A woman of your age

[Sculpto]

Yes, and it will be interesting to hear what you have to say once you are married and have been living at least one year with your wife and have been dealing with the daily grind of daily life... So far you have had what, two or three vacations mixed in with a lot of vodka and with a few spats thrown in for good measure.At this point, I will still be amazed if you actually get married and if she does go live with you.

Thanks for the words of support Misha.  A real class act.   

[Misha]

Thanks for the words of support Misha.  A real class act.   

You're welcome. Sorry Sculpto, I refuse to be your cheerleader 

[Sculpto]

I dont care if you are a cheerleader Misha, but, making degrading comments says a lot more about you than it does me.

[Misha]

I dont care if you are a cheerleader Misha, but, making degrading comments says a lot more about you than it does me.

Degrading? Yes, the truth hurts. Yes, living in a fantasy world is much more comforting. Yes, it is so much nicer when everybody tells the Emperor that his clothes are exquisite...

[groovlstk]

No other issue makes for more hurt feelings than discussions about age gaps.

I think the problem is that there have been so many arguments on this particular topic that people immediately entrench, expecting disputes about value judgments and condemnation to follow.

We're all in the same boat, and a frank discussion about what guys can do to mitigate this issue (or simply prevent it from becoming a major issue) would be infinitely more valuable than what has been debated in the past.

[Sculpto]

Misha.. read what groov wrote.

FWIW.. my lady and I have had very frank discussions about our age gap.  She is concerned about the 20 years later situation when I am old and she is still youngish.  We both have a very clear understanding of what the problems might be and what expectations are reasonable.  Frankly, the greater burden is on me to be in good shape and take good care of my health in every way so that I can keep up with her.   And, the truth is, there is no negative to that burden, in fact, it is not a burden at all but a gift that she is giving me by choosing to build a life with me.

I am far from living in a fantasy Misha.  On the contrary, there are four feet quite firmly planted on earth. 

[ECOCKS]

No other issue makes for more hurt feelings than discussions about age gaps.

I think the problem is that there have been so many arguments on this particular topic that people immediately entrench, expecting disputes about value judgments and condemnation to follow.

We're all in the same boat, and a frank discussion about what guys can do to mitigate this issue (or simply prevent it from becoming a major issue) would be infinitely more valuable than what has been debated in the past.

Of course, the "date in your league" advice has a lot to do with this issue. Perhaps a discussion of what "in your league" really means is in order?

[Dave13]

Groovistk, Maybe we need to have our ladies give their input to this subject! I will ask my wife! I do believe one important point to consider is what's the ages of each partner during the start of the relationship. For example a woman of say 30 and a man of 47 might have a chance of working out, but a woman at 20 and a man at 37 .  ???
  But in the end, its the relationship between the couple that makes it or breaks it, their is no magic formula.  

Dave

[Dave13]

OK, just had a talk with my wife Anna, this subject has come up on all the boards again and again!   "Whatever when I'm old she will chew my food for me."  now thats love.

Dave

[Misha]

FWIW.. my lady and I have had very frank discussions about our age gap. 

Again, I do not doubt that you want this to happen. However, I still do not consider what you have a "relationship" in any real sense of the word. Feel free to pontificate on age-gap relationships, but I will always point out that you have yet to be married let alone live for any length of time with any woman as your wife  :evil:

[greg2654]

I'd like to weigh in on this.

Some friends of ours fall into this category (20 yr difference, AM/UW). Been married 8 or 9 yrs, 2 kids (5+3) reasonably happy. Prognosis: Very Good.

What makes them stand out is not their age difference but their common purpose when they got together. Him: 46 yr old engineer, spent too much time on his career and woke up one day realising that he wanted a family of his own. Her: 26 yr old secretary, working her butt off to just stay in the same place, going from one worthless boyfriend to the next. Woke up the very same day and decided she couldn't make a family out of this.

A years worth of snail mail later they finally meet and they like each other (a lot!) and decide that they could make it work. Note that I did not say love (which is a brain fart in my opinion), but LIKE. They enjoyed each others company and had fun together. Infinitely better.

Will the age difference eventually matter? 36-56, 46-66, 56-76, I don't know. But I know that there will be problems somewhere, there always is. Perfection does not exist. But if you're determined to make it work, it will.

[JR]

You're talking way too much sense greg, someone's going to slam you

Attidudes and compatibility have more to do with success than anything else.

[Boethius]

It is easier to make it work when you are passionately in love.  But, I think passionate love is rare. 

[greg2654]

 Baby , Y'all so fine. What else
kin I know?

[Boethius]

Sorry, but I don't buy the crap about a common purpose.  Most couples have a common purpose when they marry.  Nobody marries thinking they won't build a life together.  But that common purpose very often falls by the wayside.  Treating your spouse kindly is more important than a common purpose.  Making your spouse the center of your universe is more important than a common purpose.  Putting your spouse's needs above your own (a mutual act) is more important than a common purpose. 

By passionate love, I'm not referring to physical attraction, nor to what others here call "chemistry".  I am talking about something much more than this, of loving a soul for who he is.  Such couples rarely divorce, as there is an idealization of the mate, and an innate understanding that you won't find this again.   

[remiel6]

Still baffles me why this has to resort to personal attacks. No one here knows a single  thing about 2012's relationship, so to make any comments on it is absurd. You only know what little they tell you. To say that he has no opinion on this or his opinion is not valid is equally absurd. Time and time alone will tell if it will work out. There is no more scientific basis to say age matters than there is to say age does not matter. Hell to some degree everything matters.
I agree that as time goes by a twenty year old who marries a forty year old they will have issues. My whole point was whether is works depends not upon the age, but how they deal with that age gap both in the beginning and as time goes by. The age is not the cause of the problem it is how they deal with it. On a related note, what am I who is 15 years older than my fiance suppose to do. "well I love you and we are happy, but I know in ten years your going to hate me so see ya." I can't make choices and cross bridges that are not here yet. I don't know whats going to happen. All any one can ever do I make a choice based on where they are at a moment in time. That's it. I love her and will marry her and would marry her is she was 50. I believe it will work, I hope it will work, but I can't make choices based on what has not occured, only based on where I am today.

[Misha]

No one here knows a single  thing about 2012's relationship, so to make any comments on it is absurd.

Well, Sculpto (his user name before switching to 2012) has written reams about his relationship (and just about everything else for that matter). More than enough to come to some pretty reasonably conclusions as to his "relationship"   

[Boethius]

You can't know that, Misha.  It is nothing more than conjecture on your part.

[Misha]

You can't know that, Misha.  It is nothing more than conjecture on your part.

Fine, conjecture based on what Sculpto himself has written over 3,434 posts if you will  :evil: At this stage, there is not much that Sculpto has not told us  I am just waiting for the next installment of the Sculpto Saga from Thailand. 

[Sculpto]

Fine, conjecture based on what Sculpto himself has written over 3,434 posts if you will  :evil: At this stage, there is not much that Sculpto has not told us  I am just waiting for the next installment of the Sculpto Saga from Thailand. 

NO SOUP FOR YOU!  Get out!  You sir are the last straw.  You are deliberately antagonizing me before I go on my trip. You think I am going to write anything on this forum after that?  Go crawl back into your rat hole please.  Adios bitch.

 30 days in Moderated Status. Use of incendiary terms directed toward another member.

[greg2654]

Sorry, but I don't buy the crap about a common purpose.   

You don't have to buy it; I'm just telling you what I've seen work. If everyone has the same goal you're more likely to get there. I've seen these "HallMark" notions about love turn into major disappointments. Statues belong on pedestals, not people.

[ScottinCrimea]

So we are back to the age gap debate...  Here is what I observe:

While dating:

She says, "The age difference is not an issue".
He says. "If she says it isn't an issue, that works for me."

1 year into the marriage:

She says, "I have financial security, the future is wide open, he takes good care of me."
He says, "I'm getting great sex with a young hottie, it's costing me a bit to keep her happy but it's worth it."

5 years into marriage:

She says, "I've got my green card, I've adjusted to the US, I've got my whole life ahead of me and he just wants to settle into a quiet retirement.  The sex is not up to my needs and there has to be something more for me out there somewhere"

He says. "I'm sensing some coldness and conflicts, maybe if I buy her some more jewelry or a new car this will make her happy"

10 years into marriage (if it lasts that long, and I have yet to see any age AM/RW age gap that has survived that long)

He says. "Thank God I have someone to care for me as my health deteriorates and who I can count on to be by my side.  Besides, the idea of going out and finding someone new to be by my side at this point is exhausting.

She says, "I have much of my life ahead of me.  The idea of caring for the needs of someone older is not how I envisioned my life.  That young guy at the spa who keeps eying me makes me think that I definitely have other options."

Sculpto is in stage 1.  Turboguy is in stage 2. their opinions are meaningless beyond the stage that they are in.  Their fault is in failing to listen to the advice of those who have gone through the later stages.

I knew my wife for three years before we married.  We were married for 3 years before our separation.  We have a 15 year age gap.  Although this is considered in the "acceptable" range, believe me, the longer you are together, the more the age gap becomes a factor.  I am not yet to the stage where she must worry about taking care of me, but the difference in experience and life goals has taken its toll.  If you want to learn about the eventual outcome of marriages that have lasted longer, take a look at KenC's posts.

The shelf life of an age gap relationship is something that must not be ignored.  If you are willing to accept that the limits of your marriage are based on the age difference and both of you understand and accept the eventualities. I'm willing to fully support you.  For example, Turboguy's marriage has a very obvious shelf life built in.  I think he understands this and accepts it.  That's fine with me. as long as he doesn't proclaim his as a success story.

I fullly recognize those relationships that are the exception to what I have written.  Unfortunately, 100% of those who are early in a relationship think they are the exception and the reality is that only maybe 10% at best truly are.

The age gap; issues hit me at 6 years, in subtle and unexpected ways,  KenC's issues hit him at the 10 year mark and the issues were more dramatic.  Ultimately, it will be an issue, but KenC has stated that the time spent together was worth the end result, and I will echo the same.

So those of you who are enteing into a new age gap relationship, I will refute your pie in the sky expectations, and try to discourage you in an effort to avoid you having to feel feel the pain of the ultimate loss, but ultimately it is your decision to make.  My goal is to provide you with some real life experience as opposed to the opinions of those who have not yet been through it and only throw out their rationalizations.

[Turboguy]

There are a lot of things we don't really know about age gap marriages. 

We don't know for a FACT that age gap creates any problems.   We just think it should.
We don't know for a FACT that the divorce rate is higher, we just think is probably is.
We don't know for a FACT that the woman will be unhappy in an age gap marriage.
We don't know for a FACT anything at all.

There is one thing I am sure enough of that I am willing to say I know it for a fact.

When someone has their mind made up to be in an age gap marriage, it is a certain FACT that you or anyone else can talk till they are blue in the face and you don't have even the smallest chance of changing their mind.  I am not sure why everyone wastes so much breath on it. 

[krimster]

Scott,
   My wife and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.  There is a 15 year difference in our ages.  This should be a counter-point to your universal truth about age-gap or even missile-gap.  My observation about the difficulties you had in your marriage and indirectly restated in your post here, is that each of you were thinking selfishly (in the sense of being focused on your own wants and needs, and ignoring your partner's).  The opposite of selfishness is love.  If you have a loving relationship, age or other differences are irrelevant.  Contrast "Selfish Thinking" with "The Gift of the Magi", http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_the_Magi.  If you don't have a loving relationship, then the marriage becomes a battleground with each party clamoring over each other trying to satisfy their own wants.
Just my dva kopec.
 

[Ade]

When someone has their mind made up to be in an age gap marriage, it is a certain FACT that you or anyone else can talk till they are blue in the face and you don't have even the smallest chance of changing their mind.  I am not sure why everyone wastes so much breath on it. 

Maybe it's to dissuade those that have yet committed themselves to such folly.