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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 321831 times)

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Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2925 on: March 22, 2020, 09:08:26 AM »
I like that mask.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2926 on: March 25, 2020, 08:18:57 AM »
DATING, SEX AND MARRIAGE IN DIFFERENT CULTURES


IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
 

INDIAN WOMEN
 
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
 
MEXICAN WOMEN 
 
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life .
 

JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.
 
ARAB WOMEN 
 
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your nuts are fed to the goats.
No third date! 

CHINESE WOMEN
 
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.
 


The POINT ? 

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH ?

Online BillyB

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2927 on: March 30, 2020, 02:11:07 PM »

The short video in the link below sums up the events of the Coronavirus as they unfolded perfectly. It's uniquely funny and sad at the same time.

http://www.tiktok.com/@uncorked/video/6810076023753886981

Two famous Cuomo brothers fighting on tv over who's mom's favorite during a pandemic. Priorities, priorities.

http://www.tiktok.com/@uncorked/video/6806709720255057157
Do your part to limit the spread of COVID-19

Online Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!! Pandemic Golf
« Reply #2928 on: April 01, 2020, 06:01:34 PM »
PANDEMIC GOLF

There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. My kids have a restraining order on us and won’t let us come within 200 yards of the grandchildren. And we can no longer eat out, but when we tried to cook at home, there were cobwebs in the oven.

My wife suggested we take a walk, but I don’t walk anywhere unless I have a golf club in my hand and it’s cart path only.

The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. No sports.  The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-law’s video of his family camping trip to Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even considering sex, and maybe even with me.

Paranoia is off the tracks.  My stock portfolio is plummeting and most of our cash is currently invested in toilet paper. I am washing my hands 137 times a day. I don’t touch anyone. I don’t even touch myself. I have been using tongs to go to the bathroom. This has to stop.

I don’t consider myself to be in the high risk category. I have been building up my immune system by eating one meal per day at MacDonald’s for the last 25 years. Germs just slide through me. My only pre-existing condition is an inability to launch a golf ball further than 180 yards. And, according to the CDC, symptoms of the coronavirus are sweats, dizziness, and trouble breathing, which I experience whenever I am standing over a 3 foot putt. I can handle it.

So, I proposed to my regular foursome the idea of escaping from our self-imposed Stalag 17 and venturing outside for a round of golf. Everyone recognized the danger and severity of the situation. But when faced with the decision to remain sequestered with our wives or to risk contracting a deadly virus, it was a no-brainer. Every man opted to play golf.

Our foursome seems not to pose a risk.  George, has to be virus free; he is very odd and other than us has no friends.  So social distancing has never been a problem for him.  Another player, Bob, is my neighbor and a urologist.  He has been working from home for weeks.  He has developed a way to do remote prostate exams by having patients sit on their cell phone.  And our final partner, Jerry tested himself with a kit he bought online. He thinks he may have gotten the wrong kit. It showed no traces of the virus but indicated that he was pregnant with twins.

The federal government has established guidelines for social engagement. For example, you must stay at least 6 feet apart and no more than 10 people are allowed at a gathering, which means Patrick Reed’s fan club can still meet.

Our foursome drafted our own specific set of rules for Pandemic Golf:

• Hazmat suits are permitted. As an alternative, one can wear a college mascot costume or big bunny pajamas.
• Leave the flag in. And to avoid retrieving balls from the hole, any putt shorter than Lebron James is good.
• Ride in separate golf carts and don’t come closer to another player than a fully extended ball retriever.
• Don’t touch another player’s balls. This is always good advice.
• No high fives. Fortunately, we seldom have a reason.
• No excuses. Slicing or hooking are not side effects of the coronavirus.
• Make an online bank transfer to pay off your bets for the day.

As the pandemic plays through, it is giving us a glimpse into what may evolve as our inevitable future: all meals are delivered, all entertainment comes through the tv screen, and human interaction is through our cell phone. Schooling is online at home, exercise is on a stationary bike in our basement, medical testing is done at drive thru windows, and colonoscopies are performed at Jiffy Lube. The world is changing. It is becoming less interpersonal as technology consumes us. So now that we have time on our hands, everyone should take a moment to cherish this fading era, when friends still get together to hit a little ball around an open field for no good reason other than to enjoy the companionship of their fellow man.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2929 on: April 01, 2020, 06:28:28 PM »
Hey Phil, I really like it.  Am going to read it to wife.
Thanks for sharing.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2930 on: April 01, 2020, 07:09:01 PM »
Refeshing sense of humour in times like these, Phil :clapping:. You might also try this putting variation for aged golfers ;D.

Milan's "Duomo"

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2931 on: April 02, 2020, 10:29:45 AM »

This is the type of toilet paper we need in a crisis. I can't find it on the internet but I'd like to buy a case.

http://www.tiktok.com/@uncorked/video/6804259399561972997

The virus has hampered people's ability to think. Frustration sets in.

http://www.tiktok.com/@uncorked/video/6800793516017601798
Do your part to limit the spread of COVID-19

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2932 on: April 02, 2020, 12:03:46 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline ML

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Rape Program for older workers
« Reply #2933 on: April 03, 2020, 06:39:04 AM »
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs for younger folks and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. 
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2934 on: April 05, 2020, 06:39:38 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2935 on: April 06, 2020, 10:05:31 AM »
Pietrasanta, a seaside resort in Tuscany. There even geese are scrupulously social-distancing :D:

Milan's "Duomo"

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2936 on: April 06, 2020, 03:10:26 PM »


A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask. A young hot nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

The young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here for the sponge bath."
He asks again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might freak out from worrying about his testicles,
she pulls back the covers.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2937 on: April 06, 2020, 04:22:19 PM »
Well Bill, I signed back on just to tell you I thought it was funny..
Quote from: msmob
1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming.
3. N95 mask will choke you dead after 30 min. of use.

Offline jone

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2938 on: April 06, 2020, 06:45:27 PM »
Well Bill, I signed back on just to tell you I thought it was funny..

+1 Bill.  Am sharing it with family members and they are all in stitches.   Just the type of joke my Dad used to tell.

Thanks.
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2939 on: April 17, 2020, 02:24:18 PM »
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.  The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.  An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town.  On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber.  The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table.  The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest.  I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live.  If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.  As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer.  He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.” Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me,  you Yankee swine.’”
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2940 on: April 17, 2020, 07:49:01 PM »
The version I heard related to a mafia lawyer in Italy.

But funny in any version.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline jone

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Little Jonny Humor
« Reply #2941 on: April 17, 2020, 09:14:34 PM »
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. 

Molly put up her hand and said. "My family went to my grandfather's farm and wall saw his pet sheep.   It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. 

Sally raised her hand.   She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."

Little Jonny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Jonny before.  She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Jonny said, "My Aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons.  But her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"

Class dismissed.
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline ML

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Re: Little Jonny Humor
« Reply #2942 on: April 18, 2020, 07:55:26 AM »
. . . and wall saw . . .

Should this be 'wall see' or perhaps 'wall seen'?

Or maybe w'all  as plural for y'all.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2943 on: April 18, 2020, 06:07:14 PM »
There's nothing like tomato soup to soothe the soul.

I have mine cold, with a celery stalk, Tabasco, Worcestershire,
pepper and vodka.   



If you see my kids outside crying and pulling weeds, don't worry
they are on a field trip.


I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart and told her wherever
the dart lands we will go there after the corona virus is over.
Looks like our next trip is behind the fridge.




« Last Edit: April 18, 2020, 06:13:03 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2944 on: April 20, 2020, 03:01:22 PM »
Is anyone else's car getting two weeks per gallon? 

Online Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2945 on: April 20, 2020, 04:34:28 PM »


Study the picture for 5 seconds. What do you notice? Think about it; what is odd?

 

Now scroll down.

 

 

 

 

Here are the results of the Survey:

 

1 100% of male Naval Aviators failed this test. They were distracted by the woman's breasts.

 
2 100% of the female Naval Aviators also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.

 

 

The   answer :

There's a MOUSE on one of the doughnuts. Don't tell me you saw it. I won't believe you!!

Offline jone

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2946 on: April 20, 2020, 05:16:52 PM »
What donuts?
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2947 on: April 20, 2020, 05:42:35 PM »

Study the picture for 5 seconds. What do you notice? Think about it; what is odd?

1 100% of male Naval Aviators failed this test. They were distracted by the woman's breasts.


I'm in the Naval Aviator category. I was certain there was something odd on those breasts so my focus was there and it still is.
Do your part to limit the spread of COVID-19

Online GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2948 on: April 20, 2020, 09:13:53 PM »
 :devil:

I was still fixated on Bill’s long-legged nurse upthread. 
Quote from: msmob
1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming.
3. N95 mask will choke you dead after 30 min. of use.

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2949 on: April 21, 2020, 02:52:26 AM »
Tried the test .. I saw the mouse ... I was sharing my screen with SC ... She saw the breasts ..  asking me if I liked them that big ... ;)

I thought she meant the cakes


 

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