A woman of your age

[docetae]

I actually think that inspiration is more important than simple frequency  

Why do you restrict you to choose when both are possible ?

[Sculpto]

the age gap itself is not the problem, it is how people deal with problems that matters and that has nothing to do with age.

[Misha]

the age gap itself is not the problem, it is how people deal with problems that matters and that has nothing to do with age.

That is what those in a large age-gap relationship always say  :evil: Remind me again, how much younger is your gf. Twenty-five years?

[Sculpto]

That is what those in a large age-gap relationship always say  :evil: Remind me again, how much younger is your gf. Twenty-five years?

Misha.. its not relevant.  Do yu personally have experience in an age gap relationship?  If not, anything you say is nothing more than a not very well informed opinion.   :evil:

[Sculpto]

BTW.. it wouldn't make any difference to me if she was FSU or from Mars as long as we connect and have a bond and the ability to resolve problems as they come up.  And that goes for a woman of any age. 

Did it ever occur to you that given my lifestyle she might be a lot more able and willing to adapt?  Sometimes a much older lady will have a much harder time making the normal adjustments to life here, let alone living in the middle of chaos town like I do.

[Misha]

Misha.. its not relevant.  Do yu personally have experience in an age gap relationship?  If not, anything you say is nothing more than a not very well informed opinion.   :evil:

True, but then again, you don't have any experience if memory serve me right when it comes to being married, age gap or no age gap  :evil:

[Sculpto]

True, but then again, you don't have any experience if memory serve me right when it comes to being married, age gap or no age gap  :evil:

I will soon enough, to a really amazing young woman. 

[remiel6]

I think the point was missed. The reason why a man or woman is unfaithful, that is the cause of the problem. The being unfaithful perhaps may be the way that problem manifests itself for that particular couple, and in many cases, myself included. It is the point at which I stop trying to work thru the problem. The "Cause" is the reason they were unfaithful in the first place. This does not compare to age. Being faithful is a choice one makes, being old is not, and on that note there are a lot of couples that survive infidelity. It is how they deal with the issue that determines whether or not it works not it by itself. In many cases a person choses not to work thru it and that is there perogative. it is not right or wrong its a choice they make. But I stand by my statement. The age is not the "cause" of the problems. The "Cause" is thier perceptions of the "problem."

[ECOCKS]

Yet, a great many folks believe that age gaps are a major determinant in the failure of marriages where they exist. That belief is possibly based upon having watched a great number of marriages fail, succeed, have age gaps, have older women spouses, have differences in interests and so on. They have even listened to a lot of the rationalizations from individuals before, during and after those breakups.

No one seems to have good, scientific numbers for just how important a factor age gap is, but it seems fair to say that a LOT of people have this feeling. Hollywood makes movies about it, someone comes up with all those jokes and people still stop and stare at the large gap couples walking by, then snicker at them behind their backs. Guys still stand around after one of their number who has a large gap difference leaves and runs them down over it. Oh yes, they make a lot of locker room comments too about how lucky he is and how she looks, but in the end, none of the rationalizations seen to change that the stereotype persists indicating that they have a low probability of success.

[Sculpto]

You know what.. MOST MARRIAGES FAIL.

I am only going to do it once.  So, I am going to be married to the person that fits me the best.  I didn't wait all this time, never fully committing to a rather long list of pretty cool women, to at this stage settle on someone who is a compromise.  On the contrary, I have committed to someone who I can't imagine living without and that never happened to me before.  Will we make it a lifetime?  I hope so, but, the odds are against us.  The odds are against ALL of us regardless of the age of our partner.  I often question if the current definitions of marriage are even valid anymore.  When those ideas were first formed.. marriage till death do us part.. people didn't live very long. 

So, given the odds, who do you want to spend what may be a significant part of your lifetime TRYING to make it work with?  Are you going to compromise, settle for what some moral or other argument tells you you SHOULD do?  Or, are you going to find someone that makes YOU happy and do your best to make them happy also?

Frankly, and i know this will start a dookie storm, but, I think those who argue against age gaps are in fact trying to push their overworked morality on others and they would actually be better people if they minded their own business.  (that is not directed at any individuals, merely a rant/petpeeve)  I don't care if "you", or my high school X gf, or the nosy neighbor down the street doesn't approve because it is not your life to live.

[Turboguy]

I do think it would be nice if there were some real statistics.   I have sort of noticed that when someone does post the sad news about their marriage or relationship ending the first question they get, asked with baited breath, is how much of a gap?   It makes me laugh a little and it reminds me a tad of vultures circling a carcass waiting for another chance to prove themselves all knowing.

That said, maybe everyone is right and it is a harbinger of doom for every couple.  Then again, maybe it is a non issue in 99% of the AM-RW divorces and break ups. 

Personally I think if it is going to come into play early in a relationship such as at the 2 year mark when she gets her 10 year card then it is going to come into play even before they marry.   A young woman who is going to find an older man unappealing is going to do it before she even dates him or at least before she even marries him.  If an age gap couple has problems because of the age difference it is going to be 10 years +/- down the road as he changes due to aging.   

If an age gap creates problems a year or two into the relationship it is not the problem.   Either the girl was a GCG, the girl has problems of some kind, or the guy has issues that did not surface during the courting.  It is not the age difference. 

[remiel6]

Thank you turbo for stating in a better way at least a good part of what I was trying to convey. I could not agree with you more. 

[Ade]

If an age gap creates problems a year or two into the relationship it is not the problem.   Either the girl was a GCG, the girl has problems of some kind, or the guy has issues that did not surface during the courting.  It is not the age difference.  

If it really did start as a true, loving relationship I think that it is more likely that very large age gaps will take their toll when the older of the two becomes infirm while the younger is still active and youthful...
Edit I just reread your post Turbo and I realize that you are basically saying the same thing in your post

My take is that relationships are about compatibility. The more incompatible the couple is, the more likely it is that the marriage will fail. In general, the larger the age difference, the greater the chance that the couple will have less in common and be less compatible as a result; of course, the incompatibilities are exacerbated the closer to old age the dude(tte) is.

But large age differences and all those things that come with that are just a few of the many factors on the scales of compatibility... So, there are always rare exceptions when everything else makes for overwhelming compatibility despite the large age disparity.

FWIW, I think that those in very large age gap relationships (20 - 25+ years) are usually (although not always) kidding themselves into thinking it will last over the long term (10+ years). A few are realistic and pragmatic enough to know that it will last a relatively short time and are prepared to accept it in order to have the good years while they last.

[groovlstk]

Let me repeat this: If you are in a marriage with a large age gap, it will inevitably cause problems for you as a couple. That's not to say that these problems aren't insurmountable, but nothing anyone has said in this thread convinces me otherwise.

First, for you guys who are in long-distance relationships with women who are much younger, I have a bulletin for you: You are not in an age-gap relationship. Not even close. That will happen when you are married and living together 24/7. Not when you are meeting for a week in Egypt, not when you visit her hometown to meet her friends and family. To you guys who dismiss an age gap as insignificant because the woman you are writing to "doesn't have a problem with it so neither do I," please stop - you're making me laugh so hard I can't type!

Secondly, where are the supportive comments from guys who have lived long-term in age gap relationships? Whenever this subject comes up, the travelling philosophers come out of the woodwork with the usual rationalizations about age being "just a number." Honestly, some of you guys are no different than a chubby teenage girl who fantasizes that that the dude in that Twilight movie will love her more than a Hollywood starlet because she has a good personality. 

Again, where are the supportive comments from guys who can speak from experience?

[Turboguy]

Groov,  just curious, how many long term relationships you have been in with a large age gap?

[Misha]

I will soon enough, to a really amazing young woman. 

Yes, and it will be interesting to hear what you have to say once you are married and have been living at least one year with your wife and have been dealing with the daily grind of daily life... So far you have had what, two or three vacations mixed in with a lot of vodka and with a few spats thrown in for good measure.At this point, I will still be amazed if you actually get married and if she does go live with you.

[remiel6]

Why is this discussion being turned into a personal attack, and for the record. I have seen one, my parents. I lived with my parents a long time and they have an age gap most americans would consider unacceptable. They are clearly from different generations and yet they have been married for 40 years. Some of the problems you discuss do arise. Example, my father retired while my mother still has to work. Health issues, but good lord I am 37 not 57. I would hope that by the time I reach 57 or 60 years old we would have been married for 23 years and all the time together would make dealing with those issues more tolerable. Your comment makes me recall something one of my law proffessors said. "when a person has no better argument to make they either resort to personal attacks, or worse they pull the i've been thru this you haven't card." give me an agrument not a personal attack based on what you don't know about someone elses relationship.  The issue you raise about age gaps creating communication problems are very valid. I would think (Hope) the man in question, or woman, would confront the communication issue before they got married.

[groovlstk]

Why is this discussion being turned into a personal attack, and for the record. I have seen one, my parents. I lived with my parents a long time and they have an age gap most americans would consider unacceptable. They are clearly from different generations and yet they have been married for 40 years. Some of the problems you discuss do arise. Example, my father retired while my mother still has to work. Health issues, but good lord I am 37 not 57. I would hope that by the time I reach 57 or 60 years old we would have been married for 23 years and all the time together would make dealing with those issues more tolerable. Your comment makes me recall something one of my law proffessors said. "when a person has no better argument to make they either resort to personal attacks, or worse they pull the i've been thru this you haven't card." give me an agrument not a personal attack based on what you don't know about someone elses relationship.  The issue you raise about age gaps creating communication problems are very valid. I would think (Hope) the man in question, or woman, would confront the communication issue before they got married.

Remiel, if you're referring to my posts, I apologize - I am not attacking you or anyone here, just the same fragile arguments I see over and over.

Again, nothing anyone has said in this thread contradicts my argument or what Russian Wind has been saying all along: If you are married long enough, you WILL have issues related to your age. How you deal with it as a couple is what really matters, but the tendency here is to push such concerns into the background and fall back on the "everyone's different" cliche. Yes, all people are different, but as far as I know aging is a pretty universal phenomenon. You can point to anecdotal examples (and kudos for you for referencing your family, most guys in this situation point to Michael Douglas or some celebrity to support their arguments), but I'm talking about the general public, as in us regular guys who are in for the long haul and want to remain married until the grim reaper comes knocking. It's pure fantasy to push concerns about age gaps into the background. 

[groovlstk]

Groov,  just curious, how many long term relationships you have been in with a large age gap?

I've been married for nearly three years now. My wife is 15 years younger than me. The younger women I dated before I married certainly don't qualify as "long-term" or serious.  How about you, TG?

[Misha]

Personally I think if it is going to come into play early in a relationship such as at the 2 year mark when she gets her 10 year card then it is going to come into play even before they marry.

Well, let's not forget other factors. A woman starts a degree and may draw out the relationship past the two year mark until graduation. Rule of thumb: if she does not have to be with you for any reason, and she is still with you, then we can say that you have a real relationship IMHO.

[Boethius]

Why is this discussion being turned into a personal attack, and for the record. I have seen one, my parents. I lived with my parents a long time and they have an age gap most americans would consider unacceptable. They are clearly from different generations and yet they have been married for 40 years. Some of the problems you discuss do arise. Example, my father retired while my mother still has to work. Health issues, but good lord I am 37 not 57.

An eight year age difference is hardly an "age gap" relationship.   I doubt most Americans would view a relationship between a 20 year old and a 28 year old as "unacceptable".  I'm not even sure they view larger age gaps as unacceptable, just eyebrow raising.

[Dave13]

Groovistk, How would you define  "experience"! I've been married to my beautiful wife for over five years and we truly enjoy our life together. We just returned from a vacation in Arizona had a great time, but she did kick my butt on the hike in the Grand Canyon.   we have a 17 year age gap.

Dave

[ECOCKS]

As I said, it IS a shame that the statistics are lacking to quantify the chances. Even then I suspect the rationalizations would remain as shrill and plaintive. Looking through the stats that are available, the probability of failure for older persons engaging in their successive marriages is well-understood yet apparently difficult to determine purely age gap issues based upon coincidental factors and other concurrent events.

We could, of course, turn the tables and ask to see the statistics on successful, long-term marriages which DID include a large age gap but that has it's own built-in problem of life expectancy impact of one spouse being significantly older. Tough numbers to wade through and draw meaningful conclusions.

By the way, what "morality" are some trying to inflict on these couples? Thinking about it, it seems there are probably some laws out there which refer to "immoral conduct", but I don't know of any true institutional beliefs which trot out that argument. There are some cults and splinter sects which have 40-somethings being married to young teenagers (the Smart case in UT comes to mind along with some in that compound near Texarkana where they pulled out children who were married to middle-aged men). Maybe those beliefs exist and I just missed them?

As for where some of these ideas come from, I was looking back at the above paragraph and wondered if maybe the child molestation issue is the source of some of it? We certainly see a shading from criminal judgment when the girl is an adolescent (consider the Polanski case and the reaction of the public to the teacher-student scandals) to when we begin talking about situations where both are consenting adults it just becomes a comedy event?

[groovlstk]

Groovistk, How would you define  "experience"! I've been married to my beautiful wife for over five years and we truly enjoy our life together. We just returned from a vacation in Arizona had a great time, but she did kick my butt on the hike in the Grand Canyon.   we have a 17 year age gap.

Dave

Congratulations, Dave. I'd be interested to hear your perspective on this as you have actual experience and aren't sending dispatches from fantasyland.

One of my pet peeves about the age thing is that guys who are in the dating phase always sweep these concerns under the rug with rationalization after rationalization. Whenever someone like Russian Wind or Jazzy gives their take on it, they're skewered for being prejudiced or narrow-minded. This always strikes me as odd because pretty much all aspects of dating and marrying RW are dealt with bluntly and honestly here, so why is everyone so defensive about frank age gap discussions?

I'm as much to blame for my sarcastic take on the backslappers here, but RWD is the only place where we can hash this stuff around plainly and honestly. I'll be honest and say I have concerns for my own marriage - we're extremely happy right now but I refuse to wear rosy glasses and spout off about how we're different so the basic rules don't apply to us. I realize my own age gap (15 years) is significant but not extraordinary, yet I cringe at the possibility that one day I may be lying in a hospital bed while my wife spoon-feeds me a jar of Gerber pureed carrots. This is the reality that guys in the dating phase need to acknowledge, it does no good to blow smoke up their butts.

[Turboguy]

Groov,  thanks for the good answer. You asked about me. I am not sure where the line is drawn where a relationship becomes serious or long term but yes I have been in a fair number of age gap rekationships that had a 20-30 year difference. If you want a more detailed answer I would be haooy to do that in a PM. I do agree that I would hate the idea of VWRW going through years of spooning me baby food.