundings in the next year or so,
don’t ever be offended from it, it’s perfectly normal for someone in her position.
Rather, do agree with her at first, before offering your personal views on the matters.

Next, you are very lucky in that she has a young child of her own.
Mothers are genetically wired to protect their offspring, and if she finds a mate that truly loves her child,
the path to her hearth is open for walking in directly, without knocking first.

And 99% of children are so easy to get in touch with and be friends with.
Their hearts are mostly open for anyone willing to spend quality time together with them.
It means playing together with them, on their level,,, learning and showing them new things,
activities where the interaction between you is the main thing, not as an example, watching cartoons together.
They understand immediately if you enjoy being together with them.
As stated earlier, learn by example, and praise instead of critic.
When there is a need for correcting, try to explain and justify it, (possible without a language also)

Having a son from earlier, I was confused however from your story about letting this 4 year old girl "attack you" in such a way.
It shows that you are not fully comfortable with handling children. But where there is a will,,,,

Sorry no more time….

Hope it is of help for you, just don’t give up yet, it might not be easier with the next one.
And you owe it to them, to try your very best, to build on the foundation you have already created.
I have seen much stranger relationships than this turn out successfully in the end,,,  wish you good luck anyway...

Jan

[pitbull]

jmana,


This will not work. I hope she realized she was coming for a trial, not to get married, and she didn't quit her job in St. Pete.
You need to sit down, have a frank conversation and have her go back as soon as possible to cause as little disruption to her and her daughter's life as possible. Give her enough money to resettle her life.


On another note, please do not come back to FSU for another woman. This is not for you, you are clueless about women, children and relationships in general.

[jmana]

Whether she shows it or not, she is frustrated and confused from being removed from all that was familiar to her.
And these 17 fans on the internet might be one of her only remaining links to something familiar to her.

Stop criticizing her about her net activity, and rather show some genuine interest in what she is writing.
No need to encourage her activity, but it is an open door for you,,,
to enter her life and show respect for what she considers to be important in her confused life at the moment.

Treat her like a Princess (you want her to be that in your life, right)……
When cooking food for her, or whatever, don’t add a comment like  "it would have been nice, if you could give me a hand"

I have considered that these 17 to 26 people giving positive reviews to her stories are as you say, her link to her past, but I'm her link to her future and if she isn't willing to stop living in this childish fantasy world of her past, in order to have a REAL future, then there's no hope.

I did try to show interest, initially I told her I'd like to read these stories, I asked her to send me a link to them, but she refused, said they wouldn't translate well. 

I've never added a comment like that, although I've certainly thought it.  I've also certainly thought it would be nice if she could put a dirty dish away after she's done with it but I've kept my mouth shut regarding these things.

[jmana]

jmana,


This will not work. I hope she realized she was coming for a trial, not to get married, and she didn't quit her job in St. Pete.
You need to sit down, have a frank conversation and have her go back as soon as possible to cause as little disruption to her and her daughter's life as possible. Give her enough money to resettle her life.


On another note, please do not come back to FSU for another woman. This is not for you, you are clueless about women, children and relationships in general.

I know if I would get involved with another one that I will not be paying for everything like this time.  That was a HUGE mistake.  I dated another girl from Moscow years ago and she came here entirely on her own dime, which was great.  Unfortunately it didn't work out, but this situation where I'm paying for everything, including having to buy both her and her daughter new clothes because she didn't pack much (because her damn luggage was full of Japanese DVDs and books) is a bunch of BS. 

[TheTraveler]

I wonder if there is any way her dad could get a visa for her so she could go there?  That is if she would even be interested in staying, it seems to me she complains about so much here that maybe she'd be happier going back to St. Pete?

and if you don't buy return air tickets for her and daughter to st petersburg, then your affidavit of support will still be active.

 let me guess.  you're considering how much *cheaper* the airfare to seattle ?

[jmana]

and if you don't buy return air tickets for her and daughter to st petersburg, then your affidavit of support will still be active.

 let me guess.  you're considering how much *cheaper* the airfare to seattle ?

No, just trying to figure out what will be the easiest for her.