Time for some Humor!!

[The Natural]

[The Natural]

[SANDRO43]

Similar conditions often occur during winter in the Northern Adriatic area, e.g. in Trieste, when the bora, a NE katabatic wind, blows at speeds of up to 250 Km/h:

[viking]

Entrance to the Olympic village?
Practice for the dog sled race?

[Lily]

[ML]

For Gator and other such persons:

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

  [/size]The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

   [/size]After several minutes not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...

[/size]"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

    

[The Natural]

A real cool British woman in the elevator.... and the accent is just wonderful 

[Lily]

 

[ML]

 

Actually, it is best if curved at tip for benefit of G-spot.

But don't tell Misha in Canada . . . because apparently G spot doesn't exist in Canada.

[ML]

 After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $250,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? [/size][/font]
They really know how to solve an old guy's problem!
 

[ML]

Japanese Sex


A Japanese couple is in an  argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex.....             

Husband says: Sukitak . . .
                   

Wife replies: Kowanini . . .
                     

Husband says: Toka a anjirodiroumiyakoo! . . .                   

Wife on her knees literally begging: Miminakoundindatinkouji! . . .                   


Husband replies angrily:  Namiaoukinatimkouji! . . .                             

And YOU just sit there, reading this shit as if  you understand Japanese!

[Lily]

 
Happy coming New Year Russia!
 

 

"Dear Santa, please don't put my present under the tree. Just bring it right into my garage".
 

[Lily]

A secret of making a good profile photo
 

 

[Muzh]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,
MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

HER FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS
IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE
ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR. SHE SAYS,  "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO
MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.

[Lily]

Isn't it a great business idea for a new chewing gum Russian style? 
 
Top gum flavour "Herring under the fur coat"
Bottom gum flavour "Juicy Olivier salad"
 
 

[Lily]

 
"Kolya, the boss wanted to talk to you.
P.S. You were a good friend..''

[SANDRO43]

A secret of making a good profile photo

She doesn't look overly thrilled, though .

[Lily]

When the fat lady sings ... 
 

[SANDRO43]

Figureheads used to be prettier once :

[Lily]

A woman who stayed in a hotel asks why the amount on the bill for staying in the hotel is $5000.
 
The hotel administrator told her that the hotel is very high end.
 
'But the amount is by any stretch too big', she said.
 
The administrator said that the hotel has a wonderful swimming pool and a huge conference center, and she could use all that.
 
'But I did not use them', the woman said.
 
'Our hotel has wonderful parties where many celebrities take part', commented adiministrator.'You could have make a full use of our facilities!'
 
'I have not seen a single party here', the woman replied.
 
'In our prices, all these opportunities that we make for you, are included. That explains our prices.'
 
Finally the woman had to pay. She gave the hotel administrator $500.
 
'You gave me only $500 ma'am', he reacted.
 
'That's right. I deducted $4500 for your having sex with me', the woman said.
 
'But I never slept with you!'
 
'Well, I stayed here for a few days, and you could have used the opportunity', she said.

[Lily]

 
 

[Lily]

Finally Assol got her Scarlet Sails 
 

[Lily]

[Lily]

Essential Russian phrases for tourists 

 
РАЗМЕЩЕНИЕ
Ничего, если я разведу костер?
Can I make a fire?
В вашей гостинице завтрак входит в обед?
Is breakfast included into the lunch in your hotel?
Позаботьтесь о моей лошади.
Take care of my horse.
Я хотел бы пожить у вас дома
I would like to stay at your place.
Почему у моей комнаты сменили номер и там другие люди?
Why has my room number changed and why are there other people in there?


ТРАНСПОРТ
Как пройти прямо?
How do I go straight ahead?
Эта бабушка уже мертва две станции.
This old lady has been dead for two stations already.
Сколько километров до Бердичева?
How many kilometers to Berdichev?
ПРИВЕТСТВИЯ
Могу я называть вас Иннокентий?
Can I call you Innokentiy?
Кто вы такой и что мне от вас нужно?
Who are you and what do I need from you?
Здравствуйте, земляне.
Hello, Terranes.
ДОСТОПРИМЕЧАТЕЛЬНОСТИ
Где мой зонт? Я тоже хочу быть гидом.
Where is my umbrella? I want to be a guide too.
Где в вашем крематории сувенирная лавка?
Where is the souvenir shop at your crematory?
Оно так и было, когда я пришел!
It already was like this when I came!
Этот великолепный собор (храм, дворец) похож на плывущего кенгуру.
This magnificent cathedral (temple, palace) looks like a swimming kangaroo.
Я не могу больше на это смотреть.
I cannot look at this any longer.
ПОКУПКИ
Мне это не нужно, отговорите меня, пожалуйста.
I do not need this, talk me out of it.
Этот шоколад точно с фольгой?
Are you sure this chocolate comes with foil?
РАЗВЛЕЧЕНИЯ
Я не знаю, откуда взялась эта мертвая шлюха в моем номере.
I have no idea how this dead whore got into my room.
Как мне пройти в самый опасный квартал в вашем городе?
How do I get to the most dangerous neighborhood in your town?
ЕДА И НАПИТКИ
Я не могу есть грибы — я им обещал.
I can not eat mushrooms — I've promised them.
Вы уже потратили чаевые, которые я давал вчера?
You have already spent the tip I gave you yesterday?
КОММУНИКАЦИИ
Говорите тише, я вас все равно не понимаю.
Speak softer, I cannot understand you anyway.
Извините, я не говорю на вашем варварском языке.
Sorry, I do not speak barbarian.
Я разнорабочий в филармонии — кладу кафель на музыку.
I am a handy-man in a philharmonic. I'm setting tile on the music.
Не могли бы вы меня понюхать?
Can you smell me?
Я обещал своей семье привезти сердце неверного.
I've promised my family I'd bring them the heart of the infidel.
Где я могу найти стоматологию с самообслуживанием?
Where I can find a self-service dentist office?
В вашем примитивном языке есть слово для обозначения благодарности?
Does your primitive language have any words of gratitude?
Вы не могли бы недолго подержать мой нож?
Run away from me as fast as you can?
В моей семье принято относиться снисходительно к таким, как вы.
My family is usually lenient towards people like you.
Отпустите, у меня есть право на звонок авокадо!
Let me go, I have a right to call my avocado!
Не могли бы вы воспользоваться моей зубной щеткой?
Can you use my toothbrush?
ЕДА И НАПИТКИ
Два харакири с рисом, пожалуйста.
Two harakiri with rice, please.
У вас есть кола без газа?
Do you have cola without gas?

[Lily]