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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 254990 times)

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Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2650 on: May 14, 2017, 05:30:50 PM »
A big Mother . . . . .
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2651 on: May 14, 2017, 05:49:39 PM »
Caption this...




OK, how the hell do we get up there?

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2652 on: May 14, 2017, 07:49:01 PM »
Screw the big propellers, this muther's going to sink anyway, strewth :(. Time for our char, let's go lads ;).
Milan's "Duomo"

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2653 on: May 14, 2017, 08:07:57 PM »
Caption this...




What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? About halfway!

* Titanic was about to sink.
Passenger: How far are we from land?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: which direction?
Captain: Down

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2654 on: May 14, 2017, 08:35:36 PM »
Caption this...




Well hell! I see the problem. Two of the props are missing a blade.

Online jone

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2655 on: May 14, 2017, 10:34:46 PM »
Probably went to the dentist.  And were inspected for cavitation.
Experience keeps a dear school but fools will learn at no other - Benjamin Franklin

Online BillyB

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2656 on: May 14, 2017, 11:35:50 PM »

"First time ever putting propellers on the rear of an airplane. Let's see how fast this hog can fly."

Online msmob

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2657 on: May 15, 2017, 02:22:55 AM »
Caption this...




Where IS the 'Diagonal Steam Trap' ?

http://www.monologues.co.uk/Seafaring/Diagonal_Steam-Trap.htm

THE DIAGONAL STEAM-TRAP
by
Crawford Howard (RIP)

"Now they built a big ship down in Harland's
She was made for to sell to the Turks-
And they called on the Yard's chief designer
To design all the engines and works.
Now finally the engines was ready
And they screwed in the very last part
An' yer man says, "Let's see how she runs, lads!"
An' bejasus! the thing wouldn't start!

So they pushed and they worked an' they footered
An' the engineers' faces got red
The designer he stood lookin' stupid
An' scratchin' the back o' his head.

But while they were fiddlin' and workin'
Up danders oul' Jimmie Dalzell
He had worked twenty years in the `Island'
And ten in the `aircraft' as well.

So he pushed and he worked and he muttered
Till he got himself through to the front
And he has a good look roun' the engine
An' he gives a few mutters and grunts,

And then he looks up at the gaffer
An' says he `Mr Smith, d'ye know?
They've left out the Diagonal Steam Trap!
How the hell d'ye think it could go?'

Now the engineer eyed the designer
The designer he looks at the `hat'
And they whispered the one to the other
Diagonal Steam Trap? What's that?'

But the Gaffer, he wouldn't admit, like
To not knowin' what this was about,
So he says `Right enough, we were stupid!
The Diagonal Steam Trap's left out!'

Now in the meantime oul' Jimmie had scarpered
Away down to throw in his boord
And the Gaffer comes up and says `Jimmy!
D'ye think we could have a wee word.

Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap?
I know it's left out - it's bad luck
But the engine shop's terrible busy
D'ye think ye could knock us one up?'

Now, oul' Jimmy was laughin' his scone off
He had made it all up for a gag
He'd seen what was stoppin' the engine -
The feed-pipe was blocked with a rag!

But he sticks the oul' hands in the pockets
An' he says `Aye, I'll give yez a han'!
I'll knock yes one up in the mornin'
An' the whole bloody thing will be grand!'

So oul' Jim starts to work the next morning
To make what he called a Steam Trap,
An oul' box an' a few bits of tubing
An' a steam gauge stuck up on the top,

An' he welds it all on to the engine
And he says to the wonderin' mob
As long as that gauge is at zero
The Steam Trap is doin' its job!'

Then he pulls the rag outa the feed pipe
An' he gives the oul' engine a try
An' bejasus! she goes like the clappers
An' oul' Jimmy remarks `That's her nye!'

Now the ship was the fastest seen ever
So they sent her away to the Turks
But they toul' them `That Steam Trap's a secret!
We're the only ones knows how it works!

But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shut
An' soon the whole story got roun'
An' the Russians got quite interested...
Them boys has their ears to the groun'!

So they sent a spy dressed as a sailor
To take photies of Jimmy's Steam Trap
And they got them all back to the Kremlin
An' they stood round to look at the snaps.

Then the head spy says `Mr Kosygin!
I'm damned if I see how that works!
So they sent him straight off to Siberia
An' they bought the whole ship from the Turks!

When they found the Steam Trap was a `cod', like,
They couldn't admit they'd been had
So they built a big factory in Moscow
To start makin' Steam Traps like mad!

Then Kosygin rings up Mr Nixon
And he says `Youse'uns thinks yez are great!
But wi' our big new Russian-made Steam Trap
Yez'll find that we've got yez all bate!'

Now oul' Nixon, he nearly went `harpic'
So he thought he'd give Harland's a call
And he dialled the engine-shop number
And of course he got sweet bugger all!

But at last the call came through to Jimmy
In the midst of a terrible hush,
`There's a call for you here, from the White House!'
Says oul' Jim, `That's a shop in Portrush!'

There's a factory outside of Seattle
Where they're turnin' out Steam Traps like Hell
It employs twenty-five thousand workers
And the head of it... Jimmy Dalzell!"




Offline BdHvA

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2658 on: May 15, 2017, 03:52:19 AM »
Caption this...




Crew we are propped.
Experierence is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. A. Huxley

Online tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2659 on: May 17, 2017, 06:31:37 PM »

Online tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2660 on: May 17, 2017, 08:35:54 PM »
Screw the big propellers, this muther's going to sink anyway...

In navy jargon, ship's propellers are called screws.
 
I believe the ship pictured is the Brittania or maybe the Olympia in dry dock [after Titanic sank].
 
Anyway reminds me..

 If you have a tattoo that's spelled 'Muther'...
You might be a redneck.

Online msmob

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2661 on: May 17, 2017, 11:13:26 PM »

I believe the ship pictured is the Brittania or maybe the Olympia in dry dock [after Titanic sank].
 


If you check the photo on - say - Google images - it states it is Titanic ...  Yet, as you say ... http://www.nmjc.edu/assets/news/TitanicPhotos.pdf says it's Olympic ?!


Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2662 on: May 18, 2017, 07:27:58 AM »
In navy jargon, ship's propellers are called screws.
In Air Force jargon too, IINM.
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline ML

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Just doing what it said
« Reply #2663 on: May 26, 2017, 06:55:41 AM »
Just doing what it said
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online tfcrew

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« Last Edit: June 01, 2017, 09:16:58 AM by tfcrew »

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2665 on: June 05, 2017, 08:22:54 PM »











FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2666 on: June 05, 2017, 10:04:22 PM »
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline ML

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Little Red Riding Hood
« Reply #2667 on: June 17, 2017, 09:58:36 AM »
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2668 on: June 20, 2017, 11:55:04 AM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline ML

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The $15 Porsche
« Reply #2669 on: June 22, 2017, 03:00:53 PM »
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
 
So that's exactly what I did"
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline Anotherkiwi

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Re: The $15 Porsche
« Reply #2670 on: June 22, 2017, 06:29:22 PM »
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."...

The value of inflation!  The first time I saw this joke was an English version, with the car being a Bentley (complete with golf clubs in the boot) sold for just one pound.  :ROFL:

Offline ML

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Aussies reply to Muslim request
« Reply #2671 on: July 02, 2017, 03:01:21 PM »
Muslin request . . . and Aussie reply

At Bondi beach, Muslims request BEACH BAN of  "BIKINIS" DURING RAMADAN:
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online msmob

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2672 on: July 02, 2017, 03:06:13 PM »
Now that is funny

Online tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2673 on: July 09, 2017, 02:16:13 PM »

Offline ML

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Canadian Farm Crops
« Reply #2674 on: August 22, 2017, 08:51:12 PM »
A Canadian farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drove in and came up to the porch.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man. "I have a degree in Agriculture from the University of Saskatchewan so I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you…"
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

 

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