Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[die_cast]

We don't know what is her experience with men, probably she is not experienced and mature, which makes her clueless.
Because one thing wonders me a lot, what normal mature woman would move to another country with her man for good and all, without having sex with him previously? You can call it a "test drive" if you like.  That's something you never know before you really try it, but that is what you'll live with the rest of your life if you decided to move and marry him. 
Probably her experience with men is so limited that she even doesn't think about it.
Probably she is very religious (but I don't see any other sings of it for now, because religious women here are usually very traditional and they know how to cook, they pay a lot attention to their children, etc.).
Probably she is "asexual" one. Sex is out of her interests. But even so, she should understand that rare man is also asexual, so what is her plan for future life - live like a brother and sister together? Or make an effort and have a sex with her husband twice a year? 

This is amazing case I have to add. There are so many normal nice women around who want to find and marry nice normal man, but some men are trying to be so sly that they outwit themselves in the upshot. 

[Wayne]

If a woman does not have a normal relationship with her father while growing up, there is less chance for her to have a normal relationship with a husband.
 
Here, Alina's father leaves the family when she is a child. Then Alina has a baby, and the baby's father leaves. So all the men in her life are always leaving her!
 
Now comes jmana, who had good intentions, but now he is rejecting her.
 
Alina's low libido could be something like a hormone inbalance. Does anyone know, is she very thin?

[Muzh]

Generally speaking I think they are both clueless of what the other wants. I think since they are both here and she seems nothing to come back to they could give it the best try. Just as well.
What I think he might do is to be very direct i.e.
"Alina, I want you to meet me at the door when I am back". "Alina, please only work on the stories when I am not at home". "Alina, are you cold?"  etc etc...
Just because they both would struggle to have a relationship with their peers (that's the reason to get involved in MOB really) they could just as well try and make the best out of the situation.

That means retraining a 37 yo male and a 28 yo female. Do you know the odds of such training to happen?
 
Besides, he has to ask himself if this is what to expect for the duration of their marriage: Alina, can you do this? Alina, can you do that?
 
Not to mention how long before Alina feels that he is a control freak because he has to tell her what to do?
 
See where I'm heading to?

[Gator]

Generally speaking I think they are both clueless of what the other wants. I think since they are both here and she seems nothing to come back to they could give it the best try. Just as well.
What I think he might do is to be very direct i.e.
"Alina, I want you to meet me at the door when I am back". "Alina, please only work on the stories when I am not at home". "Alina, are you cold?"  etc etc...
Just because they both would struggle to have a relationship with their peers (that's the reason to get involved in MOB really) they could just as well try and make the best out of the situation.

Good post, balanced.


One would presume jmana is direct with Alina.  However, this episode started with jmana complaining about the 4-yo daughter and only later did we discover the far more serious  issue was the lack of a relationship with his fiancee.  They were not even lovers, much less friends and partners.   So maybe he is not direct, and neither is she (odd thing to say about a RW). 

[Ranetka]

That means retraining a 37 yo male and a 28 yo female. Do you know the odds of such training to happen?
 
Besides, he has to ask himself if this is what to expect for the duration of their marriage: Alina, can you do this? Alina, can you do that?
 
Not to mention how long before Alina feels that he is a control freak because he has to tell her what to do?
 
See where I'm heading to?

Of course i see where you are heading....but they have each other and they can try. I am really sorry for being direct here but it might be more successful then building relationship with 'normal' people because  quite frankly people who are good in relationship choosing similar partners. Because they have choice.....'n

[Ranetka]

That means retraining a 37 yo male and a 28 yo female. Do you know the odds of such training to happen?
 
Besides, he has to ask himself if this is what to expect for the duration of their marriage: Alina, can you do this? Alina, can you do that?
 

 
See where I'm heading to?

1. It's never too late to learn.
2. Someone has to start communications, i'd give her the same advice.

[BillyB]

It's been over 24 hours. Where's jmana? Did he land himself in jail? Did Alina put him in the hospital? Is he too busy to be here because he's scheduling a flight for Alina and daughter back to Russia or is he currently heading to Vegas to do a quickie wedding? Enquiring minds want to know!

[jmana]

It's been over 24 hours. Where's jmana? Did he land himself in jail? Did Alina put him in the hospital? Is he too busy to be here because he's scheduling a flight for Alina and daughter back to Russia or is he currently heading to Vegas to do a quickie wedding? Enquiring minds want to know!

Haha, I'm still here    Something occurred to me Thursday night that has made me take a step back and try not to over react to all this.  What I realized is that I think she is just painfully shy when it comes to anything physical regarding relationships.  And to make things worse I can't say I'm the most forward when it comes to it either, I've always dated women who made it blatantly obvious when they wanted to be kissed, laid, etc....  So this is a whole different ballgame for me.  Last night there was no computer, it wasn't even downstairs, so that was good.  She said she wanted to watch a Russian movie so she could read a book at the same time (I've noticed she can't JUST watch a movie, she always has to be doing something else), so we watched Day Watch and she even sat with me the whole time.  So maybe there's hope, but I just have to be very, very patient.  Either way I am going to have a talk with her this weekend about the sleeping arrangements, because that needs to be discussed ASAP, because if she thinks sleeping with her daughter is a permanent thing then she can pack her bags now.

[Ade]

Haha, I'm still here    Something occurred to me Thursday night that has made me take a step back and try not to over react to all this.  What I realized is that I think she is just painfully shy when it comes to anything physical regarding relationships.  And to make things worse I can't say I'm the most forward when it comes to it either, I've always dated women who made it blatantly obvious when they wanted to be kissed, laid, etc....  So this is a whole different ballgame for me.  Last night there was no computer, it wasn't even downstairs, so that was good.  She said she wanted to watch a Russian movie so she could read a book at the same time (I've noticed she can't JUST watch a movie, she always has to be doing something else), so we watched Day Watch and she even sat with me the whole time.  So maybe there's hope, but I just have to be very, very patient.  Either way I am going to have a talk with her this weekend about the sleeping arrangements, because that needs to be discussed ASAP, because if she thinks sleeping with her daughter is a permanent thing then she can pack her bags now.

A true romantic and a match made in heaven.

 

[jmana]

A true romantic and a match made in heaven.

 

You know, if you can't add anything constructive, then keep you comments to yourself please.

[Ade]

You know, if you can't add anything constructive, then keep you comments to yourself please.

Don't be a hypocrite all of your life Jmana. If you need that word explained, just ask.

But, if you realy want some constructive advice how about this; give up on this relationship but be nice about it - it failed before it started and that's at least as much your fault as hers, probably a lot more so. Get her back to her home town, give her some cash to tide her over and be nice about it. Take some relationship coaching and get some therapy too - it's pretty damn obvious to any halfway normal person here that your human interaction skills are seriously flawed so perhaps these will help. And give up on desperate women from the FSU - seriously, you'll train wreck anyway, it'll just take a little longer and be a lot more expensive.

[jmana]

Don't be a hypocrite all of your life Jay. If you need that word explained, just ask.

I know what a hypocrite is.  I also know what a troll is, and you seem to fit that description.  Coming here and just posting one insult after another.  Now I see why so many people here dislike you.

[Ade]

I know what a hypocrite is.  I also know what a troll is, and you seem to fit that description.  Coming here and just posting one insult after another.  Now I see why so many people here dislike you.

Dude, your whole story is insulting, insulting to the poor woman and child you dragged to the US, and insulting to the intelligence of any person reading it. We should report you to the immigration dept for misusing the K1 and effectively lying on your application.

[Gator]

We should report you to the immigration dept for misusing the K1 and effectively lying on your application.

This is your style.  You have attempted to interfere directly in other relationships discussed at RWD which you do not like.  Who made you God and enforcer?


I imagine if your best friend (if you have one) parked in a no parking zone, you would call the police to report him.

[Gator]

Take some relationship coaching and get some therapy too - it's pretty damn obvious to any halfway normal person here that your human interaction skills are seriously flawed so perhaps these will help.

Pot....kettle.....black

[pitbull]

Don't be a hypocrite all of your life Jmana. If you need that word explained, just ask.

But, if you realy want some constructive advice how about this; give up on this relationship but be nice about it - it failed before it started and that's at least as much your fault as hers, probably a lot more so. Get her back to her home town, give her some cash to tide her over and be nice about it. Take some relationship coaching and get some therapy too - it's pretty damn obvious to any halfway normal person here that your human interaction skills are seriously flawed so perhaps these will help. And give up on desperate women from the FSU - seriously, you'll train wreck anyway, it'll just take a little longer and be a lot more expensive.

Plus a million.


Jmana, this is the best advice you've ever got on RWD, if you have a modicum of conscience and at least some gray matter in you skull - do exactly what Ade said.

[pitbull]

Dude, your whole story is insulting, insulting to the poor woman and child you dragged to the US, and insulting to the intelligence of any person reading it. We should report you to the immigration dept for misusing the K1 and effectively lying on your application.

He definitely should be featured on Antidate

[Gator]

You know, if you can't add anything constructive, then keep you comments to yourself please.

When you discuss your story on a public forum, you should expect anything.  RWD has many critics; fortunately, most critics here offer constructive advice with their criticism.  A few seem so negative that they can not see any possible outcome but doom.


Whatever, you can not stop people from making critical remarks.  Try to ignore as difficult as that is.  Even better is to analyze their comments closely and determine if there is some element of truth.  This board gives you ideas, plenty of ideas.  It is your responsibility to read all and then decide what course of action is best.  You know far more about your relationship and yourself than any of us.

[Ade]

This is your style.  You have attempted to interfere directly in other relationships discussed at RWD which you do not like.  Who made you God and enforcer?


I imagine if your best friend (if you have one) parked in a no parking zone, you would call the police to report him.

Oh, you don't like that? And here was me thinking that was the recent approved trend to interfere with people's real lives.

[Ade]

Pot....kettle.....black

There are many that would disagree... But then I never have placed you as someone that would be a good judge of that.

[Gator]

What I realized is that I think she is just painfully shy when it comes to anything physical regarding relationships.  And to make things worse I can't say I'm the most forward when it comes to it either, I've always dated women who made it blatantly obvious when they wanted to be kissed, laid, etc....  So this is a whole different ballgame for me.

We told you before that even the adventurous and lively RW expect the man to take the lead.

Last night there was no computer, it wasn't even downstairs, so that was good.  She said she wanted to watch a Russian movie so she could read a book at the same time (I've noticed she can't JUST watch a movie, she always has to be doing something else), so we watched Day Watch and she even sat with me the whole time.

No one can read a book and watch a movie simultaneously.  Maybe Alina does not like films?  And watching films is no way to get your relationship on track.  All it does it delay, plus possibly bore if not annoy Alina if she does not like films.

If you like films, please recognize that you are in the middle of your own film.  You can control the plot.  However, all you have now are the two main actors sitting in silence.  Also, Alina likes fantasies and she is in her own fantasy.

Either way I am going to have a talk with her this weekend about the sleeping arrangements, because that needs to be discussed ASAP, because if she thinks sleeping with her daughter is a permanent thing then she can pack her bags now.

Too soon considering where you are and the possibility that both of you are socially awkward.  Instead, I suggest the following:

Alina likes writing fantasy stories.  Ask her to write a story about Alina and jmana and your two children.  How they got where they are today, and where she sees it going.  Then have a long conversation about what she wrote without being critical of her.

[jone]

Gator,

I, personally, really appreciate what you are trying to do here.  But sometimes, no matter how much the op posts that he is trying to make something out of nothing, the merciful answer is to end it, quickly and decisively.

Let's assume for a minute that these two were able to get past this first period and ignite a small flame of attraction.  At some point, with the maturity these two have demonstrated, they are only prolonging a time where one of them cannot cope with the other.  Add in the tribulations that will still be there from a daughter who is not receiving the attention she deserves, and you have to admit that the train has already left the tracks.

While Ade is unduly harsh in his word choice, he has stated the immediate need to recognize the above and conclude the relationship.  Both of these two have some growing to do before either should engage in a relationship with another.

I see no hope in this relationship.

[Jumper]

Oh, you don't like that? And here was me thinking that was the recent approved trend to interfere with people's real lives.

That is not condoned.

[BC]

Comeon folks....

Lets try to put this all into perspective.

Are such relationships more the exception than the norm?  Or is it just 'out of the norm' around here....

Norm for MOB relationships considering 90% of those relationships are not represented here?

Just think about it and then carry on..

Heck... something got them together, they survived the K1 and K3 process and now they are now in the US.

Isn't it more than just about buying a plane ticket home?

Personally I'm quite ok with giving  choices.  How about "Listen honey, which would you prefer... building a real relationship and marrying me in a couple months or two plane tickets back to RU with 10k handed over at the boarding gate?"

It's really that simple..



 

[Ranetka]

Comeon folks....

Lets try to put this all into perspective.

Are such relationships more the exception than the norm?  Or is it just 'out of the norm' around here....

Norm for MOB relationships considering 90% of those relationships are not represented here?

Just think about it and then carry on..

Heck... something got them together, they survived the K1 and K3 process and now they are now in the US.

Isn't it more than just about buying a plane ticket home?

Personally I'm quite ok with giving  choices.  How about "Listen honey, which would you prefer... building a real relationship and marrying me in a couple months or two plane tickets back to RU with 10k handed over at the boarding gate?"

It's really that simple..

10k ? Aren't you a little bit optimistic here....