Caught her cheating

[Maxx2]

To me the USCIS system of granting VAWA based greencards based on the "evidence" of a protective order is a joke. P.Os are handed out like flyers at the shopping mall. I know it and they know it. 

I found this story

I too was falsely accused of verbal (unverifiable) abuse by my now "ex" just because she wanted a "green card

She met a man from work and spent several nights at his home.  When I finally was able to contact her at work to ask her what was going on, she told me to stop "harassing" her.  So I thought that was that and decided to file for divorce.  Even though I never contacted her after that telephone call, some man came to my home and served me with a "restraining order" claiming that I "verbally" abused her.

 When I went to court on the restraining order, the bailiff told me to sign a document that I had no legal representation and neither had my wife   There were 23 cases that day and our case was the last of 23   The judge granted 22 out of the 23 cases that day, the only one not "approved" was a woman filing a restraining order on another woman.   The restraining orders against men were all "granted".

   When my case, the last one of the day, was called, I was surprised to see that I was alone, but my "ex" was surrounded by female attorneys.  When I asked the "pro temp" judge about it, she told me these attorneys were merely "friends of the court ".  So, what was I  an enemy of the court?

 They told her what to do, what to say and even where to look (don't look at him, look at me)   Wow, talk about trying to "control " someone.

 Anyway, after all the restraining order was granted.   What a surprise.   And on what basis?

No evidence

No doctors reports of abuse

No emergency room visits

No neighbors' testimony

No friends' testimony

No police reports

No nothing.

 I even told the judge that this person had "used" our marriage and now accused me of some kind of "abuse" to get a green card and that I was sure that she will take the restraining order directly to INS to obtain her permanent status   The judge, a female, granted the restraining order, so I complained to the INS and asked how to withdraw my "support" for immigrant documents.   They asked me to come in and told me that my "ex" had come to them with the restraining order and that no matter what I do, she will not be deported. He said it was because their "hands are tied" because of protests from Pro-Immigrant political groups and that unless she commits a felony, it doesn't matter that she committed perjury in a US court of law.

 Incredible; I plan post my story somewhere in order to let others know about what I went through. It is interesting to me to watch "legal" programs on TV now and to see that a wife or husband uses a "restraining order" to try to "prove" his or her case. When they do, I always say to myself that it carries no merit because it takes no evidence (at least n my case) to obtain a restraining order in the first place.

Jonathan

[Stirlitz]

Maxx, what is a protective order and what is a restraining one?

[Maxx2]

Both of are the same thing. They are called by other names as well depending what State or country they are issued in. I can't remember them all. I heard some unusual names for them from the guys I have talked to from Ireland and Australia.

Protective orders, as they are called in my State, came into being sometime in the '80s. The women's advocates pushed that this new "law enforcement tool" become Nationwide law. They didn't stop there. They traveled and met with like minded feminists (both men and women) to get something similar going in their countries. This took off in English speaking nations. My understanding it was a lesser success in Europe and a complete "failure" in the FSU.

The awful thing about protective orders is that in most cases a charge of "domestic abuse" or "domestic violence" DV, goes along with it. This carries an enormous stigma attached to it to the person charged with it. In reality it is very easy in any relationship that is rocky or even argumentative for a man to be charged with DV and receive the label of "abuser" or "have a history of domestic abuse". The smearing of men's reputations based on frivolous charges and for motives such as getting Greencards, increased alimony payments, occupancy of the house, custody of the children etc. do not seem to matter to feminist. I think they are rather pleased about this especially when it happens to men who marry, using their terminology. "Mail order brides".

Maxx

[William3rd]

CA has its DV temporary orders. Allows for emergency orders to be filed. My ex filed them to prevent me from calling her mother to discuss her behavior. Invalid bc mom lived in Thailand.

calls for a hearing by the next available court date which is usually about 20 days out.

Judge doesnt usually read the request, just signs and has it served.

The hearing date is when you get to put on your case. If she meets the burden of proof orders can be filed that affect you for three years, prevent the possession of firearms, and other such nonsense.

The pendulum has swung too far. . .  it needs to start swinging back to the middle again.

THese cases may help someday.

Hey- did Happyness come back? He had a court date yesterday, didnt he? What happened to him?

His actions thus far had weakened his position. . .. .

[Maxx2]

Yesterday was a day of mourning for President Ford so perhaps his trial was postponed? Happiness has a way of coming and going. We might find some of the details out in 6 months or so.

It rather irritates me that even this dropped stuff (I assume it was dropped) like what happened to William has to be disclosed on the signup form of a marriage agency. Even charges that were dropped, overtuned or exonerated have to be disclosed to a woman before contact. What a way to start out a coorespondance!

Maxx

[Stirlitz]

Maxx, I am sorry but I am still having trouble trying to grasp what a restraining/protective order is and how it works for you. I understand it is some kind of limitations imposed on you, perhaps like felony charges, but I am interested in the details. Could you please bear with me and explain. If it is issued for me what does it mean for me (suppose I am an AM) both in the long-term and short-term. Thank you.

[TexasBoar]

Stirlitz, a protective/restraining order simply makes someone subject to arrest if they try to contact you or come within a certain distance (say, 100 yards/meters) of you.

William could address it more specifically, but a temporary one, to my understanding, is issued prior to a court hearing and lasts until reviewed by a judge.  If the judge rules in favor of the order, it's then permanent---for example, many Hollywood celebrities have had this type of order issued against stalkers or obsessed fans.

In a DV case, basically it provides a cause for arrest short of the guy actually hitting her---the cops here can't arrest someone until they actually DO something, so it's kind of like creating a law to break . . . if a woman feels threatened by an ex, that's enough to have one issued. 

~Boar

[prince_alfie]

Considering that if many think that PO/RO's aren't as useful for preventing abusive relationships, what would be a more effective method would you say?

Personally, it's cultural from my viewpoint. I seriously believe that being a good example to stand against a culture of power struggle is the way to go.

[Turboguy]

Here in Pennsylvania we call them PFA's which stands for protection from abuse.    They are issued in various terms of time up to 18 months.    The short version terms listed on the PFA petition list the following

a.  Defendant can not abuse, threaten, harass or stalk the plantiff
b.  Defendant must leave residence of plaintiff and can not enter any residence of the plantiff
c.  Defendant can not have contact with plaintiff and/or minor children in person, by phone or letter or using a third person
d.  No contact with any relative of the defendant.

Basically the defendant has to stay 500 feet away from the plaintiff.  There is no criminal record unless it is violated and if someone violates it they supposedly will be arrested.

There was a question raised about does it do any good.  I don't think it does much good.  I have heard of lots of people killed by someone they had a protective order against.

I have one experience with it and had to get one against a women I dated several years ago.   This gal was so wild that at the hearing they had to have her surrounded with cops.  The day I got the PFA against her she called at least 4 times after it was issued.  I think it can help but it is not a real solution to the problem.   

[William3rd]

During the duration of the order, even if temporary orders, if you violate the terms of the order, you can be, and usually are, immediately arrested and booked for the violation. Criminal charges are filed based on the Penal Code Violation. . . .

I usually tell clients who I have gotten restraining orders for that they need to use common sense. To parade up to a defendent waiving your piece of paper talking trash is a quick way to go to the hospital. TROs cant stop a fist. . . . Just quietly call the cops when the guy is in violation and, of course, that you cant go to where he is to have a violation

[Maxx2]

Below is a current situation with a man married to a Belarussian woman. I will probably get a call from him today. I will say that this guy is speaking straight from the heart and pouring out his soul in a very rare unguarded fashon. It's an interesting read. I may invite him to this board. I hope you are supportive to him as where he is at they are giving him grief about "buying love" and "importing women" and so on. We all know it is not like that. We should all understand.



I hear much here and elsewhere about women being the victim, but I am here to tell you "Men" too are victims and in my case I am trhe victim of Green Card Marriage Fraud, whcih has not only destroyed everything I worked to accomplish for almost 4 years, but may well be the death of me, as it has ripped out my heart and soul.

In early Sept 2002 I began emailing to a beautiful Belarussian widow who said she was coming here to California to visit on a B-2 Tourist Visa. I later found out it was not Oksana I was communicating with, but her girlfriend and orchestrator of their plan "Sveta". I was later told that I was one of 20 dates Sveta had arranged, but that it was Sveta's idea, not hers, that she had a son waiting for her in Belarus

Anyway, I met then Oksana in early Oct 2002..took her to dinner and although she spoke next to no English, I was smitten, the moment I touched her hand...I remember the very moment I began to love her. Days and a few weeks went by, we saw each other and talked using the translator on my computer. She told me she loved me, wanted to be with me, to marry me and build a life with me, but I had to make up my mind because otherwise, she had to go with friends to Colorado. I have never had a Visa or been out of the USA and certainly new nothing about the immigration process. All I knew was that I believe God had sent her to me and that after all the loss and hurt in my life, that I was being given a chance to start a new life with a wonderful woman like no other I had ever seen or been with.

She moved in with me in late October 2002 and we began the grueling immigration process…I did all the documents, beginning with getting her Visa extended and in May 2003 we were married. I was not and am not a rich man…money was tight but I managed to start giving her money ($3-400 a month) to send home for her parents, who were taking care of her son while we went through the process of getting her legal and bringing her son her to join us in our new life together. Gifts for friends and family, money to girlfriends in trouble back home, phone bills, clothes, things, going to parties at her friends from Belarus…all this and more and more and more I did for her and while I did complain from time to time because it was all on me and she could not work, I did because I loved her and felt I owed her everything I could do because she had chosen me, to be with me while her son waited for us in Belarus. I was her husband…my life’s blood is hers…even now a part of me feels that.

So time passed and during the 3.3 years that we were married I took her to school to learn English, paid for driving lessons to learn to drive and bought her a car, helped her get her Real Estate License, establish credit in her own name and so many other things that a husband should do for his wife…whatever she wanted and needed, not least of this being doing all the immigration documents, fees and all the things a Sponsor must do to get his wife and her son legal in the USA, including paying for her to go home to visit, even though I went further and further into debt and often felt used and taken advantage of like some kind of mule she was riding up the hill. This was okay, I only complained a little..it is how it is for us men..our women want and need and Must Have..as mine put it and making sure she got what made her happy was more important than my having things like clothes and finishing getting my teeth fixed.. I wanted her to have better and to be proud of me and to be her White Knight. Never doubt me when I say how I grew to love her more and more. It blinded me to her use and abuse…it blinded me to her going to Vegas with her girlfriends and the phone calls that included to Russian men she said were just friends. She said she loved me and would never betray me and I thought everything would get better when her son got here.

So finally in Nov 2005, we got her son approved and she went to get him in December. I spent Christmas alone but felt good knowing my wife and son would soon be with me and we would get on with our lives. They arrived the 1st of January 2006. The boy was shy I thought and this being a new environment with a new home and stepfather, I tried to spoil him and draw him close. He wanted computer, I got it for him, he wanted and IPod, I got it for me..his own room was waiting..I even bought him a really nice bike he rode maybe 10 times. Enrolled him in school and was there as a father should be when another boy stole his IPod and I got it back for him. I have a daughter from a previous marriage..she too was thrilled thinking she would have a brother and I tried taking us to do fun stuff like going to ride Go Carts and Skating and Bowling, but the boy was always distant, would never really join in…he mostly wanted to hid in his room on the compuer..his My Space. But I accepted this and that with time he would and we all would find our way. I didn’t know it then but he knew what his mother was planning.

Summer School came and because there was no bus, I picked him up everyday..him and his new friends. Money was tight but we were making it and I felt everything was going to be alright with time. Yes it bothered me he wouldn’t talk much to me and the last day of Summer School was no different..I thought.

In late June 2006 we went for our 2 year interview at BCIS to remove the conditions to/for her Permanent Green Card. It was a great day, we told each other we loved each other and would stick together through thick or thin and make our lives work. If there was anything wrong, she didn’t say so and certainly said nothing at the interview, which we got through with no problems.. we make a great couple..at least I thought so.

On August 4, 2006, I picked the Boy up from his last day of Summer School, dropped him off and went to work. Later, I came home from work about 8:30pm. Aksana (we changed her name from Oksana to Aksana) had dinner ready, we ate and everything seemed to be fine. The boy even ate with us, although he often ate earlier or wanted to eat in his room and watch TV..I had even gotten him the Sports Channels because he’s such a sports fan.

Aksana did seem in a hurry to get done with dinner..I told her, hold on Honey, I am not done yet. Anyway, we finished, she did the dishes and said, let’s go to bed and watch a movie. I had been having a serious tooth ache and between the pain pills and being tired from work, it sounded like a good idea. I don’t remember what we watched, I fell asleep within minutes.

Then about 2am I woke up to see she was up. I asked “What’s wrong honey..said, I have a stomache ache..I asked do you want me to get something for you..my tooth hurts too and I will get us both something..she said no and I layed back down. A few moments later she was their on the edge of the bed with a glass of water…she said here. And told me they ware sleeping pills to help me sleep. I am not sure where she got them, I suspect Sveta gave them to her to give to me. My last words were “Thank you baby for being so sweet to me” and I fell back to sleep.

In the morning I woke, she was not there but I didn’t think anything of it until I went in the living room and saw stuff from our SUV on the floor..an SUV she talked me into buying a few months before and which I traded our car in for. We put it in her name to further establish her credit..I thought.

Anyway, suddenly I am calling out Aksana..Aksana…I go look in the boys room, all his stuff is gone, his computer is gone, all her stuff is gone, they are gone, including stranding me because she took our only car. I call her again and again on her cell phone, but no answer. Call her friends…. they know nothing but the cell phone bills show dozens of calls before and after to her network of friends. Dozens of calls from Sveta that night as she packed to run.

I was hysterical…weeping..crying..crying out…panicked , not understanding what happened and why. I later found out that she had gone and closed our joint account at the bank and basically left me broke, broken, stranded without a word from her. I called everyone and they began not answering as they were told not to by Aksana.

Later that week the leasing officed called me saying she wanted off the lease and as the days and weeks progressed I received one notice after another saying she had moved her accounts to Sveta’s husband (the ex-****o attoney office..he was the facilitator of this plan..the money). I am so stupid that I suspected nothing when the Boy asked for bland CDs, but later found he had wiped all information off the other computer in our bedroom that Aksana used to further cover their tracks. And of course, she took every Immigration Document, our all copies of our Marriage Certificate, my birth Certificate and documents I don’t even know about because I let her pay the bills (I gave her the money for). The list is so long, I don’t even know how deep, dark, well planned and for how long “they” were preparing for this. She even took my jewelry along with all the jewelry I bought for her.

I called and called and wrote emails, begging her to talk to me. Yes I cried and am still crying. For my birthday on August 18th I got a birthday card from Aksana that only said “Good Luck” Aksana, Yan. Then in my mail box there was a note that said:
Quit calling me
Quit calling my friends
Quit calling my family
I am filing for divorce
My representative will be in contact with you
Aksana

Then on the day after my birthday, the was a knock on the door, I was served with divorce papers stating she wanted a divorce for Irreconcilable Differences, that she wanted Spousal Support, for me to pay her attorney and to pay all her credit cards and for her car. I couldn’t work and thank god for my friends who loaned me money to pay the bills and get another car. I even put money in her account for 3 months from that borrowed money because I didn’t want to believe what everyone was saying and that she was done with me. I wanted to believe I had done something..that it was all my fault and that my precious Aksana would come back to me if I fixed whatever was wrong…whatever I did to make her do this.

Now, 4 months and 5 days later, I still sleep on the couch because I have nightmares and wake thinking she is there or worse. Yes I weep everyday..I have no choice, I have to get the pain out in order to just breath and yes, I have thought about dying because my life seems over, but I can’t give up, I have a daughter who my death would devastate.

She has never spoken to me since, never answered my many calls to her cell phone or even returned the call from the Priest at the church we went to once. Wouldn’t call my brother back, wouldn’t talk to anyone, especially me and to this day I have no explanation of why she has done this except her actions.

I have heard she and the boy are now living in Laguna Beach with her friend and co-conspirator Sveta, that she is going out and having fun while her Atttorney,,the ex roommate of Sveta’s husband prepares their next attack upon me.

I don’t have the money for an attorney. I am living on borrowed money even now while I try to find my way moment to moment, day to day and make up my mind to live.

I paid document preparer to prepare my Response to her divorce petition where I contested her request of Spousal Support, Attorney Fees and for me to pay her credit cards which are mostly her trips and of course the Jeep she has.

I feel sure she has now killed whatever love she may have had for me enough now that she will proceed to finishing murdering me and our marriage. Yes, I did call BCIS and tell them what happened but they don’t care and won’t until she begins what I expect will be her attempt at benefits, which of course I will be held accountable since I was the Sponsor.

I am being told to Amend my Response quickly. To ask for an Annulment of the marriage based on Fraud, that she married me to get a Green Card, but here is the sickest part, I still love Aksana and yes..the Boy, who I see on My Space dressed like a hoodlum Rapper with a mask on saying United States F--- You. He has even erased any comment that he was once in Riverside, but had come straight from Belarus to Laguna Beach.

I know Sveta is busy introducing her to rich men and Aksana is busy looking for a man to give her everything she wants and I could not give her. Maybe I should take out a life insurance policy and go drown in the pool, as there is no one out there to hear me, let alone help me, but at least God and the few who read this will know what happened to this foolish man who thought he could find happiness with such a woman. Hell, I don’t even have many friends left, since all my friends were her Russian friends who I am now being shown were never my friends…they just ate my food and accepted presents and were part of my life while Aksana was working her way through her plan.

There is no doubt that this that has been done to me is nothing short of murder. That only the same kind of heart that would murder a spouse that they claimed to love, would do what has been done to me. I also see there really is no justice in the world or at least don’t know where to turn for it.

That is my story and it’s not over

[William3rd]

Damn dude- you are out in my area. Not the first time I have seen this story. . . . . .

The words that sum it all up- the White Knight.

Annulment will be tough since it is a "long term" marriage-for the purposes of an annulment. You need more than just cause you think so. What court is the case filed in? In Riverside? doesnt sound like she made residency in another county.

I would like to use that email story, though.

[Maxx2]

I just talked with him. He may respond to this post.

Maxx

[happiness]

An update - we went to court on Jan. 2 and the Special Master has not issued his judgement yet.  So the temporary PFA is still in effect until a judgement is issued.

Maxx - I really sympathize (or is that empathize?) with the White Knight story and his Aksana, but I hope you won't push this guy too much right now.  I see so many parallels in his story and my own, but I have just started therapy myself and it will be a long time before I can ever open myself to the public scrutiny of a full life story.  Let this man have his time to grieve and get over the hurt before he gets ripped to shreds on these boards.

[William3rd]

Happiness- what about a blow by blow?

What was your case and what was hers?

A Reader's Digest version is fine. What did she put up and what did you put up? Avoid any aspersions-she might be reading. PM if you like

[Louie]

Every time I hear one of these horror stories I just cringe, and have to think is this the right thing to do? there is so much excellent information and advise here, but once the heart takes over, it seems like the all common sence is thrown right out the window. I know you need to be on gaurd and look for red flags, but when do you allow yourself to fall in love?

[William3rd]

Unfortunately, love is blind in many cases. If even one person opens their eyes by seeing some common factors in their own situation and are saved the heartbreak of an unfaithful and insincere spouse as a result, then this section is all worth it.

I wish I had read half of this stuff. It probably wouldnt have opened my eyes bc my little ho was a great actress and always thinking ahead.

BIggest problem I had was giving her reasonable doubt until near the end.

[Louie]

That's what I'm talking about William, you get a good actress and she plays you, one day she just walks up to you and slams her fist into your chest and pulls out your still beating heart! and just stand there watching it beat, asking yourself, WTF, did I do something wrong, it must be my fault, I should have paid more attention, blah, blah, blah

[William3rd]

Not much you can do except post the results so that others can learn about what was done. . . .

It took a month or so just to figure out what was really happening. I also began preparations to get back into the saddle right away. A little more cautious than the last time.

If there was anything that I could have done differently it would have been to take more time than I did. Some of her play would have surfaced if I left her overseas longer. . .

TAKE your time. . . .  a year is good. 18 months is better. 6 visits of a week or better. Meet the family, talk to them-with an interpreter if needed. Find out what they are all about. . . . .

[viking]

Amen.

This story was a bit hard to read. I really feel sorry for this guy. I guess when I look back at what I went through, I'm glad I am not in his shoes. Wow.

[BillyB]

Happiness,

If emotionally possible, give out as much details about what happened now and before and the red flags you missed when meeting your wife and during marriage. You're anonymous here and your story may help others truly understand why it's important to choose woman wisely with their big head and not their heart.

[Maxx2]

There is one BIG problem with posting the Red Flags in one's relationship. You get people who read this and call you a dummy and then say they would never be fooled by such a woman. That they are safe and have nothing to worry about and so on. Some of these revelations can hurt a guy's credibility even though his experience has really taught him some lessons. My belief is that if Happiness had it all over to do again he would

1) end his engagement/marriage as soon as he had any beyond a reasonable doubt evidence that his fiancee/wife was only going to give him a short term marriage.

2) Get out as cleaning as possible. That is be secretive towards her as he made his exit plan with a knowlegable lawyer. Then followed through with it with the help of alibis and witnesses. No last minute appeals with her.   



Maxx

[William3rd]

Yep- when you see clear signs- no due process, no warning, and no mercy.

In my personal situation, I had decided to hire a PI to follow her but then why should I? I had enough evidence already.

In this case, he should have sent her packing without the marriage. . .

[Maxx2]

It's the SEX that is the usual reason most of the guys stall the exit out of the marriage for as long as possible. After being sex starved during the long visa wait and all the costs once the women of their dreams get here, well... the days, the weeks amd maybe a few years go by. Meanwhile the longer their women are here the more time they have to figure their plan, establish their post-marriage network of "friends" and have a better chance to collect spousal maintanance.


Maxx   

[William3rd]

I went to our family psychologist a week after she left to get his opinion. He stated categorically that she wouldnt be back.

Women have a tendency to plan it all out in advance and prepare their nest. Men dont. Which is why men end up on couchs most of the time and women are set up with a place to live, new boyfriend, etc...

The sex was great right up until the last six weeks and then it tapered way off. . . .

Happiness probably caught her a little early before she was ready to jump. . . . .