Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

*UP OR DOWN SEX** *

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman
and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and
discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to
go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed
to the river to his fishing boat and started out on
their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and
pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what
had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
0lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
'f*ck or drown.'

[2tallbill]

An 85 year old man gets married to a young, sexy girl that thinks it will just be a platonic affair with no sex because of his age. But, about 10 minutes after she is in bed, he comes in and they have exellent sex. The man leaves the room, and comes in about 30 minutes later and they have sex again. The girl is astonished, but even more astonished when he comes back in 30 minutes after this and they have even more sex. When they are done, she tells him that she is amazed that he can have sex so often in one night.

"You mean", he says, "I was here before????"

[2tallbill]

If men designed the bra.....

[2tallbill]

For Sale: Can't afford to maintain anymore... Going to school. High mileage,
worn out interior, loud, lots of modifications, used to be fun but now its
boring, not very reliable, but takes a licking and keeps on kicking, test drivers welcome.
Best offer. Call Rob @ (905)822-XXXX, or if you want the car call (416)754-XXXX.

[2tallbill]

The Rude Customer

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[2tallbill]

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "What the f*ck is the difference?"

The boys says, "That's what I said!"

[2tallbill]

The Barber and Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.”

“What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get that crappy haircut?”

[2tallbill]

Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

Alternate.........."Well I want donate one of my testicles to science"

[2tallbill]

 Deathbed Honesty

A man is lying on his deathbed. His wife sits at his bedside holding his hand and praying silently. He looks up and says weakly, "There's something I must confess, my dear."

"There's no need to," she replies.

"No," he insists, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replies. "Now just be still and let the poison work."

[2tallbill]

The Wife and the Bull

A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year. Isn’t that nice!” After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, “You could learn from this one!”

They reach the last bull, whose ownder is stroking the massive beast’s head. “How many times has your bull mated this year?” asks the wife.

“This here’s the pride of the County: 365 times, ma’am.”

The wife’s jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. “Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!”

The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says, “Hey, was it all with the same cow?”

[catzenmouse]

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff, Battalion, and Company
Commanders.  While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.  He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.  He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure."
The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.
With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
 
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.  "Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers
would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted corps.

[2tallbill]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to
the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.
She read, "....and Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The Sky is falling!"

The teacher then asked
the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "He said
Holy Sh!t a talking chicken!"

[2tallbill]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice. "The big sissy"

[2tallbill]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief, finally asked him. "How do you
expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
"For Heaven's sake Dylan come in or stay out!"

[2tallbill]

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd
found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you
know that the cat was dead?" she asked him.

"Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move" answered
the child innocently. "You Did What!?!?!?" the teacher
exclaimed in surprise.

"You know" explained the boy. "I leaned over
and went Psssst! and it didn't move"

[2tallbill]

A guy goes to the barber and he brings his little daughter.
She stands next to the barber chair eating her snack cake

The barber says "little girl you are going to get hair on your
twinkie".........She says "I know and I am going to get boobs too!"

[2tallbill]

Cap Locks

[2tallbill]

Breast exam............February is breast awareness month.
we stare because we care

[2tallbill]

whoooooopssss.........

Buttox

[2tallbill]

***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***

[2tallbill]

he is a dead man.........

[2tallbill]

Mans best friend and corny joke........

[2tallbill]

He got his 72 virgins alright........

[2tallbill]

I'll get in line......

[2tallbill]

Boob jokes don't really have to be that funny (if you provide a photo).....