Who comes first: Spouse or children

[ECOCKS]

This is a very common charge to throw out on these forums to cover a multitude of situations.  Blame the man.

If you are selective with the type of woman you want and not blinded by some ego-driven factor related age, sex, body parts, insecurity or white knight syndrome then this shouldn't be a problem. If it is, look in the mirror rather than at culture as to what is to blame.

If you ignore the warning signs of the woman's personality traits towards her children, shopping, materialism, activities, residence geography, grasp on reality, etc. you have no one to blame except yourself.

Well, yeah. it would be natural to "blame the man" based on those statements. How could anyone blame the woman under those conditions?

[GQBlues]

Generally, I agree this is not inherently a cultural tendency.

But mars can correct me if I'm wrong but the fine line I believe he's trying to isolate goes in line with what had been discuss numerous time in these forums/halls that there's a higher likelihood that FSUWs would watch for their offsprings' best interest BEFORE their newly wedded WMs.

There are additional factors that come into play for newly immigrated people (not just women) with children who will likely developed a much tighter knit with their offsprings during the first crucial years after their arrival.

Or maybe like in Phil's case, when a relationship develops with a person notably from another culture.

If an American woman/Mom immigrated to Russia for her Russian fiance, she will likely develop a much stronger sense of motherhood, or protectionism, to her immigrating children's state because of their respective need for additional attention to acclimate to their new country/society.

I still believe this is highly subjective.

[Vaughn]

But I see many people do not want to think about the real situation where the wife or significant other is consistently choosing the offspring over mate in situations that are completely non threatening to the offspring. 

Mars, I see your point - and agree wholeheartedly that there exist families where one spouse's priorities
lean way too far toward the children. Such would never work for us, but others might just tolerate it for
the sake of the intact, albeit unfulfilling, marriage. In accord with some others here, I agree that this
lobsidedness is found worldwide, knows no national boundaries, and enjoys no prevalence by specific culture.

[groovlstk]

Another factor that comes into play is the dirty little secret that the majority of women who come here on K1s do not love their fiances, IMHO. He may be nice and handsome and offer a financially secure future, and she may hope to one day love him. But chances are she's going to take a wait-and-see attitude towards her new life, even if her new hubby thinks he's on easy street. Such women aren't going to be foolish enough to put blind faith in the future of their relationships, particularly when their own children are part of the package.

[Vaughn]

Another factor that comes into play is the dirty little secret that the majority of women who come here on K1s do not love their fiances, IMHO. He may be nice and handsome and offer a financially secure future, and she may hope to one day love him.

Dirty little secret and truth laid bare. I'd be quite mad to imply we never had potential, but the real binding
commitment and love happened along later. I recall her bags remaining largely packed for at least three days
after arrival as she stared at my world in wonder and uncertainty. Culture shock up close & personal.

[OlgaH]

As parents we bear the primary responsibility to teach our children these things and during their early life their needs come first as they are dependant upon us. That does not mean we cannot take some time out for ourselves ( a night out, a weekend away, a small vacation away from the hassles of child rearing) and that does not mean we are putting ourselves ahead of the child. But as that child matures, and our roles as parents begin to diminish and evolve into something more along the lines of advisors in their lives rather than caretakers, that child should begin to take on more responsibility in their own lives. And the parents should understand that this is a natural order of the child establishing their own identitity in the world. Some do it early on (more mature) and some take their time ( less mature).

That's right. A family is a balanced unity. Children should be brought up with understanding that they are not the very center of the family but they are members of the family with their rights and responsibilities and their rights and responsibilities "grow" with their age. When the parents sacrifice their love and attention to each other and their needs in favor of their children they do more harm to their children, basically the parents develop egoistical nature in their children and unrealistic views and expectations. When a wife/husband moves her/his spouse to the background in favor of their child it teaches the child not only that his needs come before everyone else’s - selfishness, but it also depreciates the role of the "moved" spouse in the child's eyes.

Of course there are some unconditional situations when a child needs come first, but in general the child should learn to negotiate his needs with the needs of other members of the family and he should understand there are also members in the family who are beloved no less than he. But if two spouses can not negotiate with each other, especially in the child upbringing, it is difficult to teach the child.  That leads to the imbalance in the unity and the unity's fragility.

[KenC]

My initial comment is if lovemaking can be interrupted by any phone call, someone ain't doing it right!

But in reality, it could be a lack of true love and desire as Groov indicated.
KenC

[Dave13]

Great post OlgaH! 

[OlgaH]

Such women aren't going to be foolish enough to put blind faith in the future of their relationships, particularly when their own children are part of the package.

question is what a woman wants. Is she looking just for a provider for her and her child needs or a Partner.

[Misha]

question is what a woman wants. Is she looking just for a provider for her and her child needs or a Partner.

Well said.

[Mars]

But Mars can correct me if I'm wrong but the fine line I believe he's trying to isolate goes in line with what had been discuss numerous time in these forums/halls that there's a higher likelihood that FSUWs would watch for their offsprings' best interest BEFORE their newly wedded WMs.

Yes, you are absolutely correct.

[Mars]

If you are selective with the type of woman you want and not blinded by some ego-driven factor related age, sex, body parts, insecurity or white knight syndrome then this shouldn't be a problem. If it is, look in the mirror rather than at culture as to what is to blame.

If you ignore the warning signs of the woman's personality traits towards her children, shopping, materialism, activities, residence geography, grasp on reality, etc. you have no one to blame except yourself.

Well, yeah. it would be natural to "blame the man" based on those statements. How could anyone blame the woman under those conditions?

Yes, you and FP are correct referring to your detailed situation.

But, I am sure you both knew from my very words, "This is a very common charge to throw out on these forums to cover a multitude of situations.  Blame the man.", that I was referring to the general tendency.

[GQBlues]

question is what a woman wants. Is she looking just for a provider for her and her child needs or a Partner.

OlgaH-

You don't think that the fine line separating the two in the world of MOB (International Marriage) is so fine that they are more closer than not?

[Dave13]

What about relationships were either the woman or man, puts the job before the family!! Which does appear to be a major problem here in the US.

Dave

[Doll]

Come on Turbo, you can do better than this.

OK, something all people can understand.  The man and woman are getting ready for sex.  In fact they are very ready!  The phone rings.  It is the woman's adult daughter.  She wants to talk in person with her mother about an argument she had with her boyfriend.

There isn't even a discussion about 'can this wait a few hours, or even a few minutes.'  The woman merely jumps out of bed and rushes to the daughter.

This and other such situations arise over time, and each time, the woman chooses to go with the wishes of the daughter rather than the wishes of her mate.

Is this typical behavior for FSUW?

So if there is an emergency you still want her to make love to you?
OMG!

[viking]

Doll

Think about it. If the house is burning down, then the sex will be REALLY hot !!!

I don't think Mars was referring to dire emergencies.

[Doll]

Doll

Think about it. If the house is burning down, then the sex will be REALLY hot !!!

I don't think Mars was referring to dire emergencies.

You don't know what he was referring to.
Why do you think there was not a real emergency?
Come, people! The kid has something important to solve, his mother what- needs to please her Am husband?
Та щас

[Mars]

You don't know what he was referring to.
Why do you think there was not a real emergency?

I clearly stated the situation:  "She wants to talk in person with her mother about an argument she had with her boyfriend."

So Doll, in this situation, does it call for stopping coitus and rushing to a family member?

[Doll]

I clearly stated the situation:  "She wants to talk in person with her mother about an argument she had with her boyfriend."

So Doll, in this situation, will you stop coitus and rush to your family member?

Yes. My children come first.
"Argument"- what was it?
If the girl was crying and that was the end of the world, I sure would.

[Mars]

Yes. My children come first.
"Argument"- what was it?
If the girl was crying and that was the end of the world, I sure would.

OK, finally a FSUW steps forward and gives a straight forward answer.  One which supports the idea I put forth originally.

[Blues Fairy]

OK, finally a FSUW steps forward and gives a straight forward answer.  One which supports the idea I put forth originally.

Unlike the other FSUW whose answers did not support your idea and therefore do not count.  :evil:

[Doll]

OK, finally a FSUW steps forward and gives a straight forward answer.  One which supports the idea I put forth originally.

What do you mean- finally? I said my sons came first 3 pages ago.
They  did, do and will.

[Doll]

OK, finally a FSUW steps forward and gives a straight forward answer.  One which supports the idea I put forth originally.

Blue, Mars also didn't notice that the majority of AM here said that their kids came first too.
Double standards. It is ok if you and your ex wife put your kids first but it is not ok if RW does it with her kids.

[KenC]

Blue, Mars also didn't notice that the majority of AM here said that their kids came first too.Double standards. It is ok if you and your ex wife put your kids first but it is not ok if RW does it with her kids.

Doll,
Not to the ridiculous point you just expressed!   :cluebat:Any decent parent would come to the aid of their child (no matter how old) in an emergency situation.  And to clarify, the situation described is NOT an emergency situation.
KenC

[Doll]

Doll,
Not to the ridiculous point you just expressed!   :cluebat:Any decent parent would come to the aid of their child (no matter how old) in an emergency situation.  And to clarify, the situation described is NOT an emergency situation.
KenC

As far as I understand the thread is about generalization, the situation described is not defined. We don't know what happened.
It could be just a fight or the kid could be standing on the rode with no car and money at midnight.
" Mom, please, help me- I don't want to live"
Something like this. That's why the mother preferred her kid to sex. I am sure of it.
Too bad somebody was "really ready" to make love.