It appears you have not registered with our community. To register please click here ...

!!

Welcome to Russian Women Discussion - the most informative site for all things related to serious long-term relationships and marriage to a partner from the Former Soviet Union countries!

Please register (it's free!) to gain full access to the many features and benefits of the site. Welcome!

+-

Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 293293 times)

0 Members and 20 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline GQBlues

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8841
  • Country: us
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: No Selection
  • Trips: None (yet)
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2875 on: October 10, 2019, 09:08:50 AM »
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh. He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, ---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth..."For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, it's surrounded by water, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Florida are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
~1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming
~

msmob  (Yes, he really said these)

Online jone

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6960
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Committed > 1 year
  • Trips: > 10
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2876 on: October 10, 2019, 10:40:51 AM »
I resemble those remarks.

 :tongueout:
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Online Gator

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15040
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2877 on: October 10, 2019, 11:38:09 AM »
Living in Florida I agree.  The balance in manifested in other regards (e. g., God made California dry and Florida humid).   

Some of our politicians push my limits.  Remember Deborah Wasserman Schultz? 


We have our share of dregs here.  The dregs migrate southward along the Atlantic coast looking for work and fun.  Some find what they want and settle down.  Some are  rejected for not having work skills or worse, being batshit crazy, and they keep moving southward, eventually reaching Florida.   Once in Florida, some find what they seek and settle down.  Yet the worse continue to migrate southward,  eventually reaching Key West.    And there they stay.     

Offline tfcrew

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4250
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • North Texas
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2878 on: October 13, 2019, 12:37:09 PM »
 What do you call a three legged donkey?
 
 A wonky donkey
 
 What do you call a three legged, one eyed donkey?
 
 A winky wonky donkey
 
 What do you call a three legged, one eyed donkey playing a piano?
 
 A plinky plonky winky wonky donkey
 
 What do you call a three legged, one eyed, piano playing donkey driving a tractor?
 
 Damn clever
Facts do not cease to exist just because they are ignored.  -Aldous Huxley

Offline ML

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9414
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2879 on: October 14, 2019, 10:45:10 AM »


God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."

I lived in Los Angeles for about 10 years . . . way back when.

It was somewhat jolting for a naive young man from the genteel Midwest.

Mostly I was struck by the seeming 'fakeness' of many people; not even speaking of Hollywood types.

For first time in my life, it seemed that many (most) were very insincere and would not do what they said they would.

Small example:  Car pool . . .  I come by your house on X days and you pick me up on Y days.  No show on their days.  Later explanation:  I just got up too late and had to hurry on to work.  I just forgot you.  I had other things to do before work.

One factor may have been that virtually no one seemed to be a native Californian when I was there.  We all came in from other states.  So I think many had the attitudes of . . . I don't really know and think of fellow workers and neighbors as people that I owe anything to and probably won't even be around for very long.

I don't really know the answer, but I think it tainted me somewhat and made me somewhat more cynical than I would have naturally been.

However, on the other hand, I was able to get university bachelor degree relatively much cheaper than in other states, and the booming economy allowed for rapid career advancement.

So who knows?  But I am certainly glad that I do not live there now!!!
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online jone

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6960
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Committed > 1 year
  • Trips: > 10
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2880 on: October 14, 2019, 10:51:54 AM »
I lived in Los Angeles for about 10 years . . . way back when.

It was somewhat jolting for a naive young man from the genteel Midwest.

Mostly I was struck by the seeming 'fakeness' of many people; not even speaking of Hollywood types.

For first time in my life, it seemed that many (most) were very insincere and would not do what they said they would.

Small example:  Car pool . . .  I come by your house on X days and you pick me up on Y days.  No show on their days.  Later explanation:  I just got up too late and had to hurry on to work.  I just forgot you.  I had other things to do before work.

One factor may have been that virtually no one seemed to be a native Californian when I was there.  We all came in from other states.  So I think many had the attitudes of . . . I don't really know and think of fellow workers and neighbors as people that I owe anything to and probably won't even be around for very long.

I don't really know the answer, but I think it tainted me somewhat and made me somewhat more cynical than I would have naturally been.

However, on the other hand, I was able to get university bachelor degree relatively much cheaper than in other states, and the booming economy allowed for rapid career advancement.

So who knows?  But I am certainly glad that I do not live there now!!!

Well, ML,

The good news is that if your friend forgets to pick you up on his car pool days, he gets a five hundred dollar fine for violating the car pool lane.   Either that or he gets stuck in traffic for two hours and gets fired from his job.

LOL
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline ML

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9414
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Why does your wife stay with you ?
« Reply #2881 on: October 16, 2019, 11:55:16 AM »
Asked wife why she stays with me.

She: Because you are funny.

Me:  I thought it was because I was good in bed.

She:  See . . . you are hilarious !
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online msmob

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8208
  • Country: ie
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: No Selection
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2882 on: October 16, 2019, 03:05:08 PM »


A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
We'll be back, EU ..and as a certain 'gentleman' couldn't accept my offer to 'bury the hatchet' .. Don't trust a clueless Californian 'business owner' who cannot even quote me, honestly ..

Offline GQBlues

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8841
  • Country: us
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: No Selection
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Why does your wife stay with you ?
« Reply #2883 on: October 16, 2019, 03:31:26 PM »
Asked wife why she stays with me.

She: Because you are funny.

Me:  I thought it was because I was good in bed.

She:  See . . . you are hilarious !

Wifey is spot on, ML. You're a funny guy!  :P
~1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming
~

msmob  (Yes, he really said these)

Offline ML

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9414
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Big Girls
« Reply #2884 on: October 16, 2019, 04:14:34 PM »
Just saw this pic in Kyiv Post.  Don't know what the ad was about.

Bet a guy would have hard time finding a place of interest on these gals.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online BillyB

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12647
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
    • Good Story
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2885 on: October 16, 2019, 07:00:50 PM »


A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."


Reminds me of reading a story in a Dear Abby help column. A woman said her grandmother gave her a gift on her wedding day. The card said "For a happy marriage, wear this". The box was empty. The grandmother is a wise woman.
There are people that will pass info about you and your family. Do not share info about yourself or share photos as they can search for you on the internet and distribute what they found since they are allowed to participate here.

Offline ML

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9414
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2886 on: October 18, 2019, 05:36:07 PM »
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online 2tallbill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9063
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Living the dream
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2887 on: October 18, 2019, 06:03:25 PM »
More jokes
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9063
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Living the dream
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2888 on: November 27, 2019, 09:06:54 AM »
I've run out of things to yell at you about, said no woman ever

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline tfcrew

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4250
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • North Texas
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2889 on: November 27, 2019, 08:05:05 PM »
 A man is about to have sex with this really fat gal..he climbs on top of her.
 “Can I turn the light off?” he asks. “Why?” she replies. “Are you feeling a bit shy?”
 “No,” he said “Because it’s burning my ass!” 
 
 
Facts do not cease to exist just because they are ignored.  -Aldous Huxley

Offline ML

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9414
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Immigration (or some such) humor
« Reply #2890 on: December 10, 2019, 09:01:39 AM »
Was watching a recorded episode of Last Man Standing while having breakfast.

A problem arose in that a valued employee was found to be here illegally.

Ed says:  I will contact an Immigration Lawyer I used before regarding one of my former girlfriends.

Mike:  But wasn't the result that she was sent to Ukraine?

Ed:  Yes, and that wasn't easy for him to arrange . . . since she was born in Kansas !
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline Grumpy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 223
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Moldova
  • Status: Looking > 5 years
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2891 on: December 18, 2019, 11:28:29 PM »
Found this in an old RW archive:

Hi folks, I have an amusing story to tell about my fiancee. I am in the process of building a house and I sent her {Victoria} 2 scanned prints of floor plans {blueprints}, one of the first and one of the second floor. First floor, kitchen, dining room, living room bath room, family room and on the second floor, bath room, master bedroom with balcony, my daughter's bedroom, her son's bedroom, and a spare bedroom. Knowing that her English is not that great, I titled and labeled each room accordingly. When I called Victoria this past Sunday to see if she had received the plans, she said she loved the design but she had a concern but was reluctant to tell me about it. When I pressed her to tell me what her concern was, she still refused to tell me and said we would discuss the problen, which she considered serious, after she arrived here. Being concerned that she did not like something about the house design, I kept pressing her to tell me what the problem was so as not to have to make a modification after the house was built, but she still refused to tell me siting that she was upset and embarrassed to say. After a little more proding and poking on my part she finally said, "the house is going to be beautiful but why don't you want me to sleep in your room and in your bed?" Well, needles to say, the there was silence for about 40 seconds while I was trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Not being able to figure out what gave her that impression I asked her to explain. I heard sniffles on the other end of the phone and in a quivering voice she said in broken English "you have four bedrooms but we only need three. You have a bedroom for your daughter and a bedroom for my son and you have a bedroom for me too and you put my bedroom the furthest from your bedroom the MASTER BEDROOM. {English/Russian dictionary, "master"}I couldn't help myself and I started laughing loudly. The more I laughed the madder she got at me until I explained that the word "master" when used in conjunction with "bedroom" was a generic term for the largest bedroom in the house, the bedroom where husband and wife sleep together, not where the master sleeps. I guess the moral to my story is that no matter how you say it, what is important is how it is understood.
Good women are not cheap
Cheap women are not good
(but they can be a lot of fun)

Offline ML

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9414
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Close enough ?
« Reply #2892 on: December 19, 2019, 09:17:44 AM »
Close enough ?
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online 2tallbill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9063
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Living the dream
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2893 on: December 22, 2019, 02:52:03 PM »
I have mistletoe in both of my back pockets,
Just so you know.

If you marry a woman because of big boobs
and long legs, just know that someday she
will probably have long boobs and big legs.

New Years toast: May you get banged every
night like a screen door in a tornado.

« Last Edit: December 22, 2019, 02:56:39 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline tfcrew

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4250
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • North Texas
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2894 on: December 22, 2019, 05:39:51 PM »
“Jesus loves you” is a nice thing to hear at church.
But not such a great thing to hear in a Mexican prison.


 A visitor, returning to the middle east for the first time since Iraq, noticed a big change..on previous visits noting that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. Observing now that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives! Approaching someone for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles?"   
 "Land mines,"was the reply.

He called the waitress over and said: "I have a few questions about the menu, please."
She got angry and said: "Listen mister, the men I please are none of your business!"
 
Facts do not cease to exist just because they are ignored.  -Aldous Huxley

Offline ML

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9414
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Holiday activities
« Reply #2895 on: December 22, 2019, 05:47:36 PM »
As classes resumed for 5th grade, the teacher was asking each student what they did for Christmas.

She was reluctant to ask her Jewish student, but just said: What did your family do during this break period.

The boy said: We got into my Dad's Rolls Royce, drove down to our toy factory, observed all the empty shelves and said:

"Thank you Jesus !! "

Then we got on our private plane and flew down to Florida.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline tfcrew

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4250
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • North Texas
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2896 on: December 22, 2019, 06:46:19 PM »
     Recent story from a couple------
Quote
We applied for a building permit for a new house. We decided it was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment system. We were going to hire some idiot to scream over the loudspeakers 4 times each day. We have enough property that it could have parking for 200 cars and we are going to paint it snot green with pink trim. The County Building permit office told us to go to hell.
So we sent in the application again….but this time we called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday.
  And the best part is that it will be tax exempt! We love this country, but it’s the government that scares us...............

Went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
 
 They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
 
 They performed songs like:
 "Losing my Head over You",
 "Rocket Launcher Man",
 "You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
 
 Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
 
 Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
 
 I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
 
 Well that was when the trouble started.
Facts do not cease to exist just because they are ignored.  -Aldous Huxley

Online 2tallbill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9063
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Living the dream
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2897 on: December 24, 2019, 12:39:42 PM »
I went to sit on the toilet at 11:59 pm
I looked at the clock and it turned past 12:00
Once again, it's the same sh!t, different day.



I was dating a single mother and her 5 year old
daughter Sally got tasty fruit rollups for a snack
at her school. One day she ate all her rollups and
blamed it on me. My GF wouldn't have sex with
me for two weeks!  So, I grabbed a crayon and
wrote Sally all over the wall three feet off the
ground. Guess who got into trouble for that?


Decaffeinated coffee is about as useful as a
hooker that ONLY cuddles.


 
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline Grumpy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 223
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Moldova
  • Status: Looking > 5 years
  • Trips: None (yet)
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2898 on: December 26, 2019, 05:09:35 PM »
In the spirit of the holidays, how about some trunk monkeys?

Good women are not cheap
Cheap women are not good
(but they can be a lot of fun)

Online 2tallbill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9063
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Living the dream
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married 3-5 years
  • Trips: > 10
Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2899 on: January 01, 2020, 01:22:16 PM »

NOTE: Joke created and owned by Scott Hilburn
« Last Edit: January 01, 2020, 01:23:53 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

 

+-RWD Stats

Members
Total Members: 10006
Latest: amabemokuku
New This Month: 13
New This Week: 2
New Today: 0
Stats
Total Posts: 498847
Total Topics: 19572
Most Online Today: 7094
Most Online Ever: 12701
(January 14, 2020, 07:04:55 AM)
Users Online
Members: 29
Guests: 6998
Total: 7027

+-Recent Posts

Re: Sending money FROM Russia to the US by GQBlues
Today at 10:01:18 AM

Re: life in the time of the plague by krimster2
Yesterday at 10:18:24 PM

Re: life in the time of the plague by Gator
Yesterday at 10:09:00 PM

life in the time of the plague by krimster2
Yesterday at 09:19:25 PM

Re: Starting and Running a Business in the Republic of Georgia, Batumi by Hammer2722
Yesterday at 07:35:21 PM

Re: Sending money FROM Russia to the US by whynotme
Yesterday at 07:30:19 PM

Re: Sending money FROM Russia to the US by IvanM07
Yesterday at 06:48:05 PM

Re: What's your guess about these two? by msmob
Yesterday at 05:56:50 PM

Re: Sending money FROM Russia to the US by whynotme
Yesterday at 04:07:35 PM

Re: Is it possible to find a real 20-year-old Russian woman on dating sites? by Trenchcoat
Yesterday at 03:50:45 PM

Powered by EzPortal

create account