Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[Misha]

Well, since you mention it, I do have a second car, so thanks for making assumptions    And I was planning to get her driving lessons, but she needs a social security card first, and it was recommended to wait a few weeks before applying for that, so we will go there this week and take care of that.

Your comment came across as quite flippant and made it seem that you did not care a whit about her future well-being and happiness. That is not an assumption rather an interpretation of what you wrote.

[Misha]

Sorry, but I don't see how standing there watching some old guy repeat chants and hymns over and over for 4 hours "spending time as a family".

The old guy would be either the priest or the cantor. Another snarky comment that makes me think that you have zero respect for her faith and religious beliefs and culture.

Besides, I don't think she wanted me to be there because she told me twice that I could drop them off.

You do know that people do say such things even when they want you to go...

I'm assuming it's because she feels uncomfortable doing all the "stuff" in front of me, like going up and kissing the cross (after who knows how many others kissed it) and lighting the candles.  When I did go last week she waited until I went outside with Maria before she did all that stuff.

More condescension, no respect for what she holds dear...

[TheTraveler]

There is even a possibility that Alina sees the purpose of the K-1 different from Jmana, she expected that as soon as she arrived wedding preparations would start and not a 'trial period'. Which might make her wonder why the hell he does not make any effort to get married.

On the other hand: IF everything is simple, no mental issues and Alina just sees everything as a huge mistake - she won't tell that openly I am afraid. Her way will rather be...sort of a "silent strike". Like now.

really good stuff by shadow and willowtree imo.

along the lines of their posts, my theory:

he told her in russia that his was a marriage proposal.  and now that she has arrived at his home, he is showing no signs of commitment nor progress toward marriage.  she is feeling humiliated that she is being evaluated during a test drive period.  during this period, she has no freedom/independent transportation, no cash, no access to medical care for her motion sickness problem.  hell, he didn't even meet her when she arrived in the usa.  she has also declared no sex until marriage.  and while most non-virgin rw who are certain of their man's intention to marry would have long ago jumped into the sack -- she sounds too proud to put her bedroom skills up for evaluation, too.  frankly i don't blame her.

what is surreal to me is that the forum here is actually wondering whether *she* has the mental health problem?  sure, according to jmana she sounds like a head case.  but can his words be trusted?  he already lied on the k1 visa application.

i believe that alina recognizes now that it is a mistake.  she is on a 'silent strike', as willowtree so aptly phrased.  unfortunately, with only $200 in her pocket, she cannot return home until the hero decides that her evaluation period is over, and he buys her a return plane ticket.  sad.

[jmana]

The old guy would be either the priest or the cantor. Another snarky comment that makes me think that you have zero respect for her faith and religious beliefs and culture.


You do know that people do say such things even when they want you to go...


More condescension, no respect for what she holds dear...

You're right, I think organized religion of all kinds is a huge waste of time.  That said, she can do what she wants, and I'll even go occasionally, and I won't talk bad about it to her face.  But seriously, it's all just a way for a huge organization to skim money from a bunch of people.  Organized religion causes so many problems, just think how much peace there would be in the world if there were no religion

[Muzh]

I was ready to admit that she had zero feelings for me and never would and therefore we weren't compatible.  But then yesterday I was reading a book on the bed to her daughter and she came upstairs to find out where Maria was, and when she realized what was going on she smiled and was fighting back tears.  So there is something there, I just don't know how to get her to let it out.

 
Hate to tell you this pardner, but them tears were not because she was falling for you. More of pity.
 

[jmana]

really good stuff by shadow and willowtree imo.

along the lines of their posts, my theory:

he told her in russia that his was a marriage proposal.  and now that she has arrived at his home, he is showing no signs of commitment nor progress toward marriage.  she is feeling humiliated that she is being evaluated during a test drive period.  during this period, she has no freedom/independent transportation, no cash, no access to medical care for her motion sickness problem.  hell, he didn't even meet her when she arrived in the usa.  she has also declared no sex until marriage.  and while most non-virgin rw who are certain of their man's intention to marry would have long ago jumped into the sack -- she sounds too proud to put her bedroom skills up for evaluation, too.  frankly i don't blame her.

what is surreal to me is that the forum here is actually wondering whether *she* has the mental health problem?  sure, according to jmana she sounds like a head case.  but can his words be trusted?  he already lied on the k1 visa application.

i believe that alina recognizes now that it is a mistake.  she is on a 'silent strike', as willowtree so aptly phrased.  unfortunately, with only $200 in her pocket, she cannot return home until the hero decides that her evaluation period is over, and he buys her a return plane ticket.  sad.

If she would tell me she wants to go home, I'd buy her a ticket home for the next flight out no questions asked.  It's not like I'm holding her hostage or something. 

[Misha]

I won't talk bad about it to her face. 

People are quite adept at sensing disdain even if you don't say it to their faces.

But seriously, it's all just a way for a huge organization to skim money from a bunch of people.  Organized religion causes so many problems, just think how much peace there would be in the world if there were no religion

There is nothing wrong with your beliefs, but I do not quite understand why you did not check for compatibility when it came to religion...

[jmana]

People are quite adept at sensing disdain even if you don't say it to their faces.



There is nothing wrong with your beliefs, but I do not quite understand why you did not check for compatibility when it came to religion...

I'm compatible with anyone who isn't a complete religious nut or a staunch athiest.  Anyone who is in the middle I would say I'm compatible with. 

[Misha]

I'm compatible with anyone who isn't a complete religious nut or a staunch athiest.  Anyone who is in the middle I would say I'm compatible with.

Would you define someone who goes to church once a week a religious nut? It seems to me that Alina may fall under your classification of religious "nut"...

[jmana]

Would you define someone who goes to church once a week a religious nut? It seems to me that Alina may fall under your classification of religious "nut"...

No, I would classify someone that gives 10% of their pretax income to the church, who throws their hands up in the air and yells "praise Jesus" during service, and/or talks in tongues or doesn't believe in evolution to be a religious nut. 

[Shadow]

If she would tell me she wants to go home, I'd buy her a ticket home for the next flight out no questions asked.  It's not like I'm holding her hostage or something.

During the first stages MrsShadow was holding her return tickets with enough money to pay for a date change should she decide to need it. She was stupif enough to let the return date pass... 

[Muzh]

The one on the left is Jmana.
 

[Ranetka]

really good stuff by shadow and willowtree imo.

along the lines of their posts, my theory:

he told her in russia that his was a marriage proposal.  and now that she has arrived at his home, he is showing no signs of commitment nor progress toward marriage.  she is feeling humiliated that she is being evaluated during a test drive period.  during this period, she has no freedom/independent transportation, no cash, no access to medical care for her motion sickness problem.  hell, he didn't even meet her when she arrived in the usa.  she has also declared no sex until marriage.  and while most non-virgin rw who are certain of their man's intention to marry would have long ago jumped into the sack -- she sounds too proud to put her bedroom skills up for evaluation, too.  frankly i don't blame her.

what is surreal to me is that the forum here is actually wondering whether *she* has the mental health problem?  sure, according to jmana she sounds like a head case.  but can his words be trusted?  he already lied on the k1 visa application.

i believe that alina recognizes now that it is a mistake.  she is on a 'silent strike', as willowtree so aptly phrased.  unfortunately, with only $200 in her pocket, she cannot return home until the hero decides that her evaluation period is over, and he buys her a return plane ticket.  sad.

+1

[Willowtree]

what is surreal to me is that the forum here is actually wondering whether *she* has the mental health problem?  sure, according to jmana she sounds like a head case.  but can his words be trusted?

I can tell why I am wondering, and re words trusted.
(Gonna be long and nerdy - sorry in advance. You accidentally got me in the mood for a little jabber.)

Yes I can make suggestions (! not conclusions or even assumptions!) only on the basis of what Jmana says, as this is the only information available.

But I bet you have come across things which are ...how to phrase... Most probably genuine - because of being so bizarre

Should a man for some reason need to invent a story about woman's obsession as an excuse for dumping her (NB: no reference to Jmana and /or Alina personally!), he could have featured a much more life-like object of obsession. E.g. shopaholism, drugs or inacceptable sexual practices. "Adult" things. As we are talking a woman approaching 30, with a child.

In the particular story we heard, the object is Japanese anime fan fiction involving alien tennis players in the space.

To me, as a lie, this anime story loses - hardly plausible, = not reaching its goal of convincing anyone.
I am much more accepting of it as a piece of truth. Cause it is so unexpectedly bizarre - and I know no better fiction thriller than real life.

That was the logic if you ask me. IMHO.

BTW your interpretation was well-built, appreciated.

[Muzh]

I can tell why I am wondering, and re words trusted.
(Gonna be long and nerdy - sorry in advance. You accidentally got me in the mood for a little jabber.)

Yes I can make suggestions (! not conclusions or even assumptions!) only on the basis of what Jmana says, as this is the only information available.

But I bet you have come across things which are ...how to phrase... Most probably genuine - because of being so bizarre

Should a man for some reason need to invent a story about woman's obsession as an excuse for dumping her (NB: no reference to Jmana and /or Alina personally!), he could have featured a much more life-like object of obsession. E.g. shopaholism, drugs or inacceptable sexual practices. "Adult" things. As we are talking a woman approaching 30, with a child.

In the particular story we heard, the object is Japanese anime fan fiction involving alien tennis players in the space.

To me, as a lie, this anime story loses - hardly plausible, = not reaching its goal of convincing anyone.
I am much more accepting of it as a piece of truth. Cause it is so unexpectedly bizarre - and I know no better fiction thriller than real life.

That was the logic if you ask me. IMHO.

Actually, Misha nailed it on the head that our hero is full of excuses. He even has an excuse for his excuses.

[Shadow]

Actually, Misha nailed it on the head that our hero is full of excuses. He even has an excuse for his excuses.

Muzh, like Ade you seem to thrive on pointing out what you perceive as shortcomings of the poster, instead of trying to address his message and serving him with advise.
Would you mind adding nothing if all you have to add is negativity about someone?

[Wayne]

The Superbowl was very boring, being so lopsided! A college basketball game might be an idea. Hire a baby sitter and go just the two of you.  A lot more action and usually closer scores.
 
Unless you have lived with an imotionally impaired person, you can't possibly know what it is like. I think willow tree is offering good advise.

[Muzh]

Muzh, like Ade you seem to thrive on pointing out what you perceive as shortcomings of the poster, instead of trying to address his message and serving him with advise.
Would you mind adding nothing if all you have to add is negativity about someone?

Do you mind adding anything besides pointing fingers at others? Well, duh! We all do it, no?
 
Sorry, I was not into the tom tom gathering around the campfire.
 
The man has no business in ruining this RW's life. Or any other woman for that matter.
 
Here's my bestest advice to him, your holy highness.
 
Jmana, go find yourself a good shrink and figure out the world does not revolve around you. Learn how to interact with other human beings and MAYBE you'll be able to have a relationship with a significant other. Right now you are the engine on the left.

[Willowtree]

If she would tell me she wants to go home, I'd buy her a ticket home for the next flight out no questions asked.

The problem is - she likely won't tell!

Putting the mental health theme aside so far. For her asking to go home = admitting she is a loser. To herself, you, and everyone back home.

[Willowtree]

Actually, Misha nailed it on the head that our hero is full of excuses. He even has an excuse for his excuses.

Oh well. Yes I do believe in excuses. They can be invented or picked from the real world.
Where a pile of excuses is being formed - notning constructive is to be expected, in my sad opinion. That shall be overturned, if results are wanted.

...I was trying to refrain from definite statements but not I will say.

Jmana,

As far as I am concerned -  at this point and with the info provided, I see nothing making me convinced about you and Alina working it out well within the timeframe available - if changes are not introduced.

Actions are needed. Some seem to be already underway or at least planned for - great. IMO, all that should be done - at least to know that you have done your best. At most - time will tell. Soon enough.

[Muzh]

The problem is - she likely won't tell!

Putting the mental health theme aside so far. For her asking to go home = admitting she is a loser. To herself, you, and everyone back home.

Try to explain it in a way he will see it as it revolves around him so he will make the right choice and tell her she is going back home.

[Willowtree]

Try to explain it in a way he will see it as it revolves around him so he will make the right choice and tell her she is going back home.

Well he can SUGGEST that if she sees all as mistake, is unhappy in all ways, and going home will solve it (not "you are going home"!!) - she is free to go.

In no way should she take it as being thrown out.

I am not certain how he can ensure that she does not. Careful choice of words?.. Will that be enough tho? (too deep a resentment, estrangement, or whatever it is)

Jeez I forgot the main thing.
She is free to go because he CARES about THEM both (with daughter). And does not want them to be/feel unhappy.
But he will miss them. (If that is not true, no need to add it.)

Her response should tell something. If any....

This is - if Jmana is interested in the response, changing something, and keeping the woman and the child.
If he is interested in seeing them off - it's just the tickets I am afraid. And dealing with the inner voice later.

[Shadow]

Do you mind adding anything besides pointing fingers at others? Well, duh! We all do it, no?
 
Sorry, I was not into the tom tom gathering around the campfire.
 
The man has no business in ruining this RW's life. Or any other woman for that matter.
 
Here's my bestest advice to him, your holy highness.
 
Jmana, go find yourself a good shrink and figure out the world does not revolve around you. Learn how to interact with other human beings and MAYBE you'll be able to have a relationship with a significant other. Right now you are the engine on the left.

You would do better to actually read what I post instead of feeling caught with your hands in the cookie jar and giving a knee-jerk reaction as result. You might see that we are only apart on delivery.

[Muzh]

You would do better to actually read what I post instead of feeling caught with your hands in the cookie jar and giving a knee-jerk reaction as result. You might see that we are only apart on delivery.

Sure.

[jone]

While I don't feel that the guy has any more problems than your average guy who is dealing with something he can't understand, there is no easy way to end a relationship so that feelings are not bruised.  My observation is that the longer the woman is entrenched, the more difficulty he will have in relocating her back to St. Pete's.

I have evicted former girlfriends before (although none that I was sending back to Russia).  The best way is to present her with tickets and cash and essentially say that this is not going to work.  Seeing the tickets insures the finality of it. 

Like a tick that burrows under the skin, the longer you leave it there, the bigger its gonna get.