A woman of your age

[groovlstk]

Thanks to all who contributed to this thread. It's the first time I've ever seen an age gap thread move past the cliches and heated debates and result in some frank discussion. 

[vwrw]

So my direct question is: If you were giving advice to a newbie face to face, would you encourage him to seek a similar age gap or discourage him?

I am wondering how with all the education and experience you have that you have not came to the realization that it is silly to advise another person anything without first obtaining all relevant information.

Whatever mine, yours, KenC’s or Gator’s experience is does not increase or decrease another person’s chance on successes in age gap relationship. What does matter is personal traits of the two individuals that enter the relationship. Are they strong enough to counteract public pressure to conformity? Do they care what public opinion on their relationship is?

Would I encourage a newbie to seek an age gap relationship or discourage him? It depends on the person. We encouraged Gator to pursue the younger of his women. I think if a man has admirable characteristics like my husband (who is embodiment of all the best human qualities), Gator or KenC have and the woman is smart, confident, and strongly attached to those admirable characteristics of her man, then yes, I would encourage them. If the man is like you ScottinCrimea, I would advise the woman “Run, Forrest, Run!”

 

[Zhena]

Scott has a hard time now  and I would exuse many of his words here. Its not easy to come through all this.
The marriage with a big age gap is not for everybody-either a man or a woman. As I mentioned before,they should have some special qualities plus they have to be compatible. So it is a mistake to generalize here.
I think Turbo is that kind of person,who can do that,and I am pretty optimistic about him and vwrw. Time will show,of course (and it will show about everybodies marriage,too).
If you ll look at statistic of divorce in the US,most of marriages dont have an age gap,but didnt work anyway.

[Gator]

I find it interesting that KenC and I have expressed basically the exact same thoughts, but the focus of the personal attacks is yours truly. This suggests a different agenda than simply debating the issues.

My sentiments too.

I will give an update at a later time and on another thread, but suffice it to way that right now I am still married, we submitted a joint petition for removal of conditions, not one based on spousal abuse, that was granted in less than two months, and our relationship is stronger than it has been in a long time.

Very interesting.  Hope all works out for the best.  Did you know that the Nobel Prize committee has nominated you for the "Patience" award!

[tim 360]

In short:  I don't know if it makes sense to point the finger at AGE GAP for some very basic reasons.  Such as other factors may be at play and overide anything else.  I'm sure that other GAPS could be more important, like:

The guy is a jerk or an a$$hole.  You know, some loud obnoxious guy.  Oh!  I know there are none on this board, but out in the bigger wider world.

He could also want her to be his wifey-servant and be very restricting and controlling.

He could have some nasty little habits which she HATES.  Like nosepicking at the table or worse.

She have some psychological problem...so could he.

He or she or both could have poor morals and screw around.

Poor or no communication. 

People do change. 

Money, money, money.

IMO it is the other factors are far more overwhelming than AGE GAP.  The above are just a few.  Just ask any divorce lawyer and you will find that age gap is usually not the reason for divorces.

I don't have no dog in this fight.  I think it is really about the caliber of the 2 people.  Yet, some large age gaps I find scary to think about.

[Daveman]

....
IMO it is the other factors are far more overwhelming than AGE GAP.  The above are just a few.  Just ask any divorce lawyer and you will find that age gap is usually not the reason for divorces.

I don't have no dog in this fight.  I think it is really about the caliber of the 2 people.  Yet, some large age gaps I find scary to think about.

I agree with the caliber of the people being most important.  That's the intangible or unknowable variable.  Okay, if two people who come together are of like minds, morals, devotion, etc.,  but are at different stages in life there will almost certainly be some issues arising at some point.  How they, as a couple, deal with those issues is paramount.

The purpose and usefulness of the thread, IMO, is not to blame age gaps for the problems, but to discuss or even merely list those potential problems so that there can be situational awareness and preparedness.  Success, failure, experience indeed leaves clues.  Awareness itself is often curative as it has a tendency to change reactionary behavior.  Situational awareness can't be a bad thing.

[Misha]

The age gap is just an attempt at rationalizing the incompatibility between them, which is what the "minority view" has always been

There is another explanation. A woman, who marries a man usually closer to her age, that she has passionately fallen in love with, is going to be much more forgiving of financial or other incompatibilities.... 

[Daveman]

There is another explanation. A woman, who marries a man usually closer to her age, that she has passionately fallen in love with, is going to be much more forgiving of financial or other incompatibilities.... 

Isn't that true regardless of age?  I guess the question becomes "can a woman indeed fall passionately in love with a man who is years her senior?"

[BC]

Isn't that true regardless of age?  I guess the question becomes "can a woman indeed fall passionately in love with a man who is years her senior?"

Misha is on to something..

Take a man in the 40's or 50's..  As far as finances go, he will likely have an eye on the retirement nest egg whereas a younger woman may not..

A couple of similar age will likely have more similar views towards retirement.

Loosing a job at 25 and 55 can be completely different ballparks..

[SMS60]

This age gap issue is like playing Russian roulette

A gap of 25 years or more is like putting 5 live rounds and one blank in the cyclinder. When you pull the trigger you either have brain matter everywhere or one hell of an ear ache.

20 years you put in 3 live rounds, 1 blank, and 2 empty chambers before you do the spin.

15 years is 3 live rounds and 3 empty.

10 is 2 live rounds and 4 empty

And so on.......................................

[Misha]

Isn't that true regardless of age?  I guess the question becomes "can a woman indeed fall passionately in love with a man who is years her senior?"

I am certain that a man in his fifties, sixties or seventies will truly believe that a young twenty-something hottie can truly fall in love with them, I am much more skeptical  :evil:

[BC]

I am certain that a man in his fifties, sixties or seventies will truly believe that a young twenty-something hottie can truly fall in love with them, I am much more skeptical  :evil:

Misha,

Take away all emotional aspects from marriage and you indeed have a deal.  Emotion vs Terms  a balancing act.. 

[Misha]

Misha,

Take away all emotional aspects from marriage and you indeed have a deal.  Emotion vs Terms  a balancing act..  

Yes, and this is how I would boil it down. This is the question to ask: would my wife/fiancee/girlfriend have a better life without me?

1. If the answer is no as she is dependent on you for something (green card, university education, etc...) then she might love you, she might like you, she may even hate you and is simply tolerating you until she has her chance to break free. As long as the answer is no, there is no way of knowing for sure whether she truly loves him or he is deluding himself IMHO.

2. If the answer is maybe, then at least you can say she doesn't hate you and there is a pretty good chance that she likes you or at least has grown used to you and life with you. The less dependant she is on you (i.e. she has her permanent residence, green card, university education and job), the more likely that the latter this is true.

3. If the answer is a resounding yes and she is still with you, then you can be quite certain that she loves you and really wants to be with you and only you.

[Gator]

Misha,

I am an engineer by education and a successful one.  You can not use a decision tree to determine if a woman loves you. 

Lighten up fellow, and please don't give me one of these:   :evil:  That is the only smileycon you ever use.

[Misha]

You can not use a decision tree to determine if a woman loves you.

But, you can calculate the odds as to whether or not the man is deluding himself 

[Gator]

But, you can calculate the odds as to whether or not the man is deluding himself 

And if he loves his woman, do you think he will listen?

[Gator]

This age gap issue is like playing Russian roulette

A gap of 25 years or more is like putting 5 live rounds and one blank in the cyclinder. When you pull the trigger you either have brain matter everywhere or one hell of an ear ache.

20 years you put in 3 live rounds, 1 blank, and 2 empty chambers before you do the spin.

15 years is 3 live rounds and 3 empty.

10 is 2 live rounds and 4 empty

And so on.......................................

An age gap adds bullets.  For sure.  So do a wide variety of other traits and qualities.  How many bullets for a beer belly and short penis?  Or no sense of humor?

BTW how frequently do you spin the chamber and pull the trigger.  Every year, 10 years, ....?

You remind me of Doug Salem (RIP) who had a 5-page formula that measued a man's variables and then assigned to him the level of woman (1-10) with whom he could safely become involved.

People end up doing what feels right.  Its all about feelings.  And some people are more risk tolerant than others.  And some just enjoy the action even if it is short lived.

[Misha]

And if he loves his woman, do you think he will listen?

Of course not 

[remiel6]

5 page formula?

 

This reminds me of the criteria to evaluate a good poem from dead poets society and the very concept deserves much the same result.

[KenC]

From my viewpoint, there are some real gems of information here for the newbies to consider.  New ground that has never before been hashed about.  Of course there are many different sides to this discussion or debate.  A lot of it IMO is a chicken vs. egg argument.  Is it because of the age gap that other problems emerged or is it these problems that are blamed on the age gap?  Like I said a true chicken or egg debate.

There was some great input here from many different sources but I especially like the way VWRW said:

Whatever mine, yours (Scott's), KenC’s or Gator’s experience is does not increase or decrease another person’s chance on successes in age gap relationship.

My conclusion is a subtle bit different than hers though.  I still am of the opinion that a large age difference in a marriage has the potential to be a huge problem.  Maybe not now.  Maybe not yet.  But maybe in the future when you least expect it.  I will also admit that I have two dear friends married for over 25 years now, with a 25 year difference in age.  Still happy and still in love. 

So what the hell do we know?  Nothing really except that a large age difference can and may be a problem in the future.  Or that a large age difference and the potential problems that evolve from it should be a consideration when the newbie is scanning the profiles.
KenC

[BC]

An age gap adds bullets.  For sure.  So do a wide variety of other traits and qualities.  How many bullets for a beer belly and short penis?  Or no sense of humor?

BTW how frequently do you spin the chamber and pull the trigger.  Every year, 10 years, ....?

You remind me of Doug Salem (RIP) who had a 5-page formula that measued a man's variables and then assigned to him the level of woman (1-10) with whom he could safely become involved.

People end up doing what feels right.  Its all about feelings.  And some people are more risk tolerant than others.  And some just enjoy the action even if it is short lived.

Gator,

Don't discount Misha's input.  Overall he's not that far off the mark IMHO.

It's the 'doing what feels right' part that worries me....

Is a drunk 'doing what feels right' by putting the his/her key in the ignition slot justifiable?

Maybe I can coin the acronym RWUI?

[Daveman]

An age gap adds bullets.  For sure.  So do a wide variety of other traits and qualities.  How many bullets for a beer belly and short penis?  Or no sense of humor?


...

Ahhhaa, I'm saved by emerging into the positive with the final category.. though that is questionable at times as well... damn.. actually getting rather close to plain ole suicide here!

[Misha]

People end up doing what feels right.  Its all about feelings.  And some people are more risk tolerant than others.  And some just enjoy the action even if it is short lived.

I am sure that is what Wayne would have said on his wedding night and Scott would have said a year ago and what every other divorced man who had aired his train wreck on this or other such forums would have said 

[Vaughn]

It's the 'doing what feels right' part that worries me....

Thinking back, for me it wasn't so much what felt right, but what felt good.

Pages ago, I/O shook the accusing finger - that many men cite other reasons
to justify the attraction, when all along, a more youthful woman was at the core.

He's right. I was guilty - and if not, what was I doing writing to a lady nearly
thirteen years my junior?

[Turboguy]

I have two questions.  One for everyone and one for Gator.

In discussions like this I see life stages mentioned a lot as a potential pitfall for age gap marriages.  I don't know that it strikes me as something of concern.   In my own case we would be considered by many to be in about as different a stage as possible.   She is in school studying to launch what she hopes will be a long and successful career.   I am at a point in my life where most guys who are sane have retired.   Personally, I have no plans to retire and will likely work until I drop or at least until I reach the point where I don't feel I am effective and useful.  I would say that I don't see any likely hood of retiring for at least 5 years and may work until I am 80.   I really don't see life stages being a problem or a factor in our marriage and don't see why it would be in anyones.   Are there really life stages.   Other than raising kids which is not a life stage, it is a parenting thing.  I worked too hard at 30, I worked too hard at 40.  I worked to hard at 50.  I work too hard now.  I don't see any life stages in my life.   Yes, I will agree that when I retire that could be considered a life stage.   I don't feel I am any less active then I was when I was younger so I don't see slowing down as a life stage.   That isn't a stage anyway, it is just slowing down as you get older.  Personally I see differences in people having more of an affect than thier "stages"

My question for anyone who wants to answer is what do you see as life stages and how do you see that affecting a marriage?

My question for Gator is that you are retired and have been for a while.   Do you see the life stages thing having any effect on your marriage?